Shame and Desire

Chapter 31: Chapter 31


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It was a pretty lucky night for Devin. He didn’t have any nightmares that night. There was no dream to taunt or tease him about wanting to be a girl. Nothing to bother him. He couldn’t possibly be happier.

Devin sat down on his living room couch as he contemplated what he was going to do that day. Today was going to be a pretty big day, by the looks of it. A mall trip and they were probably going to finish “For a Girl”. It had been a week of reading it, but it felt good to finally get it done.

Unfortunately, what they were going to read that day wasn’t exactly something Devin was looking forward to. He remembered the twelfth chapter of that story and the content it held.

There was a subplot in “For a Girl” regarding the character named Andy Marks. Throughout the story, Marks bullies and harasses Stephanie about her condition, and this escalates to a full on attempted rape and murder of her boyfriend in the twelfth chapter. He doesn’t succeed in any of it, but Stephanie refuses to report him to the police (not like they’d do anything, realistically).

So what was Stephanie’s plan?

Well apparently it revolved around humiliating Marks in front of the entire school, revealing his attempted rape and also revealing his secret desire to be a girl. That’s right, the entire reason why Andy Marks bullied Stephanie and tried to rape her was because he was jealous of her and wanted to be a girl himself.

There was no other way around it, the only explicitly trans character in the story was an attempted rapist and murderer.

JK Rowling would probably love this part of the story.

Devin’s least favorite part of “For a Girl” was still the principal spanking scene, but this was easily a close second. Was he really the only one who had a problem with it? How could a trans wish fulfillment story do something like this?

Most TG stories where the main character isn’t trans simply don’t mention transgender people. In a way, it could be argued this is for the best because then the reader isn’t reminded that a person like them didn’t get to have a magical gender transformation while some random guy did. But, “For a Girl” goes against this, mentioning transgender people and incorporating them into the story in the worst way possible.

Even disregarding how offensive the twist was, it simply didn’t make much sense from a purely literary perspective. Stephanie simply looks at Marks’s facial expressions a few times and somehow learns his entire motivation for trying to rape her and then partakes in some unrealistic power fantasy to embarrass him in front of the school, complete with over the top gasps from the onlookers. It only works because of contrived writing.

“For a Girl” would've been so much better if the principal and Andy Marks were cut from the story entirely. 

There were so many problems with the Andy Marks subplot. It was a mess all around. 

Devin wondered how Elise would react to it.

***

It was only 10:00 in the morning when Elise pulled her car out of her driveway. She wanted to go a bit earlier this time because of their mall trip later that day.

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It was Friday, which meant only three more days of going to Sierra’s house freely before her parents came home and put an end to it. It was already pretty unbelievable this was even allowed to happen in the first place.

Elise was loving her daily visits with Sierra. All of the things they had discovered together brought them closer. Their relationship had become much stronger as a result.

It wasn’t only that, but Sierra becoming a girl seemed to be making it easier for them to relate to one another. They understood each other in a way that they just didn’t when Sierra was still Devin. The connection they now had was thrilling.

Elise could only hope that eventually, Sierra would abandon Devin completely.

***

Devin found himself once again staring at his reflection through the mirror. He was so predictable and cliché, wasn’t he? He didn’t think he’d ever fix that problem.

“I wish I was a woman.”

What did he even mean by that? How could he know that he wanted to be a woman if he had no frame of reference for it? Did he even actually want to be a woman or did he just have a gender bending fetish? 

Maybe that was all being a woman was to him. A fetish. He still masturbated to TG stories, after all, so he could only assume that was the case. 

Masturbating to TG stories. Stories that the authors spent so much time pouring their hearts out on, and he was using them as nothing more than jack off material. What the hell was wrong with him? 

It did make one thing clear though. He wasn’t a woman. He could never be a woman. He would always be a sick, sick man.

Devin let out a groan. Hearing that low male sound come out of him only made him feel worse. Why was he suddenly thinking like this? Why did his bouts of self hate have to come in at the absolute worst times? He was supposed to have a great, eventful day today and now he was feeling like shit.

Sometimes Devin felt like he was living Ranma 1/2. Elise was his cold water, and the rest of the world, including himself and his mind, was his hot water.

There was a lot on Devin’s mind that was distressing him. His mental state, his disgusting male voice, the incredibly problematic content in “For a Girl” they were about to read, and the mall trip they were going to take that day.

However, for a fleeting moment, all of that was forgotten about as Sierra looked out the bathroom window and saw Elise’s car pulling into her driveway. At that point, the only thing she could think about were the wondrous adventures they could both go on together.

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