Chapter 93: Kouta and the new start.

I run my fingers through her beautiful silvery-blue hair.  Her eyes are the deepest ocean blue, and I’m happy to be lost in them.

“You are looking at me so intensely.”

“Aa.  That’s because you are so wonderful.”

“Kawa… Kouta. <3”

Right now the woman sitting on my lap, is my classmate who has loved me since middle school.  I would have turned her down at any other time, but I was so distraught at what happened in my life, I ran from it.  I needed clarity, and when I was at my lowest, three days later, smelling bad and living in a rented room at a net-cafe.  I had received a single text.  It was from her. Sakuraba saved me from myself at that time.

I had dozens of texts I left unread from Ruru and Shi-chan.  I read the ones from Kanae, though.  She understood, and kept me updated on the girls, though I was past it now.  I just kept my eyes peeled for when she would tell me news I half expected to hear.  News that would finish destroying me the rest of the way… news she was pregnant with my child. My luck is extreme for good or for bad.

I’m not a fool.  I knew she wouldn’t think of using a day-after pill.  Kanae always played for keeps.

What did surprise me was ending up back at my home.

I know.

It wasn’t intentional at first. I had actually stayed with Sakuraba-san for a few days.

I got a text from mom about a week later after leaving my old garden.

Dad never came home.

I imagine he is at Shiho’s now.  I told him to stray from mom, then I said don’t divorce.  I’m a hypocrite, in saying and doing that, and to atone for it, to hold on to some goodness I might still have as I spiral into depravity, I decided to be there for mom.

So upstairs in my room, where so much happened with Shi-chan and Kanae, there is a new bud growing in a new garden.  I’m happy to be with her.  There has been no drama, only peace so far.

Sakuraba Umeko. My classmate.

I can’t call her Umecchi.  Even if she is a bit.  She’s been a pillar of support for me.  When she texted me, it was out of concern, but the subtext was for her to give me the homework I missed while I skipped school and sank into depression.

It happened by accident.

I swear it did.

Once it happened though, I realized I betrayed Shi-chan totally.

I had just talked with her at that net cafe, and eventually I ended up pouring my heart out to her.  I didn’t cry, I just talked.  It was Sakuraba-san who made the mistake of getting close to me.  I just… I just pulled her into my lap and kissed her.

I don’t know why I did it.  I just did.  Maybe it was loneliness on my part.  I hadn’t even fapped or anything in those few days. But once I kissed her… 

She got shy.

“Does Kawamura-san … like me?”  She asked coyly.

“I don’t know, but Sakuraba-san does like me.  I’ve known for a while, but… I was hung up on Nakada-san.  Are you mad I kissed you?”

“Not at all.  But I won’t be your girlfriend if you are still going out with her.”

“I haven’t replied to a single text or spoken with any of them since Sunday.” I replied, showing her my phone. “Nor will I since I saw that video.  I’m done with it.  I just want a good girl, who doesn’t betray me.”

“I’m a good girl, Kawamura-san.  Would you like me to be your good girl?”

“I’m a fucked up person, Sakuraba… do you really want to be with me?”

“More than anything.”

So … it happened.  We started dating.  It wasn’t slow like it was with Shi-chan.  That two weeks of teasing.  It was three days.  Three days before she put my hand on her chest.  I had told her to be careful in what she does with me… if I think the sign is clear, I would take her.

So she made the clearest sign she could.

And I did.

It all happened in her room two days later.

Sakuraba is a child of a single parent home, much like Shi-chan is.  She has a younger sister, and I learned she is a quarter foreigner, which explained the hair and eyes.  It didn’t matter to me.  None of that mattered to me.

Even the sex… though it was very nice, was secondary to how she treated me.

I wasn’t idolized, I wasn’t bombarded with craziness. She maintained a comfortable distance until we were together, then returned to it afterwards.  We studied together since we had the same class, and after three weeks, I had returned to school.  She had never stopped going.

Before I talk about school, let me talk about mom.

With dad gone, mom fell into a big depression.  She didn’t drink like she often would, she just sat around ordering in and watching television.  I had suggested if she was lonely to call dad or even the guy she had been with, but she shook her head in a futile gesture.

“This is what I sowed, this is what I reaped.”  was all she said on the matter.

I would care for her, and clean up after her when she wasn’t up to it.  I gave her hugs and even talked to my little imouto who was growing in her stomach day after day.

I had other options.  I could have asked senpai to let me stay at Hiromi’s place, since Ruru returned the key to her.  But I didn’t.  Mom didn’t have anyone, and with the exception of Sakuraba-san, I didn’t either.

