Chapter 3: 3. The Price of Progress

Just when I thought I was starting to understand my limit, and I felt as if I was starting to get some sort of understanding; reality slams my face right in the dirt.

I fell asleep very quickly last night; even faster than the night before. But unlike yesterday morning, the pain and fatigue of overusing my power hasn't dissipated.

Based on my experience yesterday, I thought that a full night's sleep would mostly replenish my reserves—and heal any pain that accumulated from continued use of my power.

I was wrong. The pain hasn't gone away.

Is it a bit better?—Yes.

Can I at least move now?—Yes.

Do I want to fling myself out the window?—Yes.

Why am I so damn exhausted?—Because you used your power way too much.

Wait—what?

That's it?

No—there must be more. . .

Sigh.

I feel as if somebody took my poor little psychic body—and smashed it's psychic-spine with a psychic-sledgehammer.

That's a phrase I'd have never imaged myself using just a few short days ago, but it's a very apt description of my current situation.

I lie there in utter despair, wondering why this went so badly.

Wasn't I supposed to be getting stronger?

Isn't this what I wanted to happen?

How did things go so horribly wrong, so fast?

Well, one answer comes immediately to mind: I went too far.

My plan had been to push myself like this everyday in order to maximize my power's growth rate, so that I could actually achieve something with it.

But the way I am now, much less helping others, I feel as if I can't even make it through my school day. I've never missed a day of school—regardless of how monotonous or easy it is, I always forced myself to attend so that I kept up my appearance.

I can't help but be reminded of my childhood.

My mother was rarely ever around; the only person that was there for me was her. Rise—probably the single most important person to me in terms of my feelings—and in terms of making me who I am today.

She always said that I could be surprisingly stubborn when I'm dedicated to something. Faced with my current predicament, I don't think I could refute her if I tried.

I don't know why I ever argued against her, she's always right.

I can't help but feel relieved that no one is able to see the hole I've dug myself, or hear my thoughts. Factoring in just how bad the pain and exhaustion is from a night of psychic training, it feels as if changing the world with this power is painfully far away.

My plan was to start doing this kind of training every night when I came home from school, but that definitely isn't sustainable.

With the realization that a night's rest doesn't fully refresh my power, the calculus changes. I'm not going to be able to keep up this kind of training while attending school. At best, I'm going to be able to do half of this training while still attending school.

I can't believe I was actually looking forward to summer vacation starting at the end of this week. I thought I'd be able to just hold myself up in my apartment, be able to push myself training all day, and be refreshed in the morning—an easy path to gain enough power to attempt to fix the world.

Now, the idea of having to endure something like this daily—all summer long, fills me with nothing but dread. I knew that I'd have to face some pain to grow this power. I mean, I know that gaining anything that can make even a slight difference in the world wouldn't come easily. But I didn't know it would be like this.

Seeing what time it is, I realize I have to get ready for school.

I never changed clothes last night or anything. I have to keep up my appearance, so I'm not left with much choice.

Taking a deep breath, I gather the little bit of strength I've managed to recover, and pull myself together.

I grab my bag, and drag myself to the bathroom. I pretty much flop myself in the shower, and try to conserve my energy.

Seeing my reflection, I can't help but be a bit surprised. I thought that I'd look half dead—but surprisingly, outside of by eyes being a bit blood-shot, and being a bit pale, I look pretty much normal.

Right before leaving, I feel that regardless of how painful it may be—I at least have to see if all of this is worth it.

Pulling out my test weights again, I prepare myself.

The pain increases when I'm using my power, but I force myself to see this through to the end.

Finishing my weight test, I'm able to move 22 grams. An increase of 12 grams. Great.

Unlike yesterday, this result doesn't uplift me.

Day one was an increase of 5 grams, a 100% increase. Day two is a similarly impressive increase of 120%. Of course, that number alone bodes well for the future—if I can maintain it. I have no idea if my body—and mind can hold out if I aim for that kind of increase everyday. At the very least, I won't be very functional outside of training if this is the end result.

***

The entire day passes by in a blurry haze.

Jun noticed something was up almost immediately. He stayed glued to me for the entire school day. Ritsuko similarly noticed that I wasn't doing well. And unlike most days, both of them didn't complain once when I slept through class.

I had to lie to both of them that I didn't sleep at all last night, and that I had a migraine all day—which isn't technically a lie.

Today simultaneously felt as if it lasted for a thousand years, and like it passed by in minutes. The exhaustion was overpowering enough that everything seemed to be going on completely disconnected from me.

