Chapter 32: Chapter 32

“Wait, you wanna go… now?”

“Yep.” Elise smiled. “Thought it would be better to go to the mall first since it’s kind of a long drive.”

“I don’t know.” Sierra replied. “Forty minutes isn’t too long a drive.”

“Well, whatever. The point is, we’re going to the mall now so… are you ready?”

“I, uh… hang on, I need to go to the bathroom.”

Sierra ran over to the bathroom and sat on the toilet. Truthfully, she didn’t really need to go. She just needed a few minutes to… collect herself.

Sierra bent her head down to the floor. Well, on the bright side this time she wasn’t looking in the mirror. She was avoiding some clichés at least.

Sierra ran her hands through her hair. What was she doing? She couldn’t have been getting cold feet now. She had agreed to this. Elise had been happy that she agreed to this. And now she was in the bathroom, in fear? She needed to show some courage.

“Get back out there.” A part of her mind said.

Sierra opened the bathroom door and ran back to the living room, where Elise was sitting on the couch.

“Well, what are we waiting for?” Sierra said. “Let’s go.”

***

Sierra actually felt a bit better once she was in the car. Sure, she was still nervous, but she could manage it.

However, there was one thing bothering her about this trip that she couldn’t quite get over.

“Umm… Elise?”

“What’s up?”

"There’s something I haven’t said to you yet. And I probably should.”

“What is it?”

“Well, it’s uh… my voice.”

“What about it?” Elise asked.

“I started voice training.”

“Is that when you train your voice to sound more feminine?”

“Yeah.”

“How do you feel about it?”

“Frustrated.” Sierra answered. “I know I’ve only done two sessions so far, but I feel like I’m not going anywhere. And my voice… I hate it so much. Going to this mall is so hard for me because of my god damn voice. I wish there was an easier way to do this.”

“I’m sorry about that.” Elise said. “But… aren’t there coaches for that kind of stuff? Like voice coaches?”

“Yes but… my parents. They are not going to let me do something like that.”

“You know, you keep assuming the worst will happen if you tell your parents.”

“What if I’m right?”

“You don’t know that.” Elise said. “Who knows? Maybe they’ll be supportive. Maybe your mom will even be happy she now has a daughter.”

“Yeah right.” Sierra scoffed. “They’ll be real happy when they learn I’ve been taking hormones behind their backs.”

“Just be a bit more optimistic.”

Sierra paused for a bit before sighing. “I’ll try.”

***

For how wonderful Sierra was, she couldn’t start a conversation for the life of her. Elise took the opportunity to start one with her when she hit a red light.

“So… does your voice really bother you that much?” She asked.

Sierra turned to face Elise. “Thanks for reminding me.” She said with a sigh.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you upset.”

“No, it’s okay. I probably should be talking about this kind of stuff.”

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“That makes sense.” Elise said as the light turned green. “So… are you fine with telling me why you hate your voice so much?”

Sierra crossed her arms. “Yeah… it’s just that… it’s so low. So deep. It’s a man’s voice. And I hate it. I don’t want to sound like a man.”

“So you think you’d feel better if you sounded like a woman?”

“I know I would. I just… it worries me that this will be my voice forever. That the voice training will never work. I want to sound like a woman so bad. I wish estrogen changed your voice but it doesn’t. It’s so damn cruel.”

“If it makes you feel better.” Elise said. “I am confident that one day, you will have a woman’s voice.”

“Do I look like a woman?” Sierra asked with wide eyes.

“I know you’re gonna think I’m only saying this because I’m your girlfriend, but you definitely look more like a woman than a man.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, hopefully I don’t have to tell you that fifty more times.” Elise chuckled.

“Thanks… but there’s something about that that scares me.” Sierra responded. “If I look like a woman, people will see me as a woman, but then when I open my mouth and I sound like a man… they’ll know I’m tr- I mean, not a woman.”

Elise frowned at the forced word change.

“I don’t even know if I consider myself a woman.” Sierra looked down.

“Just take it one step at a time.” Elise told her. “I know it sounds cheesy, but I’ll be by your side.”

“Thanks.” Sierra said with a sad half smile.

***

There was a small stretch of highway that needed to be driven through before reaching the mall. Elise was still a rather inexperienced driver, so Sierra waited until she got off it before speaking to her again.

“You know… I never thanked you for giving me that necklace so… thank you.”

Elise smiled. “You're welcome. Did it feel good to wear it?”

“Yes.” Sierra said firmly. She was telling the truth too. It did feel good to wear it. It really did.

***

Sierra’s legs couldn’t stop shaking as Elise pulled into the mall parking lot.

“Well, we’re here… hey, is everything okay?”

“Yes… I mean, yes, I mean… no.”

“Nervous?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Sierra asked sarcastically. “I thought I could do this but now that I’m here, I- I don’t know… I’m falling apart.”

Elise put her hand on Sierra’s shoulder. “Well, I’m not letting you force us back to your house right after we go in. One time I can handle. Two, not so much.”

“I said I was sorry!”

“I’m just teasing…” Elise giggled.

Sierra rolled her eyes through her fear. “But… seriously though, I am afraid. I don’t know if I can-”

“Yes, you can.” Elise interrupted. “Sierra, whatever you think you’re going to say, don’t say it. Don’t think it. You can do this.”

Sierra thought about Elise’s words. Could she really do this? Go into the mall? Go get something to eat? Maybe even… drop by the women’s clothing section and buy something there? It seemed impossible yet… here she was, about to go into the mall.

Yeah… she could do this, right? She was able to come here after all. A decision she had made willingly. And Elise was right here beside her, supporting her. With her by her side, could she really be afraid?

Maybe she could be a little nervous, but not enough to go back home. She was already here in the parking lot, and she didn’t want to make a scene.

Within her mind, she was reminded of a quote from herself, back when she went to this mall to buy her first bra: she had to do this today, or she never would.

“Sierra, are you okay?” Elise asked.

“Yeah, I’m… I’m alright.” Sierra answered.

“Are you ready to go in?”

To her own surprise, Sierra’s lips managed to form a smile. “What are we waiting for? Let’s go.”

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