Chapter 13: 13 First Cut, Part Two

In the morning there was a gun on the table next to Angharad's bed. At least, she thought it was a real gun. She'd only seen them in movies, after all. It could have been a gun-shaped lighter for all she knew. Still, she didn't want to touch it, didn't want to think about someone coming in her room while she slept to put it there.

She turned away and dressed quietly, so she wouldn't wake up Sophie who still slept in the other bed, curled up in her sheets.

Tried not to look at the object sitting conspicuously behind her as she walked out the door.

*

Jin and Josephine were standing by the cafeteria building, whispering in front of the big sign. She had planned to walk toward the hospital but if they were looking at something, that meant there was something to see. She was still on the hook to investigate, after all.

Her feet were heavy in the gravel at this time of the morning and they turned to look at her as she came closer. Josephine's expression grew big and excited, then flattened out like she was trying to squash her personality back down again. Jin looked the same as he usually did. She hadn't really figured him out yet.

"There's a new rule," he said.

She reached them and looked up.

'4. EVERY RESIDENT MUST HAVE A WEAPON.'

It must have gotten cold in the night, because she pulled her cardigan tighter around her body and still could not dismiss the chill in her spine. "At least now we know what the bullets are for."

"If you are feeling the cold you may have my sweater," Josephine said. She was already trying to unzip the hideous yellow monstrosity she was wearing. It looked like a safety vest that had mutated into a hoodie. Angharad would honestly rather be cold than wear it. Even in this trap she still had her vanity.

She dramatically put a hand to her chest and said, "Oh, Josephine Liu, you're so chivalrous. Does Eleanor know that you're lending your clothing to other girls?"

Josephine froze with her sweater half unzipped. "It's not like that! I'd offer this to Sophie if she was cold, too."

"Mmm," Angharad said, amused. "Sophie is pretty cute."

"Just take the ugly sweater," Jin said.

This did nothing to change the mildly panicked look on Josephine's face.

Angharad clapped her hands together. "I've made a decision. Let's go investigate the library! I'm sure it's way full of interesting stuff."

"But the sign..." Josephine said, gesturing at it.

Angharad looked at Jin, who nodded once, then back up at the sign. "The sign will still be there when we finish looking at books."

"It speaks for itself," he said. "There's nothing to discuss."

"Let's go!" Angharad smiled at Josephine and tried not to think of the weapon in her room.

*

The library was not large.

Though it took them some determination to find it, in the end it was just one of many tin sheds that all looked the same on the outside and mysteriously had no sign. Inside the room was dark and stuffy, shelves stacked two layers thick with books.

"It's not like they can't put up signs here. I mean, whoever is in charge has put up two on the craft room next to the cafeteria. We could get signs for other stuff. Though, I mean, I suppose you don't really need one on the hospital because it looks like a hospital, but like, a creepy horror film hospital maybe," Angharad said.

"That could be a good challenge for someone with craft skills! I volunteer myself! I've been told I have excellent penmanship," Josephine said.

Jin shook his head. "You don't."

"Also, I guess you'd have to make the sign in all the languages people read. Unless you put descriptive squiggles on things? Like those confusing signs on clothing care tags," Angharad said.

"Ah," Josephine said. "Well, it is true that I have no talent for artistic renderings."

"People can just learn where things are," Jin said.

They left the door leaning almost close enough to the door frame to shut, and explored. Angharad noticed an ugly rag on one wall, hiding what she was pretty sure was a window. If she just shoved it aside enough— there, light could get in.

Though it was clearly someone's personal library, there were no chairs to sit and read in, only two small metal-top coffee tables that she supposed could pass for stools. Someone had already stacked some books on them; maybe Zelko. She wondered what kinds of things he liked to read.

Most of the room was covered in dust. She wiped a shelf a little cleaner with the balled up edge of her cardigan and tried not to sneeze. Under the Dome. Lord of the Flies. High Rise. And Then There Were None. She'd never heard of most of those books. Was there some kind of theme to the way they were all arranged or was it haphazard? She was so tempted to try to see the order of things, but she reminded herself that daddy always said that the human tendency towards pattern recognition didn't mean the patterns were really there. And anyway, she didn't know what any of these things meant.