Kanae didn’t seem to think I’d go back, and with just mom being there, she also had no reason to return.  It was strange though.  One day, I was taking a shower, and mom joined me.  She washed my back, and I washed hers.

It’s strange to take a shower with your mother when you are a grown man, but mom was lonely.  Normally she would have her fill of dad, and she even said she was feisty when she was pregnant, unable to get her fill.  Nothing weird happened between us or anything.  In fact, mom apologised to me for what had happened at the love hotel with us four.

She had no idea Shi-chan would have done that.  And she was sympathetic when she learned that Shi-chan had now had some intimacy with the entire family, once she shared that kiss.

I learned a secret too.  One that shocked me.

Mom had dated Shiho.

It’s true!

They secretly dated before Shiho snatched up dad in high-school.  Mom said it was just girls’ love, it wasn’t anything more than petting and kissing.  They never did it or anything.  That was a sore spot it seems.  Dad stole Shiho from mom, sort of.  Shiho stopped seeing mom when she fell in love with dad, and mom wanted revenge… the only problem was, she too fell in love with dad.

She understood completely why Shiho did what she did, though the two would never be friends again.  She was the only person my mother feared could steal her future husband, and that fear came true at the worst moment possible.

I worried for her, and I worried for my unborn little sister.  I know mom was unreliable for Kanae and I growing up, but I also believed she wanted to try properly for this one.   I wanted to give her the chance to try.  I would be there to help make sure.

I want to say I couldn’t understand why dad never came home, but I’ve had Shi-chan.  Sakuraba-san is a good girl, she’s soft and tender, and her kisses are pure.  She is excitable and easily jealous.  A good girl.  A proper girl, not a deviant like those from my old garden, who only sought to please themselves with me, and each other…  too willing to stray.  Why dad didn’t come home, is likely because Shiho is undiluted Shi-chan.  A succubus without a limiter.  I got that feeling the first time I saw her that Sunday I was invited over by the wild Nakada-san to meet her.

I doubt my father had his head above water right now.  So drowning in her sex he must be.  And to say he had probably gotten her pregnant.  I had to atone.  So, I am the man of the house now.

Sakuraba-san comes and goes when she has the opportunity.  She has clubs, so when she comes it’s often late, and only on occasion has she stayed the night.

I’ve never made a mistake with her.  I always used condoms.  I bought a large box of fifty.  The only sore point she has with me, is the singular picture I have of Nakada-san in my room.

It is just a large poster of Shi-chan in the dakishimetai pose, which covered the hole in the wall I made with the computer chair, when I lost it that crazy night I had first gone so far with my sister.  I told her it was there to remind me to be grateful for what I have now.  That there is such a thing as too much, and that was her, good and bad. My phone background has even been replaced with a cute picture of my new woman.

I hadn’t told her about me sleeping with Kanae, though.  She knows about Ruru and Shi-chan. Some secrets should remain secret.  But I understood that I would probably have another encounter with Kanae sometime.  I don’t know why, but I understood it intuitively.  We had done something that was almost destined, and however wrong it was… that was just how it is. I would avoid it as long as I could.

However that time was not now.  Right now, I only belong to Sakuraba-san, and she belongs to me.  My sex-filled days have slowed to only once in a while. As it is, it has only been a little over two weeks.  But that’s okay with me.

I got an extension on my work when I called up Senpai the day after I left the garden in frustration.  Frustration at them, and myself.  I wanted to be better, not easily led around and manipulated by those girls.  I wanted to try and grab hold to the last bit of innocence and morality I had.

Sakuraba-san helped me to do so.

I learned from Kanae that she had separated herself from Sato-san.  She spent a week with her after the family argument, letting her down.  After that, she said her free time went to being together with Ruru.  

Shi-chan…

Shi-chan… was not doing well.

I don’t know the full story, and I won’t read the text messages.  I have sent every call to voicemail, but I know I can’t avoid it.  I return to school tomorrow, and I know I’ll have to face up to everything.  So it’s okay.  I’ve been strengthened lately, and I’m prepared to deal with what’s coming when I return. I became strong when I received a text randomly that had a video of Shi-chan and someone. It was in a bathroom at school. There was no volume, but it was no mistaking it being her. I watched it twice then deleted it. It wasn't my problem anymore.

I had joked about making a new garden with Umeko.  She wasn’t the least bit happy when I said it, so I didn’t press the matter. Rather I was happy. She was normal, like me... like I wanted to imagine I was.

“All you need is me.”  She said.

She wasn’t wrong.

