Chapter 16: [Chapter 12] Onus of the Heart

When I returned from the hospital, Beth was playing games on the console I got us both for Christmas in the living room. I sat beside her on the couch without saying anything since she seemed occupied with completing whatever mission she was on. She spent a lot of time playing games, more than I thought would be normal, but I was glad that she was spending more time at home than out in the woods.

“You sure took your sweet-ass time,” she said. “Where were you? Did something good happen?”

“The hospital—Sam finished emerging.”

“Oh? How does he look now?”

“Like a proper elf. Blonde hair, blue eyes, fair skin… and also female.”

Beth let out a smug laugh. “Lucky you. Maybe now you can accept that you love him.”

I poked her with my elbow. “Don’t even joke.”

My disturbance caused her to get a game over. “Ugh! Damn it, Eli.” Beth leaned her head back on the couch and threw her arms up in the air. “Why you gotta ruin everything?” She playfully flailed her legs as if to throw a tantrum.

I relaxed on my back and laid my legs on her lap. “You needed a break. You’ve been playing that game nonstop since you got it.”

Beth regained her composure and set the controller aside. “Whatever. I can’t believe it’s already half over.”

“The game?”

“No, school.”

“Yeah… I almost can’t believe it, either.”

Beth touched my leg and rubbed its length. “Let’s make the most of it,” she whispered.

There was a quiet knock on the door. Neither of us noticed it, and so the latch opened itself and the knob turned. Standing at the door was Arbiter Alice without her black rabbit ears, her white bunches mimicking floppy rabbit ears instead. She gazed at us and said, “I hope I didn’t interrupt anything intimate.” She then stepped into the house with the door shutting automagically behind her. “I decided to follow you.” There was an awkward silence as Alice walked over to the couch and sat between us, staring plainly at the TV even though the image was still.

I was unsure of her behavior. “What are you doing?”

She turned towards me. “Have I offended?”

“Well, you did let yourself in.”

Alice looked forward again. “I understand.” She then vanished completely with a sudden knocking on the door again.

Beth and I looked at each other. “You get it,” she said, completely weirded out about the situation.

I went to the door and opened it the normal way. Alice stood there, smiling with her black rabbit ears on. “I’m Arbiter Alice,” she said, hugging me, and walking in. “Now we can talk.” She had a little pep in her step as she walked back over to the couch and sat down closer to Beth, leaning into her with a smile and giving her a hug. “You’re both so delightfully human. Dr. Lynch really did know what she was doing—the perfect facsimile!”

Beth smiled at Alice but looked at me with eyes full of horror. There was little we could do against an arbiter, especially a mara. All we could do was go along with whatever she was doing, hoping to not anger her.

I asked again, carefully, “Is there a reason why you’re here, Arbiter Alice?”

Alice tilted her head. “Oh, right.” She bobbed her head left and right as she spoke, “The investigation on the alleged illegal and unethical experimentation going on at Somni Solutions has concluded. Vampires will not be considered bioweapons, and all known deviants have been eliminated. Unfortunately, we were unable to recover any individuals from the sister sites—all purged after the incident at Somni Solutions.”

Beth frowned at the news. “They’re all dead?”

“Yep! But it was no great loss—they simply did our work for us.” She cackled as though it were all some joke. “The vampires at Somni Solutions were the cream of the crop. From their blood would be the ultimate weapon. Their descendants, the ultimate soldiers. But we stopped them in time, yay! Now all remaining vampires will be categorized as umbrans.” She placed a hand on Beth’s shoulder. “Try not to cause any problems for humans. They have enough already.” Her expression turned sour. “Or I’ll kill you myself.”

Beth gritted her teeth. I was worried she’d turn violent and said, “Arbiter Alice, the information is appreciated but I think you’ve overstayed your welcome.”

She pressed a finger into her cheek. “I’m not sure this even concerns you, chimera. Rosa is the only reason I haven’t turned you into paste.” She then clapped three times, saying, “Chimeras. Aren’t. People.”

Beth, in anger, tried to punch Alice but ended up hitting nothing but air.

“Blegh!” Alice stuck out her tongue at us from behind the couch. “Did no one tell you not to shoot the messenger?”

