Chapter 16: 16. Jeff’s Version

Eighteen months earlier she had snuck into my house late at night and kissed me. Everything after that and everything preceding that kiss was my storyline. Sitting opposite Pippa and drinking coffee, I began to tell her the narrative I had created with the purpose of giving everything away. Some she knew and some I expanded upon to fill in the gaps. It was a more complete version of events while restoring the first-person narrative and detailing it to a new Pippa Bailey as if she hadn’t known any of it.

I retold our first meeting and how I had loved a girl named Pippa since the first time I saw her. It was absurd to talk about Pippa as someone other than the person across from me. It felt like detaching her from my personal history but it was also exhilarating to try and paint a picture of someone who meant so much to me; someone who was the same and yet somewhat different from this running girl. I went through all the old details again like ‘Vertigo’ and Carlotta, the slap, the Harrier, Viva Las Vegas in the infield, other Elvis moments, and kisses at the Texaco. I included Steve Wilson, even though I cringed at the mention of that name, as well as the first separation, my misplaced anger with Bastien, the Ogre tale, and finally Roger’s death. I hesitated about including the last detail but it was a necessity to everything that came after.

“She came to me in person a couple nights later. It had been her voice I had heard two nights before. Those had been her footprints in the grass. She ran to me and put her arms around me. She was shivering. I hustled her inside into my room and wrapped a blanket around her. I could see the tracks of many tears on her face she had tried to wipe away. She told me she was cold and asked me to hold her. She was quiet for a long while before she finally lifted her head and kissed me.”

“I knew it,” she had said.

“Knew what?” I asked. She was still huddled in the blanket and the feeling of her lips on mine lingered. I asked myself why she might be there. We hadn’t spoken in months and my last words had been hostile as I had tossed my jersey at her feet. What was behind her being there in my room less than a week after her brother’s fatal accident?

“Knew that I would feel something,” she replied. “It’s been a nightmare Pink. I’m not sure what I should be feeling. Roger’s gone and I’ve shed all the tears I can. I didn’t know if I’d ever stop crying and when I did, I thought of you.”

My arms were still around her and she was resting her head against my chest as she spoke.

“All I could think was I had to see you,” she continued. “I hate being at home. Everything’s raw and my parents are talking again. It’s no good, Pink, I had to get away from all that. I know it’s wrong but I’ve never had to mourn anyone before. Tell me what to do Pink.”

“I don’t know,” I said. “This is all so strange to me as well. When I heard about Roger, my first thought was to be with you. I didn’t think you’d want that.”

She looked at me and I could see tears beginning to form again. I hugged her tighter and tried to think what to say or how I should feel. I was concerned and worried and aroused all at the same time. I had never held her that long and it had been quite a while since any physical touch had passed between us.

“Is it strange, Pink, we both thought of each other? I thought you hated me.”

“I thought you hated me,” I responded. “Don’t you recall, I was the ogre?”
She tried to stifle a small laugh but her body shook slightly and I knew it was there. Was it odd to laugh during a tender moment? No odder, I thought, than her being there in my room during her grieving period.

“I never hated you Pink. I’ve been angry and disappointed but you moved on. That’s all I ever wanted for you. Now, I’m not so sure.”

“What do you mean?”

“For all these months I wanted you back. I kept telling myself that you hurt me. I wanted to hurt you, too, and you know I said I would never do that again. I’m sorry I put you through all that.”

“It’s okay,” I said, rubbing her back with a free hand. “Self-professed Ogre here, remember?”

She was quiet again for a few minutes and I just held her. I was afraid to move. I didn’t want to break the moment.

“Tell me what to do Pink. I’m lost and broken. I know I shouldn’t be here but when things were good with us, I always felt right. I felt whole. I want to feel that way again.”

“You’ll get there,” I said. “Right now, I think you need some sleep. You can take the bed in my old room. We’ll figure out what to do after my parents have left for work in the morning. We’ll have to keep quiet until then.”

“Will you lay with me Pink? I’m afraid to be alone.”

“I don’t think I should. It wouldn’t be right.” Who was I kidding? I knew it was wrong but my arousal was surging just holding her.

“Please, Pink, just until I fall asleep.”

“Okay,” I said. She wasn’t twisting my arm.

I took her to the bed in my old room and covered her up. I lay on top of the blankets with my arm across her. If she knew what kind of torture this was causing me, she didn’t say.

“Once you’re asleep I’ll go back to my room but I’ll leave the door open in case you need anything.”

I don’t know how long I lay there feeling her body moving up and down in time with her breathing. Eventually, the rhythm slowed and I slipped out from her side and went to my own room. I would have thought sleep would have evaded me but I hadn’t slept well in days and with a new feeling of serenity I found myself drifting off sooner than I expected.

Sometime in the middle of the night, I awoke with the sensation of someone else in my bed. I was half awake but when I felt her hands exploring me, I knew it was no fantasy. I didn’t speak. I just turned to face her and saw the same contentment in her expression as I had been feeling.

She had already removed her clothes before entering my bed and she worked fast to help remove mine. No words were spoken. The passionate kissing and fondling were language enough. It was tender and quiet and awkward. She’d stop for long moments and then cup my face and kiss me. We giggled and moaned and we shed tears. I knew it had been wrong but it was what she wanted and I knew secretly it was what I had longed for.

We fell asleep in each other’s arms and I dreamed of her. I never knew anything could be so wonderful. I had never expected to be with her again yet there she was offering me a physical extension of her love. I didn’t question it.

