Chapter 4: Chapter 4 – Memory Lane

Before I knew it was already the third of March, entering my second full month of the experiment. Part of me wanted this whole thing to already be over but I also kept thinking that I might be wasting this chance by just sitting at home all day doing nothing…

My checkup with doc went the same as the last one, but now I was sitting in Dr. Samantha’s office getting ready for a full therapy session with her. Her clipboard was ready and her pen in hand, she gave me a gentle smile while I reclined back on the couch.

“So how have things been this last month for you?” she started while reading something, most likely her notes on the last session we had

“Uh.. alright I suppose?... more of the same, I just recently met up with a group of friends and told them about this whole thing” I didn’t really look at her, it was easier for me to talk without making eye contact

“And how did that go?”

“Ehh… it went well with three of them, Mark was being a prick about it though” I was still pretty pissed at him

“Oh? What did he say?”

“He was just being really crass about my body is all” I shrugged, “and he didn’t really seem to respect me that much”

“Because of this experiment? Or has he always been that way?” I could hear the faint scribbling of her pen moving quickly on paper

“He’s always been… kind of a shit head, so I guess it’s not that new” with a deep sigh I could feel my heart rate speeding up slightly, “and then there was my friend Kevin…”

“Was he one of the ones who reacted in an alright manner?”

“Mhm, he was really fine with everything and treated me the same as he always has” I turned my head to look at her, “we’ve been best friends since we were kids so I was very relieved… but…”

“But?”

“He… said something that made me feel… weird” the blush started to creep up on me again, “he said that the name I came up with, for if I did live in some weird world where I wanted to be a girl, was… cute… and fitting for a girl version of me”

“And how did that make you feel?” she looked up from her clipboard now

“Confused mostly… like… we’re both straight guys, but when he said that about me I felt… well, I felt kinda like I had butterflies I guess?” my hands idly rubbed my stomach as if I could still feel it

“Sounds to me like you were just happy to receive a compliment, nothing says that feeling happy from something like that automatically means your sexuality is different than you thought it was” she kept fidgeting with her pen slightly, “but even if that was the case, is that such a bad thing?”

“I… suppose not… I guess… but I’ve always only been into women before this serum” I sat up again, “do you think this could be a side effect of the shot?”

She just nodded her head, “no I do not believe so, you’re sexuality cannot be changed with a shot just like how your gender cannot be changed with a shot”

“Uh… but isn’t this whole experiment about changing gender?” cocking my head to the side I blew some hair out of my eyes.

 

She smiled slightly, “No, this experiment is about changing the body to better resemble a person’s gender as well as being the first real experiment in changing one’s sex completely”

“I… don’t follow?”

“Sex is your physical biological qualities that you are born with, it’s your chromosomes and the set of genitals you had at birth. Gender on the other hand is a performance, an expression, a part of your identity, it’s more abstract and far more personal. For most people their gender and their sex are one in the same, but for some people they are not the same” this sounded kind of like what L was talking about, “there’s nothing wrong with people whose gender and sex don’t match, but for some of them it can be very uncomfortable and traumatic to live in a body that feels so wrong”

“So… that’s what this experiment is for?”

“Correct, currently with medicine one can change a lot of their physical characteristics, you’d be surprised just how much can change from introducing a dose of estrogen and a testosterone suppressant. This experiment is just trying to find an even better method of allowing someone to live as their true self” she spoke very clearly, in such a manner that it felt easy to understand

“I think I get it… I guess?”

“Some people incorrectly assume that those who struggle with this issue can simply suck it up and force themselves to be ok with their birth sex, when in reality it’s not a choice that one can make any more than one can choose to be straight or gay” she pointed her pen at me, “so while the shot had no affect on your sexuality, perhaps the changes to your sex awakened a part of you that you didn’t know about”

“I… see… Well, it’s not like it matters since Kevin is a straight guy regardless, so even if I’m bi it’s not like he’d want anything like that with me” I breathed a slight sigh of relief, “I’m still not sure if I’m into guys at all though…”

“And that’s ok, self discovery can take a long time, and even if you end up discovering that your sexual attraction actually is exclusively towards women you can at least be more confident and sure of your identity” she smiled, “Some view self discovery as a journey with a finite ending point, they see it as once you’re an adult it’s over, you’re a set person. But in reality? Self discovery is a journey with no end, there is always more to discover about yourself, some see that as disappointing, but to me? Even if it’s never ending, it’s a journey worth taking”

I sat in silence for a few moments thinking about what she said and she didn’t say anymore, letting me gather my thoughts without interrupting me.