Jun insisted on walking me all the way home before he made the walk back to his place.

I can't help but feel grateful that he cares, but I also feel guilty for worrying my friends.

***

I already know this is a bad idea. I can't believe I'm even considering doing any training today.

Even though I know it's stupid, and I know I'm being unreasonably stubborn. . . I need to see this through to the end. When I gained this power, I told myself that if it was real, I'd use it to try and change the world. If I start giving up because of some pain, or exhaustion, I'll probably never be able to move forward.

I keep thinking of this power like a part of my body, a muscle. Working out can cause exhaustion, strain, and even pain that makes you want to simply give up; but it at least won't kill you that fast.

I think that I need to force myself to keep going. I don't know why, but it just feels like if I don't—I'll stagnate, and never change anything.

If I stop here, then I might as well have never started this path.

So I force myself to stay awake despite my exhaustion, and continue to train my power.

At first, just trying to manipulate anything causes my psychic muscle to scream in pain. Instead of trying to dive in head first again, I settle on taking things slower: trying to find a balance that I can maintain. I start trying to use my power without having to pick up an object.

I sort of end up just stretching my power out. Not really sure what I should call it. I guess that it's similar to just stretching your body after a hard day's work—after the soreness has set it. It's still uncomfortable to do anything, but this is certainly better than earlier.

I spend a lot of time just doing that. I'm not even trying to lift any objects again. Breathing, and simply stretching my muscle.

I've never been the type of person to be interested enough to try something like yoga. But I image I'm basically doing the same thing. . . Except, I'm not using my physical body.

To my surprise, I can actually feel the pain slowly subside. It's not quick by any means, it's not an immediate relief like taking a weight off your shoulders, but it's definitely something.

As I sort of expected, the pain doesn't disappear entirely, but it does decrease significantly.

It takes me about another hour until I feel confident enough to try lifting something. But, just as I feel like I can make an attempt at lifting something, it feels as if my stamina points are running low. Unlike the previous nights, I decide to try a different strategy this time around.

I lie down in bed, and sort of just meditate while focusing on the presence of my mental body. I'm not putting in any power, or trying to accomplish anything, I'm just feeling out the limits of my psychic muscle. I'm just sort of feeling it's shape—it's form. I'm currently not trying to manipulate it in any way, I'm just feeling it existing alongside me.

I think that I fall asleep at some point, but not for very long. Either way though, I feel considerably better, almost shockingly so. The pain has diminished to the point that it's nothing more than a dull ache, and the exhaustion has finally dispersed. Mostly.

It's such an odd thing to describe, but it feels like the fog that has been clouding both my mind, and my psychic power has evaporated. That sensation is strangely comforting.

"Mmmmfuuh" I finally sit up while stretching both my body, and my psychic muscle. "That felt great."

I feel energized, and even somewhat excited. Even though I haven't done anything, I feel like I accomplished something amazing.

My mind finally feels clear again. While debating what to do next, I'm suddenly reminded of the fact that our finals are the day after tomorrow.

Eh.

Jun and Ritsuko will probably kill me if they discovered the ideas going through my head right now. Both of them are probably studying by themselves after spending all their time after school with their tutors.

Oh right.

Jun walked me home from school today even though he has tutoring after school.

I've never had an issue with tests, and I've always achieved the number one spot for our class every year, almost regardless of how much I study. I'm already confident about knowing everything that will be on our tests this year.

Alright, I know what I have to do.

I'm still going to spend time increasing the strength of my power, but, I can't just leave Jun hanging after he was worried enough about me that he felt the need to walk me home.

I settle on the following plan: I'll create a composite file with all of the information that should be on the finals, with the purpose of giving it to Jun, and probably Ritsuko as well. I'll also help Jun study tomorrow to make up for infringing on him so much.

And once that's done, I'll do a reasonable amount of strength training using my power.

It takes me a few hours to gather study materials for Jun, but once that's done, I'm free to focus on strength training again.

At least until summer vacation arrives, and my obligation to attend school is gone, I have no choice but to limit myself when training more. I can't afford to allow my training to put me in that kind of condition.

My friends really may try to force me to go to the doctor if today becomes a regular occurence.

I settle for doing about 40% of the training I did last night.

I also make sure to take more time to sort of meditate, and just allow my psychic muscle to rest more often. I'm not sure if I'm being overly optimistic or not—but if I stay at this pace, it shouldn't take too much time to recover my "MP," and it shouldn't leave me with debilitating side effects.

