Chapter 14: Chapter 14 – Play possum

After the kiss, I bend over to Mary and playfully click her on the nose.

"You can kiss your friend under the mistletoe too!" I smile, trying to hide my nervousness. And I kiss her on the tip of her nose.

The living room which was silent for a moment comes to life again, and everything seems to return to the usual fun. Only my mom shakes her head disapprovingly.

I leave the living room and walk to the kitchen. I need to get some air. I even forgot that I actually followed Ray. Ray froze on the spot. He hesitantly follows me after a second.

I pour a glass of cold water, but I don't have time to drink it. Ray comes close to me. Very close. Too close. Subconsciously, I anticipate what will happen now and fire up like a match. But at this moment, mom comes bustling into the kitchen.

"Sam!" She exclaims. "Ray! Well, who behaves like that? Why did you leave Jenny alone?"

I place the glass on the table with a loud thud. Ray moves away from me. And I don't have time to catch his eye.

And damn it, I do love my mom, but..! I'm disappointed that she burst in like this! And I have no slightest desire to talk to mom or Jenny right now. I need to think!

"Mom, I need to use the bathroom. I'll be right back!" I say a little nervously and hastily walk into the corridor. The bathroom is vacant. I lock the door and turn on the water.

Music and the hubbub of voices are heard from behind the door. And I'm like in some other world. I wash my face.

God... Fuck, fuck, fuck!.. I do a couple of nervous circles around the small room and sit on the edge of the bathtub... And then it all washed down on me, making me sink to the floor.

In the kitchen, when Ray came up to me, I'm not joking, I was burning. I was completely overwhelmed with heat, and my thoughts scattered. It happens when I get aroused. It's like I was drunk and... DAMN!

I wasn't going to do that. I... I told myself before leaving the town. I. Will. Act. Like. A. Friend! And I kissed Ray in front of my family under the mistletoe! And it was the lousiest acting of the year!

I don't know why I did it. It felt like I broke something. Like I stepped over the line with this seemingly innocent kiss.

I run my fingers through my hair as if I'm trying to get the answer right out of my head. But there is no answer.

...maybe it's good that mom came in on us?.. I know we would do it... I feel it... But I don't know if I wanted it or not. I could not think straight then, and now I'm no better!

Before my eyes, a picture unfolds of what would have happened if my mother had not come into the kitchen, and this makes me feel hot. I'm scared; my hands are shaking. Can I just lie here on the rug?

I force myself to sit up straight and exhale several times. Then I get up, go to the sink and wash my face several times with cold water.

Calm the fuck down... I must be reasonable. Let's think logically. I drank wine. Today is a holiday. Memories flooded over me, and Jenny taunted Ray!

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No! It does not help. I start calmly, but then I get confused anyway, and emotions overwhelm me. And when I think about Ray staying in my room tonight, I... no, it's better not to think about it!

"Are you all right in there?" a knock on the door and Ray's voice pulls me out of the maelstrom of feelings. Startled, I look at the door. And there's only one idea in my head, and I'm thankful that my ravenous mind could produce this at least.

"Eh..." Grunting, I bend in half and make a suffering face. "I think I have food poisoning..." I open the door and try not to look at Ray. "I threw up, and my head is spinning," I continue in a muffled voice, holding my stomach.

"Are you serious?!" Ray takes me by the shoulders worriedly. "Why are you holding on to your stomach? Does it hurt? What if it's appendicitis? I'll call someone now!"

"No!" I answer sharply. "I don't want to make everyone worried!" and then I add weakly. "I don't have appendicitis. My stomach doesn't hurt... I just need to lie down in my room and drink some water."

"Okay, okay," Ray says nervously, still looking around as if the idea of calling someone for help has never left his head. I'm even a little ashamed of my lies. But... I couldn't think of anything better.

Ray escorts me to the room, opens the door, helps me to lie on the bed, and fusses around me.

"Let's at least call your mom," he says.

"Don't. She's busy with guests, gifts, and all that. I don't want to worry her over some little trouble. I'm feeling better. I just need a rest..."

"Are you hot? Cold? Should I open the window? Cover you with a blanket? Maybe you need a hot drink? Or a cold towel?" Ray stutters.

I can hardly hold back my smile. Overcoming my shame, I answer, "No, it's okay. You can go downstairs and continue celebrating. You don't have to sit here."

Saying this, I don't quite understand if I want Ray to stay with me or to leave me alone. But deep down, I already knew that this weirdo would not go anywhere. When he smirks back at me and grumbles while climbing on the bed next to me, I feel warmth enveloping me gently.

"I'll just take a nap, okay?" I say, again wanting to escape. I don't want to sleep at all, but I really need some quiet time to think. And lying in my room with my eyes closed is the most fruitful environment for thoughts.

It would be... if there was no "but". This "but" lies close by. Close enough. So close I can smell his shower gel.

Ray sits with his back on the pillows, his legs stretched out on the bed. I can see a side of his face. And for a second before he looks at me, I close my eyes and pretend to be asleep.

Sounds from downstairs fly into the room - music, TV, laughter, conversations. But this is all just white noise. The main thing is that Ray is here. I can feel his presence. And it seems like a better holiday than the noisy party downstairs.

What if I fell in love with him for real? Then everything seems simple - I just have to tell him this, overcome this strange barrier of embarrassment (which we almost did), and that's it. What am I so afraid of?

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