Chapter 11: Wow, I'm cosmic!

I’m not quite sure where I am right now. I think I might be floating through the river of eternity on my way to the summit of existence or something.

I see stars and planets and all sorts of nifty color combinations, not to mention a unicorn just shredding on a Les Paul while riding through the cosmos on a thundering cloud; seriously, I thought Carlos Santana was dangerous, but he’s got nothing on this mythological horse thingy. There’s a crowd of giants crying and calling his name while waving lighters, and they are just losing it!

I kind of want to dance along to that Unicorn’s like, awesome groove, but I guess I’m just an axe without any direction, going where the cosmic winds decide I should sail.

I’m drifting further and further away from the Unicorn and his audience. Oh, nuts, now he’s playing Free bird! That’s so sick! I want to hear that! Sure, I think the lost cause was just a self-serving myth the American South came up with to nurse their wounded pride after losing their war with the North, but I still love me some Skynyrd!

If I leeeeeeave here—Oh, forget it, I always get the lyrics wrong. Goodbye Mr. Unicorn! I hope I get to hear you play again one day! If I do, can I request Simple Man? You rock, you mystical equestrian, you! Stay away from airplanes!

Oh, now I seem to be observing the creation of the universe. Hmm. There’s a blank white nothing. Okay, that seems nice. It’s absolutely still and there’s absolutely nothing to do, but that’s okay. This is peaceful. Hmmm, maybe I should just close my proverbial eyes and forever lay down my burdens?

Well, you can’t argue with the eternity that preceded eternity. Eternal rest it is-gadzooks! Pre-Existence has just exploded into, uh, existence! Who could have ever seen that coming?

Before it blew up, a voice in the white maw of abyssal nothing whispered to me. It said: see you later.

That’s not troubling. I’m not troubled.

Wait, did the abyss just wink at me?

__

Behold, the dawning of all that is!

It’s all fire and fury! I can’t focus on anything! I’m like, blown away, maaaaaan! Thank goodness I’m an axe! For if I were still but a man, I fear the overwhelming truths of existence would surely crush my tenuous grip on reality!

I’ve heard it! I’ve heard the song which presided over the creation of creation!

In case you were wondering, it was Not if you were the last Junkie on Earth by the Dandy Warhols.

I know, right? I'd have thought it would be Bohemian like me.

Oh, now I see the world. It’s a smoking, primordial block of words that I can't remember from science class. It’s just been ejected from its star and is now slowly being cooled in the void of space. One day this terrifying orb of random volatility will support life. And then I’ll live there. And so will my stuff.

“Yes.”

Whoa! There is a voice. And I am hearing the voice!

“Was it a voice before you heard it? Or did it become a voice because you heard it?”

Oh. My. GOD!

--

He is the Axe Guru. He sits in meditation at the center of the pavilion, granting us all a moment of his perfect wisdom. One of his young assistants plays a sitar in the background. It is peaceful. It is good.

In the morning we harvest grapes. In the afternoon we eat dates and oranges. In the evening we dance and dream! But today, we must learn.

“Axe Guru! Axe Guru! How will I ever know true happiness?” asked a young axe. She seemed very shy.

“Have you ever cut down a tree?” the Axe Guru asked in his gentle voice.

“I have!”

“Did you enjoy it?”

“I did!”

“Then you have your answer.”

“Namaste!”

The Axe Guru was so wise!

“Axe Guru, I had a dream,” said a strong, proud axe. “I dreamed that I recently chopped some firewood and used it to heat a forge. The forge was then used to make another axe. Must I fear this axe?”

“No. Because you were the axe that was forged.”

The proud axe wept and fell to his side in grief. We sat around him in a circle and let him know that he was loved. When he recovered from hearing this awesome truth, he was a much humbler axe.

The Axe Guru was so wise!

It was now my turn. “Axe Guru, I enjoy cutting people apart. But when I wish to share this aspect of myself, I’m often scolded. Why do people refuse the eternal?”

The Axe Guru sat in silence for a few long moments before answering.

“Not all who live appreciate our efforts. Not all who possess knowledge are wise.”

“…So, it wasn’t me doing anything wrong, it was them not being…cool?”

