Chapter 17: 17. Pippa’s Passage

“You know the rest,” I said to her.  The coffee shop was empty except for us.  “Do you want another one?”

“Maybe a small one.”

I bought her what she wanted and asked for water for myself.  I wasn’t being frugal but my mouth was parched from telling her my version of events.

“Are you ready for this?”  I asked.  I was anticipating a tale of missing truths and explanations.  I’d left nothing out of mine.  She and Bags were the only people I had told the unabridged account.

“Are you?” she asked.

Where had I heard this conversation before of me asking if she was ready and her asking me the same?  It took me a moment but I recalled it was exactly what we had spoken to each other just before the Harrier.  If I’d known then that I’d still be running the race of my lifetime just a few years later, would I have responded differently?  Maybe I should have told her back then that no, I wasn’t ready.  I was never ready when it came to Pippa.  I still wasn’t.

“I wouldn’t change most of what you retold,” she began, “but maybe there’s missing pieces I can offer that will fill in some of the gaps in your understanding.”  

I wasn’t sure what that meant.  I thought I understood pretty well.  She had left me twice; once at the altar and each time it had been harder and harder to rebound.  Her so-called ‘missing pieces’ had better be good.  I thought I had formed a pretty good picture of her.  I wondered if her sections would change my view.

“I had started at a new school,” she began.  “I had been a runner at my old school and there I was across town running away from something. There had been an incident with my father.  I don’t want to talk about that right now.  Maybe later on it will have significance but the gist is that my mother had left my father and she and my brother Roger and I had to live at my grandparents while I finished the year at my old school.  It was brutal.  There were stupid rumours flying around about Roger and I.  None of it was true but we both had to see a school counsellor.  I couldn’t wait until school ended.  All those faces of people I thought were my friends and the hushed whispers whenever I passed.

Eventually, my mother rented this avocado greenhouse.  It was small but beautiful in a way.  It was an oasis from everything else and somewhere I thought I could make a new start.  Roger was with us for a while but then he baled and went back to my father.  Maybe his counselling sessions revealed something to him that made him want to abandon me and return to a father who had been the source of the problem.  I hated Roger for a long time after that.

That fall I went to Central.  I was trying to find who I was.  Like I said, I’d been a runner at my previous school and oh, I was a huge Elvis fan.  I belonged to a mail fan club called the ‘Brides of Elvis.’  You know, I always thought I would marry Elvis but then he up and died that summer I was in transition; someone else who had abandoned me.

The only person I knew at my new school was my cousin Sandra.  We were close growing up because we were the same age.  She doted on me at school and encouraged me in everything.  I didn’t want to just fade into the background so I put myself forward at every chance.  I was building a new image and that’s what I wanted others to see.

I decided the quickest way to get everyone’s attention was to run for Student Body President that fall.  Sandra helped me garner the hundred signatures that I needed to enter the election.  That’s how I met this boy.

What should I say about him?  Well, I thought at first he was nothing special.  We were in some classes together and I saw him around.  He didn’t stand out any more than any other guy.  To tell you the truth, he was one of those people in the background I had told myself I didn’t want to be.

He showed up one day after school when Sandra and I were preparing posters for my campaign.  I thought it was sort of creepy because I’d never given him any encouragement and yet there he was offering to help.  Who does that?  Sandra gave me a little look as if to say let’s get rid of him but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.  He had this soulful look in his eyes like he was lost.  Well, I guess it was the eyes that played on me because I let him stay.

I should tell you this funny story about him.  His name was Jeff Carter and when he showed up to help Sandra and I, he thought I had called him ‘Pink’.  I hadn’t because I was talking to Sandra about some colouring for the posters but he says he doesn’t mind being called ‘Pink’.  Again, I ask you, who does that?  So I let it slide and agreed to call him ‘Pink’.  After he left, Sandra and I had a good laugh about it and she told me to keep on calling him ‘Pink’ because maybe he would take the hint we weren’t taking him seriously and then he’d leave us alone.

I didn’t win the election.  Some fool guy from an upper class won.  His big promise was to put new picnic tables in the smoking area.  We all knew it was so students could put their hands under the table and not be seen rolling joints.  He was kind of cute with all curly blonde hair and a wardrobe like a surfer.  I kind of admired him myself.  I think I might have voted for him, too.

Well this Jeff guy, sorry, this Pink guy keeps hanging around.  It would have seemed pathetic if it wasn’t for those eyes.  Soulful like I said and he wasn’t bad looking.  He was also smart.  He read Browning and told me about a poem called Pippa Passes.  I checked out a volume of Browning from the library and I must have read that poem a hundred times.  It’s about a girl who shares my name and gladdens the hearts of everyone she passes.  I guess that’s another reason why I liked Pink.  He had pegged me to a fictional character with qualities I wanted others to see in me.

I always had people hanging around me at school.  I was the new girl and I guess they all wanted to get to know me.  Eventually, the group was whittled down until there was just Sandra and this guy Pink.  I liked him.  I didn’t know why at the time but maybe it was because he saw something in me no one else could see.  I think he saw my vulnerability.  On the contrary, he was rock solid.  Nothing seemed to faze him.  He was dependable.  Oh, and those eyes.  I found myself wondering from time to time what else lay behind those eyes.

Pink and I soon became friends.  Even Sandra gave us a little space because she sensed there was something building between us.  I didn’t recognize it at the time.  I thought he was only just a good friend. But the truth was I started to look forward to seeing him every day.

We became cohorts for lack of a better word.  He liked to listen to me and when he talked, I listened.  We were in this film class together that first year.  We studied films and we made films.  That’s where I was introduced to a film directed by Alfred Hitchcock called ‘Vertigo’.  There’s this fictional character in it named Carlotta Valdez.  She wasn’t a real character.  She was a historical character who seemed to possess a woman named Madeleine.  I identified with this character because I felt haunted sometimes and when I felt sad or disconnected, I referred to this feeling as my Carlotta.  Pink understood it too.  He was more like the Scottie character who was faithful to Madeleine.  Both Scottie and Pink were rock solid and dependable.

