Chapter 18: Chapter 18: Ruinous Hearts

Verity

There was just so little of me left. Enough to notice that one of my hearts had found its way into the hands of Whisper. But there was not enough of my soul self left without a body to feel any particular way about it. Not unless I wanted to risk burning out what little of my self I had left.

It seemed obvious only in hindsight what a body could do for me. Beyond being able to engage with the waking world, a body was a place to store reserves of one's self. Without rest or affirmations, I was genuinely at risk of spiraling until all that remained of Verity was in the memory of my friends.

That I could do nothing about it frustrated me to no end. Thankfully, rage and bitterness were always something I nursed and carried in abundance. Spend my blissful non-existence being angry would get me nowhere, but there was no one here for me to hurt beyond what harm being here in the first place had done already.

And so I set that my anger on loops, clinging to every little justification that helped me maintain my sense of self.

I needed something to cling to, a belief to temper my downwards spiral.

But what was left when doubts and fears have turned your body against you?

Allowing the reflections, fears, and doubts to drink deep from the blackened heart had been a mistake.

One moment my fears and insecurities were helping themselves to all the physical manifestations used to decorate my room and sense of self. In the next, I threw up angry boundaries that left only the idea of me sitting in the empty space that remained of my sense of self. Brutal, but efficient.

Without a finite reserve of each emotional reserve, I had only memories to work with to inform me how I should think or act. Injecting a little emotion allowed me to filter through and guide my actions so much quicker, but at the cost of giving into however it would skew my intent.

Adapting to my newly dwindling existence aside, I still felt largely the same. Okay, maybe I felt a little weightless, like there was nothing but possibilities ahead of me. The end of one chapter and beginning of another took the form of realizing the moment for what it was, the aftermath of a bad decision.

That I could make that assessment without room for doubt boded well.

So long as the Sun was up, I would only have myself for comfort.

I dropped the anger.

It would be nice to be gentle with myself for a change.

Hope and curiosity were in short supply, but I would do well to try and balance myself out.

If I wanted to, I could still see the three reflections who made off with the most important parts of me. They were all still me to varying degrees. I knew now they had no power over me beyond what I had given them. Apart from me, they took our fears and doubts before running off to find for themselves where their concerns would take them. I had empowered them to do this in the same way that Verse no longer felt like a core part of me, but someone else.

This time had been a mistake. But assuming I had a future, I could stand to do better at communicating what was going on in my head.  Whisper would've talked some sense into me if I had just opened up to her. Who knows? Maybe she or someone she knew had the answers to questions I had struggled to voice. 

There had to be better ways to figure this stuff out. Maybe I would keep one of my reflections around, or work on establishing some internal dialog. A problem for later.

Thinking about the future was hard. Any physical concerns of mine just felt so distant. It took effort to bring myself to care and be present for them, but my memories clearly outlined the importance of more prudent planning and an awareness of what was happening around me. I became dimly aware of Whisper cradling one of my broken hearts in her hands, but there was no feeling in it. Whatever my heart felt in that moment, it was not for my soul self to experience in its untethered state.

Although this did mean I could look past material barriers, through the walls of Orbital Hall and into the lush valley beyond.

I saw the Sun, and behind it the physical manifestation of a conscious entity. Their hair was on fire in the same way I wore clouds in the earliest days of my time at Orbital Hall.

If I could feel, the memory conjured up of being able to fall into the embrace of a cloud and be lifted off my feet would have brought to tears to my eyes. This is what I have chosen to believe at least. 

A moment passes. Another. Watching the sun rise into the sky was a peaceful way to pass the time. I could almost conjure up the feeling of my soul tingling in Sun's rays in the same way my body might. Something about it felt affirming. Like if I stayed like this, for a time I would not diminish.

The Sun blinked out of existence and for the briefest of moments, the world and I were bathed in darkness. 

In the Sun's place stood Lady Night, hands clasped over her mouth. There was a gleam in her eyes. And in that moment I am saw not fear, but excitement. Whatever I was to do or become, I stood at the precipice of that moment. For the span of a few blinks, the Sun had stepped aside so that Lady Night could steal a peek at unfolding events. Of all the things that could prompt the Sun to step aside for the Night, it was my reflection that featured most prominently at the center of Lady Night's attention.

