Chapter 133: Ch.31 What I’d Do For Her (2/4)

 

With the day finally over, I made my way up to my room. I had a fair bit of homework to get done, so I decided it would be best for me to finish that first. The next thing to do would be to chat with Takade-san, and lastly, before bed, I can discuss things with Taylor-sensei.

“I’ll start with my English work…”

I dreaded every minute of it, but slowly I waded my way through the horrors of the English language. Today's assignment was to read a bunch of phrases and sayings and translate things into Japanese. Proverbs like,

“The grass is always greener on the other side…”

are one of the few that do translate almost word for word.

However, other proverbs don’t, and I would have to change it up or make it work in the Japanese language. In other words, this assignment was hell. I was tempted to walk downstairs and find Mari-san. Maybe she could just do it for me, but I held my ground and stayed firm. Thankfully, I finished it in less than an hour.

“Finally…”

After stretching, I made my way back to my desk, attempting to get more work done. But a certain person came back to mind, and the guilt began to assault me out of nowhere. The cold tears raced down her hot face. That realization of how I saw her melting into her consciousness…

“…”

I tried to concentrate on my math homework. It took far longer than I expected because my focus was straining. I leaned back in my seat for a moment, and when I got tired of that, I pressed my face on my desk and thought about that moment again and again.

“I told her what needed to be said.”

I was in the right, just like Hana-chan said.

“She needed to know that I don’t trust her. That we aren’t as close as she thought.”

I scorned.

“She needed to understand that we aren’t to the point that I’d trust her…with what’s going on now.”

Now I buried my head deeper into my arms as I laid on the desk. My pencil dangled in my hands, waiting to be used. Softly, I murmured…

“I wanted Okabe Kasumi-san to know that we aren’t friends…that way she wouldn’t dare to mess things up.”

I anguished as I lifted my body and stretched.

“She’s horrible to everyone. She made my best friend’s cry…”

I groaned…

“So why do I feel so bad about it?”

I looked up at the ceiling. As if someone was gazing down at me, I felt exposed. Like an entity I didn’t know was probing inside of me, showing me sides to myself that I hated. As if I was being scrutinized for every little thing I thought of.

“I like to think that I’m a nice person…but I’m not gullible. I know the kind of person Okabe-san is…”

My phone began vibrating, breaking me from my poisonous thoughts. When I looked at the name, the bright pink madness was roaring to go. I wasn't finished with my homework…but at this rate, it wasn't getting done any time sooner either.

So, I closed my books and picked up my phone.

“Hey!”

She perked.

“Takade-san.”

 

 

“Let’s cut right to the chase! When did you find out you liked boobs too?!”

I found myself chuckling warily as I scratched the side of my cheek. Gently, with the same hand, I patted my two girls firmly on my chest.

“Well, it’s not that easy. I honestly didn’t just wake up thinking I…ah…you know…liked girls.”

I looked towards the doorway as if someone was peeking in on me. Now that I thought about it, the only person in the house right now that I haven't told that I was interested in women…would be my mom surprisingly. In the past…I never confessed that to her either, did I?

“What do you mean?! Tell me more, Nakagawa-san!”

I focused back on the pink lightning. With a calm mind, I explained.

“Well, you actually don’t know the full story about me. You see, Takade-san…I recently came out from a two-year coma…”

So it began, the story of my coma once again.

I explained to her my two-year gap along with the memory loss associated with it. As I expected, she was flabbergasted…more because she discovered that I was actually a year older than her. She seemed fixated on that fact.

“What an amazing story, to find out you liked girls again!”

I pictured her rolling around in bed. Well, it’s not like I was too far off when she literally was screaming, ‘I’m rolling in bed!’ as she did it. I can’t lie, I found her as one of the cutest people I recently met.

“Amazing…yeah, I guess.”

I didn't find my coma story amazing in the slightest. If anything, it was tiring looking back at it. As I always wake up, doing my best to forget about the past and embrace the future. That wasn't easy.

Still, I think about how far behind I was in schooling compared to my original class. I still have a complex about being the oldest in class and knowing I’ll graduate as the oldest likely always came back to mind. Not only that…how complex everything is after my coma…

Like not being able to remember important pieces of my life…likely because of the trauma I suffered. So amazing…isn’t how I would express my feelings towards this.

“So, what’s your type, Nakagawa-san?! Who are you attracted to physically?”

“Physically?”

That was a different kind of question than I was used to. Slowly, I imagined the best girl for me. I started with a blank slate. As I put words in my mind, images started creating a perfect person…

“I’m more attracted to someone with more of a feminine charm. If they wear a dress or skirt, it’s already a plus!”

My mind started going now, like a train off its rails.

