Chapter 15: [Chapter 11] Yesterday’s Tomorrow

“Hey, Lyca. Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas, Eli! I’m so glad you called.”

“Sorry I didn’t call you sooner.”                

“Aw! Don’t worry about it. I hear things are pretty hectic over there… Vivi told me about Sam. How is he?”

“Still in a coma as far as I know. He’s taking a bit longer than usual.”

“He always did seem like a late bloomer. Think he’s going to be okay?”

“I don’t know. The Arbiters have him under watch and nobody is allowed to see him. They haven’t killed him yet, so I imagine it’s going about as expected.”

“I guess all we can do is wait…”

“Yeah… Listen, about your birthday—”

“You’re not gonna make it, are you?”

“No. I mailed you a gift, though… Lyca?”

“What?”

“Are you crying?”

“Yeah, but it’s whatever. I guess it was too much to expect from you.”

“Look, I—”

“Elliot. Please. If there’s someone else, you can tell me. But there’s something you need to know… Something I wanted you to see for yourself. At least take responsibility.”

❦                     ❦                     ❦

Sam regained consciousness late at night on New Year’s Eve. While his body finished adapting to the excess mana that polluted his being, he was not considered stable and was in and out of consciousness for a couple of days after. It wasn’t until I got a text from him a couple days later that I knew he was awake and well.

When I visited Sam in his hospital room, he was much paler in the face, his hair had become completely blonde, and his eyes became an icy blue—still with a faint glow. His long, sharp ears peeked out from beneath his hair and twitched at the sound of my footsteps as I walked across the room. I sat in a chair between the hospital bed and the window at Sam’s right with him lying before me and scratching at the IV attached to his arm.

Sam’s voice was soft as he spoke, “How do I look, Eli?”

I wanted to be honest about how I felt as I looked him over. “Except for the ears and hair, you’re still somewhat recognizable. Your eyes though, they look almost ethereal… Completely inhuman.”

Sam frowned. “What do you mean?”

I wasn’t sure if I said the right thing. I had to rethink my intentions and tried to joke to ease the tension. “I’m trying to say you don’t look like an abomination… At least no more than you did before.”

Sam’s voice cracked as he tried to laugh. “I guess it’s too much to expect a compliment from you.” He smiled but his eyes had a bleakness to them.

“You’re not in pain, are you?”

“No… just tired. Tired of sleeping and tired of being here. It’s like a personal hell or a nightmare I can’t wake up from.”

“That bad, huh?”

“Hey, you’d be pretty miserable too if you were stuck with my parents all day. They’re loud and impossible to sleep around; they keep asking me questions and trying to look at my body. And Sid just sits in a corner and reads when they’re here. Says the only reason I’m still here is ‘cause my eyes glow—then gets mad at me like I can control it.”

“Are your eyes really that much of an issue?”

“You said it yourself, it’s inhuman. I’m technically an abomination now, even if I seem normal by monster standards. It’s all most humans will ever see me as—including my parents.”

As unfortunate as it was, I knew it to be true. While Sam retained his mind, he still went through the same process that left so many humans in an unrecognizable and berserk state. And while many of those who emerge end up like him, it’s the mistreatment caused by an understandable fear of magic that leads the previous humans further away from humanity. Even the term “elf” was originally an insult before it was reclaimed as part of a group identity—the birth of a new race.

“I don’t think any differently of you,” I said, not knowing what words of encouragement would help him face his new life.

“But you will. Or maybe you won’t… I’m not even sure how I feel about it yet.” Sam shifted in his bed and felt the outline of his body with his free arm. “I have to accept who I am, regardless. I hope you and Vivi will too. The new me. The real me.”

“That’s the spirit.” I got up and pat Sam on the shoulder.

He blushed at the contact and looked away.

“The scars are gone,” he said. “And there’s something else I want you to know…”

“Hm? What?”

Sam silently reached for my hand. “The coinflip.” I held my right hand close to his and he grabbed me by the wrist. He turned on his side away from me and said, “It’s the only way you’ll believe me.” 