I didn’t ask about her past, though she offered to tell me if I was curious.  I wasn’t.  I didn’t care if she was a virgin or not.  I wasn’t anymore, so it didn’t matter.  I’m a rapist and a sister-fucker.  What grounds do I have to judge her?

I also ended up giving mom’s baby a temporary name. She hadn’t picked one out, so I wanted to call her Kizuna.  Mom smiled at the irony of that name.  The baby belongs to dad.  I actually was able to give a sample of my own DNA for comparison.  It was close enough to match.  If it had been the other man’s, it wouldn’t have even come close, though mom didn't ask for a sample from him.

I had wondered if I had also gotten any of the girls pregnant.  It would be around the time they would miss their periods if they had.  I hope to god I didn’t.  Especially not Ruru.

I didn’t mind if it was Kanae.  She wanted it probably more than either of the others.  What I did hope for Kanae, was that if she was, the baby didn’t have any of the defects that can happen.  Shi-chan would be satisfied having my child, she’s said as much through words and reckless actions.  But Ruru was innocent.  She was just a naive adult.  I was her first time. She’s alone in Tokyo, and she is trying to just get by.  Having a child by me would cause her so many hardships… I don’t even want to imagine my own irresponsibility if that came to be.

That’s why I’m being careful with Sakuraba-san.

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That’s why I’m kissing her neck, and pawing at her breasts.

It’s Sunday.  My work is done, and I have time to play.  Mom is downstairs, but I’m keeping it quiet… for now.  I’m okay if it ends in sex, but… I just want to feel her close to me.  To make me feel secure and confident.

That’s one thing that’s happened at least.

I’ve noticed I manned up a bit.

I go for morning runs, and I even bought a small weight set and a board for doing sit ups and such.  My body is slowly showing signs of improvement, but I know I still have a long way to go.

Mom knocks at my door.

“Kouta.  Food’s arrived.”

She’s polite about not opening it.  She made that mistake once already at an inopportune moment.  Sorry mom.

“Hungry?” I ask my new flower and lover.

“I could stand to eat.” she smiles at me.  So I kiss her some more.

We join mom downstairs, and pretend to be a happy family, as she wants.   Well it’s pretend only because Dad and Kanae are gone.  Being with mom in this way, I find I really do like her.  She hasn’t once tried to dismiss me out of her life in any way.  She’s even enjoyed the company of Sakuraba-san, who is exceedingly polite to her as well.  Have I misunderstood her my whole life?  I can’t help but wonder.

Dinner is just something from a local shop.  It’s ready to go sukiyaki.  Mom’s drinking herbal tea, and Sakuraba-san is enjoying a ramune drink.  She had brought a few over to the house, since she’s not a fan of my cherry cola, though we have shared a glass together.

She’s innocent like that still.  Even though I have kissed her, she still gets cute when taking an indirect kiss like that.  It makes me want to gobble her up.  But I’m able to control myself.  She can too.  We each take what we want from the pot, and talk about nothing important.

After dinner, the time is getting late, and is usually the time Sakuraba-san will decide if she’s going to stay over or go home.  She’s decided that she will leave, and will meet me in the morning to walk to school together.  That’s fine with me.

She excuses herself, but not before I take a few more passes at here lips. Unlike the other girls who are naturally beautiful, Sakuraba-san believes in make-up.  So, her lips always taste like chalky make up or flavorful lip gloss.  I enjoy the cola flavored ones.  I think she bought that one just for me.

She gives my mother a hug, and says goodnight.  My mom tells me to escort her, but as it turns out she lives really close to me.  So it’s not a big deal.  Our neighborhood is a safe one.  I can’t even remember the last time I heard of any crime here.

That leaves me and mom.

We clear the table, and store the food we didn’t eat in containers for later.  Mom retires to the couch and goes to light up but realises she’s out, and grumbles.

I tell her to relax, and that I’ll go get her some.

The Seven is the only place nearby that’s easy enough to take care of the task.  I rely on Kii-chan at times like this.

“Kocchi!” I hear her say.

I left the house and called her up, asking that if she wasn’t busy, if she’d do me that favor.  I’m not twenty, and I don’t want to risk seeing Sato-san.  I’ve avoided the Seven for this reason.

Why Kii-chan?

Because surprisingly, she contacted me after I left the garden, and wanted to know why.  In truth, it’s so she can let Shi-chan know how I’m doing.  We both understand this being the reason.

“How’s everything at home?” I ask.

