Chapter 17: Chapter 17: A Self Inflicted Love

Whisper

 

"You need to listen." 

The words were mine, but they died in my throat before I could voice them.

It was Phaedra who spoke the words I had been afraid would fall once more on uncaring ears. The Headmistress's Serpent drew all eyes to her before gesturing in my direction. "Historically speaking, failing to listen to Whisper has ended quite poorly for upwards of a dozen Monarchs."

"Thank you for that, um, Miss Phaedra." My voice was so small in the shadow of my introduction. I cleared my throat and straightened my back. "None of you can walk away from this."

"No one here is suggesting that." Verity offered, but the gentle kindness in their voice told me they did not understand.

Night forgive me, my first impulse had been to threaten my friends. I shoved the thought aside and gave Phaedra an appreciative smile.

I needed to do this.

I would not run away.

Not again.

I needed to make them understand.

They were not an assembled court of Kings, Queens, and minor Nobility holding court.

I stood in front of those who had suffered countless injustices at the whims of those who wore Crowns. An entire Chorus of Knights had been reduced to shadows of their former selves before taking on the mantle of teacher and protector. The Librarian took it upon herself to to go out of her way to strip the convenient lies from Orbital Hall's texts, so that no one would unknowingly lay the groundwork for future Monarchs. 

It was hard to look at them and not see we our past selves as extensions and products of an unkind system. But Phaedra and the Chorus had put in the work. Why could I not trust them?

I could see uncertainty in the eyes of those whose only abuse had been abandonment and neglect after a Storm passed through. These were mostly new students, ones who were still struggling to come to terms with losing their homes to the rituals of Stormfolk. I did not have the time or care to ask much of most of them, but Ruin had always been well liked. She could help me find the ones I could lean on, if there were any to be had at all.

Ruin would back me in this. Of that there was no doubt, even if we did not always see eye to eye. The Chorus knew how to deal with conflicting consciousness sharing a body, but they were next to useless in changing the contents of one's soul. Once a Knight, always a Knight. Among those assembled, I could count on them to give of themselves without question, but I felt uncomfortable entrusting Verity's heart to either. Ruin had her own messy history. If Verity had not opened up to Ruin or the Headmistress, I would not rely on them now.

That left Verse and a pair of Amari sisters. It had been a joy to see Verse open up and come out of her shell. I could see the dreams that Verity had expressed manifest in Verse's keen observations. I could trust Verse with Verity's heart implicitly, but I could not bring myself to demand much of Verse or her sister.

I turned to the Amari that held Verse's hand. She would have support for the unkind words I had to share.

"To abandon Verity now would be to let The Wood hollow out your sister and make a monster out of what remained."

The Amari in front of me averted her eyes. "What? But I thought we-"

"Stop. Listen. I need you to love her anyway."

I saw guilt, dread, and finally an understanding pass through the filtered lenses of her eyes. "We missed our opportunity to have a say, didn't we?"

"Realistically, assume we have. There is a chance we will be able to get through to her, but this storm is going to play out with or without us. I will not leave the outcome of this to chance." I turned to look over the gathered students. "You either understand and help me, or I make you understand."

One of the Catfolk flinched. My gaze snapped to them. Curiously, it was my attention that provoked the yelp, and not the thunder. "Verity is at odds with herself. She is just one dream working against a Storm of trauma, abuses, and well placed fears. Some of you know what that feels like. For the rest of you, this Storm is going to hurt. What we do now decides who and how much."

The Catfolk's ears flattened. "I didn't know."

A taller Catfolk offered her a shoulder to lean on for support. "It's okay Felicia. Verity is made of strong stuff."

"It's not fair," Felicia said through a sob. "Why are we only free to live our ninth life? We should be able to give them away!"

Her taller partner offered me a grim smile.

There were exchanged looks of concern between the crowd of students.

