Chapter 12: Old me is STILL a jerk!

I was beginning to think that the earth was some sort of rich girl.

Maybe it was that sophisticated sounding accent that hinted strongly at a posh education. Maybe it was the way she carried herself as she walked: her gait was graceful, refined, and totally practiced!

Then, there were the jeweled rings she wore. That was the kind of flashy bling that could get a person dragged into an alleyway and mugged.

The biggest giveaway, though, was her home!

What she called a “house” was in fact a palace! A palace bigger than the state of Delaware. The exterior of it was perfectly cut white marble in the style of ancient Rome back on earth, with fountains, pools, gardens, and verandas all around! If I were into architecture, the sight of this place would’ve probably put me into an ecstatic seizure. A joy coma!

Stone sentinels stood guard at the entryway and also patrolled the palace grounds. These weren’t any two-bit rock golems some punk sorcerer could craft with some dirt and blood either, these things were real big deal elemental Lords. The kind that got summoned to the world of mortals to rule over dungeons, or to wipe out the cities of those who displeased them.

The fact that guys packing as much power as that were down here essentially playing guard dogs, told me a lot about the sheer scale of the Earth’s strength.

And she had just invited me over to hang out! Tee-hee! I'm a lucky axe!

“Princess Aestas, welcome home,” said the sentinel standing before the main entryway. “Did you discover the source of the disturbance?”

“I did, thank you, Korbas,” replied the earth. “And the matter has been settled. My guest and I will be in my chambers for a bit—

“Your guest?” Interrupted Korbas. “Just a moment please, blessed one. Allow me to observe the balance of his soul—

“There is no need for that,” the earth said. “He's fine, I assure you. This axe is an amenable gentleman and a true friend of the earth."

“My apologies, great one, but Queen Augusta insists on knowing the character of those who enter her home. The antics of some of your sister, Princess Winter’s prior guests, have greatly annoyed her in recent days.”

“Winter loves bringing in her petulant bad boys to flaunt in front of me and our mother,” the earth said to me with a frown. “She enjoys collecting radicals who were put to death for heresy, rebels who lost their uprisings, rogue poets who died mocking kings, you know, shady malcontents."

Sounds like she has dark tastes?

"Oh, please! It's all an affectation! Winter just loves her pretentious, doomed little pretty boys. She only keeps them around to look cool! She doesn’t care one iota about them!”

I was confused. Who were Augusta and Winter? And why did these Rock guys keep calling the earth, Princess? I was going to ask about that when the sentries each summoned a huge obsidian blade out of nowhere and began pointing them at me. Jeepers!

“Surrender yourself at once or be destroyed, axe!” ordered one of the sentinels.

Wow, what did I do to get on their bad side so quickly? These guys looked like they wanted to carry out an axe-ecution on the spot!

“I SAID move away from the Princess!” he repeated.

“Princess, please step away from the axe,” Korbas urged in his rumbling voice.

No, Princess, don’t do that! That would be a terrible idea! For me, anyway!

“What is the meaning of this?” The earth demanded to know. “I told you he was my guest! Put those blades away and explain yourselves at once.”

“Princess, please, his soul is so mired with corruption and blood! This being cannot be permitted to stand beside you!”

“I’ll be the one to decide who may stand beside me! I am an adult, and my wishes will be respected!”

Heh, heh, heh, chuckled a cold, cruel voice in my head. Oh, no, I recognized that voice!

“Princess, his very presence demeans you! He must be removed from here immediately!”

“You know nothing of him, Korbas! I trust my own judgement! All who exist deserve a chance to prove themselves worthy!” she said earnestly.

I want this one, the voice said. I really want this one.

No way! How can you even still exist? This is my life now!

This is the astral plain, bud. I can manifest out here if I want. I just haven’t wanted to.

So why are you bothering me now? Go back to being dead!

I felt his eyes running lasciviously over the earth’s body and froze. No. NO! It’s me she wants to talk to, not you!

You know I love these good girl types. He’s right you know; I do want to demean her. I want to sully her up.

Dude, creepy!

Not really. I just want to do the same thing you did.

Huh?

I want to bury my head tight in the earth.

You need to leave. Right now.

You’re going to embarrass yourself. Just let me handle her. It. Let me handle it.

No way, Jose!

C’mon, I’ll let you watch.

I said get lost!

Tch. Whatever.

No, not whatever! Gosh, what a jerk! Embarrass myself, will I? I’ll show him!

“Axe?”

“Huh?” I said, looking back up.

“Axe, you can enter. It’s fine now. I’ve sorted it out,” she said with a proud, sweet smile.

“Oh! Okay, neat!”

__

Whoa, there was a party going on! And what a party!

Music of any variety you could imagine was blaring through invisible speakers throughout a dance hall the size of a city block. And occupying the floor were women and men, spirits and demons, ghosts and goblins, things I could describe, and things that I couldn’t, and they were all getting down!

Check it out! They even had a rhyming Spider scratching records on stage and spitting out some insanely clever rapid-fire verses!

Oh, but there was some extremely heavy usage of a certain controversial word mixed in there, and I’m just not sure if I can support that level of cultural appropriation. Who knew spiders could be so problematic?

Oh! Oh! The Unicorn! The unicorn was there, sitting on a couch, strumming his guitar with a bunch of girls clustered around him. Simple Man! I wanted to hear Simple man! Ohhhh!

“Of course, Winter would throw one of her stupid parties tonight of all nights,” the earth said, rolling her eyes dramatically as she did so.

