Chapter 13: Chapter 13

“Well, look at that.” Ronald said, looking at his computer screen. “Your father is on facebook, talking about how Trump won the election.”

Julie sighed. “Can we talk about something else?”

“Are you really just gonna ignore this until it’s too late?”

“Why are you so pressed about this? They’re not your parents.”

“No.” Ronald answered. “But a friend of mine said his parents went insane after they bought into that QAnon stuff. And I don’t want that to happen to your parents.”

“They’re not going to become ‘QAnoners’ or whatever.” Julie responded. “I know they’re smarter than that.”

“Do you?” Ronald asked. “Because they’re going down a pretty bad path right now.”

“What path? What are you talking about?”

“Are you even listening to me? I’m talking about the path to believing a bunch of insane conspiracy theories. Look at their facebook. They’re already sharing a bunch of anti vaxx shit, some Covid denial, and they believe Trump actually won the 2020 election. Who knows what’s next?”

“I know they can be bad.” Julie replied. “But they’re not going to go insane or anything like that. They still have some sense in them.”

“Well I think you ought to be tougher on them. And also stop inviting them here. I don’t want our kids dealing with this.”

Soon after Ronald finished that sentence, Elise opened the front door and came into the house.

“Elise.” Ronald said. “How was it?”

“Oh, it was good.” Elise said back. “We didn’t really do much.”

Ronald shook his head, “ah”.

“You know.” Julie started. “You’ve been spending an awful lot of time there lately. Is there something going on?”

Elise shook her head. “No, not really.” She lied.

Ronald furrowed his eyebrows. “You’re not getting into any funny business over there, are you?”

Elise let out a groan. “No Dad, I’m not.”

“Just making sure.” Ronald said.

Elise walked away from her parents, not wanting to have any more awkward questions thrown her way.

“Looks like my parents aren’t the only thing you’re overly concerned with.” Julie said to Ronald.

“These are completely different situations.” Ronald told her. “Please don’t try to compare them.”

***

Once Elise opened the door to her room, she saw her younger sister, Emma, sitting on her bed, doodling on a sketchpad.

“What the HELL are you doing in here!?” Elise asked her angrily.

“You know your room is a lot nicer than mine. It’s not fair.” Emma replied.

“Get the fuck out!” She demanded.

Emma sighed and left the room. Emma, being two years younger than Elise and having just finished her freshman year of high school, was always an annoyance to her. The two sisters had never gotten along very well, which seemed to be the case with a lot of siblings. Elise wasn’t always so mean, but people invading her space without her permission was something she really hated.

Once Elise got to her bed, she did what she usually did. She went on her laptop and mindlessly browsed the internet for anything that might entertain her. Usually she ended up going on social media sites to see what her friends were up to. They always posted some stuff on SnapChat or Instagram each week.

But no matter how much she tried to entertain herself, her mind could just not get off of Devin. Or Sierra, she corrected herself.

What was in store for them in the future? Would they still be together? What would their reputation be at the school? Was she even still attracted to Sierra?

Fortunately, they only had one more year at their high school before graduation, so their reputation there was not something of utmost concern. But the other questions proved really difficult to answer.

Elise was straight. She had never liked girls before. She had only liked guys, for as long as she could remember. She was sure of it.

And yet she wasn’t so sure of it. Sierra looked like a girl right now. Most people who had never seen her before would probably gender her female, as evident from the employee at the mall the day before. And Elise expected that, with her being a girl, she would not be attracted to her.

But the truth was that she wasn’t sure. Was it because she was so used to Sierra being a guy? Was it because she actually was attracted to girls? Or was Sierra just the one exception? To make matters worse, she was asking herself all these questions when she wasn’t even sure if she was attracted to Sierra in the first place.

As she thought everything over, it became apparent that this was most likely not something she could solve on her own. But who could help her? It’d be rather shitty of her to tell one of her friends about Sierra right now. She couldn’t talk to her parents about it. And Sierra herself? As hurtful as it may have sounded, she probably wouldn’t be much help here.

Elise groaned and laid her head down onto her bed. In her mind, she played through their entire relationship. She had boyfriends before in the past, but none of them lasted very long. Devin was different. Together they had made it past the one year mark, which kind of shocked her, as she didn’t think much would come out of being with him, just like with all her previous boyfriends.

There hadn’t really been any complicated start to their relationship. Devin was kind of a nerd, and so was she. One thing led to another and then they got together. It wasn’t as if teenagers really had many long and complicated starts to their relationships anyway, so they didn’t stand out.

