Chapter 4: Chapter 4: The dream of the Butterfly II

 

She went back to the shelf and continued looking at the framed drawings. There was one that was similar to the previous one but with a very obvious improvement.

Reilanis looked much more defined, displaying her well-trained body in a pose flexing her right arm, her Kanabo was held behind her back and that beautiful white hair, combed in a braid, fell towards the front of her body over her shoulder. She was wearing a top similar to the one she currently had on, but in black, baggy black pants, with a white leather guard over them and red lines. Supported by a thin belt that maintains a golden fabric in the middle of the legs, falling almost to the ankles, and high boots, some called "Tabi" in white.

Again, on his left, clinging to his arm, was Elisa, with a shy smile. She wore an open violet tunic over leather chest armor and a knee-length white skirt, and tall leather boots. To her right, claiming her special place was Miriam. She still looked small, but she had a fierce smile. She mimicked Reilanis' pose, flexing both arms, in an attempt to show off muscles she didn't yet possess. She wore a white tank top with something similar to a leather vest, serving as light armor. She had on a pair of shorts, thick leather. As her legs were authentic dragon legs covered with scales and with quite pronounced claws, she didn’t need footwear of any kind. And as a final detail, her tail was still wrapped around Reilanis's legs. She didn't look like she was ever going to let her go.

It was a drawing that Miriam had made, commemorating the day that Elisa turned 12 years old and had registered as an adventurer. The dragon kid was both happy for her "older sister" and jealous because now she could officially kill monsters. Miriam was still 5 years away from doing it, and she was in a bad mood for a couple of days because of it.

Beneath the picture that framed this "family portrait" was a piece of paper, rolled up and tied with a strip of fabric in a beautiful bright magenta color. It was a letter that Elisa had written to her.

“[Why would she write a letter?] Elisa and I fought. It was a little while after she first rose in rank. I forbade her to go out on a mission that was too dangerous for her level. She locked herself in the inn room for several days, upset that I didn't trust her. I yelled at her and told her that it was too dangerous, that this mission was too much for those who had sent it.

Two days later, we received the news that the entire group had been annihilated. They underestimated the monsters they were going to hunt and they were poorly organized. C rank monsters and they sent out a bunch of E ranks. A big problem arose in the guild and the people responsible were captured. They had lowered the quest rank so they could keep most of the benefits. Elisa wrote me that letter as an apology.

The letter, when I read it… it had tear stains on it. She was crying when she wrote it. Sometime later, when I asked her, she told me that she had realized that if she had gone, she would be dead now, and realizing that… realizing that she could have separated from us… it made her heart ache just to think on it. She told me that for the first time she had found a warm place, where she felt she belonged. The very thought of losing it was too terrifying for her.”

A small smile formed on her lips, it was indeed a nice memory of her precious girl, one that not only brought joy to her heart but also made her feel at peace.

“[My girl?] Elisa. Mine. [No, she is not mine. Ours?] No. [Elisa is not mine. Is she? Why call her my girl?] For appreciation, attachment, and affection. She is… she is… important… my family. [No, but… I… I made her in the game, she's not real.] SHE IS REAL. [No, this is all a dream. It must be!] Stop denying my family! I'm not going to let anyone hurt the people I love, not even you… not even me! [Do you love them?] I do! Wait... Love? Me? I… I love Elisa and Miriam. I love them… but…”

She felt like her heart was squeezing. There was a conflict in their thoughts. Both of them.

“[What are you looking for?] What am I looking for? I… I don't know… [So why do you do what you do, what is this dungeon for?] Revenge? [Against who?] I…don't know either. [I did it to complete the game to feel like I accomplished something, to… Why was that? I... ended the story with the bad ending... I never revealed myself to the world... Why did I do it like this?] We are the same. We want a home. [Home?] I… I think we want to have a home. [I HAD MY HOME! I had a home before I was dragged here!] Could you call that home? A cold and small room in a lonely building. Only you and nobody else. Can you call that home? [WHAT DO YOU KNOW? I had no other place to go, I lost the one I loved the most! How could you understand me!? You… I… argh”]

The headache returned, much more intense than before. She could feel as if her head was about to explode. Memories of Reilan embedded themselves in her mind, memories he never wanted to see again.

There was a woman, a girl next to him. A girl with black hair and white skin, her eyes slanted and dark. Short and thin. An Asian girl.

“Kai. KAI!”

They were childhood friends. She had moved in with her family due to her parents' work. She lived a few houses from him, and they saw each other every day at school. Reilan had helped her with the language.

The years together brought them closer and closer, until in high school Reilan declared his love for her and they started dating. They lived quite happily at school. They got into college and things moved fast. They moved in together, slowly saving up for a house. It would take a few years, but they were not worried about that. They were happy.