I found myself unwilling to be moved, but I knew what to say next. "Verse here used to be a part of Verity." I gestured to her holding hands with Amari, prompting blushes from both. "I've never seen someone hit rock bottom before discovering themself and rising to the heights of kindness and openly supportive vulnerability that Verse displays." I turned to make my plea to the rest of the students. "That is why most of you are all are here, is it not? You could have taken supplies and made for a town of your choice, but here you are."

I stepped forward in an attempt to mitigate the need to compete with the rain's increasing intensity. I would not be drowned out. "To learn how to process ways in which harm was done to all of us. Only at Orbital Hall can you know for certain you will not be punished for well intended mistakes." Suddenly the words began to ring hollow for me, enough that I could not face Verse or carry on at full volume.

A sound of thunder filled the silence.

"I'm not asking for much." My voice strained through the need to sob. "Please, whatever is left of this Storm, I need you to be kind and patient with it. Somewhere in there is my friend."

Words were good and all at setting expectations.

Actions were better, especially when dealing with fear.

I knew what needed to be done.

"Chorus." I said. "It is going to start getting cold. Do the comforts of this town extend to clothing and blankets?"

"Of course. Young Whisper, Mistress Phaedra, please ensure our trust is not misplaced. We may never give it again."

It stung a little hearing the Chorus interpret my words as trying sending them away. But leaving the task of touching base with and making everyone comfortable was an important first step that students would likely respond better to coming from the instructor in charge of this event spiraling out of control.

"Noble Chorus," hissed Phaedra. "You have no need to trust in me. Trust instead in the faith placed upon the young Whisper at a most critical of junctures. This is as true now as it was ten years ago. Orbital Hall would not look the same as it does now had she not done as the Headmistress asked." I tried to gauge the looks I was receiving and decided to risk a glance at Verse.

There was something in her eyes. An understanding passed between us. She trusted me. I would need time to consider if I could do the same.

And with that, the bulk of the students dispersed in time to avoid the first chunk of black hail to land with a loud and foreboding thunk. It had struck me in the chest, bouncing off to melt at my feet.

I supposed I deserved to have the first stone cast at me.

Everyone was in danger now. That at least, was something I was happy to take responsibility for.

 

***

 

"What do you need from me?" My heart sank hearing those words from Ruin, who up until this point had made her support unconditional. "I need to hear you say it."

"I need you to not be a Hero." My heart yearned to plead for the confident reassurance she would freely give me. Instead I turned away and kept my voice dispassionately level. "I need weapons that will cut a path to Verity's heart. Cold, dispassionate volunteers who will not attempt to sway her from her path, just-" I forced a breath back into my lungs. "Just see it to the end, no matter what that looks like."

Ruin took me by the shoulders and turned me towards the abyss of her deep sea green eyes. "Can you be that for her?"

I turned on her, all four arms and hands ready to go for her throat.

How dare she, no.

I was being unfair.

To her.

And myself.

"I don't know."

Why then did it hurt to say?

"Okay. Whisper, you have my blade."

My heart wanted to leap out of my chest. "I won't-"

"Save it. If Verity is worth it to you, mine is yours to break." Ruin's fingers dug into my shoulder.

I wasn't sure I could appreciate the gesture, but I did not have time to find my mental footing. Between all the black rain and ice, maintaining our physical footing would be hard enough.

"Get me those volunteers." I said, turning away from any more grand gestures on her part.

If there was anything we could do to mitigate whatever disastrous outcome was coming, we would have to brave the Storm's center.

 

***

 

The list of volunteers did not surprise me. Ruin, Verse, a pair of Amari sisters, and Felicia. Phaedra lingered like a chaperone on the edge of the bundle of huts. She would not follow us far, which was just as well. Neither her or I could stomach the cold for long.

"One can't help but noticing you never shared the contents of your dream."

"And I cannot help but notice you were not involved in any of them, serpent."

"I am merely acting as a representative on behalf of Lady Night. Reaching those she cannot."

I sighed and turned to look everyone over. "What I need from all of you has not changed."

The naked Amari stepped forward, already bearing a few shallow scars from the hail. Curiously, she seemed less bothered by the cold than anyone here. "You just want us to brave the most heartbroken and dangerous parts of Verity."