***

The next morning is fairly standard. I wake up without feeling exhausted, or in pain.

This is certainly an improvement.

After taking some basic measurements of my body's health—again, nothing stands out. Based on the measurements I've taken, I have a body that is perfectly healthy for my age, and there's certainly nothing that stands out as being changed by my power.

Testing out my strength this morning is a bit disappointing compared to my growth the previous two days. I'm able to move a total of 33 grams using my power, an increase of about 50%. So far, the strength of my power started at a maximum of just 5 grams the first day, then grew to 10, 22, and now 33 grams.

Although the growth in strength today isn't an increase of 100% or higher, I really can't feel that awful about it. That's primarily due to the fact that I'm not facing any sort of major side effects today, and I feel as if this is much more sustainable.

Meeting Jun this morning though, is quite different from usual.

He looks as if the entire world is coming to an end. His normally bright eyes seem dark, and depressed.

I really hope I didn't somehow cause this.

"Hey Jun. How're you holding up?"

I ask hesitantly, afraid that I may have caused him trouble by asking.

His expression remains unchanged. As soon as I finish speaking, he turns towards me.

"You were late! Again!" He yells at me without hesitation.

This is certainly new. Normally, he always acts polite towards me—even overly friendly. 

I at first believe that I may have forced him to wait on me.

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Except I'm not late. I even check the time again to make sure, but we're both here early.

Before I can reply, Jun sighs heavily.

"I-I'm sorry. I know you're not late. My family told me last night that they changed our plans for the entire summer."

What? What does that mean?

For years, we've spent pretty much our entire summer vacation just moving between each other's houses, and hanging out everyday.

"Okay—Calm Down. Just tell me what's going on, you look like the world's ending."

Jun's face relaxes slightly, but he seems reluctant to talk.

"We're going to visit relatives overseas. They live in the European Federation, and we're going to be spending the entire summer there."

"Since when do you even have relatives that live there—And what relatives are close enough to your family that you're going to spend three months with them?" I ask incredulously.

"Apparently my father is working on some business deal. And to make it work, they need the approval and friendship of the European Aristocracy."

"Wait... You're kidding right?" I say, looking at Jun.

For a second I thought maybe he was joking—But his expression says otherwise. I now understand why he looked so depressed.

"No. We're leaving this weekend, as soon as finals are over, and school is let out."

Well shit. If that's the case, there's probably no getting out of it.

I wanted to spend this summer focused on training my power—but I still wanted Jun to be around.

I really hate seeing him like this.

"Listen, Jun. Just relax okay? It's not the end of the world, we'll still be able to talk to each other—and maybe you'll make some friends while you're there."

Jun looks away, refusing to meet my gaze anymore. He shakes his head, before turning back to me.

"They said that we wouldn't be returning until September. September! Which means that we won't even get to see each other for at least 3 whole months!"

Three months.

I feel awful even thinking about it, but that would give me alone time to throw myself into training. I don't really want him to go, but it seems I won't have a say in the matter regardless.

I want to reassure him that everything will be okay, that he doesn't need to worry, but I don't know if it would make him feel worse.

Instead, I offer up the best advice I could come up with.

"Just try to enjoy yourself. I mean, it's only three months—we spend everyday together. And besides, everything will go back to normal when you get back. Maybe you can find someone nice while you're there."

There's a momentary silence between us.

Then he speaks.

"Yeah... I guess you're right."

He sounds so defeated, and sad.

I really wish there was something else I could say to cheer him up, part of me knows that what I've said isn't enough. I end up settling on trying to change the subject, and take his mind off it.

"Anyways, I wanted to thank you for looking after me yesterday—and apologize for worrying you so much. I must've just caught an illness or something." I try to act as upbeat as I can—if only to reassure him.

Jun smiles faintly.

"Don't worry about it. I'm glad you're better today, I know you'd do the same thing for me."

I smile softly in return, relieved that he seems happier now.

"By the way, I know how hard you've been studying, so as an apology I made this: it should have all the info that will be on the finals, and I'll help you study to make up for yesterday."

I transfer the files to Jun's device.

He looks surprised.

"Wow, thanks Fate. This is perfect!"

He quickly opens the information, and begins reading through it.

***

Very little happens during school—nothing out of the ordinary. Besides helping Jun and Ritsuko study, nothing even slightly noteworthy happens.

Anytime Jun leaving is brought up, he still becomes quite depressed. But I've been attempting to assure him that he'll be fine, and that I'll be fine without him for one summer. He seems to take my words more seriously, but he still seems quite miserable.