In the morning I woke to someone calling my name. I realized it was my mother. I had slept in and she was shouting down the stairs to warn me I would be late for school.

Pippa stirred and sat up.

“It’s my mother,” I whispered, “she’ll come down here if I don’t go up for breakfast.”

“Can’t you stay home?” she asked.

“My dad’s probably already left. My mother usually leaves after I leave. We can’t risk it. Stay here and be quiet. I have a double lunch period today. I’ll come home before noon. Help yourself to anything you want after my mother leaves.”

Pippa grabbed me and pulled me down to kiss her. We were both still naked and it was difficult to pull away from her.

“I’ve got to go!” I said into her ear.

“You’ve got to stay!” she said back into one of mine.

“We’ll be found out. Go back to sleep and I’ll be back at noon.”

She released me and showed me a little frown. I threw on my pyjamas and grabbed some fresh clothes and went upstairs and had a cold shower. I needed it. I ate some breakfast quickly and dashed off to school. I knew it would be tough to be away from her for even a few hours.

I couldn’t focus in class and I was sure the act of our lovemaking could be read in my face. If it hadn’t been for my shower, the scent of her on me would have been a true giveaway.

My lunch period came and I was anxious to return home. On my way out of school, I encountered Ben and Sandra. They were among the last people I wanted to see at that moment.

“Hey Jeff, have you seen Pippa at all today?”

“She wasn’t in either of our shared classes this morning,” I replied. At least that was truthful.

“Well, she left home last night and no one has seen her,” Sandra chimed in. “My aunt phoned our house first thing in a panic.”

“Have you checked with Bastien?” I asked. I tried to imply some sarcasm so they would think I was still mad at him.

“The guy’s beside himself with worry,” Ben said. “I don’t think he’s ever gotten over her.”

I knew that feeling but at that moment I could have cared less about Bastien. All I knew was I had to get back to Pippa. She had come back to me and I wanted to make the most of this new time we had together.

“I’m heading home for lunch. If she’s back in school this afternoon, I’ll let you know.” I didn’t want to lie to either of them so I made safe statements on which I wouldn’t have to follow through. I knew that Pippa would not be back at school that afternoon.

I ran home in record time. I tried to enter the house casually so any eyes of prying neighbours would not suspect I had hurried home to a girl who shouldn’t be there. All of the questions I had about why she was in my house had disappeared with a focus on just finding her there again.

She was still there. I found her in my room dressed in a robe. Her hair was damp and the skin of her face, neck, arms, and legs glistened from a recent shower. She was sitting on my bed listening to the Elvis record I had wanted to give her for her Birthday.

She looked up as I came in.

“Oh hi, Pink. Is this the gift you had sent to me last year?”

“Yes, it has some Sinatra and Elvis on the second side. I recalled you telling me about the television special and how you always wanted to hear them singing together.”

“You remembered that? I had no idea what it was when Ben handed it to me at the drive-in. I was too mad to even wonder. I’m sorry now I didn’t open it.”

“No, Pippa. You have nothing to be sorry about. Everything was my fault.”

“I think we’re a little past apologies after last night,” she said.

Pippa stood and came to me and put her arms around my neck and kissed me. She released me and pulled me toward the bed while loosening herself from her robe.

We made love again and it was a little less awkward and neither of us cried. I couldn’t believe it had happened a second time. Hell, I couldn’t even believe it had happened the first time.

Our passion emptied my head with no other thoughts than of being with her in that way. I didn’t ask why and in some sense I didn’t care. We were together again in a more intimate relationship and I wanted to think of nothing else.

We lay together quietly for a while afterwards when I realized I would soon have to head back for my last class of the day.

“We need to figure out what to do with you,” I said, brushing her hair from her face.

“I’m content to just stay here forever. I just want to be with you. I don’t care about anything else.”

“Ben and Sandra confronted me on my way out at lunch. You’re mother’s worried about you.”

“What did you tell them?” she asked.

“What could I tell them? They asked if I had seen you and I said you weren’t in any of your classes this morning. I don’t think they were suspicious but you really should think about going home.”

“Can’t I stay here a little while longer?” she asked.

“How long were you thinking? You have to go home sometime. You should also think about returning to school as well. You’ve been off for a few days.”

“I’m grieving,” she replied. I thought it was a funny way of grieving.

“My parents will be home this evening and I don’t know what they’d say if they found you here.”

“I can’t go home Pink. I don’t know what I’d say to my mother. Anything I say these days sets her off. She cries at the littlest of things.”

“Come on, Pippa, she’s just lost her son. She’s going to need you.”

“I’ve just lost my brother!” she snapped. “I need you.”

I looked at her and grabbed her hand and gave it a squeeze. How was I going to help her? Making love to this beautiful young woman couldn’t possibly be aiding her in dealing with her loss. As much as I was enjoying it, I knew I was only giving in to her and helping her to avoid dealing with Roger’s death.

“You have me,” I said back to her. “We may have lost each other until you came to my house. We got it all back last night.”

“Pink, say you’ll love me forever. I could face just about anything if you’d say it.”

“I’ll love you forever.” Her hair had fallen back across her face and I swept it back up again and kissed her. “I have to go. Stay if you want to. I’ll figure something out. Tomorrow’s Saturday and maybe we can take the weekend and help you decide what to do. I’ll write out my number so you have it. If you do decide to go home, call me later.” It was odd that in all the time we knew each other, we’d never communicated by phone. Everything had been in person.

