Chapter 5: Chapter 5 – Falling apart

The meaning of his phrase reached me a little later than Ray's words. Therefore, I managed to blurt out in response, "Well, this date sucks! If you want to impress or even please, you have to be something more. Be interesting! Overcome your shyness! I'm not surprised that you're still single!"

At this moment, I realize I've said too much.

"I mean... I'm sorry, Ray... that's not what I meant... I..."

But he doesn't care about my lame excuses.

"Sorry," I get up with a burning feeling of guilt. "I'm truly sorry..."

I head to the exit without looking back.

The rain picked up. My jacket gets soaked through and through. It's a long way to my home, and the rain doesn't seem to subside anytime soon.

I was about to turn into an alley and stand under a canopy to wait out this downpour, although I was already cold when I heard the beep.

The Honda with Ray behind the wheel catches up with me.

"Get in," he says shortly. And horrified I realize that I'd rather stay under this pouring rain, drenched and cold, than sit in his car, in this awkward silence that echoes my harsh words.

But having made an effort, I sit in the back seat.

"Take off your sweater. It's wet," Ray says, not turning to me.

"I'm fine," I answer, but my teeth rattle. As Ray pulls away, I lean my head against the headrest and close my eyes. I wish it all was just a bad dream.

As I feared, the road seems endless in this deafening silence, which neither rain nor radio could drown out.

I open my eyes but can't make out the view through the rain. But it's clear that Ray is in no hurry to go home. But why? Isn't it hard for him too?

He doesn't say anything, I can't break the silence too. I'm scared. When we fought and argued, I never felt that we became strangers.

"I'm sorry..." I struggled so hard to open my mouth that my words sound disappointingly quiet. So I push myself to go on. "I'm sorry for my words in the restaurant. I really didn't mean it this way. It was rude. There is nothing wrong with being shy. You don't have to prove anything to anyone and be someone else but yourself. So please, I beg you, become yourself. Become my friend Ray again, with whom we stole a fish from the store together and released it into the local pond. The friend who was there when my father died and I was completely broken, but you were there for me and helped me to get back on my feet. I need you very much. Please."

Ray is silent, glancing at me in the rearview mirror, and then he replies a little hoarsely, "So should I be myself or be your friend?"

For some time, I anxiously reflect on his words, "It's different things now?"

Now Ray takes his time to think. My anxiety is only getting stronger. I can't believe that in a few days everything could have changed so drastically.

Our friendship has always been something unshakable. Something I can't imagine my life without. And why does it seem to me that I am about to lose it?..

"If that's the case," I say in a shrunken voice, "then be yourself. Pretense is not something you can build a friendship on," I trail off and then add with cautious hope. "Maybe I can still make friends with the real you."

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I just didn't want to sound fatal, although I can't say I added much optimism anyway. Ray stares at me in the mirror but doesn't say anything till the end of the ride.

When he stops at the house, I reach for the door and hear Ray's voice saying, "I'll go for another ride. I need to return the car."

"Are you sure?" I ask hesitantly. "It's dark, and the rain isn't subsiding. Maybe tomorrow?"

"No," Ray says shortly. I get out of the car, and he drives off, leaving me in confusion.

I don't even know where I would like to be now.

I go upstairs to the apartment, take a hot shower, finally get rid of my wet clothes, and go to bed. I want to fall asleep. So desperately, I just want to pass out, but I can't.

I keep waiting for the steps, the key in the door. I'm waiting for Ray to return, but he's not coming back.

I fall asleep only in the morning, and the alarm clock immediately wakes me up.

For some reason, it even makes me happy. The work could keep me busy and distracted. At least, I really hope for it.

I don't know what I can tell Ray to get everything back the way it was before. I guess I just have to admit that this is impossible.

His yesterday words never leave my head. Has Ray been pretending to be someone else all this time? I just don't understand what's going on...

Maybe Ray hasn't figured himself out, and I just need to give him time. I will not exaggerate. And although it's incredibly difficult, I will try at least not to overthink. I will wait.

Maybe he wasn't joking when he said he was gay. And I made fun of him...

Damn... What the hell?! How did he suddenly turn out to be gay? And right after he found out about me!

He was definitely confused and taken aback. He just needs time to process.

Time... fucking time! Why can't I just rewind this agonizing waiting?

OK. I am ready to be patient. This is the least I can do. I want to preserve our relationship. And for this, I can endure.

Now I'd better dive into work!

Or maybe I should call him?.. What if something happened to him yesterday?

I open the messenger and see that Ray was online early in the morning, so at least he didn't die. Then I'll leave him alone for now.

Get to work!

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