There was something really charming about Devin that Elise really liked. All of his semi odd habits, like his obsession with putting everything in a list format and his tendency to talk for minutes on end about random subjects were things Elise found admirable.

And she especially loved his YouTube channel. Devin had mentioned that he was a Todd in the Shadows fan and it was pretty easy to see, considering his videos mostly revolved around ranting about music. He seemed to be quite the fan of making “Worst Hit Songs of X Year” videos. So much so that when a public speaking class allowed for a presentation that could be about literally anything, Devin had apparently chosen to do a presentation of “The Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2006”, before he even made the video. Elise wasn’t in that class, but from what she heard, two things were certain: Devin was really good at presentations, and he really hated “London Bridge” by Fergie.

Even when others would call him weird, Elise was never not proud to say Devin was her boyfriend.

But now Elise had suddenly been introduced to this large part of Devin that she didn’t know at all before. And it was all very disorienting.

Elise closed her eyes and imagined Devin’s, no, Sierra’s face. Her soft cheeks devoid of any facial hair, her short brownish blonde hair, her bright blue eyes. It was a very nice face. And a cute one, if she was being honest.

Elise opened her eyes. Could she really leave Sierra? It seemed like such an insane thing to do. Sierra was really happy when she was around. Would Elise really want to ruin that? But, at the same time, what if the relationship turns into one she can no longer keep?

Things were undoubtedly going to be tough for them. She might need to call on a friend for help. And she’ll need to find out how to ask for it without giving anything away.

You are reading story Shame and Desire at novel35.com

***

Devin couldn’t stop pacing around his house.

What was happening to him? Whenever he was alone, he hated himself. He called himself a disgusting pervert and a miserable piece of shit. A loser for letting this part of him become as strong as it has.

And then when Elise showed up, none of that mattered. She still seemed to like him, even with all his weird quirks. When she was around, he’d fall into Sierra, that girl he so desperately wanted to be. And the one that he admonished himself for wanting to be.

It was like he was becoming a leech, dependent on Elise’s presence to be fulfilled. And that was a very toxic dynamic, leading to bad one-sided relationships.

Who the hell even was “Sierra”? Just some person he made up? Was he really still trying to convince himself that Sierra wasn’t him? Why?

No. Sierra wasn’t him. She was someone else. An alien. An infection. A parasite. Anything. Anything but him. She wasn’t him.

It was her. She was making him do everything. She was making him want to be a girl. She was making him take the hormones. She was making him enjoy the changes they brought. She was making him get the electrolysis sessions. She was making him start a new voice training regimen. Devin had nothing to do with it.

Devin tried hard to convince himself this was the truth. That Sierra was within him making him want to be a girl. That she was making him like being a girl. It had worked many times before.

But not anymore. The illusion was fading.

It just didn’t seem to work anymore. This idea Devin created that he was “infected” with Sierra. That she wasn’t a part of him. That she was “forcing” him to do everything. At this point it seemed like too much effort to keep the fantasy going.

Deep down, Devin always knew he was bullshitting himself. He wasn’t actually insane. He didn’t actually have Multiple Personality Disorder or Dissociative Identity Disorder or any mental condition of that kind. He was faking it in order to absolve himself of any guilt. It was much easier to try to convince himself he was turning into a girl “against his will” than to accept that he was doing all this to himself.

Devin took a few deep breaths. He had gotten way too worked up and needed to cool off. He laid down and tried to clear his head, which worked well for a little while before his mind forced him back.

Sighing, he got up from the couch and went to a body length mirror, running a hand through his brownish blonde hair.

What was he doing? He was sounding insane. He imagined what could have happened if he actually went through with the whole “Sierra has control of my mind” shtick with Elise. No matter how he would have handled it, it would have gone badly. Very badly.

He leaned in closer toward the mirror. It was time for him to accept that Sierra wasn’t some kind of foreign being. She was part of him. She was… him. They were the same person, and he needed to stop pretending they weren’t.

Closing his eyes, he told himself “Sierra is not a different person. She is you. She is you.” He repeated that phrase a few times before taking a deep breath and opening his eyes.

It had actually felt rather calming to admit that. It was as if a massive weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He felt better. Quite a lot better. He couldn’t help but smile.

He should have just admitted Sierra was a part of him from the start. It would have saved him a lot of effort. And a whole lot of headaches.