“I-I…like mature women too, I noticed. Someone in office attire is always attractive to me…”

My voice peaked as my body began to warm up. I sluggishly rubbed my body on the bed as I kicked about. My hair was starting to become messy as I rubbed my cheeks deeper into the sheets.

“You mean the everyday office worker? It has a kind of charm to it don’t they?! Kind of like an authority figure. A…powerful person.”

She squealed. I found myself picturing Mari-san and Risa-san in business attire. I saw them like that a lot, so it was an easy image to bring to mind. What came to mind was Risa-san with her back turned, striding with power as I watched her…butt that day. But not only Risa-san…there were moments when Mari-san moved about that I always saw her charcoal hair dance in the wind. Her dress tie would swing that way too, and she’d always looked like a model. Cool, stylish, calm…majestic.

 

 

“Yeah, there’s just something about the business suit that I…like.”

But then suddenly, Taylor-sensei and even Simpson-san came to mind. However, they were in business wear too. With all the right curves for Taylor-sensei and a strange but fitting frailness to Simpson-san.

Them being two of the mature variety too…I guess it was expected that they’d come to mind. That didn’t stop the butterflies in my stomach from causing me a bout of anxiety.

“Ohh, what are you thinking about?! Are you blushing?! You’re blushing, aren’t you, Nakagawa-san?”

“N-No…”

I lied as I shook my head, trying to destroy the images I conjured up. To change the subject, I blurted out the next thing that came to mind.

“B-But then someone who can pull off a hyper cute outfit is like a needle in a haystack too, Takade-san…I wouldn’t mind a cute girlfriend…too I guess.”

“You mean like a cosplayer?!”

She squealed like a mouse. I could hear her jump on her bed when a loud noise came from the other side of the phone.

“Saki! Stop jumping on the bed!”

“Shut up, Onii-chan!! I’m talking about hot girls with my new friend!”

Takade-san screamed at the top of her lungs. Her voice peaked so high it reminded me of nails on a chalkboard. This caused a jitter to dance down my back.

“I’m trying to do my college work! I can’t concentrate when you act this way, Saki!”

“I said leave me alone! Mom! Ryo Onii-chan is bullying me!”

After a bit of back and forth, I heard an older woman’s voice reluctantly pull her brother out of her room. The springs of her bed could still be heard as I assumed she continued bouncing around. It was…super adorable.

“Now, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, cosplaying girlfriends?!”

I giggled a tad shyly.

“I-I don’t know about that. B-But I wouldn’t mind someone who would dress up in an idol outfit every now and then. I-I think that would be super adorable.”

I imagined someone like Sophia-san or even Yuko-chan in an adorable idol outfit. Hana-chan could also pull it off for sure! Sophia-san had the dirty blond hair that would shine in the limelight. Yuko-chan’s ash hair felt like it would flow well in the spotlight. And with Hana-chan being so short and cute, her long dark hair would allure me as she danced around.

 

 

My partner chuckled from the other end of the line.

“Sounds like I lit a fire in you. How often do you get to chat about things like this, Nakagawa-san?”

“Ah…not too often at all.”

I admitted, shamefully.

“You see why I was so excited now, Nakagawa-san?”

My head bobbed up and down. Chatting with Taylor-sensei was one thing. But the fact of the matter was, she was older than me. She’s experienced things that I haven’t. In a way, Takade-san and I are both on the same level. We’re still young, trying to find our way through our feelings.

“When did you…find out that you liked girls, Takade-san?”

From the other end of the phone, I heard a drawn-out sigh.

“When I realized that the feelings I had for a best friend of mine were…different than hers for me.”

The constant bubble of excitement felt like it lost a bit of her spark as she explained…

“I had a best friend. We shared all kinds of hobbies, and we just clicked. You know, the kind of person who would always pick you to be on their team even if you suck at the game.”

She giggled, but it felt forced. I felt where this story was going but allowed her to continue.

“One day, she was asked out by another friend of ours. He was handsome and on the basketball team. They started dating…and I fell into the shadows. Then the crying suddenly came, the understanding that I didn’t just want her to be my friend…but more.”

She sighed.

“I wanted…to be in the place of that handsome basketball star she fell in love with.”

Takade-san paused as she calmed down. I was about to say something when she spoke up first.

“I told her how I felt…that I was in love with her…and she didn’t want that kind of thing with me. Slowly she stopped hanging out with me. She wouldn’t answer my phone calls and rumors began to spread. I had no friends, and I was an easy target for the bullies in my school.”

 

 

 

“Takade-san…”

“Eh, it’s just a dumb sob story. But no girl in my school would chat with me because, apparently, when you’re attracted to them, everyone is a target for you.”

