Shame and Desire

Chapter 2: Chapter 2


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Elise was making her way to the front door of Devin’s house. Her parents knew she was going to his house, but they didn’t know his parents weren’t there. She didn’t tell them that part, since they probably wouldn’t have let her go otherwise.

As she approached his house, she knew that she would need to keep a close eye on Devin. She may not have been the most observant person in the world, but she wasn’t blind. Something was clearly happening to him.

Devin had been refusing any physical contact for months now, and she never saw him without a sweatshirt on. Even in the last few days of the school year, when it was really hot, he was refusing to take the sweatshirt off. Lately he was looking very apprehensive, and he always had his guard up. She wasn’t the only one who noticed either, plenty of people around the school had been picking up on his weird behavior. Like the fact that he was getting very clumsy and was bumping into things all the time, or the fact that his skin had been looking different. She tried to ignore it before, but couldn’t anymore. Something was wrong with him, and she wanted to know what it was.

She had remembered a lot of awkward interactions throughout the past few months.

***

Devin walked into the classroom, bumping into the wall before coming in. He almost dropped his stuff before he took the seat next to Elise and smiled at her.

“It’s pretty warm out, are you sure you want to wear that?” Elise asked him.

“It’s no problem. I like wearing hoodies.” Devin replied.

“But it’s 80 degrees out.” Elise told him.

“Again, it’s no problem.” Devin said.

She raised her eyebrow in confusion at him before she got her mind off it.

***

Elise saw Devin walking to his lunch table when Ryan came and looked like he was about to slap his chest. Devin quickly put his hands up to guard his chest and gave off a genuinely terrified look.

“Woah man.” Ryan said. “Is everything alright? It was just a little greeting.”

“Yeah.” Devin said. “I just… freaked out. I don’t know why.”

“Well, I’m sorry then.”

Devin and Ryan walked toward Elise at the table, but Devin still guarded his chest and didn’t put his hands down for a while.

***

Amanda turned toward Elise. “Hey.” She said. “Don’t you think Devin looks different?”

“Huh?” Elise said back. “What are you talking about?”

“I mean, he’s your boyfriend. Shouldn’t you notice these things?”

“I guess so.”

“Yeah. Why does he never take that sweatshirt off?” Amanda asked. “It’s May.”

“He says he doesn’t want to.” Elise answered.

“But it’s so hot out!” She responded. “Is he sick or something? I think he might be.”

“What do you mean?” Elise asked.

“Elise, look at this picture of you two last September, and look at this picture of you two yesterday. You can tell he looks different.”

Elise looked at the two pictures and was nearly stunned. She hadn’t noticed before but looking at it like this, he clearly looked different. He was much paler and his face was all weird. She couldn’t quite describe it but it just looked different.

“I’d keep an eye on him. I really think he might be sick.” Amanda said.

***

Devin was walking Elise down to her car at the end of the school day. After what Amanda had told her she made sure to get a really good look at Devin. And she couldn’t deny it anymore. He looked different.

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As Devin got her to her car, he almost tripped a few times, and even bumped into her car when they got there.

“Is everything okay?” She asked.

“Yeah.” Devin answered.

“You just, you’ve been clumsy lately.” She said with concern in her voice.

“Oh I’m sure it’s nothing.”

Elise looked at Devin with worry before wrapping him in a hug. He was caught off guard but unlike other times he allowed it to happen. But he still put himself in a very awkward position and seemed to avoid as much physical contact as possible.

While Elise was in the hug, she was able to feel his skin, or what little of it he allowed to show in his sweatshirts. It was a shocking sensation to her, mainly because she felt that his skin was even smoother and softer than hers. It was admittedly very nice looking but it was just another thing confirming that something was wrong with him.

“Well, I should head off then.” Devin said.

He gave Elise a kiss on the cheek before leaving for his car.

***

Elise did want to hang out with Devin, but she also really wanted to pay attention to him. Mainly to see if anything weird was going on with him.

She saw the door open, and then saw Devin greet her, still wearing the same baggy clothes he always did. Elise had to stop herself from gasping. He didn’t even have a trace of facial hair, and not only that, but his hair looked to be in a pixie cut, a style a short haired woman might have. She was able to keep this reaction to herself for the most part, but she’d definitely have to investigate later.

“Hey Elise.” He said. “Real glad you could make it.”

“Yeah.” She replied. “So are your parents really not home?”

“Won’t be until next week.” He answered. “A god send really. I need some time away from them.”

“I understand that.” Elise answered.

As Elise walked into the house, she wondered if his parents could have any answers as to whatever’s happening to him. Surely they’d know something was up, right? She’d have to ask them after they came back, if she didn’t find out before then.

Meanwhile, Devin’s head was in complete chaos. He didn’t show it, he’d been able to play it off cool for a long time, but right now a real battle was happening inside his head. Sierra was begging to come out. To finally reveal herself to Elise. Sierra even demanded to get the pixie cut, thinking it would look cute.

It was summer vacation, and there was only one more year before graduation. Sierra wanted to finally come out and live, to have one full year with Elise and possibly more if things worked out in college, but Devin didn’t want her to. Sierra thought herself and Elise would make a great lesbian couple, but Devin was still too ashamed of Sierra to let her come out. And he was just way too scared to do so as well. He was scared of many things involving Sierra coming out, but he was especially scared of Elise thinking he was a freak, a pervert, or a “tranny faggot” and then leaving him. He knew he’d become the laughing stock of the school if Sierra came out, but that was nothing compared to the thought of having Elise leave him. It was too painful to think about. Besides, did Elise even like girls? Devin wasn’t sure. He couldn’t ask her, obviously. Elise wasn’t an idiot, and that question would just give away what’s happening.

“So…” Elise asked. “Is everything going alright?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Devin responded. “Been going to a few colleges lately. I’m visiting my third one next week.”

“That’s good.” Elise said back. “But I was wondering if you’re doing alright. You’ve been worrying me lately.”

“Oh? Why’s that?”

“You’ve just been acting odd. At least, you don’t seem to be bumping into everything all the time anymore.”

Devin chuckled awkwardly. “Yeah… I don’t know what that was about.”

Of course, Devin knew what that was about. The hormones had shifted his body weight quite a bit, and his center of gravity was lower than what he was used to. Adjusting was pretty hard, especially when he was trying to hide all his changes. The result was him getting very clumsy and bumping into everything. He had mostly adjusted to it at this point though.

As they were talking, Sierra got a really insane idea. She wanted to go out. Maybe to a restaurant or mall or something, and see if others would gender her female. She didn’t have facial hair right now. Devin knew this idea was dangerous, but it was so hard to resist temptation. He was around the other people in school all the time, so they would of course gender him male because they knew him. But people seeing him for the first time were a mystery. Would they see him as a girl? Sierra was begging to know.

Devin tried to fight. If strangers were gendering him female, it would definitely give away what’s happening to Elise. At the very least it’d be awkward. Try as he may, Sierra won.

“Do you want to go out?” He asked Elise.

“Sure.”

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