Chapter 24: Chapter 24

It was with quick and uncaring steps that Devin walked into his Journalism class. He had taken the class mainly because most of the other electives were either full, or just looked plain uninteresting. Art? Devin didn’t particularly enjoy drawing and often found it tedious. Creative Writing? He steered clear of that one. He was sure his classmates wouldn’t want to read his gender bending fiction, which seemed to be the only thing he was even partially capable of writing. Culinary? He hated cooking under pressure.

He didn’t really like Journalism, but it at least made for a fairly easy and low effort class.

“Alright.” The teacher said. “Today we will be looking at a political video where an individual presents an idea, and your assignment will be to analyze how they are presenting this idea and where they are getting their information from.”

Devin squinted his eyes. That was such a vague assignment description. How were they supposed to go about this? How were they supposed to explain an explanation? So much for an easy and low effort class.

Once the teacher showed the video on their projector board, Devin realized the assignment was going to be a lot easier than he initially thought.

“So, I’ve been seeing a lot, and I mean a lot of extremely toxic rhetoric on the online left, and it’s really pissing me off.” The political streamer in the video, Vaush, said into his microphone. “What they are saying is woke ethnic cleansing. Decolonization of colonized areas is literally no different from nazism. These guys are just nazis in reverse. If the indigenous people of South Africa decided to rise up and resist their colonization by making the white people leave, that would be identical to the nazis genociding all the jews. It’s insane to me how these people can’t see this. And look, here they are literally justifying calling white people colonizers as a slur. What the hell?”

Devin raised his eyebrow. Was this really what passed for political analysis these days? This man was a goddamn idiot who clearly had no idea what he was talking about. Did he actually think “colonizer” was a slur? He should at least do some baseline research on complicated topics such as decolonization before speaking on them in a livestream.

All of a sudden, the teacher’s phone rang.

“Hello?” The teacher asked.

“Oh my…” they eventually responded.

“Okay, I’ll make sure to tell them. Thank you, bye.” They put the phone down.

“Alright, class.” The teacher said. Their voice was full of concern, as if something serious had happened. “I just received some important news regarding a student in this class.”

Devin leaned forward, fully at attention.

“I’m sure you’ve all heard of that new virus going around.” The teacher continued. “You know, the one that turns men into women. And I just want to inform you that Ryan has caught it. He’ll be arriving to class very shortly.”

Devin’s eyes were wide with disbelief.

“Now, I do not want anyone in this room to make him feel uncomfortable. And I will be taking action if I hear anything, does everyone understand?”

The class nodded their heads.

The teacher returned to their computer while the class turned their attention back to the video.

Devin was completely still, unable to move or react to anything around him. His eyes were staring unfocused toward the floor.

Ryan was a girl now?

It was so hard to believe. Devin had never heard of any incredible sex changing virus, and he checked the news everyday. He used twitter everyday. There was no way he wouldn’t have heard of this. Something that big would be all over the world news. How was this the first time he had heard of it?

Devin looked around. No one else in the room seemed to be even remotely fazed by this information. It was as if this was completely normal to them. How could that be? Even if they all lived in a world where a sex changing virus existed, wouldn’t they at least be a little shocked to hear one of their fellow students had caught it? Was Devin really the only person who was surprised?

And why did he feel so upset about it?

Devin’s state of shock was finally put to an end when the classroom door opened. When Devin laid his eyes upon the person who was at the door, he nearly fainted. It may have been a girl he had never seen before, but that didn’t stop him from instantly recognizing her.

“Welcome, Ryan.” The teacher said.

“Umm, it’s Diana now.” The girl replied in an unmistakably female voice.

“My mistake. I’ll be sure to fix that in my roster. Please, take a seat.”

The girl, Diana, smiled then went to sit down next to Devin.

“Hey…” she said awkwardly to him. “I know I look a little different now, but I was hoping we could still be, you know… friends…”

Devin couldn’t have responded even if he wanted to. He just sat there, mouth wide open, staring at this girl’s face and studying every detail. She still had the same brown eyes and black hair that she’d always had, but everything else… Devin couldn’t even begin to comprehend it. She bore some resemblance to Ryan, the boy she used to be, but appearance wise she was undeniably a different person.

And she was beautiful. Devin didn’t know if girls actually liked being beautiful, but if they did, they would definitely be jealous of her.