He guided my hand along the side of his chest, then down to his stomach. His body was soft and warm; completely lacking in any definition. His movements were slow and gentle, but I could tell that it took all of his strength to guide my hand even lower. I became increasingly concerned for the coming intimacy. “Sam, this isn’t really—” And then felt the inviting warmth of the opposite sex. It was a hell of a way to tell me; but it was his way. And he was right that I wouldn’t have believed him otherwise.

Sam released his grip, and I retracted my hand back to safety.

“You accept me, right?” he asked. “That I’m actually…”

I wasn’t able to look Sam in the eyes. I could tell that he was looking at me expectantly, but whatever reaction he wanted was beyond my capability. The whole situation didn’t make any sense to me, and I had a hard time coming to terms with it in the moment. He was still my friend, of course, but it would be a lie to say that it didn’t change my perception of him—in more ways than one. Fortunately for me, the awkwardness of the situation was quickly dispelled by the sound of someone knocking.

Vivi sheepishly opened the door and looked in. “Sam?” she asked with some hesitation.

He replied, “It’s okay, Vivi. I’m still me.”

Vivi ran over to Sam and practically pounced on the bed to hug him. With tears in her eyes, she wailed, “I’m so sorry about what I said. I kept trying to talk to you, but you never picked up. I even went to your house to see what was going on and your parents told me what happened and I… I’m just so glad you’re alive!”

Sam doubled tapped her on the back to release him, though her hug was unrelenting. “Geez, Vivi.” His eyes welled up a bit. “I’ll die if you hug me any harder.”

The two spoke softly to each other and were practically laying together trying to close the distance in their hearts. Vivi commented on Sam’s smooth body and fondled his ears. Sam tried his best to hide how much he enjoyed it and teased her tail. Their groping soon turned into playing a game together on their handhelds. I quietly left the room to let them have some alone time together and hit the cafeteria since I hadn’t eaten at all that morning out of worry.

❦                     ❦                     ❦

The hospital cafeteria was not much different than the one at school. The wide-open spaces were accommodating for the liminal races despite it not being a hospital specialized for their care. The seats were mostly empty with some human doctors and nurses here and there along with the occasional monster, though they were mainly cafeteria staff. An arachne of the smaller variety was stationed at the counter I ordered at. His spider body was patterned like the jumping spiders I would see hanging outside on the door at home. I ordered a deli sandwich and avoided eye contact since I wasn’t sure which pair of eyes to look at.

I sat a bit away from the other visitors to eat alone, and as I was taking a bite out of my sandwich, I noticed Arbiter Sid giving me a wave with a drink in one hand and carrying a manila folder in the other, still in a black suit and wearing sunglasses.

He approached me and said, “It’s good to see you again, Elliot Lynch.”

“You know my name?”

“Yes. I know quite a bit about you now.” He pulled out a stapled stack of papers from the manila folder and dropped them on the table. “Been a good read to pass the time.” It was clear the files were about me, my name written all over them. He took a sip from his drink, then tossed a loose stack of papers on the table—records of my mother’s work on Project Scarlet. “You’re a lot more interesting than those vampires.”

I felt an awful churning in my stomach. “What do you want?”

Sid took a seat across from me and gathered the papers. He relaxed and casually asked, “Are you interested in joining the Arbiters?”

“No, I—”

“You don’t want to ensure and protect the coexistence of man and monster alike?”

“Well—”

“To create a better future for us all?”

I stared at him and shook my head.

Arbiter Sid frowned. “Can’t say I didn’t ask. I’ll just mark you down as undecided.”

I had a hard time understanding his intentions. “You can’t be serious.”

He let out a slight chuckle. “Rosa made it very clear that you and the girl are off limits.” He extended his arm for a handshake. “I was merely trying to break the ice, as it were.”

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I wasn’t so quick to trust him and refused a handshake.

Sid retracted his hand and scratched his head between his horns. “I suppose I didn’t make the best introduction for myself. No matter. I know that I’m being genuine.”

I looked away, taking a nibble here and there, hoping he’d leave.