As suddenly as the moment began, it passed and left the world bathed in light once more.

A moment later, and I felt something reaching out to bind my intangible being. One emotion, another, and then the full weight of another's love drowned out my diminutive presence. The feelings washed over me with a physical weight to them, drowning me in much the same way that fear had done. Whatever this was, it filled in the empty spaces of my being. I felt my self fill out as if my being was being painted in the most forgiving of lights.

And then I was falling into the very physical embrace of a body.

I had a physical presence in the world once more.

An unfamiliar one.

This body had not been crafted by my hand.

But it had been given to me all the same.

 

***

 

I opened my eyes. All eight of them.

The voice that spoke was not my own, but a softer and higher pitched approximation.

“Whisper, what have you done?” The voice was not quite Whisper's, and not quite mine.

My vision danced and swam with images of naked fox girls and frozen reflections of my fears given physical form.  But before I could complain, I found myself disconnected from the vocal chords of this new body.

Whisper spoke in a thunderous cry augmenting her own voice. “AH!” The figures in my vision took cautious steps back and away from us. “Sorry!  You can have the voice back in a moment. Tourmaline, can you answer Verity’s questions?”

That got a nod from all four copies of the naked Amari sister.

"Thank you. Only one of us is going to be in control of something at any given point."

And suddenly Whisper’s voice was mine to command.

I blinked.

When I opened my eyes, a sense of relief set in as only two responded my intent. The world was put to right.

Trying to adjust to being able to perceive the physical world again was abrupt enough. Adding six more eyes on top of the arrangement was too much.

But in gazing upon my frozen self, I could make out the reflection of the body I now inhabited. The largest two of Whisper's eyes held windows to my starry night of a soul, dimmed greatly since this morning.

The six eyes above mine blinked open to reveal Whisper's red hues. They had darkened since our last encounter.

It took effort to remain present and not be drawn into that memory.

“Explain.” I hissed, before trying to soften my voice. “Please.”

"We thought you were gone..." Tourmaline started.

"OH DON'T BE SO DRAMATIC."

Tourmaline's response came in the form of growled words. "Echo, you said you would not fight us on this."

"I AM NOT. SHE PRESERVED ME. I DID THE SAME FOR HER. IT IS AS SIMPLE AS THAT."

Tourmaline's eyes fell to the half of a bolt stone she held in her hands, another half of a heart long broken in a confrontation with my parent of a storm.

I could not move so much as shake and quiver in Whisper's body.

What was going on?

Why was I staring at a copy of myself?

Every movement felt like it took extra effort on my part.

"Verity. Hold still. I need you to listen to me." The Fox in Wolf's clothing did her best to speak as slowly and calmly as she could. I spent my impatience twisting her image into an unkind reflection like the Ice Queen version of my standing at her side.

The bolt stone was pressed into my hands. Whisper's hands? A third pair of hands, Tourmaline's, cupped my face in an effort to turn my attention away from the spiraling thoughts and back into a world of very physical pains and sensations.

"Verity?"

Everything felt so very very wrong. "She put me into a body."

"I know. I know. One you didn't make." The sensation of being pulled against Tourmaline caused me to shake. How could anyone be so open in baring their scars to the world?  "Shhhh. It's okay. You don't have to keep it. Whisper just wanted you back and she couldn't think of any other way."

Tourmaline pulled away enough to look into my eyes. 

I closed them, attempting to slow the distress of having to exist in the world from inside a body that was not my own.

I needed a moment.

This was too much.

I was too weak for this.

Slow down.

Start small.

Budget my curiosity.

I turned my attention inward. The least I could do was take stock of the body Whisper had given up for me.

Exposed to the cold, the body that Whisper offered up was not much better off, with one exception.

The half of a bolt stone heart that bound my consciousness lay delicately wrapped in a silken cocoon.

Warm. Cozy. Secure.