Diana snapped her fingers in front of Devin’s face. “Hey, I know I’m a girl now, and it’s a little weird, but it’s not like THAT weird, is it?”

Devin shook his head. “I’m sorry. I just…”

“No, it’s okay. I understand this is a little shocking for everyone.” She commiserated. “At least you were staring at my face and not my chest. You won’t believe how often that happens. And to think I used to do that. Ugh.”

Devin slowly and silently nodded his head. His face still displayed complete bewilderment.

“Wow, you are making this a lot more awkward than it needs to be.” Diana said. “It’s still me, Devin. I just look a little different.”

“You’re shorter than before…”

“Yeah, but not that much. The doctor said I only shrank three inches.”

“But… where did the extra matter go?”

“Out my ass, literally. I was shitting so much.”

“How does body mass and bone get converted to shit!? That doesn’t make any sense!”

“It’s weird but it’s not like earth-shattering or anything.” Diana remarked. “I mean, it does kind of suck being shorter but it is what it is, you know?”

Devin didn’t respond. He found it impossible to.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Diana asked. “I mean, I’m the one who changed sex and you’re the one acting like you’re going insane.”

“Oh… um, yeah, I’m fine. I think…”

“I hope so. Because I’d like my first day as a girl to be somewhat comfortable.”

Devin silently nodded as Diana finally turned her attention away from him. He slowly did the same.

The initial shock was fading, but Devin still found it hard to put words together. What was wrong with him? Ryan… Diana… had just gone through a hugely traumatic event. Her entire body had changed against her will. And the best support he could offer was complete silence and half-formed sentences. He could at least try to make her feel comfortable.

And that wasn’t even all.

As soon as he had heard about Ryan’s condition, Devin felt upset. He wasn’t sure how or why, but something about seeing Ryan as a girl was causing a deep feeling to burn inside him. About what he had no idea. But it was something big. And it was growing stronger.

Once the bell rang to signal the next class, Devin walked out of the classroom only becoming more upset with each passing second.

***

After hours of boring and tedious classes, Devin made it to lunch. He walked into the cafeteria, took a seat down at his table, and waited.

The school cafeteria wasn’t a very big one, or a very prestigious one. Cheap looking tables, dirty floors, and of course, gross food were unfortunately all common features of the experience of eating in a high school cafeteria.

Though in Devin’s case, he rarely ever actually ate in the cafeteria.

He packed a lunch when he had the time, and sometimes he would eat it. But some days he just didn’t feel like it, saying it looked too unappetizing. And he certainly never ate any of the food the school provided. He’d sooner die.

On the many days he didn’t eat, Elise would usually lecture him and say that skipping meals was bad, but he never listened. As far as he was concerned, he ate when he wanted to.

And he didn’t want to eat today.

Scratching his head, Devin struggled to contain his emotions. That feeling of being upset had grown into anger over the past few hours. Every time he thought of Diana, he got angry. Not necessarily angry at her, but angry about her. And he also got angry at himself for getting angry about her.

It was a very immature and selfish reaction, considering how hard this situation had to be on Diana. After all, imagine changing sex and all your friend can do is get angry about it without offering any support. What an asshole that friend would be.

Devin turned to his side and caught a glimpse of Elise walking towards him and his table, and alongside her, Diana. It appeared Elise wasn’t fazed by Diana’s existence, that or she had already gotten over it. Either way, it was clear that Elise had no problems being with Diana. In fact, it seemed that she quite liked being with her. They were both chatting and smiling and laughing, and they just generally seemed happy to be together.

Looking at them, Devin felt an odd sense of longing combined with the already present anger. He wished to partake in the types of conversations the two girls were having, but it was as if the universe was telling him that he couldn’t. He was male, and they were female. There would always be some form of disconnect between them all, making a connection of intimacy on that level simply impossible. Even if he was in a romantic relationship with Elise, it couldn’t happen.

His feelings may have seemed overdramatic, and perhaps they were, but that didn’t detract from how strongly they had a hold of his mind.

For some reason, he found himself thinking of a certain scene in “For a Girl”. Specifically the scene in the fifth chapter where Stephanie sees Hal for the first time as a girl, and is then taken away by Becky and Sue for “girl talk”. Hal is described as having “a look of wistfulness on his face” as Stephanie had “gained access to a private club he could never join”.