She'd seen bigger personal libraries – daddy had taken her with him on business to meet all sorts of eccentrics, with large just-for-show rooms full of expensive paper books. At home her only paperbacks and hardcovers were the textbooks she liked to flip through, and all her other books were on her phone. Thousands of them, unread and inaccessible after three months without a charge. It was kind of weird that the solar recharge didn't seem to be working and there weren't any charging pads anywhere.

"Do you think there's any romantic books in here?" she asked.

"Romance novels?" Josephine sounded confused, so Angharad turned to look at her and the strange squinting face she made.

"I mean, yeah. I like to read about people falling in love. It's cute."

"Ignore romance. We're looking for clues," Jin said.

"Are we? Because I really just did want to see if there's any books I might want to read," Angharad said.

"Aha! Maybe this one!" Josephine said, and held up an old and ornate hardcover.

"Beauty and the Beast?" Angharad said, her fingers curling up in front of her face as she watched Josephine wave it around. "But I already know how that one goes."

Jin smirked. "There's five different versions, so take your pick."

"I think I'll try to stick to something I haven't tried before."

Jin pulled out a bunch of books with pink spines and thrust them at her. "Take these."

"Um, okay."

"Now we can leave. There's nothing interesting here," he said.

"There's books, though," Angharad said. "Books are interesting."

"I don't like reading. It's boring," Jin said.

Angharad blinked at him. "Wow, you have a surprising amount in common with Tsuyoshi."

He made a scoffing noise and elbowed her out the door. Rude.

"I will read anything you put before me!" Josephine declared. "I can win at any challenge."

"I'll bet." When Angharad looked at Jin she could tell he was as amused by Josephine as she was.

Outside the stuffy room, the air was as crisp as it had been before they'd gone in. Angharad felt like she would start to shiver all over again.

Jin nudged her with his elbow. "That's Josephine's girlfriend," he whispered, and pointed at a figure leaning against a distant shed talking to someone, a blur of mousy brown hair and clashing pink clothes.

"Is that Mac she's flirting with over there? Wow, Mac will flirt with any one." Angharad looked at Josephine, instead, to see her reaction, but her eyes faced the ground, and she kicked the gravel as she walked. "Are you guys fighting again or something?"

Josephine straightened up. "I would never fight with my lady love! Such a thing is unbecoming of a woman in love."

"Okay, sure. But, I'm just saying, if you want her to pay attention to you, maybe you need her to know she can't take you for granted." Angharad did the hair flip thing that always got people's attention, and leaned in toward Josephine. "And I'm still cold, so if you put your arm around me and she sees you can, like, heat up two birds with one stone."

"That's not how that saying goes," Jin said.

"Are you sure?" Josephine asked.

"Yeah, I'm, like, totally an expert of this stuff. You can trust me."

"We should be analysing what the new rule means," Jin said. He crossed his arms and scowled at them, a gesture that would be more effective in reproaching them if he didn't try it five times a day.

"So, you should talk to that person we know about it. Use large print on notebook paper if you have to. And I can do this, which is more fun," Angharad said.

"It's not safe for you to walk around alone," he said.

"Oh, please. Like half the people here think I'm a delicate flower that needs to be protected, so I'm sure nobody's going to let me get hurt. You don't need to be annoying about it. Anyway, I have Josephine who I'm pretty sure you've noticed is really strong."

Jin muttered, "Fine," rolled his eyes, and walked off.

Josephine clenched a fist and yelled, "I'm going to be the strongest woman in the world!"

Angharad put a hand on the sleeve of Josephine's hideous sweater. "Don't hold yourself back. I'm sure you can become stronger than all the men and robots and non-gendered people and terrifying creatures of the sea as well."

"You really believe in me. It's touching."