I didn’t realize it at the time but my Carlotta was my way of not dealing with my own past.  I had been trying to be a new person but I felt haunted by everything I had lost after the incident with my father.  Being Carlotta was when I gave in to those feelings.  I even formed a band with my cousin and another girl from school.  We were The Carlottas and we gave our one and only performance at a school talent show.  I wrote a song with specific lyrics about love and sorrow and not being understood.  I was still trying to find my new self and was still trying to put myself out there.  Pink called it daring.  I think I bit his head off over that.  I shouldn’t have done that.  I guess I had been disappointed that he didn’t realize it was as much for him as it was for the rest of the school.  I wanted him to know how I was feeling with this Carlotta inside me.

It was around that time Roger surprised me with his new motorcycle.  I should have told him to get rid of it but it was cool and I was happy for him.  He had shown up at school at the end of the day and took me for a ride.  I was excited to be with him and to spend some time with him.  I thought maybe he would consider moving back in with my mother and I but when I asked him, he said he was leaving everything in the past and I had to find a way to put it all behind me.

I was furious with Roger but the more I thought about it that night the more I was angry with my father.  None of this was my fault and he was clearly trying to buy Roger off.  All of the old issues came to the surface along with Carlotta.  I skipped off the next morning from school because I was angry and confused and hurt.  I only went to school in the afternoon because I didn’t want to have to explain anything to my mother.  It was in my Carlotta state when I encountered Pink at the end of the day.

I was upset and I thought Pink would understand.  I think he tried to but I was only looking for complete understanding and agreement and I was in the mood to lash out if I didn’t get it.  So when Pink didn’t recognize what I expected of him, I became angry and slapped him.  He walked away and I just stood there in the realization I had just hurt the one person I generally cared about and who cared about me.

Pink was not at school the next day.  It was probably just as well because I didn’t know what to do to make things better.  I should have gone after him when it happened.  I should have apologized right away and explained everything to him.  I wasn’t sure if he’d have understood because I wasn’t ready for him to know my history.

I spent the weekend thinking about Pink and how I’d hurt him.  I asked myself over and over why it mattered so much to me how he felt.  I had been telling myself he was just a friend but I also knew that his devotion to me meant he had deeper feelings for me.  I began to question my own feelings for him.  I realized I was in love with him.  This presented an even bigger problem for me.  How was I going to fix this?  How would I let him know how much I cared for him without tipping my hand?

I came up with this crazy plan to have him run The Harrier with me.  It was an annual marathon that was open to every student but it was really a fishing expedition for new talent for the track team.  I wasn’t interested in the whole running aspect again because that was part of my old life at my previous school.  I didn’t even know at the time if Pink had any running talent.  He’d never mentioned it to me before so I assumed he wasn’t the athletic type.  I thought that if he agreed to run The Harrier with me then we’d have a chance in a more private setting to talk things out.

Well, that wasn’t enough for me.  I had a need to share more with Pink and let him know my history and why I had reacted the way I did.  I thought if I could get him to run The Harrier then maybe he’d be ready to meet with me and hear my secrets.

On the day of The Harrier, I gave him a slip of paper with the word ‘Run’ on it.  On the back, I had written my address and a time for the following Saturday.  I didn’t want to give him a chance to see the other side so I handed him the paper during the race and then I started to run.  I knew it would take a lot for him to keep up with me.

I was surprised how well Pink ran The Harrier.  He chased after me and kept up the pace I set.  I had set up a little incentive because I had learned that The Harrier route would go right past our avocado house.  I had attached a bristol-board sign with pink letters spelling out Run, Pink, Run.  I knew that when he eventually read the other side of the paper he’d realize the house with the sign out front was where I was going to meet him the following Saturday.

Both Pink and I finished in the top ten for The Harrier.  We were approached by track Coaches and invited to join the girls’ and guys’ track teams.  I turned down the offer but for some fool reason, Pink decided to join only to spite his Coach.  I never really understood Pink’s motivation to run but I supported him in it.

Our meeting at the avocado house was memorable because it was the first time I’d been alone with a boy.  My mother was out or I’d have never had the nerve to invite Pink.  It was nice.  We talked and I shared my history with him.  I told him about my Elvis obsession as well.  He was very patient with me and I was so nervous to have him there.  I had all these feelings inside me and I wanted to kiss him but I didn’t dare.  I knew he liked me but I wasn’t sure I was ready for anything physical.  I think I had kissed him on the cheek once at school after he had complimented me or something but the thought of kissing him there in my room was frightening.

I was starting to have conflicting feelings about Pink because I didn’t know if he cared for me the same way I cared for him.  I decided to let things play out casually.  I didn’t give him any encouragement because I was afraid of my own feelings.  I didn’t know how to let anyone in.  It’s one thing to share your history and secrets but being intimate with anyone on that level was a worrisome next step.

I decided I would just be there for him like Pink had been for me.  It helped me to relax just to think about someone else for a change.  I was happier after I had opened up to Pink.  We spent more time together at school and I showed up to his track practices to cheer him on.  I was still under a curfew with my mother.  She was being overprotective since the incident with my father.  She expected me home at a certain time and if she even thought I was interested in a boy then she’d have blown her top.  I just told my mother I was with Sandra and we were cheering on our school team in anticipation of the All City tournament. 

Pink became more and more dedicated to his running when he wasn’t with me.  He told me about running the track at school in his spare time and he made a friend named Ben who was also on the track team.  The pair of them had been selected to participate in the All City and specifically in a long relay.  I wanted to go but the tournament was going to be held at Collegiate, my old school.  I was mortified at the thought of going to support Pink and possibly running into some of my old classmates.  I hadn’t forgotten how I had been treated the previous year and I didn’t want to have to face that again.

The day of the tournament caused me considerable anguish.  I knew I should be there for Pink but I agonized over having to deal with Collegiate students I had known and possibly not getting home on time.  I had disappointed Pink when I told him I wouldn’t be coming and even though he told me he understood, I also knew how important me being there was to him.  In the end, I went home at lunch, grabbed my guitar and headed to the tournament and hoped I would be on time for Pink’s race.

Oh yes, I should tell you that I had been in the habit of bringing my guitar to Pink’s practices and accompanying his running with strains of Elvis.  We had this little secret thing about the song ‘Follow That Dream’ but I wanted to do something more.  Riding the bus to Collegiate I came up with what I thought would be the perfect song if only I’d get there before he ran his race.

