Chapter 81: Chapter 81

"Do I make you unhappy?" Sun Fang asked, after a good five minutes of silence had passed. He pressed a hand to his head, curled up on the armchair and lips downturned. He hadn't been able to look at Mo Cheng for three of those minutes, unable to stand the... something. He didn't really know what.

He'd really fucked up.

Mo Cheng coughed, Sun Fang quickly glancing at him out of the corner of his eyes. The beta wasn't looking at him either, was looking down at the floor. The hologram was unfortunately of a high enough quality that Sun Fang could see Mo Cheng's stiff expression. Finally, Mo Cheng said, "I think you do, a little. Not... all the time, there are plenty of times when we're together and I have fun and I'm happy, but then you..." Mo Cheng stopped talking, sighed, pushed his hands through his hair and bit down on his lip, worrying it. Eventually, he continued, Sun Fang uncomfortably stuck in his chair.

"I don't know what it is, but sometimes when we talk, like this, or just having a conversation where we're actually being honest and genuine, you say things that piss me off. And makes me unhappy. And I don't know how to do anything about it, because there's nothing specific, or..." Mo Cheng sighed again. "I just—I wonder sometimes if we actually fit together. If we're not just hurting each other by trying to hold on."

Sun Fang's hand pressed on his left eye, and he stared at the floor's green carpet, unblinking and silent, only his harsh breaths audible in the room. Then Mo Cheng added, voice more a murmur than anything, "If when we're not pretending to be happy and that's everything alright, perfect, we're not actually..."

Mo Cheng didn't finish the sentence, and Sun Fang couldn't tell how it was supposed to end. Friends? Having fun? Sun Fang abruptly rose from the chair, finally giving in to his need to pace, his hands floundering in the air before he realized he had pockets and shoved them in there, out of the way. His shoulders hunched as he paced quickly, his head ducked down. He stared at the floor as he walked around the room.

Mo Cheng was silent on the call but when Sun Fang periodically looked over, Mo Cheng was still there, still connected.

Sun Fang didn't know what else to ask.

He gulped, pressing a trembling hand to his chest. His feet slowing, he eventually stopped in the middle of the carpet, clearing his throat and brushing away the liquid at the corner of his eyes. He sniffled, dragging in his snot before it escaped his nose (gross) and turned back to face Mo Cheng again.

"I am not blind," Sun Fang said, forcing himself to stand still, even as his hands clenched tightly together behind his back. He forced himself to stand tall, and not bend this time. "I am aware that when we have conversations like this, real conversations about our actual feelings, I often say something that hurts you."

He licked his lips, gaze folding for a second to the coffee table, but he inhaled sharply and looked up again. Mo Cheng was still staring at him without a word, face still stiff and so expressionless it scared him. He'd never seen Mo Cheng like that. Sun Fang continued, "I don't want to make you unhappy. I don't want to hurt you. And if we can't be honest with each other, if we continually hurt each other—no." Sun Fang shook his head. "If I continually hurt you, even on accident, then... I don't know. I just don't know."

Mo Cheng's gaze finally folded at this, his lips turning down again. "What do you usually do when you make people unhappy?"

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"I—"

Mo Cheng cut in, "What do you usually do when other people make you unhappy?"

Sun Fang let out a small breath, inexplicably feeling like laughing. He shoved his hands through his hair, messing it up. Finally, honestly, he said, "If it's a repeating issue that they're incapable of acknowledging, of fixing, of taking even a percent of responsibility for... I cut them out of my life entirely."

Before Mo Cheng could even respond, Sun Fang laughed wetly and said, "Some people don't learn. Some people are incapable of seeing the damage they do. Sometimes the only answer is to walk away." He closed his eyes and added, breath whooshing out of his lungs painfully, "Sometimes giving up is the right choice for you."

"Then..." Mo Cheng asked, pausing before he added in a low voice that still cut right through everything, "Should we give up?"

"Do you want to?" Sun Fang turned his face away, once more brushing at his eyes with his fingertips. He grimaced, cursing the quick beating of his heart and the wetness that rattled his breaths, before he stiffly turned to face Mo Cheng.

Mo Cheng's eyes were reddened, Sun Fang suddenly noted. For the first time in their entire relationship, he saw Mo Cheng sniffle, saw his nose scrunch as he rubbed at his nostrils and then press a hand to his eyes. "No," Mo Cheng finally breathed. He shook his head, shoulders drooping as he said, "I don't want to give up. But I don't know what to do."

Sun Fang flopped down on the armchair, falling more than moving. He breathed, chest rattling, and said, "I don't know either. But... if you're willing to try, I am, too." Sun Fang's lips twitched, and sniffled again, rubbing his eyes. "I do like you, Mo Cheng. I think you're a good friend, and I don't want to lose you just because I'm stupid."

Mo Cheng nodded, pushing his bright blue hair out of his face. He bit his lip again and said, after a moment, "I'll call you, next time," looking uncertain but stronger than Sun Fang felt.

"Sure," Sun Fang breathed, and the call ended. Just like that. He pressed his hands over his eyes until he could see nothing.