Was that scene realistic? Probably not, it seemed too exaggerated. But that wasn’t the point. In the story, even though it’s never confirmed, it’s most likely not necessarily that Hal wanted access to that “private club”, but that he was upset after seeing his old best friend drift away from him. At that point, Jack could be considered “dead”, at least in a metaphorical sense, and that scene was Hal being shown how the relationship between them could never be the same.

But in Devin's case, it was very different.

He didn’t care about how Ryan being a girl could affect their relationship as friends. He never even considered it. Instead, his feelings of longing could only be described as feelings of true longing. He wanted to take part in the conversations those girls were having, as a girl himself. There was no mistaking it, nor was there any other source to those feelings.

Was he jealous of Diana?

Was that what this was all about? Jealousy? Was he angry because he was jealous? No, that couldn’t have been right. What would he even be jealous about?

Was he jealous that Diana got to become a girl and he didn’t?

Devin wanted to laugh at that thought, but he couldn’t bring himself to. His mind was stopping him.

Did he really want to be a girl?

He couldn’t have actually wanted to become a girl, right? That wouldn’t have made any sense. At the same time though, why would he want to talk to girls, as a girl? Why would he want to have an experience like that?

Devin put his hand to his head. This was getting ridiculous. This whole thing was Diana’s problem. She was the one who went through a forced sex change. This was not his problem. And he shouldn’t have been making it his problem. No, he was not a selfish or self-centered person, and he needed to stop acting like one.

“Look, there he goes again with that face.” Diana said when she got to the table, interrupting Devin’s contemplations. “I swear he’s more shocked that I’m a girl than I am.”

“Devin.” Elise snapped her fingers. “You good? You’re staring again.”

Devin took a deep, uneasy breath. “Yeah, I’m good.”

“I doubt it.” Diana said bluntly. “You should look at yourself some time. You’re so tense. What’s wrong? You know I’m not contagious right? They wouldn’t let me in school if I was.”

Hearing the phrase, “I’m not contagious”, sent a wave of hopelessness and defeat all throughout Devin’s body. It was as if the one minor chance he had, the one last small hope within him, had gone away permanently. It was over, and there was nothing he could do.

Incredible, so this was where he was now. Upset that a sex changing virus couldn’t be passed to him. And not even considering all the people who could be hurt by it if it was contagious. What on earth was wrong with him, couldn’t he just be normal?

“And there it is again.” Diana said unenthused. “I think you oughta take him to the nurse’s office or something. Because he’s clearly not okay.”

“I’m sitting right here!” Devin exclaimed. “I’m not an object. I have my own thoughts, you know.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me. I’d hate to see what goes on in there.”

“Look at this, you two are still fighting like children.” Elise remarked. “Some things never change.”

Diana groaned and rolled her eyes before walking off into the ever growing lunch line.

Elise turned toward Devin. “Not eating today?”

Devin shook his head.

“Figures.” She replied. “You know, Diana being a girl now isn’t that weird.”

Devin sighed. “I didn’t even know about this virus until today.”

“I’m not sure how you didn’t hear about it, but whatever.” Elise said. “I guess it might be a little weird for you. But I promise you everything will be okay. Ryan… Diana is just shaped a little differently now. She’s still the same person. In a few days it’ll all be just like normal.”

“Yeah, yeah I know.” Devin said.

Elise put her arms around Devin’s neck. “I love you, alright?”

“I love you too.” Devin said.

Elise gave Devin a kiss on his cheek then walked away to the lunch line. Devin’s face went red with blush, then he smiled and put his hand to his cheek. He occasionally got teased for having what many called a very feminine reaction to being kissed, and truthfully he sometimes cursed himself for it as well. “Why feel ashamed?” A part of his mind asked.

Devin looked down toward the ground, himself silent but his mind as loud as ever.

***

By the time Elise and Diana returned to the table, a few others had come along as well, and they all had their extremely gross looking food with them.

“Holy shit.” Amanda said as she took her first look at Diana. “I thought everyone was bullshitting, but no, you’re really a girl.”

“I know, I’m still having a hard time believing it myself.” Diana said back. “Though I’m having a better time coping with it than SOME people.” She glanced toward Devin, whose face flashed with guilt.

Elise rolled her eyes while Amanda got confused.

“Wait, what’s going on?” Amanda asked.

“Not much, really. Just that Devin’s been acting extra weird about me being a girl.”