Talk about timing!  When I got off the bus I ran to the track at Collegiate and Pink had just started his quarter-mile lap.  I had worked myself up to focus on nothing else and I ran into the infield and started playing and singing ‘Viva Las Vegas.’  It was one of the fastest Elvis songs I knew how to play.  You should have heard everyone yell at me as I started.  I wasn't sure if they were cheering me, cheering the runners, or yelling for me to get the hell out of there.

You should have seen Pink run.  I couldn’t have loved him more at that moment.  Love can make you do stupid things and what I was doing ranked up there with the most imaginable craziness!  I didn’t care.  I loved that boy.  He had stuck by me and I was going to show him how much I cared by not only showing up but by singing my heart out.

After Pink finished his lap, he ran into the infield to meet me.  I was in his arms in a shot and explaining to him I didn’t care what anyone else thought.  I was there for him.  I gave him the biggest and longest kiss I could.  There was even more cheering.  I was pretty sure it wasn’t for the remaining athletes.  If he didn’t realize I loved him before that kiss then he had to know after.

I became separated from Pink with all the commotion at the end of the race.  I also had to get home before my mother left for work.  I didn’t get a chance to say anything else to him and I knew the kiss would leave him with more questions than answers.  The next morning I met him at his locker and gave him another kiss.  We didn’t say I love you to each other but I was sure he knew how I felt.

We spent the rest of that month at school as a couple but we tried not to be openly affectionate with one another in public.  Our private moments were limited as well as I always had to be home on time to keep my mother happy and keep her from becoming suspicious.

That summer Pink and I both lucked out because we had jobs across the road from each other.  I worked in a burger restaurant and Pink worked at the Texaco across the street.  I rode my bicycle home after every shift and it was easy for me to stop by the Texaco at the end of my day because Pink was just starting his.  We’d talk through the little window and hold hands for a minute or, if we were daring, we’d meet at the back of the gas station and steal a kiss.

This went on most of the summer and I know that Pink was frustrated with our limited time together.  One time, he even came by my house around midnight and we met in my garage.  We kissed and I think it was the first time I told him I loved him.  It was crazy but I was so happy that I couldn’t possibly foresee any problems.

My eighteenth birthday was that August and Pink had come up with this wild idea of us somehow spending time with each other by going to the drive-in.  He even roped in his friend Ben and my cousin Sandra.  Ben was the driver among us four and had access to a car.  It was simply all hush-hush as far as my mother was concerned.  She thought Ben and Sandra were a couple and they were treating me to an evening at the movies.  Pink was going to be my secret date and my mother was to know nothing about it.

That’s when everything fell apart.  I didn’t know part of Pink’s off-season training included running down my street.  Apparently, he would run the Harrier route to keep in shape and hopefully to encounter me.  One day he came across my mother and panicked when she invited him in and he gave her the fake name of Steve Wilson.  He didn’t tell me about any of this but when Ben and Sandra and I tried to get permission for me to go to the drive-in, my mother suggested I invite along this Steve Wilson.

I was confused so I reached out to Pink and he came by for another midnight meeting at my house.  That’s when he let me know how it all happened and how he came to be Steve Wilson to my mother.  I was hurt and angry and I dumped him then and there.

I kept asking myself how could someone I loved do something like that to me?  In my mind, Pink’s behaviour was similar to the betrayal of innocence I felt with my father.  I couldn’t trust Pink and that hurt.  I didn’t want anything more to do with him.  We didn’t speak for a long time after that.

Pink didn’t know it but I had seriously considered changing schools again.  I couldn’t go back to Collegiate but there had to be another school where I could start over again.  The only thing that prevented me from following through was I would have had to explain to my mother it was because I was trying to avoid a boy I had been dating when I wasn’t supposed to be dating at all.

I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel.  Most of the time I was numb.  I kept questioning why Pink could do what he did.  If I had really thought about it I could probably have justified his actions.  He was as tired of sneaking around as I was.  He wanted a transparent relationship.  I couldn’t see it then but I understood it later on.

The return to school was significant for one other thing.  That was the year I met Bastien.  He was a dreamy exchange student from Quebec City.  Every girl had a crush on him.  I was no exception.  Don’t get me wrong because there was nothing wrong with Pink’s looks but that dark hair and that accent made Bastien like catnip.  I was still stinging from everything with Pink so I thought throwing myself into another relationship would be the distraction I needed.

I didn’t love Bastien but I convinced myself I could love him.  He was self-assured and a little full of himself but I thought I could change that.  I pursued him like nobody’s business.  I couldn’t tell my mother about him either but being with Bastien would have the added bonus of making Pink jealous.  Bastien was also a runner so I encouraged him to go out for track because that would be something else that would irritate Pink.  It was really immature but I couldn’t think straight when it came to Pink.

The thing about Pink was he was my first real relationship.  I might have had crushes before him but he was the first boy I knew I loved.  Maybe if I didn’t have this Carlotta inside me I might have reacted differently.  I had shared my secrets with him and then he went and created a secret persona where he interacted with my mother.  I didn’t know how I could forgive him for that.  I wanted to but I was so invested in getting back at him that it blinded me to what I really wanted which was getting back with him. 

At one point I tried to get even with Pink by trying to convince him to be nice to Bastien.  There was a fall track tournament and both of them were training for the same event.  I would go to practices to encourage Bastien and to watch Pink fume.  I knew I was pitting them against each other but I didn’t really see any harm in it.  Pink started to refer to Bastien as ‘Bastard’ but he didn’t think I knew.  I tried to confront Pink about it but he wouldn’t let it go.  He said the only reason he didn’t like Bastien was because I did.  That both frightened me and exhilarated me at the same time.  I have to say it was nice to have two people fighting over me.

There was this one time I was so daring that I decided to walk Pink home and try to convince him to bow out of the competition.  I knew I couldn’t directly ask him to do such a thing but I played on his jealousy.  I told him some nonsense about wanting him to move on and I was the person I wanted to be when I was with Bastien.  None of that was true.  I didn’t like the person I was becoming.  I was only with Bastien because I couldn’t be with Pink.  My own stupid pride and sense of inadequacies prevented me from forgiving Pink.  He’d only done what he’d done because he wanted to be with me.  He was trying to find a way to help me solve the problem with my mother’s protectiveness and he’d done something stupid.  It wasn’t like I hadn’t done something stupid.  My being with Bastien was as overtly stupid as you get.