I concurred. That wasn't true at all though…but that's how people are. When they don't understand they immediately turn to speculations and judgments. That leads to prejudice, and then you have someone being bullied like Takade-san.

“So, I chose Jinda High School because it was an all-girls school. There was a high chance I'd meet girls just like me…and I was right. I met you so far, Nakagawa-san!"

“Yeah…you’re right.”

“Why did you choose Jinda High School?! Were you on the prowl for a lover too?!”

I leaned back on the wall. She was like night and day now. I didn’t want her to go back to being sad, so I pushed forward and kept my spirits high.

“Well…my stepsister, Koda Hana-san, goes to the sister school a few blocks away. Mom and…my stepmother asked me to go there.”

She squealed like a duckling calling to her mom.

“Wait…Even your mom turned out to be gay too?! Not only that, she’s with a partner that has a daughter?!”

“Ah…yeah. Yeah…”

“What a fantastic family full of lesbians!”

Despite her excitement, this subject actually began to hurt my stomach. Only because of my feelings for Mari-san being put on display like this.

“Wait…you said that you found out you were into girls in the past…how did you know? Was there a girl that you liked in the past?”

Now she was probing really hard. I don’t think Takade-san had any malicious intent, but she just honestly wanted to know all the juicy details.

“You know…Yuko-chan told me that you used to be her Senpai. Even though you’re the same age as her…Nakagawa-san.”

“Oh yeah. I used to be her basketball Senpai, I guess. She calls me Senpai every now and then. It’s kind of cute.”

“What if you fell in love with Yuko-chan?! Did you ever consider that?!”

“Eh?”

I pictured the small Yuko-chan from the past. The one I barely remember but still enters my vision every now and then. She used to be so quiet, cute, scarce that I found myself wanting to protect her. She also lost her grandmother around that time, so I wanted to be there for her when she needed emotional support.

 

 

“Ah…I don’t think I fell in love with-“

"But you have memory loss associated with your coma, right? So, you don’t actually know if you did or not…”

She wasn’t wrong…but in a way she was. I know for certain that I fell in love with Mari-san. It was Mari-san who my feelings yearned for even after I woke up.

“No, I don’t think I fell in love with Yuko-chan…Takade-san.”

“Well, if you didn’t, she sure did.”

The blood in my body began to rise again as I thought about Yuko-chan all the more.

“W-Why would you say that?!”

“Listen, I don’t know if you’re denying it or not, but it’s clear that she did. Yuko-chan instantly changed when she saw you again.”

As a professor, she began her lecture on the subject of Yuko-chanology.

“She started drawing red carnations, the flower of love, for you, Nakagawa-san. Senpai and I were so worried she'd get her heartbroken that we begged her to give you pink ones instead."

I could hear her bounce around her room, it mirrored the terror of my heart as she did this. But she wasn’t stopping as she continued. I wondered how much energy she had left.

“She fought us tooth and nail, but eventually, she caved…and sent you the picture of those pink carnations.”

Everything she was saying matched upright. But I denied it, shaking my head from side to side.

“Y-You’re wrong though. She explained to me that those red carnations were just a misunderstanding. She wanted to give me those in appreciation to her grandmother...”

“Girl, stop.”

She cut me off so fast that I had to suck back in the words I was going to spit out.

"In the past, she visited you at the hospital, right Nakagawa-san?”

“Right…”

“There she tried to give you red carnations, right?”

“Yeah…that’s right.”

"For whatever reason, she couldn't…at that time, knowing Yuko-chan, giving you such a gift would mean the world to her. So, when you came back into her life…she wanted to give you them again.

 

“Isn’t it obvious, she wanted to say, 'Hello, Madoka-senpai, I’m still in love with you.'"

 

 

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“Ah….”

 

Maybe Takade-san is blowing Yuko-chan’s feelings out of proportion, but what she said…would make sense…

That would be why Mari-san would be so jealous…knowing Mari-san…she’s clever.

That means Mari-san would have read that Yuko-chan loved me…and did everything in her power to make sure to destroy her chances at getting to me. Yeah…Takade-san cleared that up…while making my world all the more complicated. Geez, thanks, Takade-san.

“I think you two would be great together, Nakagawa-san!”

“Eh?! Why would you say that?”

Tenderly, she expressed her feelings to me.

“You change her, Nakagawa-san! She’s slowly gaining more confidence since you two got closer. With you by her side, Yuko-chan can achieve everything she hoped and dreamed for!”

My head was spinning now. To be honest…this was probably the last thing I should be filling my mind with right now. I had a lot of things to focus on. Like Sophia-san and Taylor-sensei. My love life was already complicated enough with my stepmother’s boss actively pursuing me too…

“…I’ll think about it, Takeda-san.”

