Chapter 19: Chapter 19

Devin and Elise felt the cool summer breeze blow through them as they both sat on a bench swing, reading “For a Girl” on Devin’s phone. The bench swing itself was covered by a few trees in a shady area, a blessing for them, as they were approaching the time of year when the sun could get exceptionally brutal.

The reading session was going fine so far. Devin even let out a light chuckle at the part where Stephanie vividly recalls having a female orgasm in a classroom, only to find out she’s actually starting to have one in real time. However, that couldn’t be for long. Devin knew what was about to come, and it was going to be difficult, not to mention uncomfortable, to read.

Elise, on the other hand, was more curious than anything else. She was mostly wondering if the author had actually done what Devin had said they did. It seemed so bizarre and gross that she couldn’t believe it. But at the same time, it wouldn’t have made much sense for Devin to lie about it, considering he would have nothing to gain.

She didn’t know why she was so eager to read on to see what would happen. If Devin was telling the truth, it would be a pretty gross and tasteless use of sexual assualt in a scene. But the prospect of reading and finding out for herself still very much allured her, much in the same way that a car accident allured people.

Awful things just seemed to attract attention.

***

“Holy shit.” Elise said as the spanking scene concluded. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Yeah, that was basically my reaction when I first read this.” Devin replied. “Just… very shocked and grossed out. It was very uncomfortable. I didn’t like it. Quite a few reviewers thought the same thing.”

“I can see why. What the hell was that? Why did the author think it was a good idea to put that in there?”

“I really don’t know. I guess maybe they wanted to appeal to the crowd at the time? A lot of those old Fictionmania stories had really weird, gross scenes like this.” Devin paused for a split second. “Actually, on second thought, I’m not sure if that’s true. I read some of the reviews from 2003, and there were quite a few people who thought this scene was bad even back then.”

Elise shook her head. “I just don’t know what the author was trying to get across here.”

“Well, as someone who has read this story multiple times, I don’t know either.”

***

Devin and Elise continued reading through the seventh chapter, making some comments and general banter along the way. Once they were finished with it, Elise stood up from the bench swing and stretched herself out.

“Jeez, I think I need to take a break after that one.”

“Yeah… I think I do too. Shit, what time is it, again?” Devin checked his phone. “1:08. You sure you don’t have anywhere special to be today?”

“No, unless my parents spring something up on me again.”

Devin snickered. “Yeah, really sucks when parents do that, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it does.”

Devin nodded his head before looking around his backyard, and then at the road connecting to his house.

“Have you ever seen my neighborhood?”

“No.”

“Would you like to?”

Elise smiled. “Of course.”

***

The walk wasn’t very long. Devin’s neighborhood was fairly small, and in an isolated area off of the main road. There wasn’t much to see or do. Still, it had some nice views and was worth the time.

Well, at least mostly.

“God fucking dammit.” Devin muttered as a neighbor’s dog began barking.

Elise giggled. “You really hate dogs that much?”

“Yes, I do. Everytime I just want to take a walk around to clear my head, that dog comes in and ruins it with its barking. Now everyone knows we’re here.”

“Oh come on, dogs are cute. Just look at the one barking at us. You really can’t say it’s cute?”

Devin turned his head to look at the dog. “Sure, it’s cute. But it’s also annoying, and dirty, and loud.”

“I can’t believe you. So tense and serious. You need to wind down more often.”

“Is that so?” Devin grinned. “Well maybe you could give me a back massage if I need to wind down.”

“Hey.” Elise playfully hit Devin on the back. “Not in public. Thought you just said you didn’t like attracting attention.”

“Not here obviously. Back in the house. I’m not that clueless.” He responded.

Shortly after Devin said that, the phrase “I’m not that clueless” continued to run through his mind. Specifically the word “clueless”. For some reason Devin suspected that something was wrong, and that he was doing something very reckless and stupid.

It was then that Devin stopped dead in his tracks. Elise, taking notice of this, stopped as well.

“What?” She asked.

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“I’m not wearing my sweatshirt.” Devin said the words quickly and bluntly.

