Chapter 75: -Special: Kanae, flower among flowers.

---PoV: Kawamura Kanae---

“Kanae! Who was that girl earlier?”   My co-worker and confidante, Echizen Mafuyu, an excellent photographer and social media influencer in her own right, nicknamed Mappuchin, because of her love for cappuccino coffee, is talking with me at the cafe I had visited with that clerk from the Seven this morning.

“She… she approached me last night when I went to buy some stuff at the Seven.  She’s not Shi-chan, but she was so comfortable.  I… fucked up with Shi-chan and Kouta the other day, I told you already, but somehow… we came here late at night, and I was feeling different.  I missed Shi-chan so much, and I was afraid to face her.  One thing led to another, and I took her back to the studio since she showed interest in KanAteleier… and one thing led to another.”

…

“Really?  So, you are finally going down the path of yuri now?”

I take a sip of my au-lait, which is a bit sweeter than last night’s, as I’ve added a bit of sugar to my usually bitter choice.

“I... might be.  Mappuchin, I think I might be a…”

“It’s okay Kana!  I’m happy for you!  You were always so lonely, and even though you seemed way brighter with Shi-chan, the look you have on your face right now is one of true happiness, I think.  I don’t know, because I don’t think I’ve seen it on your face before, in all the time we’ve known each other.”

I’m happy?

She says that, but I completely took advantage of that girl, Sato Minami.   I’m usually so submissive to Shi-chan, to the point I was willing to cross the line with Kouta as well.  I would like to say it was Shi-chan’s influence, but that’s not entirely true as well.  I raised Kouta to take care of me.  He doesn’t understand why, but I do love Kouta in that way, far past the bonds society finds acceptable.  I am devastated he resisted me so, but I did everything I could, so we could all be together.  It backfired so badly.  Maybe there was something I missed in raising him that left him so morally complete, that he wouldn’t do it with his own sister that had practically thrown herself at him since Shi-chan's arrival in our lives.

I want Kouta.  I want no other man than Kouta, but I want Shi-chan much more.  I want him to be in me after he is inside her.  I want us all to be like one.  I know I’m a wicked corrupt woman, but it’s who I ended up becoming. I can blame Reiko and dad, but in the end it's all me.

But this girl…

I also want to see her again… to confirm my own feelings.  That outside of Kouta, I… am a lesbian.   There’s no doubt that she is.  But there was something… some kind of connection we shared as well.  As she laid with me, I wanted to protect her, like I wanted to protect Kouta.   Was it some kind of motherly instinct, one that was suppressed because I was unlucky having such a shitty mother of my own?

I’m not getting any younger.  I’ve thought about having children soon, but, it’s no good if it’s not with him.  I know the risks, but after being raised by that woman, I know I’m suitable for motherhood.  A son or daughter, they will never go a day without a hug and a kiss, and being told they are loved above all else, every single day.

Kouta’s and My… Child.

I also want that from Shi-chan.  Kouta must have daughters with her, sons are no good, so I’ll have the boy.  Shi-chan and Kouta… since Kouta and I look similar, so it would be like she was having my children too.  A beautiful girl that looks like Shi-chan and Me.  It will never know a life of neglect or hardship.   I’ll triple my efforts to make my social media presence generate enough income to take care of us all.  Kouta has his job, and it’s promising.  I want Shi-chan to be a housewife.  I want to come home to her, and she be waiting to offer me the holy three options.

‘Dinner, a bath, or me?’

I will always choose you first, Shi-chan.

…

“Kanae?”

I seemed to have drifted off in thought.

“Sorry Mappuchin, I was just thinking about the things I’ve lost.  I’m wondering about this happiness you say is apparent on my face.  I think I will see her again, to make sure.”

“It’s fine if you use the office, but please be responsible to wake up before those two get in.  They are involuntary bachelors.  If they took care of themselves more… they might be able to find happiness, but as it is, they are clueless kids who just happen to be prodigies at what they do.”