It was quiet for a moment while Josephine looked at her. Angharad bit her lip so she wouldn't say anything foolish. But after a weirdly tense half minute of standing there Josephine stepped closer, slid an arm around Angharad's shoulders and pulled her close. Oh, that really was lovely and warm. Angharad leaned right into that warmth.

"You're like a furnace. It's actually great."

"Oh, uh. I should take you back to your room," Josephine said.

"Hmm, no, I think I'll go to the hospital instead. I have something to talk to Dr Yeoh about, woman to woman."

"Ah."

Josephine's hand slipped slowly down her back as they walked. It felt pretty shameless not to mention that a hand on her waist was not nearly as warming as an arm across her shoulders, but nobody ever accused Angharad of having a surfeit of shame.

*

They parted just inside the doors to the hospital. Josephine turned to face her, first, before remembering to move her arm away.

"Uh, so. I'm sure you're warm now."

"Right!" She totally wasn't. The hospital temperature seemed set to Arctic chill. "So you should probably go grab your girlfriend now. I mean, I'm sure Mac is not actually trying to steal her away from you. But, you know, join their conversation. Be cool."

"Be cool. I can do that." Josephine swallowed air.

"Go," Angharad said, and pushed Josephine's shoulder closer to the door. "Go do it. Take action."

"I can do it," Josephine said. Then stumbled backward through the doors and outside.

Almost immediately, someone grabbed Angharad by the elbow and started pulling her back.

"Great, you're here," in Tsuyoshi's precise tone. "That new rule is fucked up and Zapville gave me a present."

She smiled at the way he used that name, and let herself follow with no resistance.

"Is it the good kind of present or the bad kind of present?'' she asked.

"You'll see."

His room looked much more orderly than the last time she was in there, as if the messiness of her own room had inspired him to a cleaning spree. He'd rearranged Zelko's books like they were a decorative piece and found a small table for the chairs to surround. No room to dance around and kick things about this time.

He waved a hand to indicate that she should look at the slim and striking table centrepiece.

"Is that—"

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"A sword. This place gave me a sword. Apparently, if we didn't bring our own weapons, it's providing them for us."

"Uh." It was almost as terrifying as the gun sitting on her bedside table. "Can you use a sword?"

"Everyone in Canada can use a sword."

"I'm willing to believe that."

She wanted to smile and make light of it but her face wouldn't cooperate. Up at the corners, right? Shouldn't be so hard. Tsuyoshi's hand clenched in front of her, like it was all he could do to stop himself from bursting into manic energy. Or like he was trying not to pick up the sword. Trying not to touch her again now that she'd seen his weapon, maybe. Just clenching tight, knuckles red, strangely ambiguous.

The sound she breathed out was almost a laugh. "It put a gun on my bedside table."

He squeezed his own hand tighter for a second, until she could see all the veins in his arm. "Zelko can teach you how to use it."

"I don't want that. I don't want to touch it. I've never— The idea of things like that is scary to me."

A hand could be a weapon if you were close, but a gun was a thing to fear from a distance. Just the idea of it was like a poison leaking into her world.

"And, anyway," she said, trying to shake off the mood. "Why do you need a sword for a weapon when you have that face? That's obviously the most dangerous thing about you."

His fist unclenched. The hand went slack, like he was relieved, like maybe for a moment he'd been terrified too. "All the boys are afraid of the power in my cheekbones."

His ever so theatrical hair flip loosened up that thing in her chest.

"Even I'm a little awed," she said.

"You're one to talk. I saw you looking cosy with Josephine in the hallway. How did you contrive that cuddly scene?"

"Oh, I just told her I was cold and that getting close with me would somehow magically get her closer to her girlfriend."

"Devious. And she fell for it. There is something credulous about her."

"Or, I'm just that good. And I really was cold."

He scrutinised her head to toe, then dragged her toward his duffle bag, surprisingly neat next to the mattress. "You weren't meant to be away from home later than August, yes? I'll assume you have no winter clothing in your over-stuffed suitcases. I have a leather jacket you can borrow."