Without missing a beat, the other Amari took over. "Not that Ruin said anything about that."

Felicia looked at everyone assembled with wild eyes. "Ruin just asked me if I meant what I said earlier."

I narrowed my eyes long enough to give Ruin a disapproving look. "Why do I get the impression that Felicia is the only one who knows why she's here?"

Ruin gestured to the Amari sisters, who alternated speaking like some Chorus of fox girls.

"What does it matter? Verity needs us."

"We're going."

"Simple as that."

"And you cannot stop us."

"What those two said," Verse added. She and Felicia had taken the time and opportunity to bundle up in blankets and thicker clothes. I for my part had worked stones into a makeshift carapace. It would only need to shield me from a blow or two to serve as armor enough for my purposes.

Protection meant different things to different people. They wanted to get closer to Verity than they could stand. I could sympathize with that, but had made my peace with the possibility that I would find no warmth for the foreseeable future. Better to get used to living in Verity's world now than later. At least that was the excuse I gave the others.

I stopped to cast a sidelong glance at the Serpent watching this unfold behind a slowly expanding smile.

"Phaedra, please stop taking pride in my decisions."

"Someone has to. If you intend to dismiss the Chorus who has fought alongside you the longest, we would like to ensure someone is here to communicate the sacrifice you are making."

"The Chorus has always done what they thought was right. Right now, they should be focused on the majority of the students. I can handle this."

"They would follow you into the depths of the Pale Wood if you asked them to." This got wide eyes from the Amari sisters.

"I would rather they stayed out of this. If I am wrong, and Verity is not who I am choosing to believe she is, I want all of the blame."

"Fascinating."

"What?"

Phaedra needed a moment to stifle a laugh. "Heartlessness really does not suit you."

"Do you have any other keen insights to share?"

"Just one question." Her voice lost the playfulness. Librarian business. "There was another name of yours, is it something you would like stricken from the record?"

Widow Maker. Not a great memory to be reminded of. "I would take it as a personal favor." If this was my last night at Orbital Hall, it was best any unkindness that went beyond me lay buried.

"Of course. Better we are remembered for who we were, not what the Crown projected of us."

That hurt.

"Dears, can you give Whisper and I a moment?"

Without the others in ear shot, I could shed a few tears I had been holding back. "This is not going to work unless it hurts, is it?"

Phaedra slithered closer. "Is love not worth the pain?"

I opened my mouth to protest. Thunder sounded, sparing me the embarrassment of not having anything to say. Phaedra gave me all the time I needed but could not spare. I warded her off with a half-hearted hiss."I will not take critiques from a serpent who keeps her heart in a cage."

Her approving smile bothered me. "I can see now that Verity's well-being is your only concern. Regrettably, I must prioritize the safety of other students and entrust this task to you. My role shall be minimized to picking up whatever pieces remain of the two of you."

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I looked up at the Serpent with something dangerously close to understanding. "How is it you dress up kindness as cruelty?"

"Such a lesson would serve you well, I should think. But enough idle ruminations, take these words to heart. Verity is here in part under false pretenses. It may serve you well to know that we convinced her that this would be a place to prove herself, and that may color her intent."

"I don't understand."

"If she were to leave Orbital Hall now, the most direct route to someone most capable of helping her would take her through the Pale Wood. Verity is traumatized enough, would you not agree?"

I narrowed my eyes. "I see a number of outcomes with your plan, and I do not like a single one."

"You were quite right to never be comfortable with me staying on as the Orbital Hall's librarian. But you may come to find that there are individuals out there most experienced at functioning from a place of discomfort. "

I turned to leave, unsure if I wanted to take such a lesson to heart. I could only hope I would not need it.

As I neared the group, I began to overhear something that felt private.

"My sister needs me. And, well, so does yours."

"Citrine. This pin found its way back to me. I need you to do the same, alright?"

I had not meant to eavesdrop, but Ruin spotted me and cornered me where I stood. "Theirs is an adorable bond."

