Chapter 29: Chapter 29: Operation get the parents!

Chapter 29: Operation get the parents!

This is a retailing of one of Allyn's adventures. Told by the spirits, who talk to him directly in his head.

Warning: If you are seeing this story, then the spirits have zeroed in on you. You better go buy some holy water. They are quite the holy water enthusiasts.

So, I heard a rumor. That the king, Damian, and the Dark Lord, Alek, will be best friends forever. One of the ladies from the district with the red lanterns said that now, the Dark Lord can be the hammer to the king's anvil officially.

I think that is great. I mean, asking for permission every time you want to off someone must be annoying, and…

[The spirits give Allyn the talk…]

Oh, hammer to… anvil. Ok, I get it now. So, they are getting hitched. Dorthe, that old bat, should have explained it like that. Just because I am five, it doesn't mean I don't understand such shit.

Now, I have more important things to do. I am in no danger of getting back on the shelf, but that doesn't mean I won't cut corners when it comes to saving money.

So, the Dark Lord… wait, what anvil! The king is a man. Just how are they supposed to…

[The spirits explain gay sex to Allyn…]

Man, that sounds painful. Like, really painful. What if they have not wiped their asses well before they, you know…

No, I am not blushing. You are blushing!

Anyway, where was I? The Dark Lord is introducing a holiday from his home planet, Earth. It is called Halloween. During this holiday, children get to dress up as vagabonds, and then to bully adults for candy. Personally, I love the concept.

So, I dressed as… myself. Yeah, nobody is going to see the catch. I dressed as myself, combed my blonde hair until it shone, and then put on a paper crown on my head. A true swag prince, y'all!

So, I took the biggest bag I have in the house, and then get out through the door. If any hobgoblins throw eggs at my house, I will hunt them to the ends of the earth. I vowed before Harika.

I looked around, first to the left, then to the right. It is a true battlefield out here. Hobgoblins, or should I say gremlins, all decked out as demons, and fairies, and gnomes and shit. I look at the castle, which rises in the distance. Hm, no one is going that way.

A whole castle's candy. Hm, I knew I should have invested in a bigger bag. Anyway, I march towards the castle, surveying the destruction that is happening around me.

Kids throwing eggs. Kids soaping up the walkways to the houses with cheap lard soap. K… no, fiends pooping in gardens, and giggling like they are on a sugar high.

Do I have to stoop as low as them? What am I supposed to do, once I near the castle? Pee in the moat? I don't have any coloring tools with me. Maybe that is a sign, that I am more civilized than the average five-year-old?

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I ignore the calls of this group or that, for me to join in on the attack. These gremlins are so getting spanked, once they go home. I don't have anyone to spank me, but I owe it to myself, to not stoop as low as them.

I mean, I vanquished two mythical beasts. Astrid was mythical in her stupidity, and that goat demon was almost retarded. No, not almost. He didn’t bite me in half when he had the chance. Fully retarded. Those two things really need to be celebrated with a mythical rang.

Anyway, I make it to the draw bridge, and see the king and the dark lord with a bag, waiting before the gates.

I rush to them, making sure I don't trip on the big ass bag I am carrying, and tumble into the moat. I heard, from Dorthe, which, really, doesn't mean it is true, that the king has sharks down there. Sand sharks…

I stop in my running. Wait, didn't sand sharks live in sand castles? I look down on the moat. There is water down there. Darn it, Dorthe, you old bag of lies!

"Come on, little guy. You can make it over here. We have candy," I hear the king say, and I can bet he even has a stupid smile on his face. I am still feeling down about being had. It still happens, occasionally. Like, when I got conned into buying that glow stick, that used to belong to a loser named Joe.

I make it to the king, and he begins to scoop up from his bag, and deposit candy into mine. He is generous, and his candy is not kid sized. I tear up. After being had so many times, finally, someone is giving me the respect I deserve.

"Oh, what are you crying for, little fellow? You have an adorable crown," the king coos, and then I unload my entire fate on his ears. When I am done, with calling Dorthe a stingy liar, he blinks at me.

"You are an orphan?" The Dark Lord asked, and then placed a hand on my head. He gave me a couple of pats, and then took the king to the side. Now, they were too far away for me to hear, but I can read thoughts, ok?

It would be nice to have a family. The kid has spunk. — Dark Lord.

What a lovely little impressionable cherub. Well, if I can't have children the normal way, why not adopt? — The King.

When they come back, I know I have only one chance. Sure, I like living alone, but I am also a toddler. One who has to tiptoe over the stove, to make sure his eggs don't burn. One who must tuck himself into bed. A toddler, full of hope.

"How would you like to become our son?" Dark Lord Alek asked, and then scooped a handful of candy, and placed it in my bag. Through tears in my eyes, I nod, not trusting my voice. Then, I take their bag full of candy, and march to the gates of my new home. Accompanied by their chuckles.  

The next morning, eggs were swimming in the moat, the gates had drawings on them, but the King and the Dark Lord Consort just laughed it off. For, they were too busy preparing breakfast for their son.

The same son, who has stuffed himself full of candy the previous night, and was now looking up at the ceiling of his new room with wide eyes, and a toothache that he would never forget.

But such is life.

To be continued?

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