"No, I can't take your jacket," she demurred.

"Oh, please. Who do you think you're talking to? I have more than one." The jacket he pulled out of his bag unfolded itself as he lifted it up. Black and a little rough, with pointless buckles on the side, and a name written on the care tag: George Okada. "It will be a little slouchy on you, but not so big as to be unflattering. At the very least, it'll edge up that outfit a little so you look less saccharine."

He draped it over her shoulders so she couldn't even argue. She smiled and let him rearrange her to his satisfaction.

*

She'd been sure she had something she meant to do in the hospital, but he walked her back to her room before she knew it, his hand heavy on the shoulder of her new jacket.

He'd left the sword in his room.

As they walked between buildings she kept thinking about it, about its sharp edges hidden in a sheath, laid gently on a table like it was any other delicate belonging. Anyone around us could have a weapon, she thought, and then, no, that's stupid. It's a rule now. Everyone around us has a weapon. She swallowed against the dryness in her throat as she saw a group of people half hidden by one of the sheds. Breathed out hard listening for the sound of someone else's crunching feet. Tsuyoshi's hand clenched on her shoulder, for a moment, fingers digging hard and painful into the muscle.

She didn't tell him not to.

They were quiet all the way to her room in the dormitory. She swung the door open to a silent room, and her eyes fixed on that thing she'd been trying to forget all day.

She tried to swallow her gasp. “It's still there.”

Oh, that was stupid. Why did she have to say such stupid things?

“I guess whoever is in charge here doesn't care about gun safety. There's nowhere to put that out of the way unless you want to keep it with your underwear,” he said.

He picked it up and started doing... something or other with it. Looking at the bits, she guessed. Taking something out of it. This was the first gun she'd ever seen outside of the movies, and even then she preferred romantic dramas and gentle comedies.

“Do you, um. Do you actually know how to use that?” she asked.

“Sure. I've had to learn,” he said, opening one of the drawers to put the bits in. “And we're going to store the ammunition separately from the pistol, because the last thing you need in this hell zone is a loaded weapon in your room.”

He shoved the gun in the drawer she used to store all her tights.

“Have you actually shot a gun?” she asked.

“Oh, Angharad,” he said, and straightened up to look at her with a grin so sharp it was uncomfortable to look at. “Let's never have that conversation.”

Sophie bounding into the room dissipated the tension. Angharad turned at the sound of her heavy steps, and Sophie stopped and looked up at them, big eyes wide under a messy cloud of fading pink hair.

“Did something happen?” Sophie asked.

“Uh, kind of, I guess?”

“The new rule gave our dear Angharad a loaded weapon,” Tsuyoshi said.

“That's dangerous! People shouldn't have guns lying around unless they're completely clear on the rules of gun safety. That's the number one rule, you know? Mm, actually, people shouldn't have guns lying around at all. There should be a safe. I wonder if someone here can make a safe,” Sophie said.

“That would be awesome,” Angharad said. “I bet someone here has a secret metalworking past.”

“Well, if you're going to talk nonsense, I'm going to leave,” Tsuyoshi said.

He twirled Angharad around, so she was forced to look at him as he walked to the door. Attention hog.

“Be safe,” he said, his voice gentle.

“You be safe,” she said. “You don't know what new weapons Neo could have. Maybe he's waiting out there with a machine gun.”

“I don't think so. He already had weapons. This place didn't see fit to equip Zelko with a new weapon, probably because he already had several. The rule didn't say everyone gets a new weapon, only that they must have at least one.”

“If you say so.”

He kissed her cheek and walked away, so she turned back to look at Sophie, already rolling her eyes at his behaviour.

“What did Zapville give you?” Angharad asked.

“It's probably because I've used a rifle and a hunting knife on the farm that this place gave me a big stick,” Sophie said.

Sophie grabbed something from the mess of sheets on her bed and held it up. Yeah, that was definitely a big stick.

After a moment Angharad burst out laughing. “This is so stupid.”