 

Finally though she did finally speak after a few good quiet moments passed.

“Now then, speaking of self discovery, I would like to know more about your childhood” she started looking into her notes again, “particularly if there’s any part of your past where you were uncomfortable with your body, or that you wanted to do something that guys weren’t ‘supposed’ to do, that kind of stuff”

“Umm… well…” I started to try and think back.

My memory had never been that great in general, most of my childhood and schooling was pretty hazy and forgotten so it took awhile to find a good memory to talk about. But of course I did find one that might fit with what she was asking me.

“There… was a time back when I was really young, see I have a twin sister…” I started, while talking the memory became apparent in my mind.

I was probably about thirteen at the time and my parents were out of the house with my sister, I think she was getting braces or something? Either way with no one in the house I let my curiosity get the better of me.

I crept my way across the silent hall on the second floor, even though no one was home I was terrified that I might get spotted. When we moved into this house my sister got the nicer and bigger room while I was left with the small shitty room, I didn’t really mind as I didn’t have much stuff to begin with while my sister on the other hand was always getting new stuff, clothes in particular.

I had seen her bringing home a huge haul of clothes the other day so I walked into her room as quietly as I could. Her room was a mess, not that mine was clean in the slightest, but her’s was messy in the sense that clothes were strewn all over the place. The thing I was looking for had to be around here, so I started digging, shorts? No, tossing those to the side I saw some shirts? Not exactly what I was looking for.

“Where is it…” I muttered out loud to no one in particular while throwing jeans and blouses all over the place before finally seeing my mark.

Laying there on the ground next to a few pairs of shorts, was a dark blue dress that mom had bought for her. It was a little old timey, but it was beautiful nonetheless. I quickly snatched it and carried it off back into my room, locking the door behind me.

 

The fabric for it felt amazing and I just knew I had to try it on, I stripped out of my clothes and was just getting ready to slip it on when I heard something that made my entire stomach drop. The garage door was opening! In a horrified panic I sprinted out of my room, struggling with the doorknob and nearly breaking it off in my hasty attempt to open the locked door before darting over to Brittany’s room and throwing the dress somewhere inside.

I just barely managed to get back to my own room completely in the nude before my family could ever see me.

 

“As far as I’m aware no one in my family ever knew what I had done” I sighed deeply, remembering the sheer anxiety of the situation

“And what was it that you were so afraid of?” she stared at me pensively

“I was afraid that I would be shouted at… considered a freak… or even thrown out of the house” my hands started shaking a bit

“Is kicking you out something your parents would have done?”

“...No, definitely not, mom would maybe have cried over me being a weirdo but… she could never kick me out”

“And why would wearing a dress make you a weirdo?” she leaned back, taking notes yet again

“Because I’m a guy, guys can’t wear dresses…” I felt a slight throat scratch

“Sure they can, it’s just fabric after all, there’s nothing immoral in the slightest about wearing feminine clothes as a man” 

“R-really?... here I thought you were going say that trying to wear a dress would have made me a girl” I laughed a bit awkwardly

“It all depends on the reason why you wanted to wear one, did you want to wear it just because you wanted to wear it? In that case you could still absolutely be a guy, or did you want to wear it because you wanted to feel like a girl? In that case there may be more to it than just being a guy who wants to wear a dress” she pressed her hands together, “of course you can want to wear it for both reasons, both because you want to in it’s own right and because you want to feel like a girl”

“This all sounds really confusing…” I couldn’t help but groan a bit, “I wish there was an easy answer”

“Well, ultimately no one can tell you for certain what your gender is. All I can do is guide you and inform you, but only you can say for certain who you are” her warm smile did make me feel a little more at ease

“Now h-hold on a minute… I don’t know why we are even talking about the chance that I’m a girl! I already know with certainty that I’m a guy!” it was as if I only just now realized that we were talking about this possibility.

 

She smiled slightly before speaking again, “why do you feel the need to protest so profusely?”

“B-because… people might get the wrong idea with me being in this experiment and all so I-I… need to remind people a lot that I’m still a guy at the end of the day”

“That makes sense… Tell you what, how about we delve into another memory, alright? Perhaps thinking back more can help your thought process”

With a nod I started trying to think of other life experiences that might fit this weird criteria. I don’t know why I was humoring this idea at all… I’m still a guy… absolutely positively a guy… but I guess if I keep telling her stories maybe she’ll eventually believe me?