I got dressed and left her a note with my number. If she was still there after school, there’d be a lot of explaining to my parents. They had already been through enough with Rod and Rhonda. I wasn’t sure how they’d react to finding their youngest son’s ex-girlfriend living in their basement or on learning Pippa and I were sexually involved. I wasn’t keen on any of those lectures.

The remainder of school that day was even less distracting than the morning had been. I wanted to see Pippa again but having her still in my house would create even more problems. I’d gladly deal with those just to have our bodies pressed together once more.

I didn’t see Ben or Sandra again before the end of the day. I hurried home to face the consequences but Pippa was gone when I got there. She called me later to say she had returned to the avocado house. I didn’t ask for details and our call was very brief.

“I can’t talk right now,” she whispered. “Can you come by later, around midnight?”

Another late-night rendezvous in her carport? It didn’t sound very romantic and recalling my last visit there, I was filled with sad memories of our last estrangement. Still, I thought, anything was better than not being with her.

What would be the duration of this new reunion? She had told me that for all these months she had wanted me back. Was this real? Was she being truthful? I wasn’t even sure she was thinking straight. Maybe it was just a temporary diversion from death and remorse. Could it even last?

I was at her house on time. It felt good to run down her street again. I had wanted to do that for a long time but I had convinced myself it was wrong. I had thought she was with Bastien and I was out of the picture for good. What had happened with Bastien? She hadn’t mentioned him at all. It wasn’t until hearing of Roger’s death from Ben that I was informed Pippa and Bastien were no longer together. I couldn’t bring myself to ask any of the questions that needed asking. I just wanted the moment. I didn’t want to ruin everything by trying to reconcile the past with the present.

I didn’t see Pippa anywhere in the garage. I thought about going around to her window when I eventually heard her whispering in the dark.

“In here, Pink.”

It took me a moment to realize she was in the back seat of her mother’s car. She opened a door and beckoned me inside.

“I didn’t want to take a chance on you coming around back. My mother might hear.”

“What happened?” I asked. “What did you tell your mother when you got home?”

“I just told her I’d been walking around all night and most of the day. You should have heard her. I got all the bulletin points about what could happen to a young lady alone in the dark and how dare I worry her after all she’s been through.”

“Did she suspect anything? Maybe I shouldn’t be here.”

“No, I think she believed me. Do you know she even called my father to see if I’d gone there? As if I’d ever do that.”

“How is your mother doing?” I thought I should at least show some concern.

“It’s been hard on her Pink. She even wanted to start boxing up Roger’s stuff today. It’s not that he ever had much here but I can’t believe she’s ready to move on that quickly. I went into his room with her and looked around but she didn’t have the heart to follow through. She was crying too much. It was a good thing I was there because I found these.”

Pippa held up a box of condoms. It was a SHIELDS brand dozen pack. I knew what they were but I’d never seen them before.

“Whoa, your brother had those in his room? Where do you think they came from?”

“Probably my father bought them for him but I don’t know. Maybe Roger bought them himself. If my mother had found them she’d have had a conniption.”

“Did he have a girlfriend?” I still knew little about her brother even after his death.

“I don’t think so but that damn motorcycle was like a magnet to them. He told me once he’d taken other girls for a ride when he wasn’t taking me…” Pippa’s voice trailed off. The memory was still too fresh.

I hugged her and we remained quiet for a while.

“I think you better take these Pink,” she eventually said, handing me the box.

“What am I going to do with them?” It was out of my mouth before I even thought about it. Pippa immediately gave me the suggestive look for the idea I should have had.

Without any more words, we both undressed and made love in the back of her mother’s car. It was even more awkward than our first time. There wasn’t much room and we had to keep adjusting ourselves. We struggled and giggled over the condom. We had to be even quieter than we had been at my house. We eventually figured it out. Afterwards, I looked at the pack and wondered how long they would last at the rate we were going.

“Tell me this isn’t wrong, Pink.”

We lay together as best we could. One of my legs was balanced off the seat and my foot was braced against the front passenger seat so I wouldn’t fall backwards. Her question threw me off guard. Was it wrong? I didn’t know what was wrong. I hadn’t been the initiator of this new activity but certainly hadn’t balked against it. I just wanted to be with her and the sex seemed like a great perk to having her back in my life.

“I love you,” I replied. “I know that’s not wrong. You also said you feel right with me. That’s something.”

“I love you, too, Pink. It does feel right doesn’t it?” It wasn’t a question. It sounded more like a confirmation.

What else could I say? I couldn’t tell her she was misguided in loving me or making love to me. I was sure I was being as logical as I could but I was basing everything on what I felt when I was with her and not what I knew. I still had oh so many questions but none of them came to mind when I was with her.

“It is right but where do we go from here?” That was the only question I could gather in my thoughts.

“The front seat?” she asked. “Do you want to try it there? I’m game if you are.”

“That’s not what I meant. We’ve still got lives to lead outside your carport. What do we do next?”

She gave me that look once more and lying naked with her, I was ready again so we christened the front passenger seat. We avoided the driver’s side because I wasn’t keen on either of us having a steering wheel imprint in our backsides or the horn going off and waking her mother.

“Marry me, Pink,” she said when we were done.