“I wasn’t trying to be weird about it!” Devin defended himself. “I- I’m just having a bad day, that’s all.”

“Right…” Diana responded. “You’re having a bad day? Imagine how I feel. Everyone’s been staring at me. I can’t catch a break.”

“I’m sorry.” Devin said to her.

“Sure you are.” Diana said sarcastically.

There was a tense silence between the two for a bit. Wanting to break the tension, Amanda let out a forced cough.

“So… how did you choose your name?”

“Oh, that was pretty simple.” Diana said after a bit of hesitation. “I took my old name and tried to find the female version of it. The first thing I thought of was Riana, but that sounds too similar to the singer Rihanna, so I changed it to Diana.”

“Cool.” Amanda replied. “For the record, I think it’s a great name.”

“Thanks, my mom said the same thing.”

“Is your family taking this change well?” Elise asked.

“Mostly.” Diana answered. “My dad’s having a hard time coming around to it, but other than that, everything’s good.”

“That’s nice.” Elise said. “I can imagine your dad is probably upset about losing a son and all.”

“Oh, you wouldn’t believe how pissed he was when I first got diagnosed.” Diana said. “He was more pissed than I was, somehow.”

“Did he break anything?” Amanda asked.

“An old table. My mom’s making him pay it off. It was an expensive table too, so he’s been working overtime a lot lately.” Diana explained. “And now he’s pissed about that. We hear him cuss up a storm in his study all the time.”

The three girls giggled to themselves while Devin just sat there, completely silent. He did not say another word in that lunch period, keeping to himself until the bell rang. He didn’t speak to anyone, and in return, no one spoke to him.

He didn’t care that he was being selfish or a dick anymore. All he could care about was the anger and tension boiling inside of him. Just the thought of Diana was enough to send him over the edge. And seeing her happy and content with herself certainly didn’t help.

When the bell rang, and he lost sight of Diana, that anger and tension didn’t go away.

***

Devin walked down the hallway and toward the boys’ locker room. He had one last class for the day, and it was easily his least favorite.

P.E., the bane of every non athletic kid’s existence. An incredibly uncomfortable experience for everyone involved, and a place for the sports coaches to yell at a bunch of students they clearly didn’t care about. He could only be thankful that he didn’t have the class first period. He wouldn’t wish that on his worst enemy.

As Devin entered the boys’ locker room and was greeted by the usual noise and odor, he quickly resigned himself to a corner, away from most of the other students. It’s not that he hated them, locker rooms just always made him extremely uncomfortable. He hated it when other people saw him shirtless and he wished to conceal himself as much as possible.

When Devin finished changing, he went out into the gymnasium, and he immediately saw exactly why he was dreading this class so much. While he never looked forward to P.E., today in particular was especially bad. Looking forward to the bleachers, he saw her. Right there, sitting down, was Diana.

He hadn’t seen Diana since lunch, but that didn’t stop her from invading his thoughts at every second. A part of him wanted to go up to her and apologize. Apologize for the way he had been acting that day and possibly rekindle their friendship. But he didn’t. He couldn’t. The mere thought of Diana still made him extremely angry. And Devin knew who he was. He wouldn’t have near enough self control to make amends.

Besides, it didn’t look like any of that bothered Diana anymore. Hell, it didn’t look like she was bothered by anything anymore. Instead, Devin saw her talking amongst the other girls like she had always been one of them. The guys were even borderline flirting with her, and she didn’t seem to mind. It was so laughably cliché that if someone wrote it in a TG story they’d get flack for being dull and unoriginal.

The coaches called all the students to the center of the gym and told them they’d be playing dodgeball that period. Devin snickered. Dodgeball was the usual go to when the coaches didn’t have any other ideas. Not that Devin cared much. At least today they hadn’t brought along some military recruiter to make them do watered down boot camp exercises. All while ending it off with some speech about how great American imperialism was and why it was totally amazing and honorable to blow up kids in the middle east and die fighting for some oil company. The depths of US propaganda really knew no bounds.

Two random students were assigned team captain and they each went around choosing other students one by one to be on their team. Just as he was expecting, Devin ended up on a different team than Diana. He didn’t know if that made him happy or upset.

When the game started, Devin went to the back of the court and stayed there the whole game. He never made any moves. It was easy to do, because none of his teammates seemed to notice he was there. It was as if he didn’t even exist.