“Isn't it? We should take our big scary stick and go catch up with the other girls. Gemma and Mac definitely want to gossip about Jo and Ellie after all your scandalous cuddling this morning.”

Angharad barely held in a shriek. “Really?”

“Mac thinks they're going to break up again.”

“Oh, no, that's awful. I didn't want that. I want love to prevail.”

“Don't worry,” Sophie said, grabbing Angharad's elbow to pull her out the door. “They'll figure themselves out eventually.”

*

Angharad followed Sophie down the hall to room 11. The door was already open – the door was almost always open because Gemma and Mac didn't care about safety – and the room was full of laughter. Not full of much else, though. Gemma and Mac were tidy and packed light. Even the beds were made with military efficiency, or as efficient as any bed could stay when someone sat on it every day. Even so, there was contrast between Gemma's cross-legged pose and Mac's strange posture, slumping in on herself in the absence of something to lean on.

“We were given a stick!” Sophie declared, brandishing it.

“Me, too,” Gemma said, and tapped out a rhythm on the baseball bat placed across her lap. “Looking forward to playing baseball with some heads. Oh, wait, no, that's not how baseball works. I do play baseball, though.”

Mac pulled at the hem of Angharad's dress and muttered, “Sit next to me, pretty girl.”

“Okay,” she said, and complied.

“Ah, but I think the more important thing is gossip. Gossip is what keeps us sane,” Sophie said.

“Oh, yes, the gossip.” Gemma winked across at Angharad.

Angharad felt her face heating up, so she buried it in the shoulder of Mac's jacket, just for long enough to let her face calm down. “Are people really gossiping about me?”

“No, just us,” Gemma said. “Rest assured, nobody but Eleanor actually thinks you're a threat to her relationship with Josephine.”

“Well, good, because I'm not actually like that. But also, because I think maybe she should try harder to keep Josephine's attention. I mean, making her feel like she's second best is just kind of cruel. Commit or don't, I say.”

“But it's complicated, because the person Eleanor loves isn't here,” Sophie said. “Gemma would know about what that's like.”

Gemma blew her hair out of her eyes and leaned back. “Don't ask me about it. My love life is a wreck.”

“At least you have one,” Mac said. “Nobody was ever interested in me.”

“But that's so weird. Because you're, like, really nice,” Angharad said.

“Would you date me?” Mac asked.

“I mean, sure, if I was single. You would totally be on my list of options,” Angharad lied.

“Ooh, Angharad has a list,” Sophie said.

Angharad wanted to throw something at her, but the room was too neat to have anything to hand. Already she missed her own mess.

“It's a hypothetical list. Anyway,” she said, turning back to Mac, “boys are overrated. Don't be sad you don't have one.”

“Should I date girls instead?” Mac asked. She curled an arm too tight around Angharad's waist and leaned in with a smile, like the average sleaze in a bar.

Angharad fluttered her eyelashes dramatically and said, “Maybe, but not Josephine's girlfriend.”

“Both of you should stop flirting with the wrong people,” Gemma said.

Sure, Gemma wasn't wrong, and yet Angharad didn't feel like she would take that advice.

*

The embarrassment lingered, but all the laughter of the day warmed Angharad's face. Talking with people who knew her real name and seemed to like her anyway? It felt nice. She'd been trapped in one way or another for most of her life, by fake names and bodyguards and security systems. At least in this trap the name she used was her own.

She looked at herself in the mirror, wearing the jacket Tsuyoshi had placed on her shoulders, and thought that she liked the look of the person looking back at her. Her face had an almost feverish glow she thought she could get used to seeing.

I want to be the person this look promises, she thought.

And then she carefully, calmly took off the jacket, tied back her hair and walked to the bathroom down the hall, where she hunched over a sink and waited until her body had thrown up everything she'd eaten for the day. She slammed a hand against the wall so the world would stop swimming. Wiped the wetness from her face and tried not to pass out on the way back to her room.

It was late. She could talk to the doctor in the morning.

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