Chapter 100: Chapter Ninety-Nine: Data Gathered

Having firmly shut herself back in the alchemy room, Qube immediately immersed herself in making more potions, only coming back to reality when she ran out of ingredients. Oh, that’s right! She needed to go check on the greenhouse!

 

Re-entering the greenhouse, Qube could see that all the ingredients she’d harvested had already grown back. Quickly harvesting them, she left the wonderland of flora to go check with the Chosen One exactly how many mana potions he actually wanted her to make. 

 

Entering the corridor, she saw the bedroom door close again. Wait, what was happening? Was the Chosen One having another private conversation with Sexy Screamy Spider Lady? Was he testing her again?

 

“What is it you wished to discuss?”

 

That was Definitely Bad Guy! Was he having a private conversation with Sexy Screamy Spider Lady in the Chosen One’s bedroom?

 

“First,” the Chosen One said, “have you thought any more about that conversation we had?”

 

Wait, the Chosen One was having a private conversation with Definitely Bad Guy? Qube frowned as the Chosen One’s statement sank in. The Chosen One and Definitely Bad Guy had been talking? The only one-on-one conversation she could remember the Chosen One having with Definitely Bad Guy was in her dreams.

Wait, that didn’t sound right.

 

It made her feel strange to think of the Chosen One and Definitely Bad Guy having conversations she didn’t know about. Unlike this current one, which she wasn’t supposed to know about, but had accidentally stumbled upon and was in the process of eavesdropping on.

 

How many secret bedroom conversations had she missed?

 

“I think about many things, Glorious Leader,” the Mage Advisor said in an even tone. Qube heard the Chosen One snort.

 

“Yeah, whatever. Look, we have two temples left, so your time is running out. That last place was super on the nose, but they were right. You have a choice. At least, I’m pretty sure you do. That’s part of the reason I want to ask you these questions, to see if you’re even capable of being broken.”

 

Qube rubbed her forehead, trying to sort out what the Chosen One had just said. Sometimes, it honestly sounded like he was just saying a bunch of gibberish.

 

“So, question time: What goals did you have for after we finish the quest?”

 

The Hero was testing his companions! Obviously. he’d known that he needed to test Qube first, but for some reason he’d decided to test the others too. Was he worried about her influencing them to become special too?

 

“If I may,” Definitely Bad Guy said in the same bland voice. “I believe my plans were the crux of our conversation last time. I fail to see how this is a new topic.”

 

Even from the corridor, Qube could hear the Chosen One’s exasperated sigh.

 

“Are you all going to be like this?” he muttered. “Fine. Fine. Do you have any interests that aren’t entirely related to the main quest or your personal quest? Even if it’s semi-related, that still counts.”

 

“What do you define as a personal quest?” The Mage’s voice was silky. 

 

“I dunno, whatever your loyalty quest is?”

 

“What is a loyalty quest?”

 

“That thing you give me when you trust me!”

 

“Of course I trust you, Glorious Leader.”

 

“No you don’t; if you trusted me, you’d have given me your quest already! Unless you’re not supposed to do an about-face? But you’re clearly supposed to change sides!”

 

There was silence as Definitely Bad Guy (and Qube) tried to parse what the Chosen One was saying.

 

“So you believe that, because I have not charged you with completing some task that benefits only myself, I may not be on your side?” Definitely Bad Guy said at last. “Perhaps I merely respect the urgency of our mission.”

 

“There you lot go again with the urgency! Nobody’s said it’s urgent. Why do you guys think that? Did you come up with that yourselves or what?”

 

“One would imagine that the fate of the kingdom to be a matter of some timeliness,” the Mage replied.

 

“Oh, for crying out loud. Why are you so [fiddling] smug all the time? It’s like they went out of their way to make your face as punchable as possible!”

 

“I apologise if my face offends you —”

 

“[By the Words] just go back to the living room. I seriously can’t cope with you right now.”

 

Before she could duck back into the alchemy room, the Chosen One flung open the bedroom door. It was hard to say which of them were more surprised. She’d also never seen him look quite so annoyed.

 

“I was just coming to tell you I’ve finished making about a dozen mana potions,” Qube said quickly. The Chosen One visibly tried to look less irritated. “It only seems to take a few potions for the ingredients to grow back.”

 

She hadn’t actually tested exactly how long it took, but she figured a few potions’ worth of time was a safe enough bet.

 

“Cool, thanks,” the Chosen One said. He walked past her and into the living room, where Sewer Bard was strumming his lute and Sexy Screamy Spider Lady was bouncing.

 

“Hey, Sewer Bard,” the Chosen One said. “You got any goals aside from the mission or your Bard knowledge stuff?”

