Chapter 23: Chapter 23

It was another frustrating and tedious day at Sheetz. Devin never voiced any of his disdain for his job. If he did then he’d be complaining all day. He assumed all of his coworkers felt the same way. Working in retail was just miserable.

It was apparent that not every one of his coworkers followed his “no speech” line of thinking.

“Listen, my shift starts at 12, so I come in at 12.” Liam stated firmly.

“I wanted you in early.” Morgan said to him.

“You are the manager, not the boss. Do you have that power?” Liam asked her. “I don’t think you do. Hey, remember when I did extra hours and got no extra pay for overtime? The fuck was that?”

“Look, I don’t control your salary. If I did then-”

“Oh, so you can control my hours but not my pay!?” Liam interrupted.

“Just get to work.” Morgan replied angrily.

Devin breathed in deeply. He never really enjoyed listening to the tense confrontations between those two. They tended to have them quite often, but Liam was never fired for it. Devin still had no idea how.

There was a part of Devin that strongly envied Liam’s ability to stand up for himself. It was true that Morgan could be unreasonable with an employee’s work hours, and she often stepped out of line and abused a power she most likely didn’t have to assert that. Liam was not someone who would simply take that. He had a spine. He stood up for himself. Devin never did. Most of the time people just walked all over him.

Liam went to the same high school as Devin, and they were both in the same grade, but even with this job they didn’t know each other very well. They never talked much, and it didn’t look like they were going to start anytime soon. Devin sometimes thought that he should go up and try to converse with him, but his anxiety would never let him. He couldn’t start conversations with people he didn’t feel comfortable with. He wasn’t entirely sure why, he just couldn’t.

He wasn’t even sure what he was afraid of. Some kind of vague concept he couldn’t quite define forced him away from socializing with new people. He was trying to get better, but his brain was convinced that whatever that vague concept was was scary enough to keep him away.

The brain could be a bitch sometimes.

***

It took an eternity, at least it felt like it did, but Devin’s shift finally ended. He headed out to his car and began the short drive home.

While he was driving, a thought came across his mind. He had a license, a job, a car, and he was living in a house by himself. It almost made him feel like an adult. Of course, he was still in high school, and his time alone was a one-off occurrence as his parents would be home the following week, but still, he couldn’t deny how it all made him feel. For the first time in his life, it felt like he was in charge of himself, and was making his own decisions. And the hormones he was taking without his parents’ permission or knowledge definitely helped that feeling.

When Devin pulled into his driveway, he had a smile on his face. One train of thought had led to another. He couldn’t help but imagine himself as a confident, intelligent, independent, and… beautiful adult woman. Someone who defends herself, and doesn’t let people walk over her. Someone who people look up to, and admire. Someone who people can count on.

Yeah, that’s the kind of person she’d grow up to be. No matter how hard Sierra tried, she couldn’t envision herself as being an adult man. It seemed so fundamentally wrong for her to grow up to be a man, not to mention gross. She had to grow up to be a woman, or else there was no adult life she could envision for herself. Unless the mental equivalent of white static counted.

These thoughts continued to mull around in her head as she walked through her front door and plopped down on one of the living room couches. What would she look like, as an adult woman? Would she have short hair like she did now? Or would she grow it out? She remembered always wondering what having long hair would be like, when she was younger. She had to find out eventually.

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Sierra’s smile only grew larger as her mind kept showing her different versions of what she could look like as an adult woman. There was something beautiful to her about a boy growing up to be a woman. More specifically a confused, depressed, and awkward boy growing up to be a confident, content, and beautiful woman. It was a process that she could deeply connect with.

Devin quickly shook his head, snapping himself out of what felt like a trance.

He had lost control of himself again. Sierra was becoming easier and easier to fall into. His mind had even begun taunting him, telling him to give in and asking why he was still fighting. His mind kept saying that he would be much happier if he just let go, and let himself be Sierra. To fully give himself into what he desired. After all, there was nothing to be ashamed of, right?

He felt like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and he wasn’t sure who was Jekyll and who was Hyde.

Devin sighed as he got up from the couch. He was getting hungry. He should make himself some dinner. He had no idea what he was in the mood for, but he was sure he’d find out soon enough.

***

It was time.

Devin was on his computer, and he had “DIY voice training” typed into the search bar.

His hand was actually shaking from nervousness. The sheer idea of starting voice training was enough to unease him. Perhaps it was because, in a way, it felt final. He could hide his hips, his breasts, his thighs, and his body until the end of time, but he couldn’t hide his voice. If his voice started to sound more feminine, it would give everything away. Everyone, including his parents, his friends, and his coworkers, would know exactly what he was doing. There would be no going back.

There was also the fact that voice training was something he needed to work for. With the HRT, all he had to do was take it and wait for the bodily changes to happen. No further work had to be done. Voice training was something he needed to actually do. It didn’t just happen. The extra work and time seriously intimidated Devin, but he had to do it. And he had to start now. If he didn’t he probably never would.

With a click of the enter key he was instantly brought thousands upon thousands of resources. He clicked on the one that looked the most helpful.

***

What a fucking shit show.

Two hours later and Devin was on his bed, feeling like nothing was accomplished. The first exercise essentially amounted to him panting like a dog over and over again. He wasn’t remotely sure if he did it correctly.

Was it even worth it to do this? Would he ever actually sound like a woman? It seemed like such an unattainable goal. Was it his fate to sound like a man his entire life?

He shook his head. No, what was he thinking? Obviously he was never going to achieve any progress on the first day. He had to keep at it for months and months to see some real changes. Was he really abandoning all hope already? What kind of person would he be if he gave up after the first day? Not a strong or a serious one, that was for sure.

Besides, no harm could possibly be done by trying again, right?

Turning his head around in his bed, he made his decision. Tomorrow, he would give it another shot.

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