"I am not certain Verse even knows how bonds work, but she seems entirely earnest in her intent."

"Functionally, that is all that matters for tonight. There will be time to reconstitute later." Ruin paused to glower at me. An interesting development. "For all of us, you included."

"Of course." I touched at Ruin's chest. One last lie and betrayal between friends gave shape to an abyssal light swallowing material to be shaped for my purposes. 

Ruin had offered up me up her soul. I sank my needles deep into them.

The others would have Ruin's direct support. I would have this so long as Ruin remained convinced I planned to come back safely. Or maybe the constant betrayals she received throughout the years would work in my favor if I ended up being the latest.

The biting chill of the wind informed us all that it was time. Verity's voice carried a warning.

"STAY AWAY."

Yeah. Sure. Good luck with that.

The chunks of black hail turned to lances of ice meant to impale.

Okay, maybe Verity didn't need luck.

"Follow the voices." I cried. If she wanted us to stay away, it was as good a direction as any to start with.

Into the howling winds, bitter cold, and source of the lethal projectiles we went. It was time to find out what everyone was made of.

The Amari sisters and Felicia moved with grace. Their ears could pick out the lances of ice long before they came into view, calling out or side stepping them as necessary.

Ruin shielded Verse and I. She hefted a boulder large enough to intercept the lances of ice, while small and light enough to move it with speed.

It was slow going, but between Verse and I, we were able to make out the voices on the wind enough to categorize them into three distinctly different sources.

The first to reach us was the loudest. It was bluntly unkind to both us and itself.

The second was dismissive of us. Just enough placating words to assure us all was fine without communicating anything significant.

It was the last one that bothered me. She seemed hopeful, but off in a way we struggled to place. The last Verity seemed to find contentedness in something that just wasn't her.

When we broke through the outer sections of the Storm, it became clear we would need to split up.

Spirals of black paint and water rose from the beach, frozen into funnels that would serve as treacherous staircases. They ascended to the ceiling of Marble Hall and into a trio of different cores that colored the clouds around them.

Verse started up the nearest. Felicia followed just steps behind her.

"WE DESTROYED OUR SELF."

 She shot the rest of us pleading looks. "I think I can talk some sense into this one. I have at least been where this one is."

Ice began to crack and fall away behind Verse. Amari turned to Ruin. "I am not letting Verse out of my sight." The shark set down her boulder.

"Don't worry about us! Ruin, you keep Citrine safe!"

Ruin looked like they were going to lift nearest fox girl, 'Citrine' Amari up before holding her back instead. "Those stairs are delicate. If I had to guess, they are a reflection of Verity's mental state. I'm not sure us all trying to pursue a single Verity is a good idea."

"Well, we are definitely splitting up now." I said rather gravely.

Leaving the gray clouds to Verity and Felicia, we turned to consider the pink and black clouds.

"THERE IS MORE THAN ONE KIND OF STORM." Tugged us in one direction. "YOU COULD NOT HAVE KNOWN." Gently warded us off from the other.

The pink cloud had an imperious air to it, while the black cloud seemed mournful. The naked Amari sister's ears flattened hearing the last words. "I am going to gently ask that I not approach the black cloud."

"You feel responsible. Did you say something to hurt her?" Citrine did not even finish asking her sister before moving to give her a hug.

"Worse. We're not sure she would even want to see us."

Ruin stepped forward. "That sounds like something I can resolve."

"Don't worry Tourmaline. Ruin and I will make it right."

"Okay."

I looked between the two fox sisters. "Gemstone names. Interesting."

Citrine offered me a small smile, while Tourmaline seemed to be trying hard not to forget a memory. The sisters parted, with Citrine and Ruin making their way up towards the black cloud with haste.

"There were a lot of you and your sisters at one point." A deepening frown, but this could be useful. I decided to press her. "Did you know a sister to share a name with one who came before."

"My sisters look up to me as the oldest, unaware that I was the middle child of another batch."

"Okay." I said. "I'm counting on you then. You can appreciate what is at stake."

