Chapter 6: Chapter 6: Reaching for Something, Anything

(There will eventually be a very brief dismemberment content warning in this chapter. For now I am offering spoiler options of an uncensored and alternative description of the scene.)

Vessel

I understood day and night. To further divide and classify intangible things like the passage of time into the turning of a sand-filled glass mystified me. Chorus lifted the oddly curved container before flipping it over. A full turn marked the sand making its way from top to bottom through a channel that permitted only a tiny stream. Chorus took a moment to explain that most lessons were planned to fit within the limits of a turn or two. Other uses for the term were beyond the scope of today's lesson.

Learning these things was what I was here for, but each lesson led to ever more questions. Trying to figure everything out at once was shaping up to be more exhausting than I could have ever imagined. I found myself slumping against Amari who wordlessly supported me. What was that about? More questions, always more questions.

The Chorus had a question of their own, now that the lesson was over. "If any first timers here feel confident they can surmise the concept of Reconstitution in their own words, I would appreciate it. Take your time gathering your thoughts. If you are struggling with the concept you are free to remain and I will work with you. Otherwise, you all may take your leave."

A clawed hand with blue fins and webbing was the first to catch the Chorus's attention.

"Yes. Rend was it? In your own words please."

Rend flashed rows upon rows of vicious teeth before clearing their throat. "Our fleshy bits are divided into layers called Aspects, right? When they run out of steam, they need restoring or the personality we put into em bleed right out. Aspects get refilled doing things that validate the quirks and values we put into em in the first place." Rend's eyes darted between the most exhausted students. "Course none of that will stick unless the inner most Core binding everything together gets time to rest. Finally we must remember that greater sizes, number of Aspects, and complexity all increase the demand for rest and renewal."

"Correct on all counts, thank you Rend for the succinct summation. Now I want you all to practice what you've learned. Go forth and take some time to rest. Orbital Hall has an accommodating schedule for precisely the reasons you've learned here." The Chorus preemptively split off into their component parts to intercept approaching students.

As several of the attendees began to crowd around the Chorus, I turned to get a sense of what others were up to. How was the time, turns if I wanted to embrace proper terms, spent between scheduled lessons with Instructors?

I caught many looking for what I intuited to be familiar faces. Unspoken invitations passed from student to student. Four of them seemed to be focusing their attentions on Amari and her sisters. There was no real way as far as I could tell to tell them apart, a fact that seemed to be shared by these students. Like Amari had done for me, the sisters were the ones that took the initiative to reveal themselves to those looking for the one they knew. Did that make me the spare for the fifth of the sisters? What was that about?

No. One of the sisters led Ruin by the arm over to Amari and I. Ruin made a motion of rubbing at her neck while looking between us. Unsure, she cut a very different picture of herself that lacked the confidence that sent her into a recounting of the lesson on Reconstitution. Positioned now alongside one of the Amari sisters, it struck me just how big Ruin was. She didn't cheat like how Verity and the Chorus could grow to fill the space. Had I been standing, I still would have needed to crane my neck to meet her gaze. Instead my eyes again seemed set on betraying me by trailing the rough grey skin of her arms that reminded me of more solid and rugged storm clouds. Where had Ruin even procured such a form? How did she decorate her arms with muscles and scars he way she did? Or was some of this not intentional?

 "See something ya like?" Ruin had decided on what to say, picking words I didn't know how to respond to. When I failed to respond, she tried a different approach. "You the one that damn near unraveled on their first day?"

Amari stiffened a bit. "The empty shells are on hand for more than just educational purposes."

Ruin backed off at that, her stance softening in ways her features could not. "Oh, right. That was rude of me wasn't it? Sorry bout that. There's no excuse for-"

"It's fine." I said, somehow causing both of them to drop the dialog they'd been preparing. The two shared a look before turning to me.

"I'm not sure it is though." Said Amari.

Ruin was right behind her. "Yeah. You've had a full day. The strain is likely compounding at this point." I winced at that, the reaction from me provoked her to continue. "You wanna grab a bite to eat? Has anyone gotten you a room to crash in yet?"

Amari spared a look at her sister who still stood close enough to hear. "I don't think I saw you grabbing a morning meal." Her words were gentle and brief, allowing her sister to provide a contradiction that never came.

"No. I have not done any of those things. I am unsure about food and I fear things that used to count as Reconstitution for me are no longer relevant." Something inside my thunderous core pulsed at that. A familiar pain I had no name for.

"Oh. I understand then, I think." Ruin's words fell to a volume of quiet that seemed awkward coming from one so big. "What you're going through. Um, I can give ya some space. If ya need it. Unless you want the company." Her voice trailed off at the end, taking her gaze with it. Where had all that confidence gone?

There was something in her subdued tone that felt familiar. I placed it almost a moment later. "It feels like I want something I can no longer have. I find myself unsure of what I might need or want from this point going onward."

Ruin fell into a seated position on the side of me opposite Amari. Somehow their quiet "Yeah," echoed far louder than anything else. The three of us sat for a while after that. A few false starts gave way to a contented silence now that most students had departed. If I knew better I would have suspected that I had just gained insight into the unspoken invitations students had shared earlier.

I felt a gentle nudge from Amari brushing her shoulder against mine. "It is best, generally speaking, to start with the basics. Rest. Nourishment. Self reflection. In that order."

The second Amari that had remained standing let out an impatient sigh. "If I might make a gentle recommendation. One of you could take Vessel to find a room where they can find space and time to decide on what is best for them. The other," her voice more pointedly projected at Ruin, "Could bring the others assembled here some food."