I didn’t think she was serious. Part of me thought she was joking and the other part of me was worried that the carton of condoms wouldn’t last forever. I was trying to imagine having to buy the next pack myself. That was an embarrassment I thought all teenage boys would want to avoid.

“Did you hear me Pink?” She gave me a little nudge as if she thought I was asleep. I had been sitting there with her balanced in my lap with my eyes closed but I hadn’t dozed off. I was just content.

“I heard you. You asked me to marry you. Don’t you think I should be the one to be asking?”

“So ask already,” she said and then shook me.

“You must be kidding, Pippa. We can’t get married. We’re too young.”

“Why not? My parents weren’t much older when they got married.”
I wanted to say “and look how that turned out” but I caught myself before making that mistake. I decided instead to reflect back her proposal as her attempt at humour.

“Are you worried about me making an honest woman out of you?” Guys don’t always think with their brains. I wasn’t.

“Thanks a lot,” she said flipping herself off of me and into the other seat. “I was being serious.”

I turned to face her and grabbed at her hand. She pulled it away.

“Okay, this is me being serious. Tell me why you want to get married?”
Pippa had been staring straight ahead but she turned to me and there were tears in her eyes.

“You’re correct,” she said softly, “I did say I feel right with you. I want to keep on feeling right. Is that so bad? If you and I were married we could ignore everyone and everything. That’s all I want.”

When she put it that way, it didn’t seem so half-baked.

“I love you, Pippa, I’ll do anything you want.”

“But you have to want it too, Pink. It can’t just be me.”

“I want you, Pippa. That’s all I ever wanted. If you think us getting married is the solution to our happiness then I’ll find a way to make that dream come true. I’ll follow that dream wherever that dream leads.”

“I’ve got to follow that dream to find the love I need,” she said in response. Thank you, Elvis.

We agreed to think on the marriage option. We tidied up the car as best we could and tucked the used condoms down inside the garbage pail at the back of the garage. I had to open the bag and move some trash around to get to the bottom. I didn’t want them to be found.

I walked home with the moon hovering over me as if it were some grand inquisitor. I knew what it would ask me if it could. The main line of inquiry would be on what I thought I was doing. I had no immediate answers for that.

Just like Pippa, I knew it felt right when I was with her but there’d be something akin to regret or shame afterwards. Maybe those words weren’t correct but it was a nagging feeling I was taking advantage of Pippa’s vulnerability. I didn’t understand any of it but she’d give me that look and I knew what it meant to her. I’d seen it before in the infield at Collegiate after she kissed me. It was the ‘Screw my mother and screw them all’ look. I understood just how ironic those words were given our newfound physical relationship.

The next day she called me.

“Can I come over?” she asked.

My mother hadn’t questioned me the first time Pippa had called me the day before but there was an expression on her face the second time she had to announce a girl was calling for me. What else did my mother suspect? Had Pippa left any evidence of her overnight stay? I had to be careful. When I snuck back in the previous night, I carefully hid the box of condoms in the toe of one of my sneakers. I was sure they wouldn’t be discovered there.

“I’ll have to check into that,” I replied. I wasn’t sure how to send her a signal about my mother’s curiosity.

“Was that your mother who answered? Is she home today?”

“Well yes, it is Saturday and there’s that. Could I drop the material off at your house?” Maybe my mother’s suspicions would be thrown off if I made out the conversation was school related.

“Oh, I get it,” Pippa said, catching on. “My mother’s going out later. Can you come here? I’ll call you when she’s leaving.”

“Just the English notes? Sure, I can do that. I hope you can read my handwriting. Why don’t you call me later and let me know a good time to drop them off.” I hung up the phone. I hadn’t taken any acting classes so I wasn’t sure if I’d sounded convincing to my mother.

“That was a girl from school. She lost her brother last week so she’s been out of school and now she’s trying to get notes so she can catch up.” That sounded plausible with some basis in truth.

“My goodness,” my mother said, “is that the one I read about in the paper? I thought the boy went to a different school?” Was she trying to unravel my story?

“He did. His sister goes to our school. Her cousin’s going out with Ben from the Texaco. Ben gave her my number because she and I share some classes together.”

“The poor dear, you call her right back and have her come over here. I’ll fix you both some lunch. She probably needs a break from her own home. Do you want me to go pick her up?”

My mother had gone in the thoroughly opposite direction. Her concern for someone else’s troubles had completely assuaged her motherly concern for her own child. I decided I’d take that over further grilling regarding the girl on the other end of the telephone.

“I don’t know about that, mom. I hardly know her. She’s just a girl in my class.” It was surprising how it didn’t seem to bother me much I was lying to my mother.

“Nonsense, she’s going through something horrible. She needs a friend right now. It also wouldn’t hurt you to meet a nice girl. Look what it’s done for your brother.”

I didn’t think my mother had been all that approving of Rod and Rhonda’s relationship. Had Rod really changed? Mothers didn’t always see their sons the way their brothers saw them. Sons also didn’t see things the way mothers saw them. Her preoccupation over Pippa and I was a little unnerving. If I didn’t do exactly as my mother asked then her suspicions would go from uncertainty to surety in nothing flat.

“Alright mother, whatever you say, “I acquiesced. “She’s going to call me later. I’ll walk the homework over to her and then I’ll invite her back. I’m making no promises.”

“You just let me know either way. Your father and I will go out for a couple of hours so you can have some quiet time. She doesn’t need more prying eyes. She’s probably had enough of that.”