 

The Bard blinked at him.

 

“Come on, I wanna just get all the answers and then get some sleep,” the Chosen One said.

 

“Um, Chosen One, there’s only one bed… do we… share?” Qube asked awkwardly.

 

“No, I mean... forget about it,” the Chosen One said, waving off Qube’s comment. “Worry about that later. Sewer Bard, answer the question.”

 

“My only desire is to be of service, Noble Patron,” Sewer Bard said, sweeping the Chosen One a magnificent bow. “To both yourself, and to all those delicate flowers who rely upon us to protect them.”

 

Qube really, really hoped that Sewer Bard wasn’t referring to anyone in the party as a “delicate flower.”

Sewer Bard looked right at Sexy Screamy Spider Lady and Qube as he surfaced from his bow.

 

He was. 

 

As the Chosen One would say… gross.

 

Sexy Screamy Spider Lady tossed back her long brown hair with a defiant flick.

 

“I may look delicate, my musical amore —” she broke off in confusion as she remembered she was a giant cursed spider with children’s faces stitched on, “— but I assure you,” she continued bravely, “no matter how I look, there’s nothing I can’t handle.”

 

“This only makes my desire to protect you even stronger,” Sewer Bard declared earnestly.

 

“I’m going to vomit,” the Chosen One groaned. Qube looked at him, panicked. He immediately sighed. “Not literally,” he said, sounding tired.

 

“Is everything all right, Chosen One?” Qube asked quietly.

 

“Yeah, I just need to rest,” he replied. “I’m gonna go hit up the ol’ blue ball.”

 

“Why are you hitting the Save Point?” Qube asked. “Normally you just pass your hand through it.”

 

The Chosen One gave a tired laugh, then went out the front of the house, where there was a Save Point. He didn’t hit it at all; instead he waved his hand through it like he usually did. Instantly his back straightened, his eyes brightened, and the exhaustion seemed to just slide off him. He turned and looked at Qube.

 

“Hey, hey,” he said cheerfully. “What’s happening?”

“You always seem remarkably refreshed after you interact with the Save Point,” Qube pointed out. “Does communing with the devs, even for such a brief period of time, revitalise you?”

 

The Chosen One tilted his head.

 

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“I guess so?” he said uncertainly. “Think of it more like… time moves differently there, so I actually managed to get some rest. Things have been pretty rough for me lately, so, as fun as questing is, I can get kinda worn out.”

 

“Moves differently there,” Qube echoed. “So it’s somewhere else.” The Chosen One froze in place, like he’d been caught with his hand in the jam jar. Or, well, like how a normal person would look when caught, rather than how the Hero actually reacted, which was with brazen indifference. 

 

“So the Save Point is like a portal to the devs’ domain?” Qube finished. The Chosen One relaxed.

 

“Yeah,” he said. “Kinda like that. I can’t really explain it, but yeah, it’s like a domain that they live on that’s separate from here.”

 

Qube clicked her fingers.

 

“That explains how one of them was able to possess your form so easily!” she said. “You were actually in their domain!”

 

“Yeah...” the Chosen One trailed off. “Hey,” he said abruptly. Qube looked at him. “Does it bother you, that I —” he broke off, clearly trying to find the right words. “Does it ever bother you that I can’t really explain things about the devs, and stuff?”

 

Qube turned his question over in her mind a few times.

 

“If I thought it was because you didn’t trust me, then yes,” she said eventually. “I wouldn’t expect the devs to trust me — they don’t really know me — but you’re my closest friend. If you didn’t trust me with information, then yes, that would bother me.” She smiled at him. “But I know that the only reason you don’t explain some things is because you can’t, either because it would cause problems or it’s just not something that can be explained. After all, you’re my best friend!”

 

The Chosen One, rather than being reassured by her speech, looked even more thoughtful.

 

“It’s kinda weird but… I think you’re my friend, too,” he said slowly. Qube looked at him.

 

“Well, yes, that makes sense, we’ve been friends since childhood,” she said.

 

“No, I mean, like —”

 

“Honestly, it would be much weirder if I wasn’t your best friend,” Qube continued.

 

“Okay, yeah, true, here —” the Chosen One struggled to articulate.

 

“After all, that’s why I’m your guiding light,” Qube finished.

 

“Stop ruining the moment!” the Chosen One shouted, throwing his hands up in the air. “We were having a moment! It was nice! I was being nice! Why did I try being nice?!”

 

Qube, giving a grin that the Chosen One would have been proud of, reached forward and hugged the startled Hero.

 

“Thank you,” she said simply. The Chosen One abandoned his huff, and wrapped his arms around her. Then, suddenly, still hugging her, he lifted her off the ground and started walking back into the house. Qube squeaked.

