Chapter 19: Ch. 19 One Woman’s Heaven

Life was different after the honest talk with Kiko. The next day, she let me know she wouldn’t be visiting Mi for a while. So, after work on Tuesday, I took the train an extra stop and walked to Mi’s house, buying food on the way.

To my surprise, Sakura joined us for dinner. I didn’t bring it up. That extra bit of liveliness helped distract me from the loneliness I felt without Kiko there, which wasn’t helped when Himawari finally realised and asked, “Where’s Kiko-sensei?”

“It’s a lot of work being a teacher, so she sometimes needs time to herself,” I said, not feeling great about lying, but unsure how to put it in an appropriate way.

“Oh,” Himawari said, smile not so bright.

Once Kiko made a decision, that would be the time to talk it all through.

Anyway, having Sakura over was certainly fun. She said things to Himawari like, “Mi-chan told me your karaage is so tasty, so I want to try some,” which put Himawari in the position of begrudgingly agreeing, pride overcoming her pettiness.

“Well, I guess that’s fine.”

That ended with Sakura helping Himawari to cook. Seeing them side-by-side, it reminded me how they looked more like sisters than Mi and Himawari. Acted more like sisters.

An illusion, I knew, so desperate for family that I saw it everywhere.

Through all this, Mi was smiling, getting involved now and then to keep Himawari from being too bratty. If she missed Kiko too, I didn’t know. Maybe having Sakura around distracted her. Maybe, with me around, she didn’t feel as attached to Kiko.

That was all a lie. I knew her, knew she wouldn’t have told Kiko she loved her if she hadn’t meant it, knew she meant it.

But she hid the pain like she always did.

Long after dinner, Sakura went home, leaving me alone in the lounge while Mi put Himawari to bed. Such a quiet house. Himawari a good girl for her sister, it wasn’t long before Mi came back to see me.

As composed as she’d looked all afternoon, I saw the cracks, saw her crumble.

“Did something happen with Toyama-sensei?” she asked in such a quiet voice.

I softly smiled. Before I could say anything, she lurched forwards for a hug, holding me tight—like she was afraid I’d leave too. For a while, I just held her and rubbed her back. She didn’t cry, but I felt her pain clearly enough, echoing in the part of me that remembered being her, that remembered being me.

Mi wasn’t Himawari.

“She hasn’t decided anything yet, but I’ll be here for you and Hime whatever she decides,” I said.

She squeezed me tighter, letting out a shuddery breath. “Okay.”

“I know it’s hard, I know it’s scary. It feels like you have no control over what’s happening. But the truth is that you’ve told Toyama-sensei you want her in your life, so now you’re waiting for her answer. The right thing is for her to be here because she wants to be, not because she feels like you have no one else.”

For a while, she didn’t say anything, then slowly relaxed until she broke away. “Yeah….”

Looking at her, I couldn’t help but smile. Her hair messy, I brushed it, then left my hand to linger on top of her head. “You’re a good girl and I’m so glad to be a part of your life. No matter how hard things might get, I’m going to be here for you. School, your parents—it doesn’t matter.”

She tried to look me in the eye, but quickly glanced away, taking a few goes before she could finally return my gaze. I didn’t look away. I kept smiling my gentle smile, trying to convey to her just how sincere I was.

“I don’t expect you to call me ‘mum’, but I want to be your parent—if you’ll let me. And when Hime knows me better, I’d like to be her parent too. Someone to love you both unconditionally, to support you and cherish you and help you grow up into the amazing people I know you will be,” I said.

Her gaze didn’t last long, looking away and blinking back the tears. “You don’t have to….”

“I want to,” I said, holding her hands and squeezing them. “Not because I’m lonely or anything like that, but because I love you both so much. Being here for you makes me happier than anything else ever has. And I’m committed to staying even if those feelings change, because you don’t get to change your mind about being a parent once you’ve made that choice. Your father and step-mother have failed you. I can’t promise I’ll be perfect, but I can promise I’ll be here for you. Not just for Hime, but you too.”

Of course, I was crying by the end, tears trailing down my cheek. But I didn’t look away. She knew me, knew me better than anyone else ever could. These tears were my sincerity.

My tears were soon joined by hers.

Unsurprisingly, it took us a while to calm down. After we did, she just hugged me, making up for the years she had no parent to hold her. Eventually, she asked, “Can you stay tonight? I’ll even sleep on the couch and you can have my bed.”

I softly smiled, but shook my head. “How about I see with Sakura’s mum about a sleepover on Saturday?” It wasn’t like I thought Sakura was a spy for her mother, but I felt like gradually forming a better impression was the way to go and Sakura trickling back information would help.

“Really?” she asked, perking up.

It would have been easy to think she was happy about her girlfriend sleeping over, but I knew. Sakura hadn’t even come over to visit until Mi’s parents had left. Mi was a teen, going through her first relationship, and she was a child, desperate for all the things she’d missed out on, and she was an adult, responsible for a little girl without a say in the matter. Just being one of those was enough to keep a person busy.