I kept it that way with my mother. Later, when I came back with Pippa, my parents were as good as their word and left us alone.

We made love again in my room when my parents went out. We were quick because I wasn’t sure if my mother’s sense of timing would be true to form or if she’d start to question herself and end up returning early. We dressed afterwards and then went upstairs to talk in the living room in case my parents came home sooner than expected.

You are reading story Pippa’s Passing at novel35.com

“I’ve been thinking about the marriage thing, Pink,” Pippa said over her Pepsi.

“I have too.” The truth was I was frightened of the idea. How could I tell her that? We weren’t ready. I wasn’t ready. How could we live? Where would we live?

“I still want to marry you, Pink, but I can’t see how we can. My mother would never let me. It’s too soon. She can’t lose a daughter so quickly after losing her son.”

“I’ve thought about that, too,” I replied. “We don’t want to be selfish.”

“It’s not selfish. You and I deserve to be happy. We deserve to be together. It’s just everything else is getting in the way.”

“Yes, and we’re back to keeping everything a secret.” I didn’t want to grumble but my on-again, off-again, on-again relationship with Pippa always seemed to be clandestine affairs. I wasn’t sure if we’d ever get past that.

“I know Pink, I know. It’s just as hard for me. I want to shout our relationship from the rooftops but it’s not the right time.”

“Then I think getting married is out of the question for now. It’s not like we could keep that a secret.”

Pippa slid closer to me on the sofa. She grabbed my hands in hers and looked into my eyes.

“What if, Pink, what if?”

“What if what?” I had to ask. What was she thinking?

“What if we got married and we kept it a secret?”

My quizzical expression was all I could offer in the form of a reply. What she had just said made even less sense than her proposal of marriage. How could we possibly keep a wedding a secret?

“Listen Pink, I love you and you love me. The wedding is just cementing our future together. We get married and we don’t tell anyone.”

“But what about living together and all that?” Question number one. I had more.

“You and I will be off to school next year. That’s when we move in together. The marriage will bind us to one another until then.”

I didn’t know what to think. This was impractical on all kinds of levels. I wanted to marry her and be with her every day. Her suggestion was to postpone everything until a future date. How was I to respond to that?

“Isn’t it bad enough to have a secret relationship let alone a secret marriage?” I asked.

“Don’t give me your answer now Pink. Say you’ll think about it.” She obviously was sensing my hesitation.

“I’ll think about it.” I had been asking myself how I should respond to her proposition and she had given me the suggestion. It was stalling for time but it was all I could do. I would think about it.

After Pippa left, it wasn’t long before my parents returned home.

“How did you make out?” my mother asked me. I almost thought she had asked me if we did make out. I wasn’t sure if she was deliberately trying to trip me up or not.

“Oh fine,” I answered. “I fell in love with her and now we’re planning to get married. We’ll probably keep it a secret though so don’t plan on an invite.”

“You’re a riot, you know that Jeff? You don’t have to share with me if you don’t want.” What was it with the women in my life giving me the answers that I wanted to give them?

“It was fine, mom. She’s still hurting. I’m not sure what to do to help her.” At least I wasn’t lying again to my mother.

“You listen. You be a friend. You do whatever you can and more importantly, you try and do what she asks of you.”

I guess I had my answer. I think I already knew that. I loved Pippa and I wanted to marry her. Did it really matter when we got married? If we got married and kept it secret then we’d still be married later on when it counted. I wasn’t concerned about someday having to break it to our families. This was for us. We’d have to let everything else wait.

On Monday Pippa was back in school. I put a note in her locker telling her my answer was yes. We met at lunchtime at my house and consummated the proposal. Four condoms down and only eight left.

“I want a June wedding,” she said to me as we walked back to school.

“Why June?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Isn’t every girl supposed to want a June wedding?”

“You’re not like every girl,” I replied.

“Well, then we can have a prolonged honeymoon over the summer.”

“A secret honeymoon, you mean,” I pointed out.

“I think we’ve already started our honeymoon, Pink. Everything’s a little backwards but I don’t mind.”

I didn’t either.

I slipped in the back way to school and let her enter the front. We kept our new relationship very low-key. We didn’t tell anyone. Ben and Sandra were excluded and at school, Pippa and I did what we could to avoid suspicion. Notes were inserted in each other’s lockers if we needed to communicate or to suggest a rendezvous time and location.

We met one day in a corner booth at the burger restaurant where she had worked summers. She hadn’t worked there since the previous year. We knew there would be no prying eyes on us.

“If we’re really going to do this,” Pippa began, “we need to have a very low-key wedding. I’ve done a little research and we can go to the Justice of the Peace at the municipal court. All we need to do is get a marriage license and we’re both eighteen so that won’t be a problem. Oh, and we’ll need two witnesses for the ceremony.”

“Well that botches it,” I said. “If we’re keeping this a true secret then there’s no one we can ask.”

“There must be somebody, Pink. Don’t you know anyone?” I was wondering why this was being left up to me.

“I might know a guy,” I said after giving it a few minutes thought. It was a mistrustful statement to make. Didn’t all underhanded or underworld statements start with ‘I know a guy’?

“Great, Pink, who?”

“For that, I’ll have to visit a shit-hole.”

I knew my idea was just as irrational as the whole secret wedding notion. We were trying to avoid letting our families know and there I was suggesting my own brother. I didn’t know what made me think Rod would even be open to contributing to our deception but then he’d been a bit radical when he defied my parents and moved in with Rhonda. I explained to Pippa my idea but insisted I talk to him first.

