Chapter 2: Chapter 2 – Gay-safe

After work, I stop by the supermarket to buy groceries. It's my turn to cook tomorrow. And I can only make a decent tuna salad. So I grab a couple of cans of tuna.

I also buy fizzy candies for Ray. I need to cheer him up somehow.

Are we really twenty-three? My basket full of chips, candies, and cans of soda disagrees... It's more for fifteen-year-olds... Oh! By the way, we can have a video game night!

When I get home, I... What the fuck is this?!

Rainbow ribbons hang around the apartment. There's a rainbow flag on the door as well.

"Ray! Ray! What the hell?"

He walks out of the room in short shorts and an iridescent t-shirt.

"Sam! You're home! Finally! Welcome!"

"What... what is going on?.."

"Hmm? Oh, this?" He plays innocent. "I just want you to know that this apartment is free from all prejudices! It's gay-safe!"

"It's dangerous for the mental health of children, pregnant women, and dogs..." I mumble under my breath. "You..." I stumble and draw a deep breath. "We had a great apartment! Where I was comfortable! And now it's some kind of circus!" I shout out.

Suddenly I have a bad feeling, and I run to my room.

"Ray! I will strangle you!"

My room looks like a dream princess' room. I angrily rip colorful posters and tinsel off the walls.

"Hey! Hey!" Ray tries to pacify me.

"Ray! Ray," I try to speak calmly, but now and then I break into a scream. "What the hell is going on with you?! I've told you. I'm fine! FINE! I realized I was gay ten years ago!"

"And you did not have the opportunity to open up!" Ray speaks in an annoyingly soothing tone as if I were a toddler in a tantrum. "Because you were afraid that you would not be accepted! But not here!" he states surely.

"You... What the hell?! I never wanted any of this! I'm just gay! I'm not a fairy or a unicorn, damn it!" I pop the balloon with a heart painted on its side, and glitter falls out of it. Oh no, no, I'm going to break something now. For example, this psycho in short shorts. "So," I breathe exasperated. "Either you turn everything back to normal. Yourself included! Or I'm moving out! Did you get it?!" I frown and pout, glaring at him.

Ray recoils.

"Okay, I get it," he raises his hands defeated. "But..."

I try to stab him with my glance.

"Maybe you can help me?" smiling ingratiatingly, he asks. I laugh back sarcastically.

"Oh, no, my rainbow friend. You made this mess - you clean this up," and I push him out of the room and close the door.

Fucking nutcase. If only he could redirect his energy of stupidity to something useful, he would've long been something more than a bartender in a cafe!

I put the decorations in a big trash bag. After an hour, I leave the room. Ray has already finished cleaning and changed.

We sit down to dinner. I see that he is still sulking, but tries to pretend he's not.

"Ray, what makes you so fixated on the fact that I'm gay?" I ask softly, willing to have a normal conversation and set things straight between us. Ray chews and shrugs silently, not even looking at me.

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"Maybe..." I continue. "You're trying so hard to show me that you accept me because you don't really accept me?"

He whips his head and looks at me a bit surprised. But I think I'm not far from the truth.

"I understand that all this was unexpected for you. We have known each other for years, and here is such news. I feel you, ok? You don't have to bend over backwards. I don't want it to be hard for you. And if something worries you, let's just talk about it. We're friends, aren't we?" I ask hopefully.

Ray is silent for a long time, and then he says, "Would you think of me as a bad friend if I told you that your sexuality bothers me?"

"Well, if you don't want to burn me at the stake, then I think it's okay," I smile hesitatingly. "What exactly is bothering you?"

"I don't know..." Ray sits back in his chair, palms on the table as he pushes himself back. "It's just... you hid it from me for so long. And I thought I knew everything about you. But it turned out you had some kind of secret life. I just don't understand why you didn't tell me."

"I didn't think it was that important to you, really. We never even talked about sex..."

"It's not about sex! Just ... I don't know how to explain."

I shift my gaze; it starts to feel uncomfortable.

"Look, okay, maybe I wasn't completely honest when I said I didn't care how you'd take it. And perhaps I was hiding it, for the most part, unconsciously. I just didn't want our relationship to change. Or so that you'd start thinking all kinds of things about me," I admit.

"Why should I start thinking 'things' about you?" he inquires.

"Do you know any other gay guys?"

"No."

"That's why you picked up some stereotypes about rainbow flags and short shorts... pride parades and gay clubs?"

"If you told me right away that you were gay, I would not have had them."

"Okay, I'm sorry I didn't."

Ray looks down and up at me, "Sorry, I was acting like an idiot."

"Truce?" I offer sanguinely, smiling. "And no tinsel!"

"Okay," Ray agrees, frowning slightly.

"I just want everything to remain the same. So that we can be friends and talk about everything... You know? As before ... as always," I add.

Ray looks away thoughtfully. I don't like his thoughtfulness at all. What ideas are wandering in this head?..

"Okay," he finally answers, but I don't really believe him.

Five minutes later, he enthusiastically chatters about what happened during the day, but it seems there's some kind of undertow. It slides in his gaze and sometimes in his voice. As if he ceased to be completely sincere with me. As if when I took off my mask, for some reason, he put it on.

These thoughts make me sleep poorly, and at work, I'm a little distracted. Why am I so nervous about it? Even if Ray does not accept me... then we will part, and then... Well, it was supposed to happen sooner or later, right? It's not like we were going to be roommates forever...

No, it's too early to think about this. It hurts deep in my chest... We have gone through so much, and I consider him my closest friend. Without him, everything won't be the same...

I need to talk to him again. But for now, I think it's better to give him time to calm down.

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