Devin spent most of the game staring at Diana. Creepy? Yes, but it was clear that at this point he had abandoned good moral values.

In spite of the game going on, Diana was out and about talking with some of what looked like her newly acquired friends. When she got hit by a dodgeball, she laughed it off while one of the guys unnecessarily escorted her to the sidelines. Most girls would find what that guy did to be insulting and demeaning, but not Diana apparently. She held onto that sickly sweet smile. It was so cheesy it could make someone throw up.

Above all though, Diana looked so happy, so content. How could that even be possible? Looking at her, one would never suspect that she used to be a guy. It was only her first week as a girl and she was already completely accepting of her female body and everyone around was throwing support and friendship at her, treating her like she had always been a girl.

You are reading story Shame and Desire at novel35.com

It made Devin’s blood boil.

Eventually, the dodgeball game came to an end. The coaches didn’t even announce which team won, they just sent everyone off to the locker rooms. Not like Devin cared, of course. He just wanted to get out of that building as soon as possible.

When he was done changing, he practically sprinted out of the locker room.

***

As soon as the school day ended, Devin went straight for his car and pushed aside everyone who stood in the way. He felt bad for doing so, but it was necessary as he had extremely important matters to attend to.

He didn’t drive home. Rather, he drove quickly down to the doctor’s office. At first he wasn’t sure why, but eventually the answer came to him. He wanted to know if he had the virus, and he was desperate for any way to find out. Was he setting himself up for disappointment? Probably, but his mind wasn’t exactly being logical at the moment.

As he was driving he couldn’t help but think, why was he so drawn to gender bending stuff anyway? Sure, everyone has their weird interests, but for Devin this was practically an obsession. Was it personal? It couldn’t have possibly been personal, right?

As much as he tried to deny it, every single time he had found some random gender bending comic or story on the internet, he had hyper fixated on it. Put himself in the shoes of the main character and imagined that he was them. He read all those stories and comics like he wanted to go through what the main character was going through.

Did he?

It would make sense if he did, considering how jealous he was of Di-

No.

None of this was right. Absolutely none of it. He wasn’t jealous of Diana. He didn’t want to become a girl. He was just getting really angry when thinking about her because… well, he wasn’t sure why but he’d figure it out.

Devin pulled into the doctor’s office, went inside, told the people at the desk what he was there for, and then sat down in the waiting room.

Devin looked around and huffed. Some waiting room, the TV wasn’t even on.

***

It felt like an eternity, but eventually a doctor came through the door of the waiting room. “Devin Farrow?” They called.

Devin stood up from his chair and followed the doctor through the hallways of the building. He went through all the usual procedures first, mainly getting his height and weight checked. And he was pleased to know that in those areas, he was in good condition. One less thing to worry about.

The doctor led Devin into a room and had him sit down on a bed while checking his ears, heartbeat, and blood pressure. It all ended with the same results: in good condition. By all accounts Devin was a very healthy boy. Really, he shouldn’t have even been in the doctor’s office at all. His unwell mental state was just insistent on forcing him there.

“So, why are you here today?” The doctor asked.

“Uh…” Devin hesitated. He hadn’t exactly thought through what he was going to say. It took him a while to find the right words. “Uh, I think I might have that new virus.”

“I wouldn’t really call COVID new, but we can-”

“No, not COVID.” Devin interrupted. “The other one…”

“…what other one?”

“You know…” Devin started. “The one that… turns men into women.”

“Oh! You mean Sexual Transmorphism.” The doctor answered.

“Y-yeah, that’s the one. I- I think I might have it.” Devin said.

“Well, do you have any symptoms?”

“I- uh…” Devin’s voice trailed off. He had no idea what the symptoms for this virus were, and there was no way he would be able to pull his phone out to look them up without the doctor knowing what he was doing. He internally cursed at himself. Why didn’t he look the symptoms up? He was such an idiot.

He tried to concentrate through his nervousness. What would the symptoms of a virus like this be?

“Umm… I’ve been feeling kind of sick lately. And I- I…” Devin recalled what Diana told him about losing body mass. “I’ve been pooping a lot. And… I think my genitals are shrinking.”

“Oh dear, that is quite troubling.” The doctor said, seemingly believing Devin’s lies. “Well, what we can do is run a blood test. Don’t worry, we’ll only need one vial, and we can get the results easy and quick. If you want to be sure, then it won’t take much to do this.”