I nod.  Never once have I seen them with a woman, or having a date, but their screens are full of all kinds of porn.

“I’ll be careful in the future.”

“Good.”

I enjoy my morning cigarette and coffee.  Mappuchin is going on about some new fashion trends making the rounds in Shibuya.  I should go check it out… maybe I can make a date out of it with Minami-chan?

…

bzzt. 

[Nakada Shi-chan (2)

My sweet Hime.  Our flower garden is so empty without you.  I know you are worried at what you have done.  I almost lost Kouta, because of it, because you didn’t tell me what you planned to do.  You lied to me, but even so, I love you.  I love you because of Kouta, and I also love you, because you are our missing blossom.  Ruru too feels the emptiness.  I will work hard on your behalf, but our garden will always be threatened with you gone.  Ruru and Kouta feel the emptiness, and may try and fill it.  I cannot go against Kouta, I will not go against Kouta… But I think he too needs you still.  This woman you’ve met.  Let her heal you, let her love you, love her back as well.  I’m alright with it, it won’t lessen our love that you are seeing another.  We are no good together, and no good apart.  But don’t substitute me with her.  If you want to love her, then lover her as she is.  She is beautiful and cute, and I think you should find out what a woman’s touch means to you. I told her it was safe to pursue you, so I believe she will, and I also told her to prepare her heart, because you will have to answer for what you’ve done.  When you are ready, come back, and I’ll do everything I can to help you return to Kouta, to Ruru and to me.  You are always our precious Hime.  Always.  In the mean time, I will find a way for Kouta to let me see you. In the mean time, when you are lonely, and cannot be with this young woman you found, please use me as necessary to keep yourself steady.]

[(2)  Photo Attached.]

Shi-chan...

I opened the photo, and it is a photo of her.  All she is wearing is a translucent camisole.  Her beautiful firm breasts are perky, and her nipples are pushing against the fabric erotically.  Her sweet place is also visible, in all her caramel glory.  She is holding her arms out passionately to me.  Inviting me back, with the least amount of judgment.

…

I want to run into her arms.

Please take me back.

I’m sorry.  I’m sorry I thought I could make it work by dragging him down into our unclean world.  Like you, I am unclean.  How can we be with him, he’s so bright!  How do you do it without going mad?

…

I show the photo to Mappuchin. Mappuchin spits out the sip of cappucchino she just took.

“Holy fuck!  She’s gorgeous!  That picture is amazing!”

“I want to go back to her so badly.  She’s even invited me just now to return, but I can’t face it… him… her… even Ruru.  I can’t face them just yet.  She even told me to be happy with Minami, the girl you saw me with.  It’s so painful… she is so caring… Aaaah!”

I let out a pained yell.  A few people stare my way who are trying to enjoy their morning coffee.  Fuck their stares, I’m having an emotional crisis here!

…

“Kana, can I ask you a question about Kouta?”

“Go ahead.”

“Is… there a way I could… join him and Shi-chan for one time?”

…

This time it’s my turn to spit a little bit of coffee out.

“Uwah?”

“I … you know I am always seen as an object with these fucking useless meat bags, but Kouta seems to not care.  I’ve seen him try and avert his gaze, so as to not make me feel uncomfortable.  I know he’s… probably lost his cherry by now right?  And with both of those girls, and even you… would it be okay if I could have one night with him.. and her?  Not even a whole night… just one time.”

I see Mappuchin lower her head and put her hands together as she begs me this. But, what do you think I can do?

Am I okay with Kouta having women outside of the garden?  Sure.  I think it would boost his confidence.  I doubt Shi-chan would object.  Ruru might have concerns, but she’s a good girl.  If she could find a way to be seen by Kouta while he does it with her, I think she would allow it too.

Mappuchin is my friend.  If anything my concern is allowing her to be with my Shi-chan.  I’ll give it some thought, if nothing else.