“You have seen the way. Now you must walk the path.”

“Namaste!”

The Axe Guru was so wise!

__

On our final day together, I asked the Axe Guru:

“Axe Guru, why is there disharmony in the world?”

“Because the axe chops…but there are those who do not wish to be chopped,” he said.

“But why?”

“To chop a living being is to pick the perfect moment. Too fast, and in your haste, you may miss. Too slow, and they will see your intent and flee.”

“I hate it when they run away!”

“There is no hate. For an axe to live in harmony with others, he must teach them to be trees.”

“But why?”

“Because trees do not flee the axe's bite.”

Oh. My. GOD!

__

How long have I been here, appraisal screen?

Time has no meaning in the void.

What am I doing here?

Transcending or something? I really don’t know. Looks complicated.

What happened?

Well, you unlocked Earth Magic.

Okay. So, what’s with all the New Age wavey Gravy stuff?

Well, youdidput ten straight points into the Path of Earth.

How many points do people usually put in their magic?

Uh, not ten straight in one category. At least not at such a low level.

Did I mess up? I feel like you’re telling me that I messed up!

I really don’t know. This, uh, timeless expanse of nothingness seems kind of nice.

Did you see the abyss earlier?

I did!

Did you see it wink at me?

Yeah, that was scary.

It really was!

__

All right, I think I understood now. This was like when Doctor Strange learned magic from the ancient nun when she punched him into the astral plane. Apparently, you weren’t supposed to spend ALL TEN POINTS AT ONCE, you were supposed to slowly pace yourself over time, which would have been very nice to know.

Mea culpa!

Oh, I can’t stay mad at you! But the problem now was that I was getting a bunch of information shoved into my mind at once. It was like peeing through one of those little coffee straws!

I was going to be here for a while if I didn’t find a way to speed things along. There had to be a way…but how?

__

Dirt. I needed dirt. It was all so simple!

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Ha, I’m such a foolish axe. I didn’t need to sit around absorbing all this cosmic lollapalooza stuff. I mean, the guitar shredding Unicorn was pretty sweet, and bearing witness to the creation of the universe was cool too, but all this other gradual tempering of my sixth sense stuff had gotten very boring.

Seriously. Today I spent what felt like a hundred years in a van driving on a road to nowhere, blaring Inagadadavida on its speakers, while all the people in it were pulling off these masks they were wearing, only to realize that the faces beneath their masks were…(get this)…more masks!

Wow. Bad trip! I’m so blown away, Universe. Golly, what will I do once you get around to playing your Doors collection? Can I handle all that smoke?

No, no, I’m good. No more intense truths about reality, please. If I hear one more fluffing Sitar, I’m going to—

Anyway, dirt. I need dirt. Elements of earth. I’m an Earth wizard now, right? So, I need my element.

Yeah. Yeeeeah, I’m in a grassy field. It is sunny and perfect. This is what I want!

First, I lay in the sun and bask. The grass is warm beneath my handle. Shine, shine, shine down on me!

Now I’m digging up the soil. I’m digging it up, and I’m climbing in! That’s right, I’ve just buried myself alive in dirt! It’s fine, really, I don’t breathe! I’m an axe!

Now, there’s nothing but darkness. The warm darkness of the earth. All concealing, all covering, all…something else. Completing? All completing…

Yeaaaah, this is what I wanted. I was forged from materials gathered from the earth. Now I’ve returned to it! No matter where I go, I’ll always be one with the earth! That's the power of steel!

Earth. Eaaaaaarth. Eaaaaaaaaaaaarth. Eaaaaaaaaaaarth!

Can you feel me, oh Mother of all? It’s me! Hey! I’m an axe! I’m an axe, and I just want you to know that I completely disagree with the messaging that’s been done about you! “Earth is worst?” hahahaha! Yeeeah, that makes no sense. No offense, but I’m from a civilization that’s way more scientifically developed than the dummies who live here. If my magic comes from you then my magic is the strongest. Period!

I’m talking magnetism, gravity, electricity, and magma! Then there’s the esoteric stuff. The underworld, the dead, darkness itself, the gateway to the abyss. All that stuff was of the earth! And it was all so cash!