Pink offered this deal to me that if Bastien beat him in the upcoming tournament then he’d let me be with Bastien without any interference.  Pink really hadn’t offered any interference up to then.  He didn’t like me being with Bastien but he didn’t do anything about it.  I didn’t turn down the deal nor did I accept it.  I think I might have goaded Pink into making that arrangement.  I was too angry with him to disagree but secretly I hoped Pink would win but also wanted Bastien to win if only to teach Pink a lesson.  Don’t ask me what that lesson was because I was making it up as I went along.

I worked with Bastien on his training.  I became his coach.  I knew Pink’s style so I offered little suggestions to Bastien.  I didn’t think Bastien had a chance of winning but he’d put on a pretty good show.  I felt stuck because I wanted both to win and neither to win.  My heart and head were fighting against each other and I wasn’t sure what I’d do if either was the winner.

What do you do when you’re trapped with the wrong person?  That happened to me.  Bastien won.  I’m not sure if I trained him too well or if Pink let him win.  Pink was angry with me after the race and he even gave up running.  I felt just awful.  If he lost the race because of me or if he gave up deliberately, the result was the same and it tore him up.  We didn’t talk for almost the remainder of the school year.

I was with Bastien full-time after that.  I hadn’t told him about Pink’s deal and I tried to make it seem like I wasn’t settling for the consolation prize.  We were affectionate together when others were around but it was the same situation I had encountered with Pink as far as my mother was concerned.  I couldn’t tell her about Bastien.  There was no private time.  I knew Bastien was just as frustrated as Pink had been the previous summer but that was okay.  I knew I was with the wrong guy but I didn’t know how to make things better with Pink.  I only hoped that Bastien would go back to Quebec City and we could end our little affair without too much fuss.

Seeing Pink at school and not being with him was torture.  We weren’t even friends.  We were nothing to each other.  I knew I had hurt him and I had promised myself I would never do that again after that time I had slapped him.  I was a muddle of confusion inside.  I had to keep playing the part of a doting girlfriend with Bastien but he wasn’t like Pink.  Pink understood me and up until then, he hadn’t judged me.  He accepted me as I was; troubled history, Carlotta, and all.  Eventually, I cut Bastien free.  I gave him the old it’s not you, it’s me speech.  That was true.  It was me.  Like I said, I didn’t like who I had become.  I had to figure out how to get back to being centred.  My transition would come about as the result of a tumultuous and tragic point in my life.

In the early spring of the following year, I lost my brother Roger.  It was a devastating accident with his motorcycle.  My family was a mess.  I was a mess.  All of us were looking for someone to blame.  My parents began to rely on each other again and that messed me up even more.

At Roger’s funeral, I caught a glimpse of Bastien and Pink sitting together at the back.  My heart broke, even more, to see them there together.  They were there for me.  Two guys I had hurt had come out to show me they cared while I was hurting.  I longed to run to them and accept their support.  It wasn’t appropriate at that time but I couldn’t focus on my own grief.  I wanted to be with someone else but not with just anyone else.  I wanted to be with Pink.

Home was awful.  My mother was crying constantly and I had run out of tears.  I had cried so much that I thought I would never stop.  I had to find a way to push through the mourning and become whole again.  Everything had been chaos for days.  My brother was gone and I felt responsible.  I thought if my family hadn’t split up then Roger wouldn’t have gone off to live with my father and there never would have even been a motorcycle.  It was twisted logic but it held onto me and I couldn’t shake it.

I ultimately built up enough nerve to go see Pink.  My mother was keeping me even closer after Roger’s death so I had to wait until she’d gone to bed before I could sneak out.  I tried unsuccessfully for two nights to rouse Pink. On the third night, I went back to his house after midnight and rattled for him at his window.  He came outside and secreted me into his house.  I can’t explain it but I felt right being there with him.  I knew my place should have been with my mother during that time but I didn’t think I was really helping her.  I couldn’t deal with the loss in the same way as her.  I needed to be with someone who was detached from all of that.  I needed to be with someone who wanted to be with me.

It’s difficult to describe what came over me at Pink’s house.  He held me and comforted me and the intimacy was overpowering.  It shouldn’t have happened but I needed him to love me in a physical way and take my mind off all my pain.  I knew he would never initiate it so I waited until he was asleep and then I removed my clothes and joined him in his bed.  It was beautiful and gentle and nerve-wracking all at the same time.  Neither of us knew what we were doing but we made out alright.  I cried and he cried.  To be honest I think mine were tears of relief.  I wasn’t feeling sad anymore and I loved him so much right then that nothing else mattered.

We fell asleep in each other’s arms and I hid out in his house the next morning when he went to school.  I had never known that lovemaking could be such a release.  Despite the awkwardness, I had never felt so close to another person.  Kissing was one thing but when I gave myself fully to Pink, I felt whole or complete.  It’s hard to describe.  It was a need I didn’t know I had.  Pink didn’t say a word the whole time.  I think he sensed I was hurting and he wanted to help that go away.  He was the perfect partner for my first time…and my second time.

Pink came home early that day and we made love again.  Being with him was like serenity.  Nothing else mattered.  I just wanted to stay with him forever.  I had loved Pink and I had sent him away.  All I knew was that I couldn’t lose him again.  I couldn’t go back to feeling how I had felt over the past few days.  Roger’s death had created a hole in my core and I needed Pink to help me heal.  It was insane and overpowering.

Pink was the level-headed one between us.  He loved me and wanted to please me but he knew I had to go home sometime.  When he went back to school, I went home.  I stopped at a drugstore on the way home and bought a box of condoms.  I wanted to continue to be physical with Pink but we needed to take precautions.  I would later tell him I found the condoms in my brother’s room.  It was a convincing lie I needed him to believe.  I had to go home and deal with my mother and I made up the story about having to go through Roger’s stuff.  I wanted him to see how vulnerable I still was.  My mother believed I had been out walking around all night.  At least her lecture was centred on my story and the horrors of what could happen to a young woman at night.  I wanted to set her straight but I think it would have made it worse if she’d learned her daughter was sexually active.