A dense lattice of web spiraled out from it in every direction, connecting me to the various parts and functions of the body I still conceived of as Whisper's.

As if noticing my explorations of the body I inhabited, Whisper took control of the voice. "Can you nod for me?"

Discomfort. Pain. But a nod in the affirmative. Whisper's body was bound together by strands of silk. It explained the resistance to my every attempted movement.

"Okay. Good. Take your time. Okay?"

Around my heart skittered a small eight legged entity. She left in her wake an array of silk tendrils that were quickly falling under my control.

Most of the thicker tendrils formed a binding of armored plates held in place by interconnected chords of silk.

A test tug showed me that the thinner strands gave me a feel for aspects of Whisper's body in a closer proximity to my core. I could feel other inputs rippling out from something else sharing this body. A warning from Whisper's heart? I would treat the thinner strands as if they were delicate for now.

With the shape of this new body beginning to make sense, I had questions. Why give each exterior plate of chitin an individual chord?

The answer came in the discovery of bones folded between bones. Sharp bladed appendages lay arranged in a way that they could be flicked out. Individual strands allowed armored plates to reconfigure if need be. I could appreciate having fine control over one's own body at least.

Unable to decide if my explorations were intimate or invasive, I released the silk strands that extended from my heart's tugging. I blinked a few times, realizing I could not speak. Silk strands vibrated as a number of little skittering entities rearranged which strands connected to which heart. In this configuration, I could speak, but Whisper could not.

"Is this okay?"

Whisper blinked once.

"Uh. Blink once for yes, twice for no?"

Nothing.

"Oh. Were we counting that first blink?"

One blink.

"Okay. Um, Whisper?"

A very slow but singular blink.

I pulled at the strings to arrange our mouth into a smile.

"Thank you for this."

No response.

That was fine. We still had a lot to sort out.

I turned my attention to the more delicate strands.

There were far too many to account for just sensory organs. Extra hearts? Backups? Did something in here help her work with more eyes or her tiny friends?

Drones were the word that stuck in my mind from prior chats. I hated the term.

Curious, I pulled at one of the delicate strands until it was close enough for me to feel my heart grow cold.

I would recognize a vessel for bottled up thoughts and emotions anywhere.

Before Whisper could take control, I whispered loud enough that I hoped only she would hear.

"You knew I was nurturing poisons inside me. Didn't you?"

I could feel our voice strain at the end, like my hold was tenuous at best.

Instead came a single blink.

Deep breaths Verity. No time for doubts.

"You get it. You saw what I came from."

One blink.

"I'm sorry. I never intended to do harm to that town. Just existing in proximity to you all is too much."

Two blinks in quick succession.

"You can talk."

I cast a sidelong glance as I waited for Whisper to take over. Tourmaline quickly covered her mouth, but her smile reached her eyes. Echo seemed content to watch me struggle to function in a new body.

"When Verse tried to hurt you on the first day, not once did you strike back. You seemed so relaxed moving about the room on a cloud, intent only on trying to talk down someone who would not listen. It was like I was looking at an entirely different person who had nothing to do with the Storm that had just torn itself to pieces on the town's warding Bolt Stones."

I blinked once, slowly and thoughtfully.

"And then you threw yourself in the path of Verse's indiscriminate anger. You didn't know me or Amari. But the kinds of entities that inflict the kind of harm that draws students to Orbital Hall would never put themselves at risk to protect a stranger. That was enough for me."

Oh.

I turned to Tourmaline, suddenly a little conscious that there were others listening in on this heart to heart of ours.

"You morsels are absolutely precious. I think I can see why my sister thinks the world of Verse."

What could I say to that?

I felt Whisper's voice thrust back into my hands.

And then my curiosity ran out, dousing the moment in apathy.

Tourmaline's eyes widened as my own must have darkened by a shade. She took me by the shoulders and shook me. "Whisper. Something is happening to Verity. What is going on in there?"

"Give me a moment."

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I think the voice was taken away from me.

I wasn't paying attention.

"I think she is burning herself out."

My eyes were growing a little heavy. Sleep was starting to sound like a lovely idea.

