Chapter 5: Chapter 2.2: Endless Thoughts

TW: Sexual content

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“Whew, that was a pretty close one eh?” The tall man threw himself into the chair opposite Cardin after placing an order at the counter, shedding his dark grey coat and draping it at the back of the chair. 

Cardin eyed him apprehensively. He had no idea who this new stranger with the rust-coloured hair and amber eyes was. He looked like he’d just come from work, clad in formal grey pants and a white collared shirt, the sleeves of which he was now rolling up above his elbows before he let out a long sigh of relief. 

“What a day…” 

Cardin spoke cautiously. “Thank you for helping me back there.” 

“No problem! The name’s Nigel.” 

“Thank you, Nigel.” 

“Again, no worries. And you’re Cardin, right?” Nigel observed him. “Wow, he was right. You are quite stunning.” He leaned back to let the waitress serve up their order, a few plates of pastries, an Americano for Nigel, and a mocha frappuccino for Cardin. 

Cardin shifted awkwardly, not knowing how to react. “Who… who said that?” 

“Keary, of course!” Nigel slapped his palms together in thanks, then attacked the bakes with gusto. “Yosh, let’s eat! Help yourself, you must be hungry too.” 

“Keary sent you? To follow me?” Cardin was extremely confused. He hadn’t been able to get any messages to the dark-haired boy. How could he have known? 

“Well, not really follow you. More like”—Nigel paused to swallow, his cheeks stuffed with bread—“look out for you. Yeah! That’s what it is.” He chomped into another pastry. “Don’t be upset. He just wanted to make sure you were safe, seeing as this place is unfamiliar to you. Dude can get pretty paranoid sometimes. Usually it’s just him being worried over nothing.” 

Cardin tried to laugh. “Except this time, it wasn’t nothing.” 

Nigel paused. “Hm. True.” He took a sip of his coffee. “Any idea what that guy wanted from you?” 

Cardin shrugged and shook his head. “No idea.” 

Nigel’s amber eyes flicked to him, his expression overly-serious. “Could it be that he also needed a snow rake very badly?” 

This time, Cardin’s laugh was real. Nigel was funny. The tension eased slightly from his shoulders, and he leaned forward to bite into the chocolate danish in his hands, then blinked. 

“Oh my god, this is delicious!” 

“Right?? It’s my favourite bakery ever.” Nigel piled a few more onto his plate, and Cardin glimpsed a tattoo on his inner wrist: an ace of spades. “Have more! You look like you need it.” 

After a few moments of hearty munching, Nigel spoke again. “So, where are you from?” 

Cardin sighed. “I wish I knew. Keary found me a few nights ago, and I haven’t been able to remember anything.” 

“Hmm.” Nigel chewed thoughtfully. “Nothing at all?” 

“Well, a few flashes of memories, but nothing concrete that can tell me where I came from, or why I was out in the snow trying to escape from someone…” Cardin paused. “Or who I am…” 

Head tilted to one side, Nigel contemplated the blonde’s troubled face. Then he asked simply, “What’s wrong with just being Cardin Rasheville?” 

Cardin blinked. “What?” 

“I mean, think about it. Wherever it was that you came from, it can’t have been good if you were running away like that. There are plenty of people who would do anything to have a completely fresh start. What’s wrong with just staying here for now, until you actually remember something?” 

He had a point. Cardin hadn’t considered that perspective. But it was difficult to make that decision to put down the issue of his past when he had no idea what exactly he was giving up. And also… 

“But I can’t just keep being a parasite.” 

“So? It’s not hard to get a job. Look—” Nigel gestured towards the bakery. “I bet she’s dying to have an extra pair of hands around here.” 

Cardin’s gaze followed Nigel’s direction. It was true. There was only the one lady, a diminutive silver-blonde, who was rushing, albeit gracefully, from counter to pastry shelf to table to coffee machine. The queue of customers, which hadn’t been short when they entered, had grown even longer in the time since they’d entered the café. 

That’s certainly an idea, Cardin thought. A fresh start… A chance to build a new life however I want it to be… He continued to mull over the possibility as they worked their way through the small mountain of pastries. 

When they left, Nigel ventured out of the café first, checking that there was no trace of the man in black before signalling for Cardin to join him. Cardin opened his mouth to thank him again when Nigel said, “It’s getting late. I’ll walk you back.” 

“It’s alright! I know my way from here.” 

“Nah, let’s just be safe, in case that bugger’s still lurking around.” He tucked his hands in his coat pockets and started down the street, whistling a Christmas carol. 

……

As they walked, Cardin worked up the courage to ask Nigel more questions. He discovered that Nigel's family lived nearby, he had known Keary for about five years or so now, and he was currently employed as an investment specialist in an exclusive, private hedge fund. 