That night Pink came over and we made love twice in my mother’s car.  I couldn’t help myself.  I had rediscovered Pink’s love for me at the same time I discovered the joy of sex.  The distraction of making love was like a tonic.  I needed it to keep my mind clear but at the same time, it was perverting my thought process.  I couldn’t view things clearly.  My thoughts were constantly of Pink and being with him.  I even asked him to marry me.

I was serious about us getting married.  It made all the sense in the world to me at the time.  I couldn’t see beyond the moments we were together and I didn’t want to know a time without him.  It was a wild suggestion but I was afraid of losing him again.  I thought if we got married then it would bind him to me and we’d be together always.

Pink was uncertain about the marriage issue.  His main concern was that I wanted to keep it a secret.  My idea was that we would be husband and wife although we were living apart.  I imagined that after a year we’d be off to University and we could move in with each other and then maybe break the news to our parents.  I certainly wasn’t in favour of letting my mother know I was in any kind of relationship at that time.  I was supposed to be mourning and I was in no way acting like Roger’s death had affected me.

I went to work on Pink.  I had to make him want to marry me.  I sensed his hesitation and I’d lie awake at night wondering if he was slipping away from me.  We continued to make love when we could and I would hold him so tight and think to myself that I would never let him go.  Slowly but surely I began to wear him down to sharing my opinion.

I wanted a June wedding so that gave us a couple of months to plan.  I tried to take any burdens off Pink and I did all the planning.  We would marry around the middle of June at a civil service.  All we needed to do was to get a marriage license and find a couple of people to act as witnesses.  The first part was easy.  We both showed up and paid a fee and we had a license.  Pink wasn’t all that enthused about it.  He felt there should have been more to it.  I decided we should consummate the event like we would our wedding.  Pink didn’t object to that.

It took Pink to come up with two people who would stand up for us at the ceremony.  With a secret wedding, there was no one I knew who we could ask.  I couldn’t take any chances that word of our plan would get back to my mother.  Pink thought we could ask his brother and his girlfriend but Pink was not really enthusiastic about it.  I had seen his brother Rod around the school before but he didn’t return the previous fall.  He was managing the Texaco while his girlfriend was off at school.  I didn’t even know that much.  Pink and I had been separated for most of the school year.  Pink explained everything and when I learned that his brother had defied his parents when he moved in with his girlfriend Rhonda then I thought maybe they would become our allies.

Pink’s brother was immediately against the idea.  He thought we were too young and too foolish to know what we were doing.  It was only after his girlfriend intervened that we were able to plead our case.  I remember that she suggested that Pink and his brother take a walk while Rhonda and I discussed the situation.  I liked her right away.  I could see she was going to be open to at least hearing me out.

“A secret wedding, eh?” Rhonda asked me after we were alone.  “That’s certainly a new one on me.  I thought Rod and I moving in with each other was bad enough on both our families but this is going to be a tough thing to put across.”

“That’s why we have to keep it a secret,” I replied.  “It’s kind of hard to explain.”

“Try me,” she said.  “I made a decision that wasn’t so popular.  I think I had to work harder on Rod just to convince him that moving in together was a good idea.”

“Tell me about it!  Sometimes I think Pink’s wavering on the whole wedding idea.  That’s why I want to marry him.  I can’t lose him, too.”

Rhonda looked at me but I think she got my drift.

“I’m not judging, you’ve lost your brother and you’re spiralling off trying to become grounded again.”

“That’s right.  How did you know?”

“I’ve sat in on a few psychology classes.  Early child care is as much about psychology as it is behaviour.  Don’t tell Rod but I’ve tried a few methods on him to get him to come around to my way of thinking on some things.  That’s just a secret between just us girls.”

I liked her.  Did I say that already?  Well, I did.  She’d observed me for only a few minutes and she’d figured me out.  In another time I thought she could probably help me with my other problems.  I was looking forward to someday being sisters-in-law.

“Sometimes I think if I can’t be with Pink then it would be like me dying.  He’s so solid.  I don’t know what I’d do without him.”

“And you think marrying him is the best course of action?  Are you sure that’s what Jeff wants?"

“He has to.  I know he’s had second and third thoughts.  So have I, but when it’s right it’s right.  That’s the hard part to explain.  I know Pink understands or we wouldn’t be here tonight.”

“Hear me out for a minute,” Rhonda said.  “I’m not objecting to anything you’ve said but you haven’t really told me why you just can’t wait a year.  Why the rush?”

“I’ve seen how fragile things have been in the past with Pink.  We’ve both done things to hurt each other.  I think I was the champion of that and I’m not proud of it.  What if we wait and I do something to drive him away?  What if he leaves me?  If we’re married then he’s more likely to forgive me or be committed to working through things.”

“There’s some logic in that but I’m living with one of the Carter boys and he can be stubborn when it comes to getting his way.  He’s also loving and devoted and I couldn’t see my life without him.  If this is what you want then Rod and I will be your witnesses.  Leave Rod to me.  Like I said, I have a way of getting him to come around to my way of thinking.  Just do me one favour.”

“What’s that?”

You are reading story Pippa’s Passing at novel35.com

“Make sure this is also what Jeff wants.”

When Pink and his brother got back it was sealed.  His brother was on our side and I knew we could count on them to be there for us.

Pink seemed more in tune with my thoughts after meeting with his brother.  He also began to share in my enthusiasm.  At school, we kept our distance from one another so others wouldn’t become suspicious.  I thought that maybe after we returned for our final year in the fall we could start posing more as a couple.  It would give me time to explain things to my mother and the blow wouldn’t be so bad when we eventually did tell her that Pink and I were married.

As Pink’s eagerness to become my husband increased, mine to become his wife started to stall.  I couldn’t help thinking of Rhonda’s words.  Was this what Pink wanted?  How could I be sure?  He’d look at me with those eyes and all I could see was his love for me.  Was that enough to start a wedded life on; even a secret one?

Over the next month, I was conflicted between knowing what I wanted and wondering what was best for Pink.  I did love him.  There was no doubt about that.  I also knew Pink would do whatever he thought was necessary to keep me happy.  Was that the same as a full commitment from him?  So, when I began to doubt him, I began to doubt myself.  This had all moved fairly fast.  One minute we’re making love and the next I’m practically proposing to him.  Well not practically, I did propose to him.  That was my eagerness to secure his future to mine.