How long had it been since I had gotten a full night's rest?

The cold didn't bother me much. This body was starting to feel numb anyways.

Tourmaline was wearing clothes again. How did that work? Too much trouble to ask.

Warmth.

My eyes snapped open. A flash of anger pushed me to wakefulness as I clenched Whisper's jaws.

"Do. Not. Touch me." I growled the words.

Tourmaline backed away, hands raised. From her grasp fell the corner of an oversized wolf pelt that she must have draped around my shoulders.

I looked down. In a body that wasn't mine, warmed by the corpse of a beast that Tourmaline conjured up from her soul on a whim.

It was funny.

I laughed. My thunderous voice coming from Whisper's throat amused me greatly.

"WHATEVER YOU DID. I LIKE IT. CAN WE KEEP THIS VERITY?"

I turned and lifted my reflection by the throat. "You are my echo. You can speak only when I have spoken." The recreation of me took too long to wipe the indignant look off her face. " Do you know why I laughed?"

An attempt was made to freeze our arm solid, but Whisper was way ahead of her in disconnecting the armored plates between the wrist and forearm. The pain went no further than that and seemed tolerable enough. Echo opened her mouth, changed her mind, and instead did her best to shake her head.

Good.

Those inspired by the shape of abusers were not worth listening to. Maybe given time she would find a better example to follow.

"It's funny." I growled. "How even anger brings with it a certain kind of clarity." I set my Echo down back onto her feet with a vicious smile. "To think I could ever find comfort or warmth in bodies built for abuse." My hands sunk deep into the oversized wolf pelt. "Thank you for this. Both of you. I think I am starting to appreciate what you two have given me. We were so lost attempting to navigate our own traumas that we failed to realize our pains attracted those with similar scars."

Tourmaline, for her part, pressed a hand to her heart and inclined her head.

Something about the way Whisper blinked suggested hesitation.

Ah. It would do no good to spend our anger here. There were better targets for that. I looked down at the other half of my broken heart. A poor vessel for the long term. But the short term?

"Echo." I snarled. "Make yourself useful. How long would you wager that I have?"

"OH NOT LONG. NOT UNLESS YOU ARE WILLING TO CANNIBALIZE PARTS OF DEAR LITTLE WHISPER."

Tourmaline gave me a concerned look, which gave her just enough time to catch my response.

The other half my heart tasted of sorrows.

"Verity!"

A long term sacrifice for the capacity to do more in the short term. "How long did that buy me?"

The thunderous laugh of Echo spread throughout the Marble Hall. "EXCELLENT. I WOULD SAY YOU'VE BOUGHT YOURSELF A TURN OR TWO. I WOULDN'T PUSH IT IF I WERE YOU."

No turning back now. It would have to be enough.

I turned to meet Tourmaline's gaze, dropping the anger for a mournful look. "Sorry you had to see that. Couldn't let Whisper stop me. She's seen me do it before."

Tourmaline looked like she had several responses to that. "Against my better judgement, I trust you. What do you plan to do with such little time?"

"No more doubts. I'm not sure I have time for that. But if I were going to hurt myself, a less kind part of me would go through my friends. I'm going to prevent my reflections from doing something I'll regret later."

Tourmaline looked almost amused at the idea. I got the impression that she and Whisper had already risked harm coming this far. "How can I help?"

"Don't let them hurt Whisper."

Tourmaline bared her fangs as she turned a gleeful eye to Echo. "You handle the talking. I'll keep your little siblings in line. Sounds like a plan."

"Echo, be a dear. Crush some ice into something small and put one turn on the clock. I know you're here to hurt me, but can you settle for watching my time run out? Just for tonight?"

Echo cast me what I interpreted as a wary glance before doing as I asked. A neat little hourglass forged of ice and filled with black painted particulate.

I turned to Tourmaline with a sad smile. "I guess the Chorus is going to get me to play their little game after all. It is time I set out and claimed something of value."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm not the one shivering. Besides, Whisper hasn't seemed fit to complain."

"Whatever this is you are going through. She wanted you to play it out in full, I think."