In his mind, Devin was screaming at himself. How could he be so clueless? How could he have forgotten to put his sweatshirt on? What was wrong with him? And this was just a neighborhood walk, what if he had forgotten to put a sweatshirt on at a restaurant, or a mall, or a movie theater, or anywhere in public? What would he do then? Just stand there as people stared at his breasts? He was hopeless. Absolutely hopeless.

Meanwhile Elise was more puzzled, and a bit concerned. She looked down and confirmed that he was indeed not wearing a sweatshirt. She actually found it weird that she hadn’t noticed, and also found it weird that she was already getting used to seeing Devin with visible breasts and a showing bra strap.

A part of Elise was a bit astounded at Devin’s lack of self awareness. He did realize that he didn’t look like a guy, right? The shaved legs, the pixie cut, the soft face, and obviously the breasts were a pretty big giveaway. As long as he didn’t talk, most people would look at him and just see a girl. Did he really not realize that?

“Hey.” Elise said softly. “Hey, it’s okay.”

“No. No, it’s not okay.” Devin said. “Look at me!”

Devin felt like he was about to hyperventilate. Never again would he make a mistake like this, ever. He had to be more careful. He didn’t just forget to put his sweatshirt on, he didn’t even realize he had forgotten until midway through the walk. He needed to keep himself in check, or else Sierra would be revealed to everyone before even the week was over.

Elise grabbed Devin’s hand. “Devin, please, calm down.” She then pulled out her phone and opened its camera. “Devin, look at yourself.”

Devin turned his head to face Elise’s phone. “Umm, you’re not going to take a picture, are you?” He asked nervously.

“No. LOOK.”

Devin looked at the phone for a few seconds, trying to figure out what Elise was wanting him to see.

“I- I don’t get it.” He said after a while. “What am I looking at?”

“Yourself! Devin, I don’t know how else to say this. You don’t look like a guy anymore.”

Devin, still on edge, was about to shoot back and say that he definitely looked like a guy. But he didn’t. His mouth was kept shut.

This obviously wasn’t the first time he had thought about what other people would see him as, and the part of his mind that insisted that he truly did look like a girl was still very prevalent and loud within him. But it was the first time he had heard someone else directly tell him he didn’t look like a guy.

“It’s Elise. Of course she’d say that to me. She’s my girlfriend and she wants to be nice.” His mind argued. “But look at yourself. Can you really say that most people would see you as a guy right now?”

“Do you think you look like a guy?” Elise asked.

Try as he may, Devin couldn’t answer that question. He didn’t know what he thought. His mind went on debates with itself far too many times for that to be the case. The best he could give was an incredibly vague answer.

“I know what I look like.”

Elise sighed. “I’d really like it if you actually answered the question.”

“Does everything have to be a big interrogation scene?”

“No. Come on, just please tell me. Do you think you look like a guy?”

Devin stood there silent, still unable to answer the question.

“Devin-”

“I DON’T KNOW!” Devin shot back. “I don’t know! My mind keeps telling me I look like a guy but it also keeps telling me I look like a girl! I- I just… it’s so frustrating! It’s driving me insane! What am I supposed to do!? What am I supposed to believe!?”

“Devin, calm down. I don’t want you to have a panic attack. Deep breaths… please.” Elise pleaded with him.

Hearing Elise’s desperation, Devin closed his eyes and breathed in and out, deeply. Slowly but surely, all the tension seemed to evaporate off of him, and it was actually rather soothing. When he opened his eyes, he felt calm again.

“You know, with all your worrying, you want to know something you didn’t realize?” Elise asked. “The world didn’t end, no one noticed anything, and in the grand scheme of things, none of this really mattered.”

“I’m sorry…”

“I don’t want you to be sorry. Look, these past few months I’ve been worried so much about you. I don’t want to have to be worried. I want you to be okay. I want you to be better. Not for me, for yourself. I see you and there’s so much tension there. I want you to relax, and just live for a bit, okay?”

“Yeah, I understand.”

“That’s why I love Sierra so much.” Elise said. “She’s not so tense. She’s just happy, and enjoying life. She doesn’t need to ask if she looks like a girl, because she knows she is one.”

Devin swallowed and nodded his head. “Okay.”

“Can Sierra be here more often?”

Devin hesitated and took a deep breath. “I’ll think about it.”

“Please do. I’d love it if she could.”

“Yeah… yeah, okay.” Devin said quietly.

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