 

“Come on!” he said, back to his normal, cheerful self. “Time for you to go make me some more money!”

 

--- 

 

Having wildly impressed the Chosen One with her prolificness in potion making, Qube was surprised when, rather than immediately setting off for Mr. Igma’s shop, the Hero instead wandered into the living room. 

 

“Hey, you,” he said to Sexy Screamy Spider Lady. “Do you know what’s going to be in the trial?”

 

“The secrets of the trial are closely guarded,'' the Hunter replied. “I know only that it is deadly.”

 

“Is it closer to a ‘you have to answer questions about the laws, give a good speech, and mediate a dispute about water rights’ kind of trial, or more of a ‘go kill a bunch of monsters in an enclosed space’ trial?” he asked.

 

Sexy Screamy Spider Lady frowned as she searched her memory. “My parents have never discussed anything about water rights,” she said thoughtfully. “But they have spent many years training me in combat.” 

 

“So you don’t need to know anything about running a country in order to be in charge,'' the Chosen One said, shaking his head. “Sounds stable. So, what, you do the trial and you become the leader?”

 

“Yes, my dear,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady said patiently. “Although I will naturally not claim the crown until after my father has passed.”

 

“So no one else is going to the trial then. Cuz otherwise they would potentially overthrow your results.”

 

“I don’t understand,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady said.

 

“Well if this trial is supposed to be fair, then anyone can take it, right?” the Hero said, carefully watching the Hunter’s reaction.

 

“Of course!” she replied. “The rulers of the Forbidden Forest wish to avoid creating a royal dynasty that survives only because of who you were born to. Any wood elf has the chance to prove themselves as the best leader for our people.”

 

“Right,” the Chosen One said. “Which means that other people must have taken the trial. Or, if you don’t get it until after your parents die, they could take it after you. Which means…?” he trailed off and looked at Sexy Screamy Spider Lady hopefully.

 

All of Sexy Screamy Spider Lady’s faces were frowning.

 

“Even if I win the trial, my crown is not secure?” she hazarded a guess. The Chosen One looked mildly disappointed.

 

“Close enough,” he said, and sighed.

 

Qube mentally snorted at the Chosen One’s naivety. All this talk about knowing rights (as if a ruler needed to know about such a thing!), or other random citizens having a chance to be rulers — he really was too, too innocent.

 

The wood elf leaders had clearly designed the trial to be a test to see which of their children would make the best leader. No normal Good person would ever dare try to rise so far above their station, and so naturally, the only ones who would even attempt the trials would be the Forbidden Forest’s equivalent of princes and princesses. 

 

Qube wasn’t sure why they’d told Sexy Screamy Spider Lady that it was to avoid creating royal dynasties, but she suspected it was their attempt to avoid her feeling like she didn’t have to try very hard just because she was their only child.

 

Possibly. Actually, Qube wasn’t sure if the Hunter had any siblings. Hopefully she didn’t have any really young brothers or sisters, or else defeating them to put her friend in power would feel slightly less than Good.

 

But Qube knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that Sexy Screamy Spider Lady would win this trial.

 

After all, she was royalty.

 

“Well, if it’s in the forest, we’re gonna need fire, so make sure you’re stocked up on mana potions,” the Chosen one said to Definitely Bad Guy. “We have a bunch. Try not to use them all at once.”

 

“Does the trial for Head Guard occur at the same time?” Sewer Bard, who had been remarkably quiet up until this point, asked Sexy Screamy Spider Lady.

 

“Yes,” she said. Several expressions chased across the Chosen One’s face. Interest, disgust, and finally resignation. 

 

“Oh yeah,”  he said in a defeated tone. “I forgot about that. They probably have unique loot, don’t they?”

 

Sexy Screamy Spider Lady shot him a look. 

 

“If you decide to go for the position of Head Guard, I won’t be able to assist you,” she said mournfully. “No matter what our personal feelings towards each other, I will have to remain impartial.” 

 

“Yup that’s fine,” the Chosen One said quickly. “In fact, we probably shouldn’t mention our feelings at all. You know. Stop the results from being biased.”

 

Sexy Screamy Spider Lady nodded. “That does make sense, my most practical lover,” she cooed.

 

“Again. No references,” the Chosen One reminded her. 

 

“So harsh!” she said, poking out her bottom fangs in a fake pout. “But very well. From now on we shall act as if we are just fellow party members.” She wagged a claw at the Chosen One. “That means no more romantic declarations. Not that I’ll blame you if you find you can’t help yourself.“

 

The Chosen One rolled his eyes.

 

“Someone go get Squiggles out of the kitchen,” he ordered. “It’s time to put a spider on the throne!”

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