That was where I began to see the problem in my motivation.  I wanted to secure his future to mine.  I hadn’t given any thought to what Pink’s future might be except it had to be with me.  What if feeling right with Pink was not the same as being right for Pink?  After all, I had hurt him on more than one occasion and even after I had told myself I’d never do that again.  What if that pattern continued?  

Pink knew I had issues and we both joked about it being the Carlotta version of me but was I really prepared to subject Pink to that as his wife?  I didn’t really have any experience in that area and my own mother wasn’t a good model for me.  She had left her husband on the word of her daughter but then turned around and tried to control every aspect of her daughter’s life.  Maybe she had been the one to drive Roger back to my father.  Everything was so confusing.

Finally, June rolled around and there were only a couple of weeks before our marriage ceremony.  Pink seemed incredibly happy and I was worried about spoiling that happiness.  I had tried to convince myself that my original idea of us being married was still valid.  I loved him and I wanted to be with him.  He loved me and he had accepted the idea of us being married.  That was another thing I began to question.  Had I convinced Pink to do something against his better judgment?  I thought back on something Rhonda had told me.  She had said Rod could be stubborn when it came to getting his way but she had a way of getting him to come around to her way of thinking.  Is that what I had done?  Had I plied Pink with sex and convoluted thinking until he gave in?

Around that time my parents began to talk about reconciliation.  I couldn’t believe it.  My mother knew what had happened that night with him.  How could she forgive that?  Is that what marriage was all about?  Did you give in to things because you were only focused on your own happiness?  That drove home the question whether I was pushing this marriage idea for both Pink and I or was it something just for myself?  I tried to stay happy and focused on the plan but day by day uncertainty eroded my thoughts.

I had gone out and bought a beautiful spring daffodil yellow dress for our wedding.  Every couple of nights I would take it out and try it on and look at myself in the mirror.  I didn’t like what I saw.  It wasn’t the image I saw that was troubling but rather the reflection of someone who had pushed her own agenda to the point that the person she loved most in the world was going to forego what he wanted just to make me happy.  It was the same reaction every time I tried on the dress.  I would look at myself and cry.  I kept expecting a different outcome but it was always the same.

I seriously considered calling off the wedding but there was a part of me that was selfish and wouldn’t give in.  I wanted Pink to marry me and take me away from everything.  That wasn’t part of the plan, however.  I’d spend the next year married to a boy I couldn’t be with and wondering if I’d done the right thing.  I also debated not showing up for the ceremony but I thought that would be a hurt that Pink could never get over.

I didn’t sleep much the night before the wedding.  I kept getting up and trying on the dress and crying over and over again.  Each time I was sure that my fears would disappear and I’d realize it was just a case of nerves.  Nothing changed and I’d carefully hang the dress in my closet and lie on my bed and sob.  I’d wait a bit until I was calmer and take a deep breath and try again.  I began to be sick of the sight of myself.

I skipped school the entire next day and pretended to be ill.  It wasn’t far off the mark.  My mother checked on me before she left for work and didn’t question how I felt.  I was sick to my stomach and wracked with guilt and self-loathing and foreboding.  I knew I couldn’t just not show up. Maybe things would work out.  Then again, maybe they wouldn’t.  It was that way all day as I got ready.  I went through the motions and did my hair and my makeup and got dressed.  In my purse were the vows I had written.  I had agonized over them trying to find the right things to say to Pink.  I reread them over and over again.  Every word was true to how I felt about him.  That was not in question.  I also had a gold band I had purchased for Pink from my savings.  By then, the vows and ring were just props to me in a charade I had to play out.

I took a bus downtown and I prayed the answer would come to me on the way.  The question I needed answered was if what I was about to do was right.  I must have been a sight.  I knew I looked beautiful in my yellow dress but tears were running down my face.  I kept thinking that all I had to do was show up.  Everything would be better when I was with Pink.  If he was there then it would be a sign that everything would be right.  Pink would marry me and I’d be happy.

Somewhere, on the ride there, it all call came crashing down.  I went into full-on panic mode and had to get off the bus a few streets from the courthouse.  I was gasping for air and I began dry heaving.  People walked by and stared.  A woman stopped and asked me if I was okay.  I told her I was fine and that I had been on a bus and just felt a form of motion sickness.  How could I honestly tell her my insides were churning because I was on my way to a secret wedding that I wanted to run away from?

There was a bench nearby and I sat down and put my head between my legs.  Soon my stomach settled and my head began to clear.  It was almost time for the ceremony and I was still a few blocks away.  I looked around.  No one was staring at me anymore.  I could have just been anyone waiting to do anything.  That’s what I wanted.  I wanted to be anyone else and be anywhere else.  I couldn’t go through with it.  My mind and body were telling me the truth of things.  Everything would not be alright because everything was wrong.  

I had pushed for this wedding and Pink had strung along.  He wasn’t ready for it.  I wasn’t ready for it.  Instead of cementing our futures together, I was dooming us to uncertainty.  Carlotta was trying to tear me apart from the inside out.  That’s how much I was fighting against myself to do the right thing for a change.  The right thing was not getting married.  I needed time to figure out what else was right.  I needed time for me.  Pink would understand.  I’d be like Rhonda.  I would make Pink understand.

I made my way to the courthouse with only minutes to spare.  I was longing to see Pink but dreading it at the same time.  How could I tell him I wasn’t going to marry him?  Maybe it would have been better if I had just kept on going until I was far from him and a wedding that no longer meant the world to me.  My mind was blank and I had no explanation to give him.  I needed time and that was the one thing Pink couldn’t give me.  I’d be hurting him but it would be better than an immediate future of regret.  There’d be no easy way to break it to him.  Panic began to set in again and the tears came once more.

Pink was there when I arrived and he came down the stairs to meet me.  I could see both relief and concern in his face.  He obviously had been patiently waiting but probably worried as it got closer to our appointed time and I wasn’t there.  He saw the tears on my face.  He tried to ask me what was wrong but I couldn’t find the words.  I stuttered something about loving him too much to go through with it.  I realized it didn’t make sense but everything caught in my throat and it was the only thing I could think to say.  I turned away and started to run.  Pink didn’t follow or call after me.  I believed I had probably lost him for good.