“It seems Rosa taught you well; not to talk to Arbiters. I assure you that I’m not here to investigate, interrogate, or inconvenience you in any way. I’ve known Sam for some time, you see, and I just wanted to know the kind of person you are… But it would seem you aren’t exactly a person at all.”

I frowned. “I try to be.”

“It’s hard for you, is it not? The voices. The song. I’ve come to know quite a few chimeras—and all have complained of such things.”

I hunched over. “It’s only bad when I’m alone.”

Sid nodded. “But you are never truly alone.”

“I’m still me.”

“That I do believe. But one has to wonder how much of an actual human is in there, considering the state of the source… A stillborn isn’t exactly much to go off of. A clean slate, maybe. One where you created a new personality… or perhaps taken one from another…” He sighed. “Have you given it much thought?”

“No. I haven’t.” I became frustrated. “Does it even matter?”

“My thoughts are in my own voice.” He smiled and leaned towards me, staring me straight in the eyes, a red glow from behind his sunglasses. “Are yours?”

I scowled and said, “I thought this wasn’t an interrogation.”

Sid sighed and slurped up the last bit of his drink. “Not an interrogation, but an audition.” He condescendingly clapped. “You should definitely become an actor.”

As quick as the words came to my mind, I said. “The only one acting here is you.”

“Hm,” He said as he got up from his seat. “Perhaps you’re more aware of things than I anticipated. Our roles may have changed, but we must still perform.” He chuckled to himself and then walked out of the cafeteria.

I took care to throw away the drink Arbiter Sid left along with the rest of my sandwich as I had lost my appetite. Sam was my biggest concern at that moment, and I didn’t want to be bothered by an arbiter’s cryptic way of speaking. Sam truly is my closest friend, though it’s a different kind of closeness than that of Beth or Lyca. It’s a strange feeling, and the revelation of his true sex did little to help me understand it. I’m still not sure how to address him in my mind. But loitering around wasn’t going to help me understand it any better, though, and so I went on my way back to his hospital room.

❦                     ❦                     ❦

Sam was resting when I entered his room with Vivi already gone. When I got back to my seat by the window, I watched in silence to not disturb Sam, looking him over as his breathing slowly lifted the sheets—the whirring of medical equipment drowned out my thoughts as he slumbered.

With little else to do, I looked out the window and saw Arbiter Sid in the parking lot talking to a cotton-haired woman with fair skin. She was much shorter than him, her hair in bunches with a black rabbit ear headband. She wore a black maid outfit which looked both out of place and out of time. They seemed to be in serious conversation until Arbiter Sid turned in the direction of the window, seemingly staring up at me. The cotton-haired woman also turned her head, revealing her red eyes and causing me to shrink back behind the wall even though she likely couldn’t see through the glass.

It was then that Sam rustled himself awake after hearing me shift the chair across the floor. His eyes slowly opened as he turned to me. “I thought you left,” he said groggily. “You should’ve said something.”

“I wasn’t sure if you were sleeping or not.”

He grumbled. “It’s really starting to get to me.”

“What is?”

“I keep having the same dream.” Sam closed his eyes to think. “It starts with me standing on the ocean shore, watching as people fall headfirst from the sky into the water below. They hit the ocean’s surface… some sinking, others shattering like glass… then I’m falling too. I stare into the abyss below me as I hit the water. I sink deeper and deeper with the others. At first, I feel scared and alone, but then a comforting warmth washes over me in a final embrace. As I fade into darkness, I hear a whisper... then nothing. My own thoughts get drowned out in a sea of voices, some human, others… not so much. It seems discordant at first, but it eventually becomes a song following the movement of the waves. A kind of lullaby that keeps calling me back…”

“A strange dream,” I said. “I wonder if there’s any meaning to it.”

He shook his head. “Doesn’t need to be… I do wonder if that’s what death is like, though. If it is, then I’m okay with dying.”

“Don’t go dying on me yet, Sam. I’ll drag you out of that ocean if I have to.”

Sam made a short chuckle, though it wasn’t enough to break the awkwardness. He kept staring at me, unblinking, and looked discouraged at the sight. I thought maybe there was something on my face from the sandwich and felt around.