“I’m going with you,” Pippa stated.

“Not on your life,” I insisted.

“This is my wedding too. We need two witnesses so maybe I can work on your brother’s girlfriend and she can work on him.”

It made sense. It was one of the few things that did. I didn’t really share her optimism, however, because I knew my brother and I was almost certain of his response.

“Are you two out of your ever-loving minds?” Rod exclaimed when we explained our situation. Yes, that was about the response I expected. It might have been toned down for the two ladies present.

“Wait a minute, honey,” Rhonda countered. “Both our parents probably thought the same about you and I when we said we wanted to move in together. Remember, it wasn’t so long ago you and I were just as determined to take this plunge.” I wasn’t sure if she meant cohabiting or moving into the shit-hole.

The apartment wasn’t as bad as I remembered. The new paint smell was gone and it was evident that the place had undergone a thorough cleaning. There were little homey touches as well I attributed to Rhonda. The outside of the building was a different story altogether.

“They’re just kids. How could they know what they want?” I had imagined Rod would be a tough sell and I was sorry Pippa was there to witness it.

“You’re only a year older than me, big brother. Who’s to say you’re the mature one?”

“Enough!” Rhonda was also going to be a force to reckon with. “Why don’t Pippa and I sit down and discuss this while you two take a walk? And leave your knives behind.”

I knew what she meant.

When we got outside, Rod started his questioning.

“Jeff, I’ve heard some dumb ideas but this takes the cake. I thought you weren’t even with this girl anymore. Wasn’t she dating some French guy?

“Not French, French Canadian. Besides, that’s all over. Say, how did you know about him and her?”

“I hear things. Now you’re with her again and you want to get married and keep it a secret? What’s that all about?”

I wanted to say it was none of his business but I needed an ally and telling him off wasn’t going to help the current situation. I decided it was time to bring him up to speed regarding Pippa.

Rod and I walked and talked for about twenty minutes. I told him some things but left out the sex details. I needed him in my corner supporting me on not cheering that accomplishment.

“Listen, kid,” Rod said after I’d laid it all out to him. “You’ve got it bad and that ain’t good. I told you once I had my future ahead of me and I wasn’t going to start it off saddled down with a girlfriend. Now, look at me. I guess I’m one to speak.”

“You seem happy.”

“I am,” he replied.

“So am I and I want to stay that way. Right now, I’ll do whatever it takes to make Pippa happy.” I told him what our mother had told me but didn’t give Rod any of the background of why Pippa had been at our house.

“Mom said that? Maybe she’s become a little more progressive since Rhonda and I moved in together. Do you think mom’s right?”

“I don’t know. I don’t even know how long this latest thing between Pippa and I is going to last but I’ll do anything necessary to keep it going.”

“I don’t know whether to give you my blessing or not. One thing’s for sure, if I back you up, you’re going to owe me big time.”

“Are you keeping score?” I asked.

“Not the little stuff but for something like this I might.”

“Let’s head back,” I said. “Do what you want. I’m going to marry that girl no matter what it takes.”

“I think I might know how you feel.” I believed I had a better understanding of my brother after our conversation. Rhonda’s influence had definitely mellowed him.

When Rod and I returned, Rhonda and Pippa had already worked things out.

“Rod, we’re doing this. Pippa and I had a good talk and I understand everything. You and I have to stand for them.”

“I understand, too,” he said. “No debate here. Just give us the date. We’ll be there.”

I was amazed at how well that had gone. It had started off with Rod’s objections but now both he and Rhonda had some newfound understanding of my circumstances with Pippa. Part of me wished they’d explain it all to me.

I was flying blind when it came to Pippa. Blind was a good word. I knew all the old adages. Love is blind. The blind leading the blind. That was how I felt and I worried Pippa was leading me over a cliff. I still had vivid memories of another time where I had followed her blindly only to have guns drawn at me outside a local bank. I had to tread carefully.

I had glimpsed the shining future before and been disappointed. Maybe that’s when it had started. I had glimpsed the future I wanted with Pippa and it had shone so brightly it blinded me to everything else. I had lost that future once and I was afraid of losing it again.

Fear seemed to be the only thing driving me. I had to get back on course to that future. With that in mind, inside a short period of time I had committed myself to a secret marriage, had finessed my brother to our side, and, in a roundabout way, had received guidance, if not actual permission, from my mother.

Pippa and I had leapt a major hurdle by gaining an alliance with my brother and his girlfriend. I almost wished they had said no. It wasn’t cold feet or second thoughts. It was having had no thoughts at all. My mother had advised me to listen, be a friend, and try and do what Pippa asked of me. I knew that wasn’t informed advice on my mother’s behalf but it was a solid recommendation. I just wished I could put my trust in it.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to marry Pippa but staying married until we could have a chance to be together full-time was a long way off. I was worried about what could happen in the meantime. I’d screwed up before and she had left me before. We didn’t have good track records. If things fell apart during a secret marriage it would cost a lot to get out of it. Legal issues aside, it might ruin us for relationships with others in the future. A relationship with anyone else was not anything I had given thought to. I had wanted Pippa for so long I couldn’t imagine any other alternative. It had taken a long time to get over her when she’d dumped me but now the price of keeping her might be beyond my means.

I had a lot of sleepless nights stressing over doing the right thing. I also had a number of sleepless nights when Pippa and I would sneak around to be with each other. I watched the count in the condom pack get lower and lower.