One blink.

"Come here you. This pelt is big enough to warm the coldest of hearts."

Tourmaline joined me under the embrace of the wolf pelt, and we began our descent down a crystalline staircase.

"When this is done, and after we have finally gotten some rest, you and I are going to talk about what the Pale Wood did to you and your sisters."

There was discomfort in the look I received in reply. "Are you certain? I feel like you and Whisper need more than a little time to rest."

I found my head resting on Tourmaline's shoulder for the briefest of moments. "It's my trauma. I get to decide who to share it with."

Tourmaline's composure faltered as she laughed in a way unbecoming of an inscrutable Amari. "Fine. You and I can indulge in some more therapeutic violence with Whisper spectating instead of the Headmistress. Maybe we'll talk then."

Two, three, four very rapid blinks.

"You're going to have to explain yourself, Whisper."

She did not.

 

***

 

"Explain yourself." Ruin said. Quite calmly considering she was leveling a length of sharpened onyx at my throat. Which was honestly pretty reasonable all things considered.

Behind her, a very sullen looking Citrine clutched at a blackened heart. I was sensitive to the fear in her eyes as she glanced from Echo to the fur wolf pelt before meeting the gaze of eyes not entirely my own.

Both of them were stained up to their necks in black paint.

"I'm here to eat that thing behind you Citrine is clinging to like her life depends on it."

"I got that. But Citrine and I went to a very dark place to retrieve it. We want answers."

"And I don't have time for this." But I did my best to push the anger threatening to spill from my heart back down.

 "But I need to know you are not going to hurt yourself. I cannot let this all be for nothing. I'm sorry, Verity. Whisper, whoever I'm talking to."

I knew what I was and what I wanted of myself.

Freed from my fears, doubt, and the self loathing that stood between the self I wanted to build, the path seemed so clear.

I just was not strong enough to walk it. Not without my friends. I needed to know that they were fine. And that I was not unleashing anything too monstrous into the world.

Fine.

If they went to a dark place to deal with one of my reflections, the last I could do would be to meet them halfway.

I submerged myself in the melancholy of the broken heart I had feasted on like I had done to father's heart before it.

There was an acceptable level of violence that had to be permitted. As evidenced by, if nothing else, Ruin leveling a blade at Whisper's neck to protect... Citrine? Me? Too much trauma going around.

"When the rain stops, what remains of my body will be spent. As I am now, I might not last that long." I gestured to the dwindling size of the black clouds we stood atop. "I need to make sure that whatever is left over is worth affirming to become its own Verse. To that end, Whisper has shoved me into her body."

Ruin narrowed her eyes. "And how is that working out for you?"

"I hate feeling trapped in a body I had no hand in shaping. That feeling is no different knowing that it is Whisper's. But because it is hers, there is something that makes the feelings more complicated." Whisper's eyes closed shut, and did not open. No time to wonder what she was up to, so I continued. "Between that and being on borrowed time, I've had to come to terms with some things."

Ruin relaxed and lowered the onyx blade of hers. "No one gets to choose the first body we are thrust into."

I clenched my teeth. "But we do! We can choose not to eat, lie to ourselves and others, fight a feeling that something is fundamentally wrong with our bodies every step of the way until we've bent it something that suits us."

She shook her head. "That's not a choice. That's self harm."

"And I know now that even harm pointed towards myself affects others. It sucks the oxygen out of the room until only my trauma is all I or anyone harmed by being in my orbit can think to prioritize. I get that now." I felt a hand come to rest on my shoulder. It was not mine, but Whisper attempting to provide me some small gesture of reassurance. It brought a smile to my face. "I treasure this, I think. If Whisper were to ask for this body back." She wouldn't. She had so many more where this came from. "I would not return it to her with a single strand of silk or carapace shell out of place."

"Okay. That's good. That's a start." The blow from Ruin that followed was more playful than painful.

Being touched still caused me to grit my teeth, but I had not established that boundary properly yet. Maybe I wouldn't have to.

"I don't think you get it. But you're on the right track." There was hope in Ruin's smile.