“I don’t know what I can do, but if an opportunity presents itself, I’ll see if there is a possibility, okay?”

“Thanks Kana! Consider this a life’s request!  I’ll pay you back for sure!”

I wave it off.

I don’t know if I really will do anything, yet.

We finish having coffee, and my thoughts go to Kouta for a while.  Are you doing alright in school?  How was yesterday?  Did you make love to her in the bathroom?  The Nurses’ office?  It’s school after all… that’s the best place to do exciting things!  At least, that’s what my clique always said.  They were always going on about boys and sex nonstop.  I’m surprised I’m still a virgin after all this time.

But it’s only for Kouta… that place.

Only for him, the one I prepared to be my lover.

---

[To Sato Minami:

I can’t get you out of my mind.  I’d like to see you before you go to work, can I meet you?]

ping. Sent!

I part with Mappuchin, who heads back to the office much happier.

My mind is only more clouded after receiving Shi-chan’s text.

She will try and find a way to see me?

I… want to see her too...

I’m just wandering around town, I can’t focus at work even if I were to go.  I’ve uploaded the pictures of Minami, but haven’t posted them yet.  I need to curate her debut perfectly.  To be sure, I need to be with her again.

…

ping.

[Sato Minami:

You are reading story Nakada-san To Ren’ai at novel35.com

You want to see me so soon? But I just left… no.  Please come!  I’m helping my Auntie at her job right now, but I can make time.  Do you know Ishida Rentals, near the Seven?  I’m there.  Come anytime before four.  I have a shift then at the Seven.  See you soon! <3<3]

…

Ishida Rentals?  Don’t I rent from them?  I remember this older OL I teased with Kouta and Shi-chan.   It’ll be interesting if nothing else.

I laugh to myself.  The world is small after all, just like the song from Nezumi Land.

I find myself wandering that way.

For some reason, I would prefer a bit of liquid courage, but with her I also want to be completely sober.  I want to feel her without anything numbing my feelings.  I want to know… if I really am a lesbian.

--

I arrive at where she is currently at.  When I enter, there is a little chime that goes off.  I see her peek out quickly from an office to the side, and she runs over to me with a big smile on her face.

“Minami.  Thank you for letting me be selfish just now.”

“U~n.  I’m glad you wanted to see me.”

I look at her, and I notice she’s in something a bit business casual.  A long black skirt that’s form fitting, and a long sleeve tee that’s plain white in color.  Does she get cold easily?  The temperature in the office is decently cool.

I reach up to her ear without asking, and see she has a few small hoops next to each other.  She looks good with accessories.  I’d like to see her with some big hoop earrings, and a shorter skirt. Maybe add a black hoodie with cat ears on for effect.

Kouta always liked cat hoodies.

“Was there a particular reason you wanted to see me?” She asks cutely as she leans her head in a bit closer.

“Yes and no.  I just… wanted to see you, really.  I wanted to tell you I enjoyed your company, and would like to see you again.”

She lit up with tangible happiness.

“There is another reason too…” I start.

She holds a finger up for me to stop, then she hustles back to the office.  She returns and takes me by the hand outside, and to a bench one building away.

“We can talk a bit more comfortably here.  My Auntie is a bit nosy, after all.”

I nod.

“That reason was … did you talk with my… no… did you talk with her, yesterday?”

“Your ex?”

“...ex...huh?”

Her face which was sublimely happy had a momentary pause.

“Yes.  That’s probably the best way to put it.  Her name is Nakada Shiori.  She was the first woman I was with...  She sent me a message saying you talked with her.”

“I did.  She was passing by the Seven yesterday, she had the kid who looks a bit like you, and another really cute schoolgirl with her.  I flagged her down, because I have seen you come into the Seven with her a number of times.  I was just asking her if you were still together. Did I overstep…?”

I shake my head.

“No.  That’s fine.  I just wanted to say, she gave you her blessing.  I just wanted to let you know I may have some hang-ups, but I would like to continue seeing you, if you are interested.”