“You’re awfully quiet,” Pippa asked me one night after we had slept together again in my room. There’d been a back-and-forth between the avocado house and mine and it had been my turn to host.

“Oh, just thinking things over,” I replied. “There are lots of things to consider.”

“Like what?”

“The distant future, I guess. It’ll be a long time from our wedding to us living together. That’s just for starters.”

“What else?” She didn’t seem worried and I was trying hard not to give her any cause for concern.

“Oh, wondering about University and beyond.”

“I’ve been thinking about that too,” she said. “Have you thought out what you want to do?”

“I’ll tell you my dream if you tell me yours.” She was lying in the crook of my arm and we were both staring at the ceiling. Was it apropos that we weren’t looking at each other when we were discussing our futures?

“This. This right here is my dream,” she said. You and I together forever.”

“And outside of that?”

“Who cares! This is enough for me.”

“I’d like to write or teach or both.” I wanted to show her I could have practical visions when it came down to it.

“Oh, I can just see it. I’ll be a writer’s widow while you’re locked away writing your great novel.”

“The story of us. I thought you wanted me to write it one day?”

“Our story’s not done yet. This is just the prologue.” She turned and kissed me on the cheek.

I wanted to believe this was just the beginning of something greater but I couldn’t see past the moment. Lying with her only grounded me in the time we were together. It distracted from everything else.

“You must want something else Pippa; something other than me. There must be a dream you just keep for yourself?”

“I’ve thought about it. I’d look to go into business for myself. Maybe I could manage my own shop.”

“That sounds nice. What would that involve?”

“Maybe business school or business courses. We should look for a school that can offer us both what we need.”

It was a nice thought but again that was a ways out. I had to focus on the immediate and a wedding I wasn’t sure I wanted.

There wasn’t much we could plan for a civil wedding. There would be Pippa and I along with Rod and Rhonda. There would be no other guests and no kind of celebration. When you’re trying to keep it from everybody then there’s nothing to sweat over.

We both signed out of school early to go and get the marriage license. It was simpler than I thought. We both had to provide identification that proved we were of legal age and we paid a fee. I had thought there would be more to it. It didn’t feel any more complicated than getting a fishing license or registering a dog. It didn’t seem much to get excited over.

My anxiety regarding the actual wedding was slow to subside. Pippa’s excitement, to the contrary, only continued to increase. We had set our date for a Friday in the middle of June. Pippa and I would individually sign out of school early and Rod would find coverage for the afternoon at the Texaco. Rhonda had finished her first year of college and was also working part-time at the Texaco on weekends. With everything lining up it seemed like it was a sign that the marriage was meant to be. I just needed to get on board with it.

Pippa had insisted we write our own vows. It was the only personal touch she thought we could add to a municipal union. I had agreed wholeheartedly because I had a talent for words but my mind struggled how to say what was in my heart without betraying the doubt in my mind.

I tried not to interpret the vows as an assignment. It was more than school work and required effort. It couldn’t be left until the night before to conjure up something that would secure only a mediocre grade. This would be how I would convince myself.

I considered all of the things I loved about Pippa but, when it came down to it, my thoughts were of what I had thought I had lost when we weren’t together. This was the basis of my current fear. I was afraid of being alone once more without her. I didn’t know if I could do that again.

These vows had to include a statement about who this person was to me. What about this person was leading me to make this forever promise? I’d have to detail what the promise was I would be making. It had to include an expression of my feelings and thoughts. I would need to wrap my words with a look towards our uncertain future and offer something reassuring to her so she wouldn’t sense I had doubts. That was a tall order.

I started with what I knew to be true. I loved her. It was difficult to think beyond that. We’d had some history and some moments but how could I describe what was in that first kiss or in our lovemaking? There was passion but that was only a physical declaration and extension of how we felt. How could I describe the devastation I experienced when I thought I had lost all of that? Maybe, I thought, that was the place to start. I had to somehow assign words to what had come back to me when Pippa had returned. I knew that would be difficult because some of all of that was indescribable. It wouldn’t make sense to other people but then I realized it only had to make sense to the two of us.

I wrote what I knew. It had to be beyond feelings. I was making an assurance to someone based on never wanting to know another future that didn’t include her. Each word was hard fought because it had to be perfect. I wasn’t going to get a second chance at it.

“You are beyond words. What I feel is beyond description. The one real truth is I have loved you since the first time I saw you and that has never changed. That is the core of our story. I look at you and nothing else matters. We are right. Those three simple words have as much meaning to me as I Love You. And I do love you. I may be confused or anxious at times and question everything around me but I’m grounded in the moments I am with you. You look at me through eyes of total faith and a doubtless commitment to our uncertain futures. I believe anything is imaginable with you and I look forward to a marriage full of those possibilities. This moment, this minute, is a privilege, I promise to never forget for the rest of our days. All that is knowable are these vows and a trust that we never know moments without each other.”

I’d like to think all my worries immediately evaporated with the writing of those vows but it took some time. I had to read them over carefully and edit and fine-tune them. I had to practice them to myself and believe in every syllable. The end was the convincing measure. I didn’t want to know a moment apart from her. That was difficult with the realization our marriage would be in paper form only until we could really be together. I’d written of her ‘eyes of total faith’ when, in reality, we were making a leap of faith we’d still be a couple in a year.

