Chapter 18: Ch. 18 Mending the Cracks

The feeling of being in love was exciting. It made every little thing into a mystery that you could never answer, yet you desperately hoped.

The feeling of being loved was soothing. It made every little thing warm and comforting, meaningful. I never knew how much a goodnight and a good morning could mean to me.

Not just from Kiko.

“Okay, that’s enough—it’s already past your bedtime,” said Mi, her distant voice coming through the phone.

Hearing Himawari’s sigh, I giggled to myself. “We can talk more tomorrow. I’m really excited to make a movie with that idea,” I said, smiling.

After a second’s pause, during which I imagined Himawari pouting, she said, “Okay. I’m going to write a script at school with Nana-chan. Oyasumi.”

As always around those two, the most innocent sentences set off a wave of sadness through me. How nice it would have been if Himawari and Nana could make these movies together…. One day.

“Oyasumi,” I said back.

One day.

While I was thinking about tomorrow, Kiko called me too. A busy night. I answered with a smile so wide it hurt, yet couldn’t help it. “Moshi moshi,” I said, a fun bit of Japanese.

Maybe my enthusiasm was noticeable, a quiet chuckle coming through. “Good evening—it’s not too late, is it?”

“No, I’m happy to talk to you any time,” I said.

We still hadn’t discussed that drive home, but I’d pushed a little more since then and she hadn’t pushed me back. A little more casual, a little flirty, nothing much, but enough to keep me walking on air.

Another chuckle blessed my ears, even through the phone the sound enough to give me a happy feeling. “Great. Well, it’s nothing important. I was wondering if you wanted to properly meet Takahashi-san.”

Sakura’s mother. I’d seen her a couple times when going in and out of Mi’s house, exchanging a polite wave and smile, but nothing more. “Sure,” I said.

So the wheels turned, bringing me and Kiko to Sakura’s house Sunday afternoon while the girls were all out. I had to smile to myself about that, wondering how Mi and Sakura were finding the weekly trip to the public baths. Hormones were a force to be reckoned with.

“I thought you might be nervous, but didn’t expect you to be excited?” Kiko lightly said, humour in her voice.

“I was thinking about something else,” I said.

A knowing look in her eye, she said, “Mi-chan and Hima-chan?”

“Half-right,” I said and said no more, no matter how curiously she looked at me.

The meeting with Takahashi started normal enough. She let us in and showed us to the lounge and offered green tea and mentioned her son and husband were out at a baseball game, only then settling into actual conversation.

“So, Toyama-sensei tells us you help Mi-chan with her work?” Takahashi asked.

Smiling, I dipped my head in a polite nod. “It so happens I work in programming and so have given her much advice,” I said, leaning into a more polite manner of speaking.

“Isn’t that wonderful? We can help her with many things as her neighbour, but work and, well, money is not something suitable,” she said, hesitating over the money part. A lot of cultures were sensitive about personal affairs like that.

“She’s a good girl who works hard, but I wish she could focus more on school and enjoying her youth,” I said.

Takahashi eagerly nodded, taking a sip of her tea. “It’s such a shame what has happened to her and Himawari-chan.”

I felt the urge to clarify, but didn’t want to complicate things or divulge anything Mi didn’t want known. Coming into this meeting, I hadn’t really known what I wanted out of talking to her or what Kiko had in mind—if there even was a greater purpose than just an introduction.

“Well, we cannot change the past, so I hope to help them have a happier future,” I said.

“Yes, yes, that’s right,” she said, nodding again.

Thankfully, Kiko saved us from talking in circles, clearing her throat. “As much as I wish to baby Mi-chan, it’s not my place. If she wishes to invite Millie-san over, I have no objection, but I wish to settle Takahashi-san’s conscience.”

It took me a moment to understand, very carefully put. Not the sort of Japanese I was familiar with. Still, the sentiment—it touched me. A measure of trust beyond what she’d shown so far.

As for Takahashi, she took that as permission to grill me. A very polite grilling, but a grilling nonetheless, from my job to what things I could cook to my current relationship status. It almost felt like a marriage interview, except I didn’t know who she was interviewing me on behalf of.

We couldn’t stay too long with the girls eventually coming back and that was very much a relief. Not the ideal conversation to have in a second language, but I did my best and she didn’t push too hard.

“I think that went well,” Kiko said, apparently sharing my thoughts.

I chuckled, buckling into her car. “Can you tell me why we did that now? That was a bit more than an introduction,” I said.

Kiko sighed and, when I turned to face her, she looked so small. Not answering right away, she started to drive. Familiar with the area, I knew it wasn’t the way to my place or hers, not to anywhere I could think she’d take me. But I trusted that she was taking me to where she needed to take me.

A silent journey, bringing us to the school she worked at and Mi attended. I recognised it from my time as Mi, but obviously couldn’t say that, so instead simply asked, “Is this your school?”

She nodded and then slowly got out. I copied her, a bit worried by now. Rather than stoic, she seemed fragile, delicate. I didn’t know what distance to keep, wanting to both console her with a hug and give her space.

