Chapter 6: Chapter 6 – Seeking help

My brother James invites me to come over for dinner. And at first, I grab onto it as a lifeline.

All day I felt misplaced. I scrolled through all the feed, but it didn't bring me peace of mind. I hypnotized the phone, checked the messages 10 times a minute, and constantly imagined the ringing sound, but Ray did not get in touch.

As it turned out, I have no other friends. I talked to Ray mostly, and his absence feels like a hole inside my chest. I always thought Ray was a nice guy... or rather, he is... We were friends since childhood, and I haven't really given it a thought - what kind of person Ray is. I just got used to him.

I think it's natural when you've been friends for so long. Like, Ray is just Ray. Yes, this is natural but possibly wrong.

If we met now, could we have become friends? Or are we connected only by the past? And this connection could not pass this strange test, revealing that as soon as we stepped aside from the beaten path of our usual communication, we immediately found ourselves in the wilderness of misunderstanding and alienation. We got lost in words and stopped hearing each other.

And, just like I'd feel in a real forest, I am scared. I took Ray for granted and had no idea how much he was dear to me. I don't know what I can do.

And there are also his strange words - to be himself or be my friend. I can't even comprehend this.

Just the other day, he accused me of having a double life and hiding my sexuality. And now it turns out that he was pretending to be someone else? Who has a double life now?

Reflecting on these thoughts, I reach my brother's house, where Joyce meets me. She is glad to see me. And although it is clear that her pregnancy is not easy for her, she still bustles around me and James.

"Honey, take a seat, please. I can do it!" my brother says gently, and I get up after him, but he makes me sit down.

"You seem brooding," Joyce asks me sympathetically, placing a warm hand on my palm. I look at her and realize I haven't even prepared a safe lie. "Something happened?"

And it turns out that I missed compassion and sincerity...

"I had a fight with Ray," I answer, and it comes out bitter.

"With your boyfriend?" She asks a little more quietly. Joyce and my brother know that I'm gay. We don't usually discuss it, but now I'm even grateful for her concern.

It's not that I want to turn family dinner into a night of revelations, but I am actually lost. And the person who always supported me in such situations, this time happened to be the cause of this situation. So I take what I can.

"No. Ray is my childhood friend. We rent an apartment together," I clarify.

"Oh, forgive me. How could I forget?!" Joyce exclaims. "Why did you have a fight?"

Somehow I didn't think about it. How to answer this question? I don't have the strength to come up with something. I really need help, so I just say first what comes to mind, "He found out that I am gay."

"And you fought because of this?"

"No... it's not... or rather, honestly, I don't know!" I exclaim. My brother turns around. "He found out that I'm gay, and he started acting weird. First, he said that he accepted me. Then he said that it bothered him. Then he asked me on a date. And then he said that being himself and being my friend are two different things now! And I have no idea what to do!" I cry out and draw a jagged breath.

Baffled, Joyce and James look at me, and I realize that my urge to speak out my confused feelings played a cruel joke on me. The silence drags on.

"Sorry," I say, folding my napkin. "I shouldn't have come. And I shouldn't have said it. I better go. Enjoy your dinner."

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I get up from the table, resentment burning in the pit of my stomach. Neither Joyce nor James stops me.

I go home, checking my phone over and over again on the go. I end up sitting on the bench at the bus stop and typing a text for Ray. One draft, second... tenth... but I erase every message without sending it. I don't know what I want to say to him other than "Change back", but I told him that he should be himself. Who should I be then?

I think I need a drink. Maybe I should go to a gay club after all? I chuckle under my breath. I don't want to go home. There, surrounded by four walls, I will be cornered, and my thoughts will eat me up. I need to unwind somehow.

So I go to a gay club. At first, the crowd around and the music annoy me, but I know the rules.

First, I hit the bar and take a few shots, one by one. Now I need to wait a bit for alcohol to kick in.

I close my eyes and sit still until I feel a little dizzy from the noise. I start liking the music. I open my eyes and see people on the dancing floor. I begin to feel like a part of this club, this music, and therefore I go dancing and dissolve in the atmosphere.

It gets hotter and hotter. I unbutton my jacket and shirt. Next to me are similar heated bodies moving to the beat of the music and laughing, and I laugh too.

The next drink I have is a lovers' shot with some guy... and then he drinks me, or I drink him in the chill-out zone, drowning in soft pillows and fragrant hookah smoke. He invites me to his place, but I don't want to leave these silk clouds. And he probably leaves me because the next thing happens, the manager wakes me up.

"We're closing," he says rather politely. But it's like I went deaf from all the music. My head is slow. I hardly get up. I need a taxi.

I force myself to go outside. The early morning coolness returns me to at least some ability to think. I look at my watch. In an hour and a half, I have to be at work.

I also see a couple of missed calls from James and... 12 missed calls from Ray and one voicemail. For some reason, it sobers me up faster than the cold.

It's an understatement actually.

I feel like I was doused with icy water. Oh, God, I'm so nervous... and for some reason, I am ashamed as if I've done something wrong...

There is silence in the voicemail from Ray, and only at the very end of it there's a quiet "Damn". I listened to it several times. And in his silence, I catch that Ray felt the same as I do. He, too, is lost and does not know how to get back to normal.

But maybe it's just my wishful thinking.

I'm going home by taxi. Standing at the door to our apartment, I discover a new feeling - now I'm afraid of meeting Ray.

This is absolutely unacceptable!

Determined, I insert the key into the lock and enter. The apartment is quiet. I come up to Ray's room - the door is ajar, and I see him sleeping on the bed fully dressed.

It's so strange. It's like I haven't seen him in ages. I glance around his room. Everything seems to be as usual. Even the out-of-tune guitar is in place. I close the door and go to the shower. I get rid of the consequences of my fun and change clothes to run to work.

On the doorstep, I hear Ray wakes up and gets out of bed. Everything inside me screams, "Run!", but I don't like it one bit. So, despite everything, I force myself to stand still.

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