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Until everything was ruined.

They had finished their classes and were going home together. They took the bus because they didn't want to spend money on buying a car. They were having a conversation about one of the teachers being too strict. One of those guys who has a stick shoved deep up his ass. They laughed happily at that. And suddenly, they were trapped in twisted metal. Blood staining his hands, his own and that of strangers. Goans of pain from strangers. Ambulance, fire, and police sirens blared. Kai was motionless, trapped between a couple of seats next to him. Reilan… miraculously he only had a few bruises, a dislocated shoulder, and a couple of broken ribs. He could still breathe, but he was in pain, and that hurt like hell. Kai… she was too injured. Her legs were caught between the twisted steel, her left arm… he couldn't see it. It had been ripped off above the elbow. Her left eye had been crushed and part of it was sticking out of her skull, which was full of blood from the deep cuts she had received from the impact. A metal tube, perhaps from one of the seats that held her trapped, had passed through her abdomen and out the other side. Her mouth was spilling blood, but she… maintained a small smile.

“Why she’s smiling? [She… she managed to see the truck before it hit us. She… grabbed my arm and yanked me to the ground. For better or worse, that saved my life. But…doing it doomed her. Later, when they finished the investigation, they told me that if she hadn't pushed me, I could have… I could have been torn to pieces. From her position, she could have survived, but…she…decided that I was more important. It was a miracle or a huge coincidence. After all, how could she know that pushing me would save my life?]”

The pain continued throughout the memory. It was vivid, too intense. And added to the pain of loneliness, sadness ... guilt. It felt too real, both physically and emotionally. Tears streamed down Reilanis's face, but she didn't know whose they were. Was it empathy or was it her own pain?

She rolled on the floor for a long time, fighting whatever it was this torture was tearing at her mind and soul.

“You don't know what it's like to lose the one you love the most. To see how… to see Kai throwing her life aside so that I would have a chance to live. Do you know how long I've hated myself for surviving!? How many times have I wished I could finish it all at once just so I don't have to remember!? I… I just… Why, why did I have to survive!? Why did that accident have to happen!? WHY DID IT HAPPEN THAT DAY!?”

The pain in the words opened wounds in Reilanis's heart. She hadn't lived through it, but she could feel the anger, the frustration, the exhaustion, and all the negative emotions that come with the loss.

"Do you know what is the worst? I can't even blame the truck driver. He crashed into our bus because he had a sudden heart attack that killed him instantly. Sudden death, they call it. He died before he knew it. So… whom can I blame then? To whom should I direct my anger, my pain? Tell me…just why did she have to die like this? Why did I survive that day, why am I even here now? Is it too much to ask that they let me at least see her one more time?”

Silence.

The tears wouldn't stop flowing. Reilanis felt that pain too deeply. That emptiness in her heart, that feeling of loss… she could feel that it was hers too. Her chest tightened, and she felt miserable. She wanted to scream with all her might. Even her anger got the better of her. She hit the ground with her fists with all the strength she had. She could feel the skin on her knuckles tear and see her blood splattering on the ground. She had never felt so hurt and heartbroken.

She was an orphan for as long as she could remember, and she went through many painful situations. But she had been too lucky to have found an abandoned dungeon core. But Reilan? He had lost the person he loved the most, in one of the worst possible ways, without even the opportunity to do anything for her. Reilan wasn't a strong person, mentally or physically, and a situation like that had completely broken him.

“After that day, I tried several times to take my own life. But somehow, I always managed to survive. I shot myself in my mouth, but for some reason the gun fails, exploding in my face. Miraculously, the damage was not too serious. I got out with just a couple of burns. Then I hung in my room... but no matter where I do it, the spot I chose would end up giving way under my weight. I cut my arms, but someone found me in time and I survived… once again. When I gave up trying, I decided to just let things take their course. I abandoned counseling and medication, took all the money we had saved, and went as far away as I could. That's how I ended up… that way. In that cold little room in a lonely building. Just me and nobody else. Obsessed with video games and anime. All so I wouldn't have to think again about the fact that I had drawn the short stick in life and wasn't even allowed to end my miserable existence on my terms."

Silence.

Maybe he should try harder to get over it, but those are words from someone who doesn't understand his loss or the guilt that clung so tightly to his heart.

Gradually the pain subsided and the dark feelings and memories calmed down. Her body was drenched in sweat. Her arms, legs, abdomen, everything felt like it was on fire. Her knuckles were still bleeding and the skin was open.

Reilanis rose slowly from the ground, enduring the numbness in her muscles. Once again, she had that feeling of a part of herself coming back together. They both noticed. Maybe, if they kept seeing each other's memories, living their experiences, if they tried to understand each other, they would have more pain, but they would also feel complete. They would become one, without conflict, without differences, the same.

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