"That our best case scenario might be coming away from tonight cobbling together pieces of a Verity that barely knows us? The thought has crossed my mind, yes."

 

***

 

The fluffy pink cloud was a constant in the dreams I shared with Verity. Of course it would be the one that I dreaded facing.

As we neared the top of the frozen stairs that collapsed behind us, I shouted at the top of my lungs.

"Verity?"

"Whisper? But I hurt you." The voice was distant, but hers.

"Verity! It's okay! If that is what brings you back to me I will accept it."

Blinding pain shot through me as a lance of ice cracked against one of my makeshift stone carapaces and sent me tumbling down a few steps.

Tourmaline growled and sunk her canines into my shoulder, grabbing me and pulling me away from the collapsing stairs. After clearing the final platform of ice, the two of us collapsed, shivering atop a pink cloud.

Across from us sat a throne of black ice. Something rose up out of the throne and shaped itself into a statue mockery of Verity wearing a wicked grin.

How did one fight a storm?

I began to discard my armor before rising to my feet.

The solution was simple: Give up.

"Who are you?" I asked, in part to buy a little time.

"What does a truth make? I would like to think of myself as every bitter interpretation of the component parts that make up Verity." The lady of Ice turned to address me specifically. "Thank you for the crown, by the way. It suited me wonderfully."

This Ice Queen Verity was my fear given form.

What would Chorus do when faced with such a nightmare? Bend the knee? Help it find a way to exist as is?

No. Royalty had no place here. Not anymore. And yet...

The key was to take away their victory or turn it against them. Understanding what we were speaking to was a start.

"So you're Verity then." Tourmaline offered.

"As much as any voice in one's head could claim to be the one in control."

"So you are the selfish liar that Verity occasionally thinks she is." I had to give it to Tourmaline, she was navigating this conversation with more grace than I could.

The thing in the shape of Verity seemed to darken as its features sharpened. "Are you really here to dance? Or can we skip to the part where we are at each other's throats?"

Tourmaline backed off a step. It was time for me to switch in.

No need to drag this out. Verity and I knew how this would play out.

"You know what I am here for."

"Do you? Have you spoken a word to your friends?"

My body was at this point a frigid shell capable only of stiff movements. But the coccooned heart that beat at its core grew warm at the suggestion. I knew why I was here. It took a few false starts but I had been able to express more or less my intent to Phaedra and Ruin.

"I love her. The rest of Orbital Hall can burn for all I care." Harsh, but the cold was nigh unbearable at this point.

"Really now?" The simulacrum of Verity rose from her throne and began to stride forward.

"If Verity has seen fit to accept you as a part of her, then yes. My love extends to you, unconditionally."

A dark and cold laugh cut through the frigid air. This thing's voice had a sharp edge to it.

Tourmaline turned to me with a look in her eye. I gave her an approving nod for whatever she had in mind. "Whisper here has done what I said I would. She has forced dozens to confront their own traumas, uncaring how many might come to resent her for it."

The Ice Queen reached out to touch us both on the cheek. My vision went white with pain.

"Will you persist in this? Truly?"

"Yes." It was not even a question.

"If Verity needs to pass through the Pale Wood to get the help she needs," Tourmaline's voice trembled. "Then we will guide her."

"We believe you."

Ice struck ice. Again and again, until I understood the repetition to be applause.

"I have no quarrel with you. The Verity you seek will struggle to trust you with or without our intervention. Go ahead and claim what truth you came here for." The Ice Queen strode past us, reforming the spiral staircase of ice.

Tourmaline helped me up, and we both limped to the throne. Two halves of a broken Bolt Stone sat frozen in ice, Verity's heart.

We each took one half and rejoined the Ice Queen by the stairs.

"So, what should we call you?" I asked.

"Echo. We eschew this gender category of identity that Verse and Verity were obsessed with a need to change."

Tourmaline looked thoughtful. "There was a short period of time that Verse accepted they/them pronouns."

"Whatever helps you come around to the idea that we are not going away anytime soon. They/them pronouns will suffice."