Hey, nothing wrong with a good party, is there?

"I suppose not. But I just don't know if I'm in the mood for one right now--Oh! Mother!"

Mother?

“Aestas! Darling, you’re home,” said a beautiful darkhaired woman in an exquisitely tailored red evening dress. She warmly embraced the girl and kissed her gently on the cheek. “I didn’t think we’d see you tonight! Did you decide to attend your sister’s party after all?”

“I’d forgotten about it entirely!” the earth replied. “I planned to spend the evening entertaining my new friend here.”

“A new friend? Oh, Aestas! Is this a gentleman caller? Have you finally brought someone home at long last?”

“Mother! You’re embarrassing me!”

“A privilege enjoyed by all who love their children, darling. Would you please introduce me to your companion?”

“Hrrr! Very well! Mother, this is the axe. Axe, this is my mother, Queen Augusta, the elemental aspect of the earth who rules over the season of Autumn, known best as Mother Nature.”

She’s mother nature? Oh, wow, I thought you were the earth! Gosh, I feel really confused!

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“I’m Aestas! I represent the season of Summer. Don’t I look like it?” she asked with a shy smile.

Oh my god, said the voice.

Shut up shut up shut up! They’ll hear you!

They can’t hear me, stupid. I’m not like that appraisal screen. By the way, we’re going to have to talk about that, one of these days. Making that thing sound like Liv is not okay.

I’m not hearing this; I’m not hearing this!

“Axe?” Aestas asked.

Hmm? Yes? Yes, how can I help you?

“Mother was just wondering if you answered to any different name?

“An axe named axe seems a little on the nose,” the queen said with a chuckle.

Keith.

Hey. Hey, I didn’t say that!

“Keith, is it?” asked the grinning Queen Augusta. “An axe named Keith? That’s an interesting combination. Certainly not what I would have expected.”

“Well, I like it,” Aestas said in a charmingly peevish tone.

Well, that’s a lucky coincidence, because I like you.

Queen Augusta covered her mouth with her hand, while Aestas stood still and blushed.

“Don’t say things like that,” Aestas said ruefully.

The earth abides no untruths, remember? If you’d like to smite me for being presumptuous, I don’t mind. Just as long as you use your hand to do it!

“Aestas, be careful, darling! I think you’ve let a wolf in the house!” Augusta said mirthfully. She laughed and turned to me with a knowing smirk. Then she said, “Be gentle, Sir Keith. Aestas is a good girl. She’s of the Earth but not of the world. I’d hate to learn she’d been mistreated in any way.”

Tch. If I were gentle with any woman, they wouldn’t remember me half as fondly.

“Is that right?”

It is.

Her smirk grew even slyer. “Oh, it’s always a shame to see a man of experience playing games with a mere girl. It seems a seasoned woman would better suit your taste.”

That sentence makes me wonder what a seasoned woman might taste like?

“Keep speaking like that and you may very well find out.”

“Mother!” Aestas shouted angrily.

“Darling, please. Your friend and I were just playing. You must grow a thicker skin! Now, I want you two to enjoy yourselves! Dance and play! In my home, the night is as long as you want it to be.”

The queen walked away to greet other guests. I had to admit, her autumnal beauty in combination with her absolute self-confidence was mesmerizing. And I couldn’t help but notice she was throwing a few backwards glances and inviting smiles in my direction!

Ohhh maaaan.

Don’t get so excited. It was me she wanted.

Yeah, I guess. Hey! How did you speak out of my mouth. Err, axeblade?

I told you: this is the astral realm. I don’t need your permission to do anything.

Okay, but Keith? Where'd that even come from? Who the heck is Keith?

I just wanted to see if I could lie to them.

That’s a heck of a risk to take!

No skin off my teeth. I’m already dead.

Behaving like thatis exactly how we wound up getting shot in the face!

Nah. Torelli knew it was us who clipped Tommy. He was just looking for an excuse and would have eventually found one.

Why did we clip Tommy again?

Fucker wore a wire to my favorite eatery.

Oh yeah! Man, I could really go for some unlimited breadsticks and pasta right about now.

Right?

“Keith?”

I turned around and saw that Aestas was now wearing a pretty white dress that nicely emphasized her figure while also somehow appearing demure. It was like a... sexy church dress? Was that how to best describe it?

It was hard to articulate. Really, really hard.

Speaking of hard…

Shut up!

“I’ve decided we should follow my mother’s advice and enjoy the festivities. Afterwards, we can discuss your request. I hope you don’t mind?”

Gosh, why would I mind spending time with you? That’s not a chore, that’s a bonus!

“Oh, stop! You’re such a silly axe.”

“There’s nothing silly about being with someone like you! So, you're called Aestas, huh? A name that pretty definitely suits you.”

“Flatterer,” she smiled, while blushing once more, as we walked to the dance floor.

Just to let you know, I am going to DESTROY that.

Keith, would you please shut up! Listen, this is our patron earth spirit. No, not just a mere spirit, one of the four big guns! We need her approval to speed up the process of this magical imbuement stuff, or our mind is going to be stuck in the astral realm for who knows how long?

Like I care.

Hey! Anything could be happening to our gosh darn body while we dally around here in the land of Care-A-Lot!

All right, all right. Don’t get your panties twisted just because I’m going to twist her panties.

KEITH!

Whatever! Just don’t blow it.

When have I ever blown anything?

Well, there was that one time in prison—

I really hate myself sometimes. Where was the Appraisal Screen when I needed her?

__

Not getting involved in THIS mess! /popcorn

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