Sam averted his gaze. “Sorry, Eli. I didn’t mean to make you self-conscious.”

“Then why keep looking at me like that?”

“I can see mana now—but in your face there’s nothing. I mean you look the same, and yet… it feels so empty to look at you. Why is that?”

“I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m resistant to mana. At least that’s how I understood it when Blinds told me about it.”

Sam closed his eyes and nodded with understanding. “I was terrified about how emergence would turn out for me… about how much would change. I’m glad it’s over now. Seems like I turned out okay. I am a little worried about the ears, though.” He grabbed at his long ears and felt the length. “I hope they aren’t too big.”

I tried to cheer him up with some light ribbing. “You know what they say: the bigger the ears, the bigger the… magic…” The real saying didn’t apply to him anymore.

Sam looked a bit pensive. “I wonder if I’ll be a really good mage.”

I thought over the possibility and said, “Only one way to—”

The door burst open, causing a rush of air as the cotton-haired woman walked through. “Who’s ready to get registered!?” She stared at me with a puzzling expression, a conflicting face of emotion. I stared back. Her eyes, despite their color, had the same empty gaze that Rosa had—a sign she was a mara.

“Arbiter Alice?” Sam asked.

“Yep! Nice to meet you, unregistered minor.” She looked at me, then turned her attention back to Sam. “Are you okay with this thing being here?”

Sam laughed and said, “He can stay. He’s my best friend.”

Alice started to reach into her loose shirt. “Mayhaps he’d like my business card?”

“Uh, sure.” I raised my hand to accept it.

She handed me a white card with a minimalist rabbit imprinted on one side. “Don’t lose it. They’re super hard to make.”

Sam waved. “I’ll take one too.” Alice walked over to Sam and handed him a blank card. He smiled as he gazed at the back of the card. “What a pretty rabbit.” The glow in his eyes flickered as he flipped the card over. He was silent as he read the card, though I couldn’t see any writing.

Alice watched Sam carefully and wrote something down on a clipboard that appeared instantly in her hands. She flipped the sheet over and handed the clipboard to Sam along with a pen. “Please fill out this form as best you can. You can even change your name if you’d like.”

Sam looked the form over and started writing. He looked puzzled at certain spots but then smiled as he figured them out. When he was close to finishing, he pointed at the paper and asked, “Is this okay?”

“It’s fine,” Alice replied. “This is only for a temporary ID, so don’t worry too much about it just yet.”

He handed back the clipboard. “Is this really all it takes?”

She nodded. “For now. You’ll get a permanent ID when you’re better. It requires a physical and iris scan; you’ll also have your picture taken—so dress nice.” After some reading, she signed the form and said, “That should be all for now, Miss Heim. Arbiter Sid will help you with the rest.” Alice looked at me with crazed eyes and a wild smile in passing yet didn’t say anything more, simply leaving the room as her business there was over.

Sam turned to me and said, “Looks like I’m officially an elf now.”

“And a Miss Heim, too,” I added.

Sam blushed while taking care to hide his smile. “Don’t sound so surprised. The only thing I changed was my middle name.”

I gave a puzzled look. “Really? Forgive me for being a bit skeptical, but all this time I thought you were a guy. Everyone did.”

Sam tilted his head. “Would you prefer if I had a dick?”

“No! I mean… why lie, or make a deal of it now?”

Sam hesitated to reply. “Does it really matter to you that much? My heart is the same regardless of its container. I hope that you can set the past aside, or think whatever you need to so that you can accept the current me…”

I didn’t want to offend him, but it did bother me that I didn’t really know for sure. “Are you still going to live as a guy?”

Sam sighed. “Nope. I hated my old body. Now I feel like I can accept who I am for the first time in my whole life. You’re still my friend, right?”

“Yeah. Friends.”

Male or female, he was still my friend—or I suppose her now.

I stayed with Sam until visiting hours were over. We joked about what would happen at school—about the big reveal and how others would handle it. Sam mentioned to me that Arbiter Sid was going to be a big help as I left. And like the Devil himself, Arbiter Sid was standing beside the door outside of the room, watching me as I passed by to leave.

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