Chapter 4: My lost chapter

In the car we were talking about kissing, I said I don’t know how to kiss and stuff, saying I'm embarrassed and stuff. Then I got a phone call.. At that moment. I didn’t want to lose my chance. I could do it. The courage I was trying to build up. I gave her a peck on the lips. Very soft, this sensation I haven’t felt this. It was a nice quick and probably rough peck. She says it doesn't count as a kiss. Why did I kiss her?. Basically she asked me what I was thinking. I told her I wanted to kiss her. Which leads to the beginning. When she said it doesn't count as a kiss. I think I was hurt a bit and I asked her to redo it. She said it's okay and I'm going to overthink it heavily. Is she wrong? No, she is 100% right. I am going to overthink heavily. Which sucks as an over-thinker. And why do you want to kiss me? I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to show my confidence, I wanted to show how much I like her. Me telling her about another reason why? Was it because I didn’t want to lose my chance against another co-worker? No, not really. Because it was more of a bullshit reason. To put up. And I was always a shy person when it comes to very very intimate stuff. She is the first person to break me out of my shell in a way of communicating like this. In the car. It was very nice. After talking about redoing it. She asked why I did?. I literally let my emotions take control. And feel what I really felt. I grab the side of her face with my hands on each side. And I look at her. As the soft music plays through the speaker. I come and say it with all the tension I've been feeling and My heart. I look at her eyes. Each one moving from one eye to the next every few seconds. I tell her and scream not literally, but i yell my feelings deep down

“I Like you, I like you, I like you”

Everytime I say it I get closer to her face. She puts her hands in front of her mouth to avoid kissing again. I didn’t realize I was scaring her. Now I think about it. It could’ve been scary to her. I kept shaking her. As well, saying this made me get excited, and I lightly punched the roof which made her scared. I didn’t mean to. I was very excited and my heart was anxious about what to do next so I proceeded to Saying I like you. I like you. And again I get closer to her face now we are bumping foreheads and my tone of voice got lower, continue to say i like you as she keeps her face covered, as if she is scared or possibly wants to leave. I kiss her forehead as a final gesture goodbye.

This happened Tuesday night. For the next two days we didn't text or speak a word and till now I am still overthinking it. Started myself to say, the Kiss meant nothing to her. So it shouldnt mean nothing to me?. But i can’t i'm scared, because it was the first time in a while my emotions got the best of me. I didnt feel anything the next day, maybe because I was confused. But now. I feel like I should apologize? For losing control. And for scaring her? I keep asking myself, was it out of impulse that I did all this to her? Or was it because of the tension I felt. I’ve been wanting to kiss her. For a while now because she has teased me saying “you wish I would kiss you right there” to me I would have loved that. I can’t tell If I should apologize or not. I am looking up on google scenarios. If I should Apologize or not. But I don't regret kissing her. But I am ashamed of myself for scaring her?. I’m confused and I'm sad…. Or am i? Maybe I should leave it alone. I dont know. what to do next. I dont know how I am going to act. I am a stupid person who let emotions get the bets of me. I should've just listened to her and taken the sentence to heart. “Everything takes time”

Even though I knew what she meant. I already knew everything takes time. It takes time to build a foundation and trust. It could be weeks to months to years. But my idiocy self. Is a big dummy. I guess the tension I felt with her in the car. Was built enough to explode. And the jealousy I’ve felt towards a co worker, gave a spark. And the phone call which pushed my courage out. And my feelings towards her. Made me kiss her. So now what? Do I just… run away?

Or do I just…. Do nothing…. I dont know what to do…

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