The only other thing even remotely worth mentioning is that Ritsuko and I agree to have a small send-off for Jun before he leaves. Since we're all going to be busy preparing for our exams tonight, and Jun's leaving the day after, we decide to hold our send-off tomorrow, after finals are over with.

As expected, Jun gets upset upon hearing about his farewell party. At this point, however, I think he's resigned himself to it. He tries to hide his disappointment, but I notice that he seems a lot less stressed compared to earlier today.

***

Having finally returned home, I decide that I'll spend some time doing a little strength training with my power before studying.

I'm still able to move right around 30 grams without too much strain.

So, I spend around half an hour using my power to first pick up the weight, drop it in the corner of my room, walk to the opposite corner of my room, and bring it to me again.

It's the most mind numbing training imaginable.

 

Realizing I'm beginning to feel just slightly drained, I decide to call it quits since I still have to study.

I have to maintain appearances after all.

I'm fully confident in my knowledge for tomorrow, but I've always maintained my position of first place in class. In order to ensure that nothing seems out of the ordinary, I have to place first again.

***

Having spent a couple hours studying, I feel that I've memorized everything necessary.

Finally.

I stand up and stretch both my body, and psychic body, while letting out a deep sigh.

It's not a good idea to risk overdoing it tonight, but I can definitely accomplish some training tonight.

During my training, almost from the very start, there's one problem that's been going through my mind.

When I first awakened this power, and I first used it, I didn't pull anything towards me. I imaged that dust being brushed away, being pushed away.

I haven't been able to replicate that.

I've attempted to recreate those exact circumstances, with the purpose of learning a new way of using this power. But so far, I've failed every single time.

To be completely honest, I'm starting to doubt if this power even has the ability to push objects away. Or perhaps it's just that I haven't figured out how to use it properly.

So tonight, I'm not going to just repeat the same exact strength training.

Up until now, I've been using either my hand or body as a sort of center—a target for objects I manipulate. Yesterday, I learned more about what this psychic muscle really feels like, and I'll attempt to use what I learned to make more progress.

I start off slow by just picking up 5 grams, and bringing it to my palm. Once it's there, I try to just keep it still, keep it suspended in the air.

So far so good.

While holding it with my power, I start looking around my room for something, some kind of target—a new center to use.

I notice my garbage bin sitting slightly adjacent to my door.

From here, it's a slow process. I've only ever used my power to grab onto objects, and then pull them towards me, never the opposite. So I try to simply reverse that sensation.

The first 3 attempts give me no progress. Before I can accomplish anything, I end up losing control, and having the weight drop into my hand.

On the fourth attempt though, I decide to try a different approach.

It's slow-going at first, but instead of trying to simply "push" the object at a "target," I instead use my psychic muscle to grab onto the weight and try extending it towards the target.

Nothings happening.

I guess there's a tougher limit on this power than I thought.

But I want to give this one last try.

Just when I'm starting to give up hope, I try to combine those two ideas.

Fwoosh.

I think I may have put a bit too much power in, because when it works—it works.

The weight is launched straight at the target I imaged—faster than I've ever moved an object before.

IT ACTUALLY WORKED.

I'm unable to measure it, but that had to have been at least triple my previous maximum speed.

 

I'm shocked. I can't believe I managed to push—launch something away with my power. I immediately try it again; it still works!

This is like finally opening the door to new possibilities.

I have something I want to try, but I don't have enough space in my room.

Making it to the living room, I bring the weight with me. I repeat my process to push an object, but this time, just when I see and feel the object being pushed—I let go, I release my hold over it.

I wasn't sure exactly what would happen, but the weight manages to keep it's momentum, and it keeps going forward as it drops to the ground.

So—my power is actually capable of transferring kinetic energy into an object, and that energy remains even after my hold of the object is released.

It may seem like a small difference, but up until now, I've been unable to test this. I've only been able to bring objects towards me while maintaining my power's hold on it.

Now that I know this power can work this way, I'm excited to learn more about it.

This certainly adds to my training options.

Once I get the hang of it, it appears to be exactly like pulling an object towards me. So long as I can see where I'm aiming, I can push on object there.

I continue practicing my throwing skill, and my pushing ability for another few minutes, and then I decide to stop for the night.

With a final stretch, I lie down on the sofa, and begin reviewing my notes.

Tomorrow is the big day: finals. After the confidence boost this discovery gave me, I feel better prepared than ever.

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