When I got home I put away the dress.  I never wore it again.  I lay on my bed and cried myself to sleep.  It was early evening before I awoke.  I didn’t know what to do.  This had been one of the worst days of my life.  I tried to think of words to describe how I was feeling.  Whenever I’d had trouble before I’d think of Elvis and a song that might sum up what I was going through.  All I could think was I had lost Pink.  There were lots of Elvis songs about loss but I was reminded of the lyrics to ‘I Lost You’.  It was an appropriate song title with lyrics saying “‘Oh, I've lost you, yes, I've lost you, I can't reach you anymore, we ought to talk it over now, but reason can't stand in for feeling.”  Reason can’t stand in for feeling.  That was true enough.

Would Pink even understand my reasons for running out on him?  I hadn’t had time to even think up any good reasons.  I loved him.  That was the feeling.  I couldn’t be with him because I loved him too much.  That wasn't reasoning at all.  I needed to talk to Pink but would he even want to see me?  What would I say to him?

That weekend I heard nothing from Pink.  He didn’t call and he didn’t come by.  I lay awake thinking I’d hear him scratching at my window and we’d meet in the garage and we’d sort things out.  He never came.  

After a while, I began to realize I had to face Pink.  I had worked it out in my mind what to do but I had to find a way to get to Pink and explain things.  I took off the first couple of days of the following week from school.  I wasn’t ready to run into him.  I had been formulating my thoughts and there were things I had to put into play. One of those was how to meet with Pink and let him know what I was going to do.  I couldn’t just show up at his house unannounced or call him and invite him over.  What if he sent me away or what if he refused to come to the avocado house?

I thought of who I could turn to.  There was only one other person I thought would understand enough to help me.  Rod’s girlfriend Rhonda had been a sympathetic ear and it had been she who had started me questioning if I was doing right by Pink.  I went to her apartment one evening.  I knew it was risky going there because Pink’s brother might be home and I didn’t think he’d be as accepting of me after what I’d done to his brother.  I was right.  He almost sent me away.  Rhonda intervened and insisted I at least have a chance to explain.

It took all I had to be honest with both of them.  Rod kept trying to interrupt but Rhonda would give a look and then he’d back down.  She really did have a way with him.  I told them everything.  I spared nothing from hurt to shame.  It wasn’t easy but they understood and they supported me.  They agreed to one more of my hair-brained schemes.  They invited Pink over to meet with them and then they left before he arrived.  It would be the only opportunity I’d be able to be alone with Pink without first scaring him off.

The look on Pink’s face when I opened the door was agony to me.  I’d always known it was his eyes that conveyed what was going on inside of him.  That night, his eyes were full of anger and confusion and a look I can only describe as having been wounded.  It was almost as bad as the moment at the bottom of the courthouse stairs.

“What are you doing here?” he said with a tone leaning towards hostility.

“Please Pink, it was the only way.  Don’t blame Rod and Rhonda.  I begged them for your help.  I needed to talk to you and I didn’t think you’d come if I had invited you.”

“You’re right about that Pippa.  Tell me right now why I shouldn’t turn around and leave you?”  I knew he was referring to me walking out on him before our wedding.

“Because I love you Pink.”

“You have a funny way of showing it.  What was it you said when you jilted me?  Oh yeah, you love me too much.  How is any of that supposed to make me feel after what happened?”

He was right.  Telling him I loved him was small consolation for abandoning him on our wedding day or for what I was about to tell him.

“Just give me a few moments Pink.  Let’s go sit down and maybe I can begin to explain things to you.”

“I’ll give you five minutes.  If I don’t like what I’m hearing then I’m leaving.”  He looked like he meant it, too.

We went into the living room and we sat opposite each other.  I longed to sit next to him and have him hold me.  It would probably be the last time he’d ever do that.

“I realize that saying sorry will mean nothing to you,” I began.  “I am sorry Pink and I do love you.  The problem is that lately, I’ve been having trouble loving myself.”

“I know that feeling.  I’m having a problem loving you at this very moment.”  He was just being honest.  I understood but the words were crushing.

“I just couldn’t do it Pink.  I wanted with all my heart to marry you but everything else was telling me it was wrong.  I was becoming physically sick over it.  I had convinced myself that I was forcing you into the wedding against your will.  I wanted more than anything to be your wife.  I just think you really didn’t want to be my husband…at this time.”

“I showed up didn’t I?” he snapped.

“I did, too, remember?” I replied.  “But it’s not enough to show up.  I wanted both of us to be happy and committed to each other.  In the beginning, you were struggling with it.  I recognize that.  Later, I was struggling with it.  Why can’t you accept that from me?”

“I was happy and I was ready,” he continued.  “I could have called it off at any time but I saw the value in our wedding.  You were right when you said it would bind us together.  That’s the future I wanted.”

“And now?”  I asked.  I was afraid of the answer.

“And now I’d do it again if you asked me.”

“That’s the problem Pink.  I was the one who asked you the first time and wouldn’t take no for an answer.  I worked on you to want what I wanted.  I didn’t give you a chance to get what you wanted.”

“What about our future, Pippa?”

“I’m doing this for our future Pink.  I need time for me.  I went from mourning my brother to wanting to marry you.  There were a whole bunch of things I should have figured out somewhere between those two.”

“Like what?”  I knew he was getting agitated with me and my time was probably close to being up.  Would he really hold me to the five minute deadline?

“How to be alone, for starters.  I went from you to Bastien and then back to you.  I’ve been part of a couple so often that I forgot what it’s like to do all the thinking for myself.  I had thought only of pleasing you and then Bastien.  I forgot about my needs.  Oh, it was good for a time.  Carlotta wasn’t pulling at me and I was happy just to focus on either of you two.  That was avoidance.  I shoved all of the problems with my father off to the side and ignored the issues I was having with my mother.  I didn’t want to deal with them.  It’s about time I started figuring out what’s right for me.”

“I can help you with that Pippa.  Don’t shut me out.”

“I’m not shutting you out Pink.  I’m just closing the door to us for now.  I’ve decided to go away for a while and think about things.  I’ve got to find out who I am.”

“What do you mean you’re going away?”