Devin groaned. Did it have to be a blood test? At least this one seemed quick and convenient, but still, he hated blood tests. They always stressed him out. He was absolutely not in the mood to do one today.

But still, he had to know if he had the virus, and he didn't seem to have any other options.

Devin sighed. “Okay.”

“Great!” The doctor replied. “Wait here while I get the supplies. I promise you it won’t be long.”

Devin leaned back in his chair as the doctor left the room. He really hoped he wouldn’t pass out this time. It’s not like he wanted to pass out, he tried not to, but sometimes it just happened. He always felt really ashamed when he did pass out, it made him feel unbearably weak and he didn’t like causing the doctors any extra trouble.

“C’mon Devin.” He thought to himself. “You can do this. Just one vial and it’s done.”

Devin continued to think encouraging thoughts to himself until the doctor came back with the vial.

When the needle approached Devin’s skin, he closed his eyes and did his best to tune out the world around him.

***

It was a success. He did it! He managed to get blood drawn without passing out. He never even felt queasy. In fact, he nearly didn’t feel anything at all. What an incredible feat!

Devin giggled. Calling it a feat was definitely going too far. It was, in reality, a very mundane thing to be proud of, but Devin couldn’t help himself. How could he not be proud? Compared to his previous embarrassing blood drawing session, this was a major accomplishment.

The doctor had left the room a few minutes before, and they were supposedly running the blood through lab tests. They said the tests wouldn’t take long, and that they’d probably be back in about a half hour or so. It seemed like an impossibly fast time to get blood test results, but Devin wasn’t complaining. The sooner he could get this over with the better.

Devin shifted uncomfortably in his chair as he waited. Eventually the seconds turned to minutes, and the minutes turned to hours. At least it felt that way with how nervous and tense he was. Devin rubbed his face with his hands. What was he so nervous about? He chose to come to this doctor’s office by himself. No one else made that choice for him. And it was highly unlikely that they were going to find some insane deadly disease in his blood. Why didn’t he feel calm? There shouldn’t have been anything to worry about.

And yet there was.

Did he want to have this virus?

He had certainly spent a lot of time thinking about how he was possibly leading himself to disappointment by coming here, but he wasn’t ready to face the reason why he’d be feeling disappointment.

He wanted to know if he had the virus, but what results did he want to get?

There was no way he could justify this one. Frantically running to the doctor’s office to see if he had a sex changing virus after seeing one of his friends get hit by it and becoming angry and jealous.

And yeah, there was no use in denying that anymore. He was jealous of Diana. Very, very jealous.

Jealous because he wanted to be a-

The door swung open, with the doctor coming inside the room.

“Sorry it took so long, but we got a bit more information than we thought we would. Trust me, it’s not bad. It’s quite good, in fact.”

Curious, Devin leaned forward in his chair.

“As it turns out, your DNA has a very strong resilience to the kind of virus Sexual Transmorphism is.” The doctor paused for a bit. “In other words, you’re immune!”

What?

“Yeah, you won’t ever have to worry about turning into a girl. Your body won’t allow it. Pretty good, huh?”

Devin sat there, completely speechless.

“Now, I can get you some medicine for some of your other symptoms if you want…”

The doctor’s voice trailed off once they saw Devin stand up and walk out of the room, without saying a thing.

“Hey, where are you going? We’re not done here yet!”

Devin ignored any of the calls for him to come back. He simply walked out of the building, got into his car, and began driving home.

***

Devin did not utter a single sound during the drive home. His mind was almost entirely blank, with not one thought coming through. At that moment, for all intents and purposes, he was a robot who could only think of his driving and the road.

By the time Devin had reached his house, the full moon was shining ominously in the night sky. It gave off a very foreboding atmosphere that he could sense in every inch of his skin.

Devin pulled into his driveway, exited his car, and entered his house. All while still completely silent, nothing coming from his mouth nor his mind. He went and sat down on a couch in the living room and stared at the floor.

While looking at the bland, boring floor tiles, his mind slowly started filling with thoughts again. And when that happened, he started laughing. Loudly.

Really, really loudly.

He laughed on and on. The laughing was so loud it almost echoed through the walls of the house. He had no idea how long he laughed for. It didn’t feel like it happened for any conceivable length of time. He just laughed, and that was it.