What did she see? Did I care what Ruin thought? Did it matter? Maybe a little doubt was healthy. I had come so close to pushing aside and hurting my friends in an attempt to act without hesitation or doubt.

"I still think you're wrong." I said, looking up at Ruin with a defiant expression. "I can never take the pain I have blindly perpetuated on behalf of the Stormfolk that created me back. But I still had a choice to do better, to be more aware of the harm I was causing.

"That's good. You are worth reclaiming from those that hurt you. It's why I decided to lose the armor and be more open." She turned to look over her shoulder at Citrine. "Leaving yourself open to love and pain is worth it."

I found myself looking at Citrine too, but all I could see was how different Tourmaline seemed from her sisters. "I still think the very idea of what we were made to be can worth destroying on a fundamental level. Where you see harm, I see creating something outside the boundaries of what even those who have had time to heal will allow themselves."

Ruin gave me a cautions look as her voice fell to a whisper. "And this is better?"

I met her eyes unflinchingly. "For me, I cannot choose anything else."

Ruin looked crestfallen at that. She clutched at her heart before looking between Echo and I. "Okay. Yeah." Despite words of agreement, Ruin seemed unwilling to step aside.

Maybe she thought she had missed something.

But it seemed like a shared sorrow had served its purpose in allowing me to empathize with her. I let the emotion go and reached for a byproduct of so many years of quiet rage and dissatisfaction. It felt good being able to wear determination in the face of being able to achieve something and make forward progress.

For my friends, I could be patient. Giving Ruin the time she needed to make a decision was worth it.

We stood like that in silence, neither quite ready to move.

Citrine's voice broke the silence. "Some of us cannot afford to act out in the slightest without being replaced."

"Or worse." Tourmaline growled.

We all turned to give the Amari sisters our attention, but neither seemed willing to elaborate further.

Three blinks, all six eyes. Perhaps Whisper wanted to speak, but wanted to ask permission?

"Go ahead." I said. "You can have the voice. I'm listening."

Ruin raised an eyebrow, dispelled the moment Whisper's voice sounded different from mine.

"What Verity and I have is a gift. A privilege, really. Lady Night focuses on those whose conflicts are largely internal. Not everyone can afford the indulgence of dreams."

I weighed signaling for Whisper to hand me back the voice, but I a part of me liked getting to hear her speak. Instead I reached out to spell out my reply in the wet paint coating Ruin's arm. It helped that I would be seen making an effort to include Ruin in the conversation.

"Do I have time for this?" I could feel the doubts finding their voice once again. I would receive all that and more the moment Citrine handed me back my blackened heart. I had to steel myself for the overwhelming weight that pushed me to get into this predicament in the first place. For Ruin's benefit I made an addition. "Doing this right by you all is taking a lot out of me."

Whisper took her time replying.

Ruin gave me a concerned look, but I shook my head.

None of us wanted to get this wrong. It was worth it. It had to be.

Whisper's eyes shot open. "Felicia seemed passionate about the subject. You're more likely to get her willing to open up than an Amari sister. She's with Verse confronting the last reflection."

I nodded. Not much had changed in what I needed to do.

Why then did everything start to feel so wrong?

We all turned to descend once more, but I found myself slowing to a stop.

"Citrine. I've changed my mind. Would you mind holding onto that heart for me a little longer?"

"Are you certain?" She looked somewhat relieved.

That was good.

No time to ask why though.

I had reached the limit of my determination.

Only the unkinder parts of me remained.

There were other emotions I could have tapped, sure. But they were not parts of me I was willing to sacrifice without feeling like I would no longer be Verity.

The curiosity and determination had carried me far enough.

I could rely on my friends for the rest.

I looked up at Ruin and smiled.

"I'm okay. I'm in good hands."

When my capacity to stand upright on Whisper's legs gave out, I got one last look at my friends before falling into the embrace of black facsimiles of storm clouds.

There were looks of concern and surprise on the faces of all but two.

Tourmaline and Echo.

Both turned and reached for the blackened heart that Citrine held.

Nothing I could do short of believing that my friends would make things right.