“Wait…” A thought occurred to Cardin. “What does Keary do for work? Is he in finance as well?” Cardin couldn’t recall him leaving the house in the last couple of weeks… he was somehow just always there. 

He remembered how Keary had bought things without second thought when they had gone shopping the other day, but it was clear that Keary himself lived minimalistically. Cardin felt a sense of guilt rise up at the idea that his host might have been spending hard-earned savings on him. 

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“Uh…” Nigel hesitated, scratching his head. “That’s a bit complicated. He’s probably the best person to explain it to you, really.” He caught Cardin’s expression and rushed to add, “You don’t have to worry about him in terms of money though! He’s doing just fine for himself. He’s got more than enough to do whatever he wants. Besides…” 

Nigel paused, words trailing off as he contemplated the path. Cardin waited for him to continue, but it was only when they were stepping up to the front door of the house that Nigel finished the thought. 

“Besides, it’s been awhile since I’ve seen him like this. Some light in his eyes.” Nigel rang the doorbell, then turned to Cardin. “I know it’s only been a short time, but I think you could be really good for him. He cares about you, which is extremely rare for him. Just remember that.” 

Before Cardin could reply, the door opened, and he heard Keary’s low, melodious voice greeting them. 

“Welcome back.” 

……

Perhaps it was the caffeine in the frappucino, or the situation with the man in black, or the memories he had tried to dredge up while standing in line at the store. Whatever it was, Cardin ended up having a nightmare when he went to bed that night.

He was back in the cold, struggling to put distance between an unknown, unseen pursuer. Blood streaked the white snow landscape around him, and voices cried out to him from the shadows. 

Run! 

Run!! 

Run!!! 

He sprinted desperately to the point that his breathing was ragged, picking himself up and staggering on each time he fell, until eventually, as it had been in reality, he was unable to get back on his feet, heaving limply into a field of snow. 

They’ll kill me if they catch me… but I’m tired… so tired… Maybe I should just stop running… I wouldn’t have to struggle anymore… 

He heard footsteps approaching him, but he didn’t have strength to move. He simply lay there, hoping that peace would come quickly. Someone tugged at his arm, pulling him so that he rolled onto his back. 

It was Keary. 

Are you alright? 

Even in the dream, relief immediately flooded through Cardin at the sight of the now-familiar face. 

Keary… 

The dark-haired boy leaned in close, his breath and hands warm against Cardin’s face. Cardin took in his scent, the same smell that was on all of his clothes, and relaxed. 

It’s alright. You’re safe now. 

Keary… 

Keary pressed his lips to Cardin’s forehead, and the dream shifted. Hot kisses began marking a trail from his brow to his eyes, down his cheek to his ear, tracing his lips, chin and jaw before reaching his neck. 

Keary…!

Cardin arched up into the touch that engulfed him, making its way down his body, which now felt like it was on fire, burning, burning… 

He woke up panting in the moonlit midnight. The air in the bedroom seemed sweltering, and he was covered in sweat under the thick blankets. In a semi-conscious frenzy, he looked around to make sure he was alone in the room. Sure enough, no Keary in sight. It truly had been just a dream. 

He checked under the blankets, and was relieved to find the sheets dry, save for his perspiration. Thank god for that. It would have been more than humiliating to have to explain if he’d made a mess. He sat up, covering his face with shaking hands. 

Putain... What was that?? 

As he tried to steady his racing heart, moments from the times they had spent together in the last few days surfaced in his mind. Keary playing the piano with grace… Keary leaning in close with a mischievous wink… Keary sneaking brief touches to his hair, his face… Keary stalking around the house topless and glistening after one of his extensive attic workouts… Keary reclining on the couch, dark hair tousled from sleep, his arm slung over his eyes to shield from the morning rays… Moments like these had made Cardin extremely aware of his own body and how it reacted to the other boy, but he had managed to push it away. 

Until now. 

He got up from the bed, went into the en-suite bathroom, and turned on the shower. But even after standing for some time under the running water, the pent-up tension still lingered, a knot in his belly that wasn’t going to go away with a simple bath. There was only one way that he would be able to get back to sleep. 

Hesitantly, Cardin reached down to touch the hard, tense muscle between his legs, and shuddered at the immediate pleasure that coursed through his body as he stroked himself slowly. This feeling, this desire, had been building inside him, although he hadn’t wanted to admit it. 

But he didn’t have to act on his desire. He could just relieve himself of this tension right now, go back to bed, wake up tomorrow, and carry on as usual. Nobody had to know. 

He closed his eyes and relaxed into the soothing flow of water that flowed over him and down his naked body. With one hand resting on the bathroom wall and the other going to work, he let his mind drift back to the scene in his dream, where this time, he gave in to Keary, and let him devour his mouth, his neck, his body, as he urged him on with hungry and increasingly desperate moans. 

Nobody has to know. Nobody has to know. 

Nobody has to know… 

……

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