Chapter 101: Chapter One Hundred: Trial Initiation

Standing in the wood elf village in the Forbidden Forest, Qube was starting to suspect that the villagers just didn’t want to rebuild their village. They’d made absolutely no progress whatsoever! It had been at least a week, possibly even a month, since the party had last visited, and in that time they hadn’t even patched a single hole in a single wall!

 

As a wood elf carrying a bucket of paint rushed by, it took all of Qube’s considerable self control to not ask the others to stop the would-be painter and demand to know what, exactly, they were planning to paint.

 

Having now experienced the super efficient construction industry that was Mr. Igma, Qube found she had no patience at all for the unfinished nature of the village.

 

Before she could express her less-than-flattering thoughts about the work ethics of the wood elves, the Chosen One walked up to Ruler Wefton, the leader of the wood elves, who was still seated on his throne of twisted thorns.

 

For the first time, Qube wondered if that was where he spent all his time. Did all royalty spend their days just sitting on uncomfortable thrones? Surely they went around and did other things? He couldn't just spend all day, every day sitting in a throne with absolutely nothing around him; he would go mad from boredom. Unless this was some kind of special royal ability?

 

“Well met,” the King in all but name said to the Chosen One and Sexy Screamy Spider Lady. The Chosen One, after a wistful look at the thorn crown he’d been unable to remove from the king’s head last time, indicated for Sexy Screamy Spider Lady to step forward.

 

The Hunter gave the same complicated cursty she’d given last time. It was exceedingly difficult to watch, given how many parts of her entered and exited other limbs.

 

They had passed the Dryad Queen’s grove on their way to the Forbidden Forest. Qube had considered drawing their attention to it, but the Chosen One had been in the middle of trying to get Sexy Screamy Spider Lady to ride on Scaley-waley and generally over-exciting both the Hunter and the wyvern. And, even though Qube knew it was her duty to remind him that they meant to visit the Dryad Queen to look at getting the Hunter’s curse removed, she just…

 

Didn’t speak.

 

She kept silent as they walked past it, and even when, on reaching the entrance to the Forbidden Forest, the Chosen One had slapped his forehead and exclaimed that he had totally forgotten to go talk to the Dryad Queen, she hadn’t encouraged him to return.

 

Instead she’d pointed out that the Trial was important, and they could go to the Dryad Queen afterwards. He’d accepted that, as he did almost all of her guidance, as she knew he would.

 

The truth was, she was afraid of the Dryad Queen. If the Chosen One hadn’t intervened last time, Qube didn’t know whether or not she would have survived the Dryad Queen’s wrath. So, while she of course would never interfere with Sexy Screamy Spider Lady’s journey, she would be lying if she said that a part of her didn’t hope that they would find the solution in the Trials, and not need to go to that grove.

 

She couldn’t even blame the Dryad Queen for being angry at her. Qube had (unknowingly, true) done a terrible thing not only to the Queen, but to her people as well, by infecting them with part of her curse. And, while she knew the Chosen One would protect her, when she thought of those bright green eyes and those sharp, wooden fangs bared in a very unfriendly smile...

 

“Our daughter has returned to us to complete her Trials,” the Head Guard, Alash, loudly announced, making Qube jump as she was brought back into the present. The Chosen One looked at her, raising his eyebrows in an unspoken question. She smiled reassuringly at him.

 

“Let all who have been chosen to make up the Trial take their positions!” Alash continued. “The contender for the Thorny Crown stands before us! Are there any who would be named Head Guard?”

 

The Chosen One sighed but, before he could step forward, a voice rang out.

 

“Can any person attempt the Trial to become Head Guard?”

 

Slowly, achingly slowly, the Chosen One turned and looked at the man who had spoken out.

 

“What?” he asked eloquently.

 

Sewer Bard, looking unashamed at having caused a scene, stepped forward.