And really, why shouldn’t he have laughed? This was all quite funny.

Just that day, he had learned that some insane sex changing virus existed. One that he had somehow never heard of until his teacher talked about it after a phone call. Then he found out one of his closest friends had caught that virus and became a girl. Then he started acting really weird and dickish toward that friend as a fiery inferno of rage and jealousy burned within him.

And then he went to the doctor, desperate to see if he had that virus. And he finds out that not only did he not have it, but he’s in fact immune to it! He can never catch it! What a knee slapper! It was so funny it couldn’t have even been ruined in an SNL skit.

Hell, he could give comedians some new material. He could just imagine the awakened spirit of George Carlin telling that story as part of one of his routines.

Devin’s laughter died down once he was physically incapable of laughing anymore. Soon enough, he was sitting down on the couch, silent again. Except this time his mind wasn’t silent. No, it was very, very loud.

All the different thoughts and feelings being shot around Devin’s mind at a million miles an hour could be summed in one phrase.

It should have been him.

He was the one who read through all the TG stories and comics. The one who looked at all the TG art. If any boy were to turn into a girl, it should have been him. He deserved it, it was his right.

Instead, Diana was the one who was blessed with the transformation. Why? Did she think about becoming a girl every day? Was it a fantasy she was constantly obsessed with? What did she know of desiring something so much it made you sick? Did she even know what Devin had gone through?

Devin went through his mind and saw Diana, laughing and talking among her friends. Even if she was in a new and unfamiliar form, she still thrived as a person. She was happy, content, and free. She was not restricted by her body, rather, she was able to let her body be her own. The beautiful feeling of being at peace with yourself was all hers.

It was a feeling Devin could never have.

Devin covered his face with both his hands, but his sobbing failed to be contained.

***

The basement was cold, dark, and full of random antique items scattered about everywhere. The storage room in particular was extremely crowded, lined with a bunch of containers holding supplies that rarely, if ever, went out and got used.

For Devin, it was just the right place.

What he was about to do was something that should have been done a long time ago. He had contemplated and even planned it in the past, but he never went through with it. This time would be different though, he was sure of it.

Holding a knife in his hand, Devin took his pants and underwear and slowly slid them down to his feet. He shivered when he felt the cold breeze on his crotch.

He scarcely put much thought into his suicide methods, but when he did, the answer became very clear and obvious. He would not die with that thing attached to him.

There were many words he could use to describe having a male body: tiring, stressful, painful, disgusting, uncomfortable, agonizing, torturous, and difficult. But the word he thought was the best, was work.

Being in a male body was constant, never ending work. Work no one wanted to do, but had to be done. His very existence felt like work. Awful, awful work.

Devin pulled out his phone and looked at himself through the camera. When he did, he was assured this was his only option. He had long since memorized all the details about his face that he despised so deeply. His rough, leathery skin; his harshly sloped jaw; his large nose; his insistent facial hair; and his giant head. When he looked further down at his body, he was reminded of the rest of his disgusting self. His wide rib cage; his large mannish hands and feet; his flat chest; and his long, thick, black body hair spread out all over him. He wanted to shave it off, but what was the point? Every time he tried, it grew back within a day. Might as well not even bother, shaving wouldn’t hide how gross his body was.

He was stuck with all of this, for the rest of his life. There would never be any escape or relief.

There truly was only one option.

Devin nearly smiled. Just a few hours earlier he was nervous to get blood drawn, and now look what he was about to do. He had made so much progress in so little time. He was so proud of himself. He could definitely handle bleeding from his crotch. After all, women dealt with that every month, there wasn’t any reason why he couldn’t handle it for an hour.

In a swift move, Devin took his knife and went to slice off his genitals.

He cut them clean off the first try.

Immediately afterward he collapsed onto the ground and began groaning. Blood was quickly spilling out from his crotch and his skin was turning pale. His breathing was growing labored and it felt like all his organs were on the verge of collapse. There was no doubt about it, he was dying. Cutting off his genitals was going to kill him.

As Devin’s vision started to blur and blacken, he was really only left with one question. Was it worth it? Was killing himself worth it? Was living as a man his whole life really so bad that he would rather die than even give it an attempt?

Was it worth having a gravestone with “Devin Farrow” listed as the name?

To him, the answer was unequivocally yes.