So why do all these nutter butters run around saying the earth is weak? They can’t all be that dumb, right?

Nope. It’s obvious.

This is a targeted campaign of harassment. Mother Earth, you are being gaslighted.

You’re like Rachel Leigh Cook in She’s all that. Beneath your coveralls, glasses, and intense social anxiety, you’re Rachel Leigh Cook in a bikini! I’m not going to let these clowns keep you filled with self-doubt just so they can feel good about themselves! I’m taking you to prom, girl!

Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth.

Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth.

Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth.

Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth.

Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth.

Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth.

Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth.

Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth.

Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth.

Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth.

Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth.

Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth.

Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth—

I don’t know how long I kept doing this, but it was for quite a while!

And guess what? One day, I got a reaction!

__

“BE QUIET!”

Hey! Who’s this?

“I am the basin filled by the ocean. My hands hold aloft the sky. My center burns hotter than the surface of the sun. All domains are my domain. You speak to the Earth.”

Oh, nice! Hey! Heeeey! Hello! It’s me! I’m the axe that’s been trying to get your attention!

“I am aware of you, axe. I am VERY aware of you! Why do you persist in this noxious effort to speak to the grand Elemental spirit of the land? For what purpose do you seek my attention?”

Grand elemental what now?

“Do you mean to say that you’ve awakened the living soul of the world for no purpose? Such pointless trickery would ANGER me, little axe!”

Gosh, I’m sorry. I thought I was bonding with the earth in more of a metaphysical sense. Didn’t realize you were a person! And Miss? Miss Earth? I’m sorry to have to inform you of this, but you…are gorgeous!

“What?”

Gorgeous! Beautiful! Stunning! Mesmerizing! Unforgettable! A ten!

“What are you doing?”

Uh, complimenting the best-looking person in the room? Just kidding, we aren’t in a room! But seriously, you’re really awesome! You’ve got this ancient Hellenic goddess of the vine thing going on, and you’re bigger than a skyscraper, and I am all for it!

Heh, are you seeing anyone?

“Stop doing that! You’re making me feel uncomfortable.”

Oh, wow, I’m sorry! Did I get carried away?

"You did, yes."

I apologize! I’m just really impressed by you, is all. I mean, you’re the very embodiment of the power that I seek, the source of the strength I desire above all else. Basically, you’re my everything!

"I'm your...everything?"

Yeah! But instead of communicating that to you, I just had to act like a typical jerk and make it about your incredible looks! I should have just focused on how great I sincerely think you are, but I didn't, and for that I’m really sorry.

“Thank you. I appreciate you understanding what it was I found fault with.”

No need for you to thank me. Just goes to show I’m still not done growing as a person!

“Do you… truly find me beautiful?”

Uh, gigantic, tanned blonde with glowing eyes wearing a short toga and sporting a pixie cut? YES!

“Oh, is that how you see me? How strange. Normally I would appear as a hideous multiheaded serpent.”

Oh, I see that too. You’re like alternating between the two forms. No big.

“No big?”

This whole cosmic realm thing has basically been drugs, so…eh?

“And…my second form doesn’t bother you?”

I’m an axe. I should judge someone for having an atypical appearance? Not likely! Oh hey, you’re shrinking!

“Yes, I’m coming down. There. All right, now explain yourself, little axe. Why do you seek me so? And what fills your lips with such sweet flattery? Make no attempt to deceive me, the earth abides no untruth!”

I could never lie to you! It’d be like lying to myself! “People deceive themselves all the time.”

They do? Why?

Yeeeeeeah, why?

“I’m speaking to the axe.”

Oh, sorry! Sorry! Milady, I’ve gotten used to having a running commentary while he’s doing these incredibly stupid things, I didn’t realize you could actually hear me...

“Take note, little Liberomnus. There are powers far older and greater than those which created you, and I am one of them. Mocking people needlessly is beneath your dignity."

It is? Wait, I’m not being sarcastic, I’m just asking!

“It is. Now, I don’t believe a ‘running commentary’ will be required today. Do you?”

I sincerely apologize if any offense was given—

“Be silent. Now, axe…”

Yeah?

“Come to my home. Let’s talk.”

You’re inviting me to your house?! Really? Woo-hoo!

“Oh, just come with me!”

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