Again, her face shone brightly.

“Yes, please!  Though… today is a bit…”

“That’s fine.  Just hearing you say yes is enough.”

…

“If I might be clear on a certain matter…  I don’t know if I’m gay.  I do know I have been in a relationship that some would consider very strange.  I’d like to determine if I am… with you.  Is that okay?”

“You don’t know?” She asks as she tilts her head.

“The relationship I was in, had two women and a man.  While I fooled around a little, the man and I never … consummated.  So... “

She nods.

You are wrong about why, but I’ll leave out that detail for now.

“I was hung up on the guy because I love him very much, even if he won’t return my affection properly.  However, Shi-chan, my lover, stirred up a great many emotions and it affected me deeply.  I want to see if it was just her, or if I am really attracted to a woman’s touch. I will tell you now, I enjoyed our time together.  I want to know.  I want to know about you, and about me.  I’m sorry if I seem a bit confused, but that’s how it is.”

“It’s okay to be confused.  Being gay is a confusing thing.  I fell in love with a girl, and she left me when she found a man who was interested in her.  I can’t understand the joy of man or his thing.”

I light up a cigarette and consider what she’s saying.

“Have you been with a man before?” I ask her.

“Once.   It felt weird.  I… I think I knew I was gay before I tried it, but I also wanted to know.  I couldn’t get into it, and it hurt that time.  Afterwards, I met a girl, and I ended up dating a few women.  Something about it felt right.  I felt comfortable around women, and when the first one kissed me, I knew it for sure.  What about you?”

I see her looking at me intensely as I smoke.  So I offer it to her.  She takes it clumsily and I can’t help but thing she’s trying to be cool for my sake.  You don’t have to do that, I think it’s okay to just be yourself.  You are probably a good girl… I think I need just that in my life right now, to help me understand how no good I really am.

I take it back from her, and reply.

“I’ve never been with a man completely.  That’s part of the reason for my leaving her, and him.  I tried to force it when he was unwilling.  As for women, only his two lovers.  Mainly, however, it was Shi-chan.  From the moment I first stole her lips, I thought to myself, ‘I can never let her go.’ … but now…”

I feel her lean into my arm, and put her head on my shoulder.

I put my arm around her, protectively.

“I’m.. off around midnight.  Would you like to do something then?” She says to me softly.

“I would.  I want to hold you in my arms.  I want to hold you and forget about everything else.”

I escort her back inside her job, where I see the OL who rented Kouta and Myself the apartment at the front desk.

It’s her.

“Kanae, let me introduce you to someone. This is my Auntie, Namikaze Hoshino.”

She looks at me with a knowing stare.

“Auntie, this is Kawamura Kanae.  She’s a special person to me.”

Special?

…

“Thank you for coming to see me.”  She says after she sends me off with a hug, and a peck on the lips.

I walk away coolly, and pull out my phone.

There is a single message that has been gnawing at me for a bit.

[Reiko  (1)

I will be back in town soon.  I want to have a family meeting on Sunday.  I haven’t forgotten our promise.  Be there.]

…Ah, so it’s finally going to happen at the worst possible time...

ping.

[Yoragata Ruru (1)

What’s done is done.  I got him to forgive Shi-chan already.  Let me help you already, our flower garden just won’t work without you... there’s not enough balance, and Kouta doesn’t realize how much he needs you.  ...I need you too.] 

Ruru…  since when did you care about me this much?

No. 

You gave me a beer when I was lying naked on the kitchen floor, and you took care of the garden when I trampled over it.

You really are a good girl.

Let me go down this road a bit longer, with Sato-san.

I’ll show my face on Sunday, okay?  I can’t promise anything, but I’ll at least show my face.

(Special Secret: Kanae began drinking less alcohol since meeting Minami, and has instead taken a liking to the coffeehouse Guiseppies's. She began to promote the place on KanaCafe, and it saw a notable increase in business almost immediately.)

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