People were always going to see him as a man anyway. It didn’t matter if he died today or in fifty years. They'd still see him as a man, forever and for always. If that was the case, then he might as well get his death over with now. There was no point in continuing such a miserable and agonizing life.

If reincarnation was real, then maybe he'd have another chance. A chance to live a true life. A life that actually felt like his.

Devin was motionless as his body was shutting down. His blood continuing to leave his crotch, his organs further breaking down, his life fading away. His body was a machine continuing to malfunction until it couldn't work anymore.

And then it all stopped.

Devin should've been dead, but by some miracle he wasn't. In fact, he no longer felt like he was dying at all. He didn’t even feel any pain. It had all gone away. His entire life had flashed before his eyes before coming back to him at a moment’s notice.

Devin stood up. He looked around and was greeted with nothing but walls and floor. All the cabinets, furniture, and portraits were gone just like his feelings of death. Not even the blood stains remained. It had all vanished without a trace, leaving behind an empty room.

Devin began walking around, trying to see if anything was left. He searched the entire house, but nothing turned up.

While walking, Devin tripped on a untied shoelace and began falling face first toward the ground. He closed his eyes and braced for impact.

It never came.

Devin felt the ground beneath him disappear. He opened his eyes to find he was in free fall.

Looking upwards, Devin saw his house getting further and further away. Surrounding him was nothing more than an endless black void. All together, it looked like it could have been an out of bounds area in a video game.

The impossibility of it all failed to even slightly faze him. Somehow, he had fallen through the floor. It was like he glitched out of reality. Considering what he was seeing right now, that may very well have been the case.

Nothing changed as Devin continued to fall. Just the same blackness that went on forever. Was this what death was like? Just an eternity of falling? And why was he falling? Was he going to hell?

Maybe he was already in hell and this was what it was like. Just never ending falling. It’d certainly fulfill the purpose of eternal torture.

Turning his head downward, Devin saw a faint light in the distance. At first he thought he was imagining it but as he saw it grow larger and brighter, he was assured that it was real. And he was falling toward it.

As it got closer, Devin saw that the light could better be described as just being solid white. And it was bright. Very bright. So bright in fact that he had to close his eyes.

Pretty soon, he was enveloped in an endless void of white. At least he assumed, he couldn’t open his eyes to check. He’d probably go blind.

In an action that defied physics, Devin felt his body fall faster and faster. Speeds at which he was sure the human body wasn’t physically capable of. At this point, all he wanted was for the falling to end. He was pleading for it, begging for it. There was nothing in the world he wanted more than for it to stop.

Then the falling finally did stop. He landed on something.

Opening his eyes, he saw himself laying down on his bed. To his side he was greeted with the familiar sound of “Losing My Religion” playing on his phone.

He felt groggy, as if he had just woken up. Well, now that reality was coming back to him, he had just woken up. And he was nothing but thankful for it.

Most of Devin’s dreams were absurd nonsense. Meaningless junk that was quickly forgotten. But there were a few that were different. A few that were special. A few that hit him deep and crushed his soul.

He was sure he’d be remembering the dream he just had for a long time.

Usually the dreams that would tease him about wanting to be a girl were more sparse and spread out. But he had just had two of the most intense nightmares he ever had within just a few days of each other. Very cruel and sadistic nightmares he could still vividly recall. Did it mean anything? Should he tell someone else about this? Would he be having more nightmares like this in the future?

Would they stop if he embraced Sierra?

Shaking his head, Devin reached his hand over to his phone and turned off his alarm. He then felt a strong need to check Ryan’s instagram page, just to make sure he still wasn’t dreaming. He searched it up and clicked on Ryan’s profile. His latest post was a picture of him and his friends camping that same morning, and he was as male as ever. Devin sighed in relief. Diana was nothing more than a creation by his own mind. An imaginary person that never existed.

How did his mind do that?

Somehow, Devin’s mind had created an entirely new person. It was quite a stunning thing to think about, even if Diana’s appearance was heavily based on Ryan. Devin could still see Diana’s image when he closed his eyes.

Why should she be left forgotten?

It was likely that over time, Diana would fade from his memory, but he wanted to remember her. His brain had conjured up an entire person by itself, and he wanted that accomplishment to stay.

He hadn’t drawn anything in a long time, but it was never a wrong time to start up again.

Opening the sketchpad app on his computer, he began drawing.

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