I began to recite the vows a few times a day every day like a chant. I couldn’t share them with Pippa because she wanted them to be fresh on the day of our wedding. That I could do. Over and over again I rehearsed them and with repetition, I began to accept what I had written. Pippa had said she felt right with me. There was nothing more honest and abiding than feeling right with someone. I felt it too. Moments apart were spent thinking of the next moments together. Little by little I stopped worrying. It was back to ‘Dr. Strangelove’ again or what I had referred to as ‘A Strange Love or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Girl’.

With only a couple weeks left before our wedding day, I had managed enough enthusiasm to be palpable. I was ready. Pippa and I had curtailed our lovemaking as well in anticipation of the day. We’d find a way to consummate our marriage that evening and besides my SHIELDS stock had dwindled to one remaining. It had been a busy time for us since she had handed them over to me.

I could sense the pre-wedding jitters in Pippa. Her excitement didn’t seem to quite match mine but when I questioned her on it she told it me was just anticipation getting the better of her. She’d say reassuring things and kiss me when we had moments alone. There wasn’t anything more important to me than our happiness. I knew she felt that way, too. She had to. What was the alternative?

The week of our wedding arrived and everything was set. I had honed my vows and committed them to memory. Pippa and I were giving each other space. I’d see her in the halls and she was looking pale but she’d whisper “remember I love you” whenever she passed. She’d started a month before with countdown notes every day slipped in my locker. The beginning of the actual week they stopped. I left my own note for her asking about their absence. Her only reply was “we don’t need them.”

I didn’t sleep well the night before our wedding date. I don’t think it was concern or worry but I lay awake well into the night half expecting a visit from Pippa. I was up on time though and back into my regular pre-school routine so my mother would not be suspicious. The plan was to come home at lunch and connect with Rod and Rhonda and then go off to the courthouse to meet up with Pippa for our two o’clock nuptials.

I don’t know how I got through the morning. I tried to pay attention in class but it was difficult. Pippa was not at school but I expected as much. She was trying to keep her mother in the dark as well and a big secret keeping like our wedding required finesse planning. Her mother had gone back to work but she had moved over to a night shift recently because she found it easier to sleep during the day after working. I hoped that Pippa would have no problems getting away on time.

At noon I went home and changed into a suit. We may have been planning for a secret wedding but both Pippa and I believed it would be nice to be dressed somewhat formally for the first day of our married life. I couldn’t wait to see what Pippa would wear. She hadn’t discussed that detail with me. My stomach was in knots with expectation.

I insisted my brother and his girlfriend and I be early because I wanted to be sure everything would run smoothly. It was agonizing at the courthouse waiting for the appointed time and for Pippa to make her appearance. I kept checking the time on my watch and then asking Rod what time he had. It was getting closer and closer to the appointed hour and still no Pippa.

I began to despair. With only five minutes to go, I assigned myself to the fate that Pippa was not coming. I should have expected it. The signs had been there. She’d been moody mixed with bouts of quiet. This was typical Carlotta rising.

“Here she is!” Rhonda exclaimed.

I looked and it was true. She came up the steps of the courthouse resplendent in a beautiful daffodil yellow dress. Her hair was done up with a clip holding it in back. My heart had started when I realized she was there and stopped again when I beheld her beauty. If I’d had any doubts they’d flown. I ran to hold her and tell her how beautiful she was.

“Bailey and Carter?” someone called out behind me.

I turned and answered “here” and then turned back to Pippa. It was then that I saw the tears staining her exquisitely made-up face.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. I hoped they were tears of joy.

“Jeff, we have to go in now,” Rod urged.

“Give me a minute!” I shouted.

“Pippa, what’s wrong?” I asked again.

She grabbed my hands and tried to speak but words seemed to catch in her throat.

“Pink, I…”

“Bailey and Carter?” That person was calling us again.

“It’ll be okay,” I said to Pippa trying to be reassuring. “I know how you feel. I’m a jumbled mess on the inside. We can get through this.”

“Jeff, I can’t do this. I can’t marry you.”

Here was another slap. Pink was gone and she was standing there telling me she couldn’t marry me. What did she mean? This couldn’t be happening.

“Pippa, I don’t understand. Why can’t you marry me?”

“Jeff,” Rod called again. “It’s now or never!”

“It’s never,” Pippa called back. She let go of my hands and turned and ran down the stairs. I ran after her.

“Pippa! Pippa!” I called after her. I managed to catch her at the bottom of the stairs. “This can’t be happening,” I said to her. “Tell me this isn’t happening.”

“Let me go, Jeff. It’s no good. I’m no good.”

“I love you. We can figure this out. Just tell me why you don’t want to marry me.”

“Because I don’t love you,” she said in a voice breaking barely above a whisper.

“I don’t believe that,” I said. “You’ve told me over and over again you love me.”

“Then I love you too much. Either way, it’s no good.” She turned away and started to run. And in that moment I knew I could not run after her. I didn’t have it in me. She’d done it to me again. Carlotta had won out.
Suddenly Rod and Rhonda were there asking me what happened.

“Pippa’s passing and I have to let her go.” I stuck my hands dejectedly in my pocket and found the ring that was there. It was a simple gold band I had purchased myself. For a secret wedding, it felt like it was enough. I was to have handed it to Rod who’d have given it back to me at the appropriate time in the ceremony.

“Here you take it,” I said, offering him the ring. “Maybe you and Rhonda can use it. Consider my debt paid to you paid in full.”

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