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Step by step, she showed me around the school, pointing out places where her memories lingered—the first classroom she taught in, where her “maths club” had met. Yes, this was the school she’d attended too, the school Mi’s mother had taught at.

Mi didn’t know that.

Of course, I wouldn’t know that and so didn’t say. Besides, right now, Kiko was the one who needed me.

Along the way, we met a few teachers. They greeted her warmly enough and didn’t even question her showing me around. Well, I had a visitor’s badge. Anyway, it seemed like a warm place for her, staff and students alike in liking her. She deserved it. From what I knew of her past, she deserved this small piece of happiness. Of course, everyone deserved happiness, but, when people had a rough past, it felt good to know they’d found that happiness.

As for why we were having this impromptu tour, she never told me nor did I ask. We simply wandered in her memories until we came to a bench by the edge of the sports field.

After a while of just sitting there, not too close, but not too far apart, she said, “I…” letting that long word (in Japanese) hang in the air.

I was conscious that we were at her school and certain “rumours” would be bad for her, so I only gave her hand a pat to encourage her.

Whether that or she’d had enough time to organise her thoughts, she finally carried on. “I’ve gone too far as her teacher. I knew from the start, but I had so many excuses and that Mi-chan and Hima-chan needed me made them very convincing excuses. However, now, they don’t need me. So please, look after them well.”

To say I was shocked massively undersold the turmoil I felt. After all, I’d been Mi, knew how important Kiko was to Mi, never mind how obviously important she was to Himawari.

But that was only one side. They weren’t Kiko’s responsibility and so this was the right thing for her to do now she felt comfortable leaving them with me. Honestly, that aspect was really touching. She trusted me with these children she cared for.

But that was only one side.

She cared for them.

“Is that really what you want to do?” I asked.

Composure already slipping, her voice came out strained. “It’s what I should do. I’m only Mi-chan’s teacher,” she whispered.

“What do you want to do, not as her teacher, but as you?” I asked, trying to be gentle.

She let out a laugh that lacked any kind of humour. “What do you want me to say? Of course I don’t want to let them go, but it’s better now than before they get any more attached to me.”

Unsaid: before she got more attached to them.

I thought carefully over what to say next, not an easy topic, especially because of my time as Mi. I wanted her to stay, Mi wanted her to stay. However, selfishness wasn’t love and what we wanted wasn’t always what was best or even what we needed.

“What if you weren’t her teacher?” I asked.

She gave another empty laugh. “What does that matter? She’s still a student at this school,” she said.

“I’m not saying she changes class, I’m asking: what if you were something else to her? Maybe not her mother, but onee-san.” It was a little nuanced, the meaning more like aunty than big sister in this case. But, honestly, with how they all got on, big sister worked too. And I just knew Mi and Himawari would have loved nothing more than to call her Kiko-nee-san.

Maybe because it was what I wanted so desperately, I could see the family that was just waiting to become real.

But the choice wasn’t mine to make.

“You really are who they need in their lives right now, someone who knows what it means to be a family,” she softly said.

“If you’re saying I had a happy childhood, you’re wrong. I wouldn’t fly across the world to be here for Mi-chan if I didn’t know how cruel life can be,” I said, pausing there for a breath.

It wasn’t that I was upset, but my tone definitely grew colder when remembering my “family” at all.

“I want to give her safety and peace of mind and love to help her grow into the wonderful woman I know she will be, and now I’ve met Himawari, I want to give that to her too. That is what family means to me, at least now.”

She didn’t answer right away, a lot to sort through. When she did, though, she asked a surprising question. “Where would that leave us?”

The unspoken rule broken, I asked her: “Do you like me?” That special kind of like tinged with romantic interest.

“I like how patient and caring you are with the girls,” she said, a welcome touch of humour to her voice.

“And as a woman?” I asked.

She lowered her head, showing a slight blush, but not as much of one as I’d hoped. My own cheeks certainly prickled, so hot. “A relief,” she whispered. “Honestly, part of me was worried I had the wrong ‘like’ for Mi-chan, but I feel a different kind of ‘like’ for you.”

I hadn’t expected that first half, but could—couldn’t—imagine how horrible it must have been for her to worry she was falling in love with her student who happened to be her old crush’s daughter.

Anyway, it wasn’t the most romantic proposal, but that was okay. Coming from her, it still sounded so sweet. A special kind of ‘like’ just for me.

“I think… things aren’t so complicated,” I said, slow and gentle. “Whatever you decide about the girls, I understand, but they have more than enough room in their hearts for you too. And you know my intentions with them, so, as long as you are okay with me, I’m happy to be yours.”

She gently nodded and then fell into silence, and that was okay. This wasn’t easy. Even if she didn’t have an answer after a week, I wouldn’t have been surprised.

Whatever her answer, whatever it meant for us, our foundation would be set, the path forward that much sturdier knowing we would be together—or apart.

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