Shame and Desire

Chapter 1: Chapter 1


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It was the first day of summer vacation, and Devin had just finished his Junior year of high school. He was the only child of two parents, who stated that they would be going on a vacation with their extended relatives for a whole week. Devin didn’t want to go, and his parents surprisingly let him stay home. He was always rather well behaved and they believed they could trust him.

‘Don’t destroy the house, or get yourself killed’ they said, ‘or we’ll never let you have the house to yourself again’. He repeated those phrases in his head as he woke up.

He got out of bed and checked the time. 8:00. It was still pretty early but he didn’t intend to spend the entire day in his bed. He wasn’t really that tired.

He got out his phone and texted his girlfriend, Elise. He knew it was a bit of a long shot that her parents would let her stay at his house while his parents were not there, but he took the chance anyway.

Devin loved Elise, probably more than anything ever. It was pretty clear that he needed her much more than she needed him. The only times he truly felt happy were when she was around. He loved being with her, loved being around her, and because of that he hated what he was doing to her.

He wasn’t cheating on her or anything like that, but the truth was much more complicated. He was doing something to himself, and in turn was doing something to her, and he wasn’t telling her about it.

He looked back at his phone, and to his surprise Elise had texted him back, saying that she didn’t have anything planned for the day and would probably be coming to his house. He was surprised her parents were letting her do this, but he definitely didn’t complain. After all, he was going to spend some time with his girlfriend alone in his house.

Devin did hope Elise wasn’t expecting sex though. She had never asked for it or insisted on having it, but being teenagers, they could get pretty horny. He knew that she would probably expect sex at some point, but he did hold out hope that she wouldn’t.

The idea of having sex with anyone was repulsive to Devin. He wanted to say he didn’t know why, but he did. A deep part of him knew why the idea of having sex was so disgusting and wrong. And he reminded himself of that part of him when he went to his safe, hidden inside his closet, put in the combination, then took out his hormone pills.

For the past eight months he had been taking spironolactone and estradiol, in secret. He hadn’t told anyone about it yet, not even his parents. He got the pills online and the doses he got seemed to work. Pretty well actually. Eight months in and it was clear they were taking affect. His skin was lighter and softer and so was his face, which looked much more feminine than before. There was much more fat and weight in his hips and butt than there was before, any muscles he had were diminished, and he now had small A-Cup breasts, at least he assumed, he didn’t know much about breast measurements. The changes were pretty easy to hide… at first, but they became harder as time went on. At the end of the year he got a lot of puzzled looks from people wondering why he was wearing thick, baggy clothing in May and June.

A part of him was very happy about how this process was moving along. The part of him he called Sierra. Sierra wanted to look like a girl and hated the discomfort that came with wearing sweatshirts in the summer. She could be very insistent at times. In Devin’s mind, Sierra was the one forcing him to take these pills, the one that demanded getting electrolysis sessions with his salary from the part time job he had. She refused to go out in public with a 5 O’Clock shadow. She was the one who got excited at the idea of wearing women’s clothes, and the one who was begging to have a penile atrophy. And she wanted to come out.

Devin was very ashamed of Sierra, and of himself, for letting this part of him take control. Devin knew he couldn’t hide his changes forever. He was going to slip up eventually, but Sierra was pestering him to give up hiding it. His facial hair made it so people would always gender him male in public, and was a saving grace for him. Unfortunately Sierra had begun insisting he work to get that removed, and the recent electrolysis session left him without any semblance of a shadow on his face. Sierra had also been dying to get out of those baggy sweatshirts, as she didn’t see any reason for him to hide what was happening to him.

Devin hated Sierra. He was becoming a woman and he wasn’t sure if his girlfriend even liked women. He had been changing himself significantly and Elise didn’t know about it. He felt immensely guilty. He hated that he was doing this to Elise. But at the same time he couldn’t bring himself to get rid of Sierra. The thought of losing her was just too much for him to handle. He had created her to absolve himself of any desire of being a woman, and to make it seem as if he was becoming one against his will. He wanted someone to force him to be a woman, and this was the best he could do.

Sierra had mostly the same interests as Devin, except she also had quite the admiration for gender benders. She was in a discord server with a bunch of people online where they drew TF art. Sierra had even drawn a few TF TG art comics herself, and the people there seemed to like it. She stopped investing time into it, but she still liked seeing them. Quite a few of the people on that server were trans, but not Devin of course. He just had a transformation fetish. He wasn’t trans. He did not want to be a woman.

Sierra did swing both ways however. When she was 13, she discovered a site called “Fictionmania” and she was immediately a regular visitor of the site. She left a year later when she found “TG Storytime”, a more modernized version of Fictionmania that didn’t look like it was last updated in the 90s. There were two stories in particular she remembered reading a lot when she was younger. “For a Girl” and “Of Heroes And Villains”. It made sense. After all, those were the two most popular stories on the site. She had probably read both of them at least a dozen times. They were so comforting to her, and Devin hated that fact. The original authors who wrote those stories had been dormant for years, but the stories were very much alive in Devin’s mind.

Devin saw that Elise had pulled up to his driveway. She was here pretty early, which surprised him. Either way, he immediately ran to his room, put on baggy pants to hide his curves and a baggy sweatshirt to hide his breasts. He also made sure to put on a sports bra. He then ran to the front door to open it and greet his girlfriend.


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