“Really,” I whispered, patting her head.

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The conversation with Takahashi went surprisingly well; she even put me in touch with Natalie’s guardian—an aunt. That conversation was more tricky, but Natalie was pretty independent and her aunt wasn’t too interested in who I was, happy enough that Takahashi was next door.

Oh Mi was ecstatic about it, hopefully enough to keep her mind off Kiko for the week. Not mine, though, every night staying up that little later to see if she’d at least send me: “Oyasumi.”

But she didn’t, so I respected her space and didn’t send one either. Just whispered it.

“Oyasumi.”

No work on Saturday, I spent the morning preparing for the sleepover. Snacks, spare futons and blankets, “bought” some English movies I thought they’d like—as if you could own anything in this day and age.

Of course, that preparation included food. I’d only learned simple and easy recipes while working on my kitchen skills, but, just for today, I had practised something new and fun: takoyaki, or octopus balls! I wasn’t sure how everyone felt about octopus for the filling—it was a bit weird the first time for me, but I quickly took a liking to it—so I practised with some other fillings too, including a sweet one for dessert that was like making pancake balls.

Quite a lot to carry, but the bus wasn’t busy. Himawari and Natalie had club, so it was after the school rush when I left, Mi letting me know when they were on their way home.

The whole way there, I felt so happy. I had purpose. My time, my effort, could finally give me value. Not in a toxic way. I’d been selfless before, giving away myself. No. I was building something, ending up with more than I’d started with. I didn’t end the days feeling drained, but feeling satisfied, full of precious moments of joy.

I hoped they did too.

Well, my deep thoughts stopped once I arrived, ready to focus on the girls. Greeted them all, asked about their days, then tried to give them space, staying in the kitchen while they were in the lounge.

The key word there was “tried”, Himawari eager to tell me even more about what she’d done at her baking club.

“We made cupcakes today and they turned out so yummy,” she said, wonderful hearing her voice so vibrant again.

“Really? That’s great. Did you share yours with Mi-chan?” I asked.

She unexpectedly turned shy, looking down, hands fidgeting. “Actually, I made four, but now there’s only one and I don’t want Nat-onee-san to feel left out, so you can’t tell her,” she said.

The numbers added up in my head—and in my heart. “Oh, you’re so sweet. Are you sure you want me to have it? We can always make some together another day and Nat-chan can have this one.”

She shook her head. “They might not be as tasty,” she mumbled.

I softly smiled and almost reached out to pat her. Seeing my hand, though, she shuffled into it, making me think of a needy cat. So I patted her head, just a little. “I would love it, thank you, and we can still make cupcakes another day if you want to give one to Nat-chan,” I said.

She quickly nodded, looking up at me with a broad smile. When I thought it couldn’t get any better, she darted in for a hug, then scurried over to her bag and took out the cupcake, leaving it on the table for me as she fled back to the lounge.

I stared after her for a moment, then at the cupcake for a long moment before finally opening the container and eating it.

It really was so yummy.

The afternoon continued happily enough from there. They loved making takoyaki, even tried the octopus, but Himawari fussed, so I made some shrimp ones for her; we made some cheese ones too and she really liked those. Of the other three, Sakura was fine with everything, Mi and Natalie a bit hesitant over octopus at first, but were happily eating them by the end.

Honestly, I didn’t think they’d have room for more after all they’d eaten. Of course, it didn’t do to underestimate children when it came to dessert, making two batches of the pancake balls to satiate them.

And of course, it wasn’t an hour later that they started on the snacks.

My role was subdued after dinner. I pretended to be on my phone in the kitchen, listening to them. Since Himawari was with them, they’d been watching the anime she now loved, amusing themselves in their own ways. Natalie was still happy to indulge her “little sister”, sitting with Himawari and reacting to the anime, chatting about the things that happened. Mi and Sakura sort of hid on the couch, keeping low, surely teasing each other with how they giggled, probably just holding hands. I didn’t have reason to suspect they weren’t taking things slow and innocent, albeit ready to be proven wrong at any moment.

A small happiness. So, so small. The two children I loved as my own with those that loved them in their own ways. My tiny heaven.

Himawari eventually went to bed, Mi taking her. They switched over to the English movies I’d bought at that point and they were well received. Well, I knew my audience.

If left to their own devices, I suspected they would have stayed up all night. Being a parent wasn’t only about spoiling children. The movie finishing, already talk about what to watch next, I said, “I’m going to bed now, but Mi-chan has something to do in the morning, so don’t stay up too late.”

A loose chorus of, “Yes,” came back, sounding just like the teens they were. I smiled to myself, going to the bathroom.

When I finished getting ready for bed, I went to the master bedroom and found a futon already laid out for me. Smiling again, I turned around and softly said, “Mi?”

A second later, she shuffled around the corner. “G’night.”

“Goodnight, sweetie,” I said.

It really was a good night. The only thing that could have made it better was a message waiting for me on my phone, but there wasn’t one. I guessed even heaven wasn’t perfect.

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