 

“I merely asked if it was possible for another to make an attempt,” he said. His face held the same smooth, polite expression that it had worn back in the Shadow Temple. “Or if it was only available to someone nominated by the one competing for the Thorny Crown.”

 

The Chosen One continued staring at the Bard in total silence. Sewer Bard, displaying none of the nervousness Qube would have felt at interrupting such an important moment, turned and bowed first at the royal couple, then at Sexy Screamy Spider Lady.

 

“I apologise if my request has caused distress. It was not my intention.”

 

“Do you… do you want to try to become the Head Guard?” the Chosen One asked.

 

“Not if it would cause my lady to become upset,” Sewer Bard said.

 

Everyone turned and looked at Sexy Screamy Spider Lady who, for once in her life, was speechless.

 

“She doesn’t seem upset,” the Chosen One said. The Hero, unlike what Qube would have thought, didn’t seem at all angered by Sewer Bard trying to take his quest. Instead, he was practically vibrating. “You’re okay with this, right?” he pressed the Hunter.

 

“I — of course, anyone is free to become the Head Guard. That is how we avoid a dynasty —” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady started.

 

“Great!” the Chosen One said, grinning madly. He spun back to Sewer Bard, who stiffened, as if anticipating a blow.

 

Uh oh. Qube recognised that gleam in the Chosen One’s eyes. 

 

“This is going to be amazing,” he told Sewer Bard. “I can’t even imagine how this is going to mess things up. And the best part is you’re the one who came up with it. Inserting yourself into someone else’s personal quest! I love it!”

 

Sewer Bard was now looking a lot less certain than he had before. His mask of polite diplomacy had started to slip into one of sheer confusion.

 

“Noble Patron, you’re not angry that I will be competing with you?” he asked.

 

“Competing with me? Oh no, no, no. I could never compete with such a dear, dear friend,” the Chosen One laughed. He slung an arm around the Bard’s shoulders. “This is all you, pal. This is your time to shine. The only one applying to become Head Guard is you.”

 

Releasing Sewer Bard, he practically pirouetted in place to face Sexy Screamy Spider Lady. He threw out an arm, as if to also put it on her shoulder like he just had with Sewer Bard, then paused in confusion as he tried to figure out what part of her thorax was the best place to start.

 

“You don’t mind, do you?” he asked, still gleeful. “It’s just, I need to give our fellow party member a hundred percent of my support, and I can’t do that if I’m competing against him! This is the only way I can support him.” He gave the Hunter his most engaging smile.

 

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Sexy Screamy Spider Lady was looking at the Chosen One as if she had never really seen him before.

 

“I don’t mind,” she said eventually. “The position of Head Guard is open to all.”

 

“Excellent,” the Chosen One said, pushing a now very disoriented Sewer Bard forward. “All right, let’s get this thing started!”

 

“A contender for the Thorny Crown and her Head Guard have stepped forward!” Head Guard Alash suddenly announced. “Let the Trial begin!”

 

“A ruler must know their people,” Ruler Wefton said suddenly. “You have until the sun goes down to help three of your future people. Complete their tasks to their satisfaction, and return to us with proof.”

 

“Hey, they did actually incorporate stuff about ruling people,” the Chosen One said, impressed.

 

“During this time, you are forbidden from raising a weapon. A ruler must be approachable. Your Head Guard will be charged with protecting you from any threat.”

 

“Okay, that sounds ominous,” the Chosen One suddenly sounded mildly concerned. “Keep your tiny sword handy, I guess,” he said to Sewer Bard.

 

“My rapier is always ready,” Sewer Bard replied.

 

“Right, it’s helping time!” the Chosen One said. Qube was practically ready to explode — she was finally going to experience what it was like to be royalty!

 

---

 

“Please get my Snugglepuss down from that tree,” the elderly wood elf requested. 