“You won’t like it Pink but I’m going to Quebec City.”

There was an audible gasp from Pink and he suddenly looked very deflated.

“Let me explain, Pink.  I tried to get into the student exchange program but it was too late.  I did the only thing I could think to after that.  I went to Bastien.”

“You’re leaving me for him?”  Pink stood up and looked as if he would leave.

“I’m not leaving you for him.  I’m going to live with his family.  His parents have an extra room and he has an older sister that’ll be there.  She’s going to college in the fall but she’s still living at home.  I could use someone like that to help me with what’s to come.”

“And you don’t think Bastien’s going to ease off on wanting you?”

I’d given that some thought before I had approached Bastien.  I knew he was still stinging from me dumping him but I was counting on him still caring as much as when he had attended Roger’s funeral as a show of support.  I would need that kind of support.  I wasn’t going to encourage him in any way because I wasn’t going to Quebec to be with him.  He was just a means to an end.

“I know that Bastien still cares for me but I don’t love him in that way.”  I was hoping Pink would believe that.  “I’ve talked it over with him.  I’m going to Quebec to experience some new things and to think about what comes next.  I’ll only be gone a year.”

“Well, a lot can happen in a year.  What if you decide to marry him?”

I could see Pink’s logic.  Maybe he was secretly thinking I hadn’t married him because I was still in love with Bastien.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

“I’ll only be gone a year,” I repeated.  “I’m not marrying anyone.  Don’t you see, Pink, I’ve got to do this for me.  It’s no good me staying here.  It’s going to come out.  It’ll show on me.”

“What do you mean?  There’s nothing to come out.  You made that clear when you walked away from me.”

“It’s not about you and I anymore Pink.  I haven’t dealt with my family stuff and now my parents are talking about getting back together.  I can’t be here if that happens.  It’ll make things worse.”

“I thought your mother would never go back to him?” he asked me.

“It’s all different now since Roger’s death.  I’ve pulled back from my mother and she’s seeking comfort somewhere else.  I can’t have my father back in our lives.”

“Isn’t that your mother’s decision?  I know what you’ve told me and I thought you said his getting in bed with you was a drunken mistake?  Maybe she’s ready to accept that nothing really happened.”

“You don’t understand Pink!” I shouted.

“Make me understand Pippa!” he shouted back.

“He touched me!”  I collapsed over on the couch and started to cry.  I sensed Pink move closer until he sat next to me.  I couldn’t bear being that close to him.  I had just dropped a bombshell that I hadn’t even told my mother.  I wanted Pink to hold me but that would be moving backwards.

“Pippa, does your mother know?”  His voice was so soft and gentle.  This was the insightful and caring boy I’d learned to love.  If telling him my deepest darkest secret wasn’t torture then being close to him and not having him touch me was worse.

It took me a couple of minutes to compose myself.  I sat up and looked into his eyes.  There were those eyes again full of compassion and love.  I hadn’t expected that.  I had thought his anger with me would have been all-consuming. I hadn’t wanted to tell him the truth about the incident with my father.  I had been too ashamed to tell anyone.  I hadn’t even told the counsellor I had been forced to see.

“How can I tell her Pink?” I sobbed.  I wasn’t crying as hard but it was still difficult to talk without tearing up.

“You have to tell her the truth, Pippa.  Maybe he was drunk and he didn’t know what he was doing but it’s no excuse for what he did.  You have to tell your mother everything so she can make up her mind based on all the information.”

Pink was right.  I shouldn’t have let it get that far.  

“I have always blamed myself.  I felt it was something in me that made my father do what he did.  I couldn’t tell anyone that.  Everything he did and what came after felt like it was all my fault.  I’ve never dealt with any of it.  Living with my mother in the avocado house was removed enough that I didn’t have to see my father or even think about what happened.  Maybe if I’d told Roger then maybe he’d have stayed with us and there’d have been no motorcycle and he’d still be alive.”

“You can’t blame yourself, Pippa.  I didn’t understand before but I do now.  You’ve been running away from things for a long time.  Let me help you with this.  If you want, I can go with you for support when you tell your mother.”

“As Steve Wilson?” I asked.  “Don’t you remember, she doesn’t know you as Jeff Carter?  And what do I tell her about you?  Do I introduce you as a friend or a fiancé I left at the altar?  I know you’re right Pink but this is something I have to do myself.”

“What about Quebec City?  Maybe you don’t need to go there after you talk to your mother.”

“No Pink, my mind’s made up on Quebec.  I need to go there for other reasons.  I have to let my mother figure out things for herself.  I’ll tell her the truth but I can’t help her.  If she wasn’t overprotective before then she’ll move into battle mode and won’t let me out of her sight or let anyone get close to me ever again.  I need my independence for this next bit.  There are still things I need to figure out.”

“So I’m back to the question of what about us,” Pink replied.

“I can’t answer that Pink.  I need to figure out me and you need to sort out your future.  I know you’ve got plans.  You want to write or teach.  I don’t want to get in the way of that.  While I’m off in Quebec you have to get things back on track for your future.”

“Without you, you mean?”  His eyes were cooling again.  I think he was beginning to accept everything but he wasn’t happy about it.

“For now, Pink.  This isn’t the first time I’ve told you to give me time but it’s the first time I’m finally going to take that time myself.  It’s only a year and nothing will change how I feel about you.”

“Nothing’s going to change how I feel either,” he replied.  “I don’t get most of this Pippa but then there’s nothing I can do about it.  I love you and if you think going to Quebec City is going to fix you or heal you or whatever, I’ll have to live with it.  I’ll be miserable the whole time but I’ve lived without you before and I got through it.  Just promise me you’ll come back.”

“I can’t make any promises Pink.  If you ask me to come back to you then I might say yes but that would be wrong.  I’d spend the whole time thinking of you and not dealing with my own issues.  I have to learn to live without you.  I don’t know if that means forever or not.  Don’t dwell on me but don’t forget me.  Let’s just see what happens.”

“I could never forget you, Pippa.”

“I’ll never forget you Pink.”

There wasn’t much else for us to say after that.  We hugged one last time and we said goodbye to each other between our weeping.  I asked him to stay at the apartment and say my thanks to Rod and Rhonda.  

Two weeks later I was on my way to Quebec City.

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