 

I thought back even earlier in my life, I think I was in about fifth or sixth grade at the time? I was sitting in the cafeteria when Kevin came to sit down next to me.

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“Hey did you hear?” he had a big wide smile on his face, “I heard the funniest thing today”

“No… what did you hear?” at this age my hair was very long, and my bangs were completely covering my eyes because I liked it that way

“Mr. Johnson got sick, right? Well I heard from Sam that he got so sick the doctor’s had to remove his balls!” he laughed in an obnoxiously loud child kind of way

“I… don’t get it” I thought about it a bit more, “that sounds kinda nice, getting rid of them”

“Whaaat? Why the hell would you want to get rid of your balls?” Kevin looked more confused than I did now

“They’re just… inconvenient, they suck, they’re irritating, and it’s not like I ever plan on using my balls…” I fidgetted a bit awkwardly, “if I could get rid of them I absolutely would”

“That’s kinda weird dude” he shrugged and focused on his food, I couldn’t pay him much mind for the rest of lunch either.

 

Dr. Samantha was lightly tapping her pen on the edge of the clipboard while listening intently, “So you had an open disdain for your genitals at a young age”

“I mean, yeah, they suck to have just hanging there” shuddering at the thought, “nobody likes having that shit at all, you wouldn’t get it unless you were a guy”

“Have your guy friends expressed a similar feeling?” she raised a brow

“No, but I know we all feel the same way, it’s just… seen as unmasculine to talk about it” I shrugged, “but every guy absolutely feels the same way as me on that one, no one could possibly like those things hanging off of their body”

“What makes you so sure of that?” she clasped her hands together gently

“Well… like… they just suck, it’s awful feeling them there, it’s awful that it’s between your legs, they’re inconvenient… it’s impossible to enjoy having that there” it felt like it had been forever since I had balls, “you girls have it so lucky in that regard”

“Interesting” there was a slight smirk on her face, “none of the others in the control group reported feeling that way, in fact a few of them expressed an open desire to have their testicles back”

“Wh-what? Pfft, that’s not true, you’re just psyching me out” I brushed her off and sat completely back, laying down fully on the couch

“What reason would I have to lie to you about that?”

“I-I don’t know… I feel li-like you are trying to convince me that I’m a girl or something” my face was bright red and my hands were trembling a bit

“Dillan, I’m not trying to convince you of anything, I am just telling you what I know to try and guide you into realizing your own identity, whether that be a man a woman or anything else”

“I-it doesn’t feel that way…” I crossed my arms tight

“My goal here is only to help you sort through your feelings, not gaslight you into thinking of yourself one way or another” she gently pushed her glasses up, “it feels to me like you are being overly defensive about your gender”

“I-It’s because of the serum! Everyone a-asks me if I have a girl’s name or if I’m a girl now… and this serum makes me feel weird about it… it makes me feel at peace with it for some reason” I started to shake my head, “it feels like even the serum is trying to convince me that I’m a girl”

“And in what way is it doing that?”

“By making me feel really good! I-I wake up excited… Every morning in the early part of the e-experiment I was measuring myself… I-I couldn’t wait for the changes” I closed my eyes tight, “and when they finally came it made me feel so happy… I was giddy with e-excitement”

“And you believe the serum is affecting your brain because of this?”

“Exactly!”

“Well… before the serum reached this stage we experimented with a one day version with over a hundred test subjects, after that we moved on to one month duration with fifty subjects, and throughout both of those experiments not a single person in the control groups reported feeling this way” she placed her hand on her chin, “now the people who funded this experiment? They all reported feelings similar to your’s, the only difference is that they had all already known how they felt before taking the serum”

“I-I don’t get it… I-I… I can’t be a girl” a few tears started to well up in my eyes, “th-there’s no way… I’m not… I know I’m a guy…”

There was a long pause in the room aside from my sniffling as I tried to contain the tears.

 

“Do you know what I think you should do?” Dr. Samantha asked me while handing me a tissue

“Wh-what…”

“You’ve still got until January before the serum wears off, why don’t you give it a try? Experiment with yourself, go by that girl’s name you came up with, do whatever you think a girl version of you would do” her warm smile once again helped me feel a little bit at ease, “you don’t have to tell people that you are trying out being a girl, just tell them it’s easier given your appearance to go by fem pronouns and a fem name”

“I… I don’t know…”

“Trying it out doesn’t mean you have to stick with it, going by a fem name for a few months doesn’t automatically make you a woman” I sniffled again between her sentences, “and in the end, you could learn something new about yourself or you could be much more confident in your male identity”

“Y-you don’t think I’m confident?”