“It’s fucking great!  I… think I like the way things are.  I know I should hate you for it, but… Kocchi… you had the right idea.  She does everything, and even gets fucked up with me on her days off.  We have tons of great sex, her, Micchi and myself… and… it’s never been better.  I was worried for a bit, because everything was going right, you know? Too good.  I wanted something to go wrong so I could be so angry at the situation.  But I’m not.  It’s everything I could want.”

“I’m glad it’s working out for you.”  I say, truly meaning that.

“Still no intention to see her?” She asks, the real question now.

“I’ll see her tomorrow whether I want to or not.” I answer.  “I’m going back to school then.”

“Good for you.  Any idea how you’ll handle it?”

“I have to cut it off.  I’m with another woman now, I told you.”

“I know.  I just hoped it wouldn’t end like this for you two.” Kii-chan said with a sigh.

“I did too.  But… I think I was too unprepared and incapable of it, Kii-chan.  I will never forget it though.  Shi-chan is irreplaceable, so I will never try to replace her.  I will just move forward with my life.”

“Do what you need to then, Kocchi.  But that girl will never let you go.”  She says, handing me the pack for my mother.

“I know.  But I have to let her go, or I’ll stop being me.”

“You seem more confident.”

“I’m doing my best.”

“I’ll pass along a hello to Micchi for you, though I imagine you’ll see him at work tomorrow.”

“Right.  Slap Min-Min’s ass for me, okay?”

“Roger!”

We jokingly part, and I return home to mom.

Now Nakada-san will know I’m going to school.  I hope to deal with that in the least painful way.  Thankfully the one secret she did keep was that I was staying with my mom at home.  Despite being on Shi-chan’s side.  She understood that much.  It was to protect Shi-chan that she wouldn’t be harmed by me again.

That was the reason.

I get home and pass the pack to my mother, who is thankful she didn’t have to drive or walk there herself, even though she is fully capable of doing so.

On TV is a drama, and mom has taken to watching them.

“I remember one from when I was in high school about this cool biker teacher that reformed these delinquent kids… The shit they have on tv now is a far cry from those ones, even the remake sucked.”

I laugh. I think she was talking about the Amazing Coach Bozozuka. 

It’s from before my time.

We watch for a while, and I start to feel tired.  Mom is using me as a pillow, since it’s hard for her to lay down and then get up.  

The other sort of weird thing is the substitution I have with dad.

I sleep with mom in her bed on days Sakuraba-san isn’t here.

Nothing strange is going on.  Mom just needs a body next to her.  All I do is rub her stomach from time to time.  No, the real reason I’m there is for when she falls asleep.

She only calls dad’s name out when she gets restless.

It crushes me.

So I’ve taken to telling her it’s okay, and I love her, trying to mimic dad's voice.

That’s the only thing that brings her peace at night.  

I wonder, does she think I’m dad in her dreams?  I hope so.  I didn’t want the family to break, but I’m the one who broke it.  At least, I feel that way.

If I wouldn’t have slept with Kanae, dad wouldn’t have lost it the rest of the way.  There might have been something to salvage.

Mom… mom dealt with it surprisingly well, when I told her about how things were since I had started dating Nakada-san.

She just hugged me.  She accepted the blame for things being like that as being her fault.  Whether she is right nor not is irrelevant.  It just ended up that way.

Either way, I fall asleep rubbing my little imouto’s home, hoping she won’t experience the failures we all have.  Maybe the future will be better for her.  I’m working on the future being better for me, and hopefully helping mom see that better future for herself.

My last act is to text dad.

[To Dad

Please, just visit mom.  Make love to her, and go.  Give her that much at least.  Once a week… it’s all I’m asking you for, otherwise I’ll have to step in.]

ping.

I get a reply before I completely pass out.

[Dad  (1)

Okay, creep.]

Thanks, dad.  I didn’t mean it though.  She’s mom.  No chance in hell I’ll do that with mom.

I woke up to my phone alarm, and slid out of bed.  Mom has no need to wake up, so I let her sleep in.  She doesn’t care anyway, so I head to my room, and get dressed for school.

I ended up buying a cheap replacement pc on sale from Yamazon, so I could do some work.  So my room is pretty much the same, just with fewer manga and clothes. My beast PC is at the apartment still, along with my regrets.

I’m a new Kouta.

And when the doorbell rings, I head to school, holding hands with my new future.  Bright silvery-blue hair, bright blue eyes, bright smile... the future is looking bright.  To me, at least.

(Secret 71:  Kouta has been buying small things for his new imouto, but keeping them secret from his mother.  He’s going to make sure she receives plenty of love and affection, so there isn’t a chance she will grow fucked up like the rest of them.)

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