Rosa walked in from the hallway, saying, “Alice, you’re being absolutely ridiculous. Lay off the crazy with the kids.”

Alice playfully punched her head. “I was just delivering the news.”

“I was going to tell them myself, later. Did you forget?”

“Ahhh… I ruined the surprise, didn’t I?” Alice took off her black rabbit ears and returned to her placid personality. “I’m sorry. I got carried away.”

Rosa crossed her arms. “Don’t apologize to me. Apologize to them.”

Alice curtseyed twice. “I apologize, Beth. I apologize, thing.”

“His name!”

Alice stared at me. “Elliot.”

Rosa then pointed at the door, opening it from afar. “Now get the hell out of my house.”

Stepping outside, Alice turned back to us. “If you ever wish to end your existence, then seek me out and I will oblige.” The door then slammed shut.

Giving ourselves a few moments to decompress, Beth wrapped herself up in a blanket and huddled next to me on the couch, processing the deaths of her fellows. It was a tragedy, but one that did not directly affect her beyond having fewer people like her in the world. Rosa later joined us after making an angry phone call in another room, sitting in an adjacent chair.

Rosa, resting her head in her hand as she leaned to the side, said, “You’ll have to forgive Alice; she really can’t help herself sometimes. But everything she said is true: vampires are now considered umbrans… and you’ll have to get registered soon.”

Beth asked, “But what’s an umbran?”

I said, “It’s the category they use for monsters that can’t realistically be subdued if they ever decided to turn against humanity. Mara are considered umbrans. Shades as well.”

Rosa added, “They expect us to live outside of human society in places like the Nexus. You’re also not really allowed to travel beyond your designated area without an arbiter knowing. The enforcement isn’t as strict anymore, but the laws are still there.”

Beth scowled. “Are you telling me I spent all this time learning to live in society just to be kicked out of it? All because of a damn label?”

“That’s basically the gist of it.” Rosa sighed. “It’s to create incentives for umbrans to work with the Arbiters. Become one and you get to be as free as anybody else. Help them, and you’ll earn favors…”

Beth huffed. “Seems to me like the Arbiters are full of shit.”

Rosa frowned. “They’re just following the rules set by the government. The categorization system was meant to be a stopgap measure while we rebuilt the world after the Convergence. Now our society is built around it, and any attempt to change it is met with riots… As shaky as things seem sometimes, at least there’s peace.”

I said, “Peace, maybe, but not justice.”

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Beth shook like a burrito with rage. “Ugh! It’s so stupid that we have to bow down to humans. The Arbiters should be on our side. We shouldn’t have to listen to weaklings who get scared when a monster so much as sneezes.”

Rosa stood up. “You don’t have to like it, Beth. I sure don’t. But you have to live with it. This can still be an opportunity for you, if you allow it. I thought you didn’t care to live in society anyways.”

Beth pouted. “I… Whatever.”

Rosa then came over to me with a serious look on her face. “And you. We need to talk. Privately.”

“O-kay…” I said, and followed her to the closet door, which opened to show Rosa’s office, her home in the Nexus.

❦                     ❦                     ❦

I sat at one of the two chairs across from Rosa’s desk in the center of the main room. Rosa sat behind her desk, rubbing her hands together, turning her chair left and right. “I got a call,” she said. “From Lyca Wolfe.”

My heart sank. I swallowed to try and get the words out. “About what?”

“About what? The girl is pregnant, Elliot. She says it’s yours.” She shook her head. “Said you’ve been ignoring her—that she didn’t know who else to talk to. She called the bar this morning.” She paused, returning to a calmer demeanor. “Tell the truth, Elliot. Is there a chance that you’ve gotten her pregnant?”

I squirmed. “Well… there is a chance… that—”

Rosa got out of her chair and slammed the desk. “God damn it, Elliot. What were you thinking!? You can’t ignore these things!”

“What else am I supposed to do?” I asked her, distraught with worry.

“You were supposed to keep it in your pants! Just because I told you it was possible doesn’t mean you should’ve done it!”

“I didn’t know… I never intended to…”

“Did no one tell you how to use a damn condom? What did they even teach you in sex ed!?”

“Abstinence.” I muttered.

