Chapter 5: Chapter 5: The Coffee Table of Magical Knowledge, part 1

Chapter 5: The Coffee Table of Magical Knowledge, part 1

Alek:

"Gregory, you donkey, this is not how a bottomless array is drawn! Redo it," ah, the pleasant voice of the master enchanter, Alexus. How I wish, at times, that my king didn't give me this weird ass table…

Now, some introductions. The name is Alek, I am from Earth. Well, I suppose nothing is tying me there anymore. Seeing as I died from cancer. It was slow, and painful. So pitiful, that I was given another chance at life, here, in this new world.

The locals call it Oceania. Which is funny because there is a region on Earth with the same name. Anyway, I am not crazy. I swear, my coffee table talks.

"Do you two think that you can be quieter? I am trying to find a way to defeat the demon lord," I tell Alexus and Gregory. Who is Gregory? Well, he is a master alchemist.

Funny story, that. While Gregory was stealing alchemy herbs from Alexus's garden, Alexus was doing a soul enchantment. Of course, he didn't have a sacrifice ready, and so, the enchantment sucked in two living beings inside a tree. That tree is now a coffee table, and it talks.

No, for the second time, I am not insane. I swear. Please — don't tell the king that I think my coffee table is possessed by two grumpy spirits, which are teaching each other alchemy and enchanting.

"You be quiet, chicken legs! We are doing some real academic work here! Not scratching our buts, and looking down in the dumps," Alexus has a mouth on him. This must be the 100^th time he insults me. As I always do, I write a strike against the talking table.

I tried everything to get rid of it. I tried to burn it, but Alexus made it fireproof. Furthermore, I tried to dump it in the lake, but Alexus made it waterproof. Likewise, I tried jumping on it until it breaks, but Gregory made it slippery, and now I am with a broken leg…

"How about you two teach me something important, you old farts! Oceania is counting on me to save it!" I snarl, and the two old men quiet down.

"If you wish to learn the secrets of the Arcane, you must… place an apple on the table," this is Gregory. He can't eat, but likes it when I place food on the table.

"Oh, gee, can it wait? My leg is killing me. Just when is that healer coming along?" I hear the doorbell, and then take my crutches. Slowly, I make my way to the door.

God help the person on the other side if they are just a salesperson. I think, after months of abuse from Alexus, I can make just about everyone cry.

"Hello, we, from pest control, are here to check up on a signal that your neighbor has sent to us. Are you Alek, the Hero of Ultimate Fate?" I slammed the door in the person's face.

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Why? Well, he is obviously a con artist. Just who doesn't know who I am, in Oceania? Are there even people living around the Salty Lake? Only I am foolhardy enough to live here.

But pest control, eh? Does that include talking tables? I hope so. I wait for the doorbell to ring again, and open the door.

There is a trick to making people do what you want them to. With salespeople, it is easy. You just need to slam the door in their faces the first time. And then, as if by a miracle, they do as you wish.

"Do you handle talking tables?" I ask the man. He rummages in his bag, and takes out a vial.

"In this day and age, plenty of people hear voices in their heads. In fact, with the rise of the demon lord, numerous people have been complaining of such a thing. This will help you, sir," he angled the vial, so I can see the price tag. I take it from his hands, and sniff the liquid within. It looks to be just mint tea.

"This is mint tea," I say, narrowing my eyes at the salesperson. "And didn't you say you are from pest control?"

"In this day and age, one must have more than one job. Now, please lead me to your treasures. I hear you have a small drake living there. It is best if I am to remove it, before you end up with a dragon," the man looks hopeful. I decide to play along.

"Yeah, the drake? It is within my dimensional table," I said, as I stepped to the side, so he could enter.

"Dimensional table?" I resisted the urge to chuckle. The con is getting the feeling that I am conning him, huh?

"Yes, dimensional table. It is a bunker. But, two wizards managed to slip inside, and I can't get them out," I told the man, and then led him to the coffee table.

He knocked on the table a couple of times, lifted it from one side, looked at it from below. Yet, the two wizards did not speak to him. They have the habit of doing that. Keep mum with everyone else but me.

"I see. Well, to expel the spirits, you must drink your potion," he hands me back the mint tea, and I decide, well, why not? At best, it will knock me out. I think I haven't slept, since I broke my leg. Just where is the healer?

I sit on the couch, and then decide to lay on it. Soon, I am dozing off. Huh, guess that it was not tea. Anyway, the con might uncover something great in the house, if I get to sleep through it.

As I drift off, I hear the con knocking on the table. I could have sworn, that I hear Alexus's grumbling, but I pay it no mind. The potion does its work, and I fall asleep.   

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