Sierra let out a light giggle. This whole thing had been really silly. How could she have tried to convince herself that “Sierra” was some kind of foreign infection when she had specifically picked out the name “Sierra” because she liked it? Maybe she just read too many TG stories.

Though that wasn’t entirely fair. Sure, many of the main characters in those stories start off as male and then become female against their will, but at the same time, many superheroes get their powers against their will, and in general a lot of popular media just has things happen to the main character against their will. It’s a common trope in storytelling that isn’t always indicative of some kind of refusal of self acceptance.

Also, blaming those stories for causing her mental problems was like blaming video games for causing violence. It’s not the entertainment’s fault she had some mental issues she needed to work out.

Sierra pursed her lips. She had to admit though, that she was still right before in one way. That for her, it was much easier to accept becoming a woman “against her will” than it was actually transitioning and accepting that she was becoming a woman “by herself” so to speak. And that aspect still had to be strong in TG content, regardless of any common storytelling tropes.

Devin took a deep sigh. Sierra could never be around for very long unfortunately. It seemed his mind always pushed her out if she overstayed her welcome. And just because he had accepted Sierra was a part of him didn’t mean that that part still wasn’t a shameful, disgusting part.

“Believe me, there are way too many creepy men out there. Too many for us to handle. If you ever stop covering your body in three thousand layers of sweatshirts, you’ll understand.”

What the hell was wrong with him? Was he really happy about being a girl? All that sexism, sexual harassment, and prejudice that the average woman would have to deal with on a daily basis and thinking “I want that”. He was such a prick.

“Let’s be fair” a part of his mind went, “you just want to be a girl, it’s not like you actually want to be sexually harassed, it’s just the unfortunate reality of life”.

“That makes sense”, Devin thought, “After all-”

No.

It didn’t make any fucking sense. If he were to give in to his sick fetish and become a woman, he would be choosing to face all that. Women didn’t have a choice. They were born into it. He wasn’t. He had a choice.

“But you didn’t choose to be tra-”

He shut out that thought immediately. He didn’t want to go there.

Furthermore, was he not just another creepy man? He was still leaving a lot of details out when talking to Elise. How would she react if she found out that he had masterbated to these TG stories? That he had masterbated to TG TF art? She’d probably have a much different, more disgusted reaction with him.

“She’s probably masterbated before, you know?”, the same stubborn part of his mind said, “do you think she’d tell you everything she’s masterbated to?”

As stubborn as that part of his mind was, Devin himself was even more stubborn.

“Do you think she masterbated almost every day? To some kind of fetish? No. If she ever did masterbate, it’s to normal stuff like a person she finds attractive, not to some kind of specific, bizarre, offensive fetish”.

That made sense. To him, it was such a good argument that the part of his mind that disagreed became quiet, and he grinned. His grin faded when he realized he had just said that aloud. He was really lucky no one else was home.

***

“So, to sum everything up, we have a terrible R&B song with cheap production and awful singing with lyrics that are insanely creepy if you actually stop and even remotely listen to them. I guarantee this guy did not know what ‘shake you down’ meant. Or maybe he did, but that would actually be even worse, so to give him the benefit of the doubt, I’m going to assume that he didn’t know. With all this in mind, I can easily say that ‘Shake You Down’ by Gregory Abbott is the number one worst hit song of 1987.”

Devin smiled as he turned the iPad camera off. He didn’t have the best recording equipment, but it wasn’t as if his family was very rich either, so he had to make due with what he had.

He thought that take was really good. He was almost done with the recording process of his “Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 1987” video. He just had to record the outro and he’d be done. Then it’d be on to Sony Vegas for the editing process. Overall, he thought the video would come out well.

Devin groaned as he collapsed onto his bed. It was dark out, and he should probably get some sleep. He didn’t technically do much that day, but it still felt like a ton had happened with all of the mental challenges he went through. Also, he had a shift tomorrow, which he was not looking forward to.

As he stared up into the ceiling, he thought about what the future would hold for him. He’d been thinking about that a lot recently. Arguably too much, but he couldn’t help himself.

What kind of person would he grow up to be? What would his relationship be with his parents? His friends? Elise?

It was a lot to think about. The next few years were definitely not going to be a cakewalk, that was for certain.

You can find story with these keywords: Shame and Desire, Read Shame and Desire, Shame and Desire novel, Shame and Desire book, Shame and Desire story, Shame and Desire full, Shame and Desire Latest Chapter