“That sure as hell didn’t work!”

I was becoming incredibly discouraged. “Should I tell her that I don’t want it? Her parents… want her to abort it; but she’s letting me decide.”

Rosa stopped her yelling. “I won’t condone such a thing, especially not this far in. Your mother would never forgive me, and I could never forgive myself. That said… if you believe it’s in her best interest—her and the child—then I won’t speak of it again.”

“I want her to have it… but I know that I won’t be there to support it.”

“Why not? Are you really so selfish as to leave your child without a father?” She turned away. “You really are his child.”

“It’s not really my choice. You know what’s going to happen.”

“There’s still plenty of time, Elliot. Enough to give it some early memories. The fact that you were there at all would mean a lot.”

“A part of me feels that they’re better off not knowing. This world… I want them to have a normal life. As much as possible. One that isn’t aware of Sorrow.”

Rosa frowned. “Your mother said the same thing about you.”

“Then you understand what I mean?”

“Yes, Elliot, but it won’t happen the way you think it will. I suggest you really consider your options more than just giving up completely. At the very least, leave something for the child to remember. Something more than ash… You know, in case it isn’t stillborn.”

“Something to remember?” I thought it over. “I could write a letter to her.”

Rosa didn’t seem so sure about my response. “Actually…” She went over to her bookshelf filled with old tomes, looking through it, and pulled out a pristine, red leather journal. “Write whatever you want in this. It’ll be a way for you to process your thoughts and show who you are as a person. They might understand, then, why you make the choices you do.”

It seemed like a good idea to me. “I’ll do that. But if I give it to Lyca, then…”

“I’ll make sure the child gets it when the time comes.”

I nodded with a smile. “Yeah… I like that better. I think it should be a while after, though. Enough time for this mess to pass over… when they turn eighteen.”

“So be it.” She handed the red leather journal to me. “But I want you to reconsider this—heavily—when it comes time for the child to be in this world.”

I paused for a moment to think. “Being a parent… I’m not sure I could handle it.”

Rosa sat in the chair beside me, placing a hand on my shoulder. “Not everyone can, but you should still try. It can be very repetitive but also very rewarding…” She sat back. “Not that I’ve had any kids myself.”

My thoughts turned to my mother. “It can also be a very big mistake. One that I can’t live with. Like Dr. Lynch.”

She frowned. “Your mother made mistakes, yes, but don’t ever think that you were one of them. She truly did love you as her own—even if she was never going to be a perfect parent.” With a sigh, she added, “Doubt is an awful thing.”

I lowered my head. “Why did she have to die?”

“She couldn’t find a way out. Her success was not as she imagined; not for herself, or for humanity. It ate her up inside. As much as she tried to live for others, she forgot how to live for herself. And rather than continue to be taken advantage of, she took matters into her own hands… As sad as it is, it might’ve been for the best.”

“It wasn’t the best for me.”

Rosa frowned but didn’t say anything.

“I’m going to write,” I said, and got up to leave.

She smiled but her eyes told a different story. “Best you start, then. Get it all down. Follow your heart, and everything will happen as it should.”

❦                     ❦                     ❦

Now everything has been written up to the point where I decided to write. It’s been a while, and new things have happened, but it is not enough to fill the next pages with stories I deem of worth. Instead, I will write my thoughts as they are now.

I feel that things are slowly changing, both in myself and in those around me. A part of me feels that it’s due to time running out, as it were, with school and life as it is now. I’ve noticed that the endless noise far in the background grows closer to me ever so slightly, slowly becoming a perceptible song. My only relief was with Beth, who I could share my thoughts and feelings with freely. And with her own isolation, she had only me to confide in as an equal.

It had to be me.

And it would seem that chimeras and vampires are not so different, able to coexist in the presence of one another. Perhaps, too, that was by the design of my mother. No human is born into this world alone. And I am one of the lucky few who got to experience an individual existence, only to one day be consumed by the dreaming ancient’s song. But even those who live forever can grow lonely and despair, longing for death’s embrace.

I will say now that there is no right answer—no right way to live. Time is ultimately uncaring of our struggle. It is solely up to us whether to walk a set path or forge a new one. And as it would be, humans aren’t the only ones who emerge.

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