It took Ruin a few moments to get the hint, causing them to spring at the opportunity to be helpful. "That I can do! Whaddya eat? Never you mind. I'll bring ya a sampler!"

The Amari at my side offered her sister a quiet, near sub-vocal thanks received with a slight tilt of the other sister's head before turning to follow Ruin toward Orbital Hall's interior.

"What just happened?" I asked, unsure if it would be rude to rise to my feet until they were out of view.

"Ruin is a dear friend of mine, but she can be an armful." Amari said, slowly rising to dust stray grass from her self.

I wasn't sure why, but I decided not to ask how friendship between Amari and her sisters worked. "An armful. I'm guessing that is a lot."

Amari giggled, a very pleasant sound, before offering a hand to help me up. "There certainly is a lot of Ruin to go around. For better or worse."

"If it wasn't such an effort to move around in this body and take in all this Reconstitution stuff, I would like to think I could manage."

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"Hmm, they're actually meant to be easy to work with, that clay shell of yours that is. I really do think you need rest." Her tail swung from side to side before she offered a placating smile. "After, Ruin or I can join you for whatever it is you'd like. Failing that, give you a proper tour. Maybe we'll happen upon something that will catch your interest?"

What did I want? I wasn't content to let this sit for later. But there was a yearning inside me I had yet to express. I had to look back. Surely there was something I wanted. A cursory look down at myself to brush the grass off gave me what I was looking for. "Would it be hard to procure a mirror?"

"Not at all! I have one in my room. Although I do want to ask what you need it for. Mine is rather big to carry around, unlike the blade carried by the Chorus."

"I just thought being able to see myself might help with defining my Aspects." This was a sore subject, one I raised with caution. I could still feel echoes of my encounter with Verity. Thinking about wounds caused them to hurt.

"If you're sure." Amari sounded unconvinced.

"What?"

"Hear me out. Clothes."

"You say that like the word is self evident."

"Oh. Sorry." She stopped to look me up and down. "What do you see when you look at me?"

"You are adorn yourself in a mix of fur, skin, and have curiously inconspicuous eyes."

"Can you give me a little more detail?"

"Uh. Orange fur that mostly confined to your head and tail that I now suspect is used for balance."

"While correct, not what I'm getting at. Go on."

"Your skin is smooth and pale. Now that I look at it closely the white fur is-"

"Ah! There it is! No. This robe is made of fabric. Think of it as, um, more fibers sourced from plants or animals that form an outer layer you can wear."

"So you didn't make that?"

"Me? Personally? No. While tailoring clothes for one's self can be a fulfilling task for some, I and my sisters all picked out pieces more out of sense of self expression." She paused to study my expression before choosing her next words. "Think of them as low effort Aspects you can swap out for utility, comfort, or just cause you like what you see."

"Are they difficult to make? Work with? Where would I even find my own?"

"Slow down there. We're similar sizes now. I would be happy to let you try on some of my spare clothes. I think it'll be the best way for you to figure out your taste in clothes is. We can work from what you like and dislike before deciding anything else."

"Alright. You have my curiosity. Take me to your room. Oh, and my room I guess. However that whole process works."

Amari giggled. The reason eluded me and she refused to elaborate.

 

***

Receiving my own room was a simple as asking the right people. Amari assured me that anyone would have been happy to point me in the right direction, but I was glad to skip to the heart of the process.

Orbital Hall was named for its spherical shape. Everything within was shaped into levels and rooms to accommodate a variety of needs. I was familiar with the lower levels that housed entrances and public facing accommodations for those that did not intend to stay a while. We had just left a large space opened out and extended to serve as a garden.

Those who expressed an interest to spend any length of time within were housed further away from the hustle and bustle of more public and instructional sections. Upon reaching the Residential levels, I was able to speak with a Guardian prepared to ask what I was looking for in accommodations. Amari remained on hand to give me context so I could make informed decisions, but she seemed quite pleased with the answers I gave. It wasn't until later that I came across a map of the residential level's layout that I appreciated all the help in finding a room that fit my preferences. The residential section ended up being a gigantic maze once you got past the connective sections where Guardians remained on hand to handle directions and newcomers.

I was able to coax out of Amari that she lived quite nearby and that I desired similar enough accommodations to hers that I could move closer if I wished, but she had not wished to influence my decision making. It was something to keep in mind for later. My room was nothing worth commenting on. I had Amari and the Guardian assuring me I would be able to furnish it later.

By contrast, Amari's room was filled with wonder. Clothes of all colors hung from four separate racks arrayed around a mirror that nearly stretched to the ceiling. Where my room contained empty walls and simple bedding, Amari's room held a larger den of pillows and blankets lit by windows. The room and its furnishings were colorful too. I'd initially suspected she prepared to invite someone to try on clothes beforehand, but now that I took in the room I suspected the racks were placed as they were to serve as decor.

What was important was that I had found the mirror I was looking for and Amari wordlessly excused herself to the closet, giving me space. Sand hid the joints and connecting bits that held this clay doll together. Pressing a hand to my chest, I could feel the thrum of what energy and heat remained hidden within the hollowed out chest of clay. I had been carrying a jar filled with the sand shed in my fight with Verity. Opening it had just never felt quite right and now that I was here, I was confident I had made the right choice. Before me stood clay canvas upon which to sculpt a form more easily maintained. The problem was that I was now sure that there was nothing left within me to shape.

(Brief content warning: Dismemberment)

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