 

Qube suppressed a sigh. The first Trial-quest had been getting an amulet out of a spider web. That at least had been somewhat exciting when a swarm of baby spiders had launched themselves at the Chosen One, who had immediately been set on fire by Definitely Bad Guy. Sewer Bard had ended up stabbing the mother spider, which made Qube feel very unheroic, and Sexy Screamy Spider Lady had triumphantly returned the amulet to a young wood elf who would have been perfectly able to get it themselves.

 

The second task had been going into a basement to get a casket of apple juice, and then a bunch of rats had thrown themselves at the Chosen One. Once again he was set on fire by the Mage to “help kill the enemies” before Sewer Bard killed the giant mother rat. Sexy Screamy Spider Lady had delivered the cask to a group of very grateful, very wobbly, wood elves.

 

Qube just really hoped that a bunch of kittens didn’t attack the Chosen One and force them to kill yet another mother. It was starting to make her feel quite guilty.

 

“With pleasure,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady said to the old wood elf. Given the extended lifespans of elves, Qube couldn’t even begin to fathom just how old this elder must have been.

 

“This way,” the Chosen One said, leading them through the heart of the village, where everyone was still pretending to rebuild, and then to the outskirts. He pointed up one of the jungle trees. “There it is.”

 

Sure enough, up in the tree, there was a giant ginger cat, alternating between plaintive meows and furious hissing.

 

Qube was astonished. “How did you know exactly where Snugglepuss was?’ she asked the Hero, stars in her eyes.

 

“Um,” the Chosen One said. But, before he could explain, Sexy Screamy Spider Lady started climbing the tree.

 

“Here Snugglepuss,” she said, her claws digging into the trunk. “Come to mamma.”

 

Snugglepuss, in an act of supreme ingratitude, hissed and swiped a paw at Sexy Screamy Spider Lady, before bolting further up the tree. On the furious feline’s ascent, he knocked over a hive full of —

 

“Bees!” the Chosen One screamed, as the swarm made a beeline right for him. “Why? Why do they always come to me?” he continued screaming as Definitely Bad Guy helpfully set the Hero on fire for the third time that day.

 

At some point Qube was going to be able to get a shield up around the Chosen One before Definitely Bad Guy could act. It was almost like the Mage had primed a [Fireball] before anything had even happened. As it was, she gave the disgruntled Hero his third [Lesser Heal] of the Trial, and tried to soothe his nerves.

 

Sewer Bard, in his audition to be Head Guard, slew the beehive, and gracefully caught Sexy Screamy Spider Lady as she (and a highly displeased, tightly held Snugglepuss) dropped to the ground. Somehow, in all the chaos, the Hunter had managed to catch the ungrateful feline.

 

“You’re supposed to be guarding!” Chosen One scolded Sewer Bard as they set off back to the cat’s owner. The Hero had to speak up over Snugglepuss’s yowling. “Why aren’t you getting the swarms before they get me?”

 

“I fear they must recognise your leadership, and so target you, Noble Patron,” Sewer Bard said with a totally straight face. The Chosen One narrowed his eyes.

 

“Why are you all learning to (maybe?) sass me,” he muttered. “Did I teach you lot that? No. I couldn’t have done that. You must have learned it somewhere else.”

 

“We have returned your beloved companion, Elder,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady said, dumping Snugglepuss at the quest-giver’s feet. To Qube’s surprise, Snugglepuss immediately jumped up on top of the wood elf’s head, and started loudly purring.

 

“Thank you, Trial candidate,” the elder replied. “But my quest is not yet finished. It’s Snugglepuss’s birthday, and he needs a present. Please go fetch him his gift from the apothecary.”

 

The Chosen One looked up at the sky, as he often did in times of great distress.

 

“You lot are monsters,” he informed the clouds. “Sick, cruel monsters.”

 

Qube patted him on the shoulder, eyeing the clouds suspiciously.

 

“Don’t worry, Chosen One,” she said reassuringly. “I’ll make sure no swarms get you in the apothecary's.”

 

“Thank you,” he replied weakly, and sighed.

 

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