“Sweetie, you bring up the fact that you’re a guy at every possible opportunity, that is a sure sign of insecurity if I’ve ever seen one” she giggled alongside me, I guess I hadn’t realized how much I declared that I was a guy, “It seems to me like you’re afraid, afraid that you might not be a guy… so in an effort to convince yourself you put on this charade of constantly espousing your masculinity”

“...which in turn makes me come off a-as… insecure…”

“Exactly, but if you give being a woman a try and end up being more certain of your masculinity by the end of it? Then there would be no need for you to constantly bring up that you’re a guy, because you’d be sure of yourself” she was fidgeting with her pen again, “So what do you say? Are you willing to try it?”

“I-I….” it felt like my mind was broken, it was racing through so many different thoughts and paranoias and worries and desires all in a matter of seconds.

 

I could have sworn for a moment that I was about to have another episode, that Dr. Samantha would have to help me manage whatever it is that happens to me when I start panicking like this. But I managed to slow my breathing down as best as I could, trying to focus in on a smaller range of thoughts.

“I guess… I would be willing to g-give it a try…” I was fidgeting my fingers rapidly

“Wonderful, if you would like… you could tell me your chosen name”

“Uh… w-well… I-I was kinda thinking of ma-maybe… go-going by the na-name… Robyn?” I hid my face behind my hands, a pit forming in my stomach

“Hm… Robyn is a lovely name for a nice young woman like yourself”

The moment she said that I could feel my heart skip a beat, a deep and powerful chill ran all the way up my back that nearly made me squirm in my seat.

“Th-thank you…” I could barely manage from behind my hands

“Well.. with that settled we are actually perfectly out of time for this session” she rose up out of her seat while I was still struggling with my extremely red face, “I feel like we worked through a lot for a single session”

“Uh.. y-yeah… definitely” I slowly managed to wobble my way up to my feet, feeling somewhat weak in the knees

“Well than Ms. Davis, I’ll see you next month” even just being called Miss nearly made me melt onto the ground!

“Y-yup! I-I’ll see you later!” It felt sort of rude, but I ran out of the office at top speed without even checking back in with doc for my blood work results. 

 

The whole drive home it just kept replaying in my head, Ms. Davis… Robyn… Robyn Davis… the name I’d be going by… m-my name for the next who knows how long. My heart felt like I had just run a marathon, it was beating hard in my ears while a bit of sweat dripped down my forehead.

If I was going to be trying out this whole girl thing… maybe I should let my sister know… or perhaps I should call Isabella, I hadn’t even told her about the experiment yet… I’m sure she would be excited to meet Robyn.

 

By the time I got home I knew exactly what the first thing I wanted to do would be… but I didn’t know if I was fully ready to do it. I slowly walked up the stairs to my apartment with an ever growing pit in my stomach that felt worse and worse with each and every move that I made. But I thought that hey, if I was going to actually be a woman for the next ten months… then there was one massive first step I needed to take.

I took a seat on my bed and waited, struggling for what felt like hours with my head in my hands. Why was I second guessing? This felt like something I needed to do, right? Dr. Samantha had a point… I should try and experience it for myself… I almost started to feel like I was going to be sick. 

I don’t know how long I sat there, it could have been five minutes or five hours, I had no idea. But once the courage finally hit me I flew up out of my seat on my bed and in one swift motion I pulled my shirt off over my head, stomping towards the closet door.

 

I didn’t give myself time to think or second guess, I didn’t want to chicken out, I had to know… I had to try… I had to do this or else I’d never be certain. I grabbed the first thing I saw, I gingerly slipped it onto my chest, reaching my hands back to toy with the clasp. It took awhile but eventually I felt it connect… the bra was on.

Much like I did when I was a kid, I walked as slowly and as quietly as I possibly could. Walking over to the bathroom with my heart absolutely pounding in my ears. I walked inside with my eyes closed and turned on the lights, positioning myself in front of the counter, in front of the mirror.

Then I took a long deep breath, trying to calm myself to the best of my abilities. I finally opened my eyes and… looking back at me was, Robyn, this… beautiful woman wearing a white bra. I knew I had measured myself in the mirror before this, I had seen my girl body and face before but this time… it felt more real. I gave myself a lookdown over every inch that I could see in the mirror and felt… strange.

Without even fully realizing it, tears began to well up in my eyes, they quickly started to stream down my face the instant I noticed them. All because I felt… pretty.

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