Chapter 3: Chapter 3 – Totally confused

I stay late at the shop. It's not that I have a lot of work, but there is always something to do, and I do all the things that I put off... then I do things that I don't really need to do... and then I invent more and more new things to keep myself busy.

Did I decide not to come home until Ray calms down?..

The ringing of my phone sounds muffled from under the bags of dog food.

"Hello?" I say when I finally get it out.

"Are you not coming home tonight?" Ray says in his usual voice, but I hear something else. Or am I making it up?

"Yeah... It's just... I have a lot of work," I lie.

"I can come and help," Ray offers.

"Yeah... no, I've already finished. But my brother asked me to come by."

"So late?"

"What time is it already?"

"Actually, it's two past midnight."

"Ah..." I stop. "Then I'm going home now."

"I'm waiting."

"Oh, come on," I laugh unnaturally.

"...at the shop."

And he hangs up. I could only stare at the screen in bewilderment.

Ray met me from work sometime before, of course. Especially if he had a late shift. Today, as I remember, he had a day off. What did he come for?

Okay, maybe I make a big deal out of it. He just came to meet me from work, that's all. We're friends. Only after my confession, it doesn't look like it!

I hastily stack up the remaining bags, put on my sweater, and leave the shop. Ray is standing at the door outside.

"Why couldn't you just wait for me at home?" I ask with my usual smile.

But Ray is kind of gloomy. Okay, I'll wait a bit. I wanted to talk to him, but it feels like he has something to say to me too.

"I wanted to take a walk," he replies.

"Something happened?"

"No," he shrugs. "Let's go?"

I hope I don't get another rainbow explosion surprise at home. Although judging by Ray's mood, I can't count on a rainbow.

We walk in silence for a while. I'm still waiting for Ray to tell me what's on his mind. I am sure that his head is full of thoughts. They'll spill over the brim any minute now. I just have to wait. Not to push him out off the track.

He seems lost in his thoughts so deeply that he doesn't notice the red traffic light. I grab his hand and jerk him back from the road he was about to cross.

"You fell asleep, or what?" I ask, nodding at the red light. But Ray lowers his gaze to my hand, and I immediately unclench it. Does my touch disgust him?

Now I'm starting to get nervous. I'm not sure if I have the patience to wait for Ray to finally speak up.

I don't know what to ask, so I also keep silent.

And we walk in silence all the way to the house. I am the first to go to the shower. And when I go out of the bathroom, there is silence in the apartment. And there's no light in Ray's room. It's all so strange.

In the morning, we meet in the kitchen for breakfast, and Ray's reverie hasn't faded overnight. He sits across from me and drinks coffee.

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"Have you already had sex?" He suddenly asks. I even choked on a toast. But his silence gave me a lot of trouble, so I pretend that his question doesn't surprise me too much.

"I have," I answer simply.

"And ... did you like it?" he focuses his gaze on me, but I just can't read his emotion.

"Well... yes," I say.

"And you... were you the top or..."

"I can do both," I cut him, not letting him finish the question because it's difficult for me to cope with my growing embarrassment. But I'm trying my best to show Ray that everything is the same between us, and the level of trust allows us to talk about such topics quite naturally. Though I don't feel like it!

"And it... well... hurts?"

"Sometimes it happens... But if you are with the right person, everything goes well."

"Did you... did you have such a person?"

I look at him for a while.

"Well... um... yeah, I guess," I shrug. I don't know why it's so uncomfortable. "But I'm single now and... um... Look, sex is... well, it's quite simple. So... I probably shouldn't have said about the right person; this is just a corny phrase. When it comes to sex, you need to be comfortable and... well, safe. And there are some preparations needed, but I don't think you want me to fill you in on the details, right?" I laugh nervously. Ray doesn't ask anything else and doesn't even look at me.

"And I ..." he suddenly stops. The pause drags on.

"You what?" I push him.

"Do you think I'm... handsome?"

Probably, before, I would have mocked him somehow. I would have laughed my ass off at this idiot. But over the last couple of days, Ray seemed to have changed dramatically. And his question is very serious.

I remember he only asked me that one time in high school when he was going to ask a girl to prom. I don't remember what I answered then... But we ended up going to the prom together...

"Quite," I nod eagerly and go on to cheer him up some more. "You are a great guy and a good friend! Sometimes you're weirdo, but you're funny!" I chuckle kindly.

"Would you go on a date with me?" He looks at me intently.

"Well, of course, I would!" I reply with an inadequate amount of confidence. "And in general, any girl you choose will be very lucky! She will never get bored, that's for sure!" I try to make Ray smile, but he's deadly serious.

"Let's go then," he says. And the meaning of his words does not reach me.

"Where?" I ask, puzzled.

"On a date. With me."

All my confidence and feigned carelessness collapsed somewhere under the table.

"Where..?" I ask stupidly, trying to smile again to turn everything into a joke.

"Wherever you want... although no, it's not right. I asked you out, so I'll pick the place. I'll call you in the evening."

He gets up, leaving me completely bewildered. I'm rooted to the chair. I try my best to grasp the meaning of the words he said.

"What is he going to do?!" I ask myself aloud. But Ray has already left the apartment.

I go to work... no, I run to work. I can't walk. Raging emotions make me jumpy.

Ray doesn't return my messages or calls, and I'm terribly nervous. Damn, it seems we're talking in different languages!

Wasn't the truth supposed to set me free? I don't understand what he's thinking?! What's got into his head?! What date, for fuck's sake!

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