“Nice! Now can you give me a good input for Saya-senpai! She’s super oblivious to my advances, but I want to make out with her by Christmas!”

Like an endless battery, her excitement couldn’t be mirrored nor measured.

“Well, I doubt she’d listen to me…but I know her older sister well. Maybe I can ask her to tell your senpai to give you more attention?”

“Holy cow! You’d do that, Nakagawa-san?!”

“Of course. You’re a sweet girl who deserves to be loved by…ah…Saya-san.”

“Hey, you didn’t sound too confident there.”

It wasn’t a lack of confidence. I was more haunted by the thought of her going out with Saya-san. She might end up as a sacrifice to the next occult-like deity that she could think up. I can already see her using poor, adorable, cute Takade-san as a human sacrifice.

“You just…be careful around Saya-san, alright?”

She groaned.

“I shouldn’t have to be careful around Senpai! Senpai is amazing! She has everything I could want. Strange but super hot! Smart, kind, nice butt, the works!”

“Hehe…I’m rooting for you!”

I cheered. Not as high-spirited as Takade Saki-san, but hopefully, it was enough to get her going.

In this wonderful moment, I found my worries fading away in the night. Takade-san had a hold on me, and I loved being a part of her banter…but suddenly, I took a long-drawn-out sigh…as Okabe-san’s face came back to mind, breaking my mood.

 

 

"Hm? Is everything alright?"

That look of pure hurt that I didn’t expect to get from her flooded into my mind.  Now curious, I asked…

“Hey, do you know Okabe Kasumi-san?”

“The first year with the attitude problem? What about her? Don’t tell me you have a crush on her??? Oh god, say it ain’t so, Nakagawa-san!”

I sighed a tad distastefully.

“No…nothing like that… It’s just I had a fight with her, and I seriously laid into her. She was upset this afternoon…and It’s…just bothering me right now.”

“She fights with everyone, why are you feeling guilty about it?”

I laid on my bed and looked at the crème white ceiling.

“I’ve been helping her every now and then with her little sister…but I think she might have thought we were closer than we are.”

I could hear the pink-haired madness grumble.

“You know back in the first semester I had physical education with her. She was a pretty mean person. So, if you made her cry, you shouldn’t feel bad.”

Even Takade-san seemingly had bad run-ins with Okabe-san. However, that run-in earlier today left a sour taste in my mouth. Like I wasn't gathering the full picture.

“You might be right.”

“I am right, girl! Don’t let that jerk ruin your mood!”

There I laid on my bed with my arms sprawled out like an octopus. Despite her being 1000% right, that person in me still felt guilty.

“Hmm, you know Nakagawa-san, I think you might be the kind-hearted type. That’s not a bad thing in any way, but…sometimes you have to be a bit more selfish to get what you want.”

“Oh, what do you mean?”

“Well, Okabe-san is a jerk to everyone, you included.”

She chuckled.

“But it sounds to me like you finally helped put her in her place. I don’t think anyone has made her cry. But instead of seeing that as a victory…you’re upset.”

“Yeah…I guess you’re right, Takade-san.”

“But even if you feel that way, the fact of the matter is…she might have needed that kind of wake-up call.”

“Wake-up call?”

Takade-san muttered in agreement.

“Yep, yep! It’s going to eat someone like you up, but…I think if you feel bad, you should talk with them about it soon, though.”

The thought of confronting Okabe-san again made my stomach knot like a forest of yarn buddling up. My mind was beginning to grow hazy.

“You know, Takade-san…whatever the reasons may be, Okabe-san doesn’t have the right to treat people the way she does.”

“Agreed, sister.”

“But…maybe the way she grew up made her believe that there’s little to nothing wrong when dealing with people that way. I don’t like her…that’s the honest truth…”

I clenched my fist as my determination flowed through me.

“But I think I want to understand her better…because I think there is some good in her…I mean, you should see how she is when she thinks about her little sister.”

I thought about Nagumi-chan when she was coloring in her book a few weeks back. That innocent creature not only loves her Onee-san but relies on her. As Saitou-san said…maybe to the point that she is like a mother to her.

“I think I get it, Nakagawa-san. Listen, I don’t know so much about her, but I have heard that when she skips a bunch to go to work.”

I twisted my locks in my fingers and nodded.

“Yeah…I found that she works at the Red Roses in the shopping district. I work beside her a lot now.”

“Oh, you’re a working girl too?! In your first year of high school?! Man, you really have a lot of tricks up your sleeve. I would have never guessed, Nakagawa-san.”

“Yeah, I started working there…to buy a gift for the person I liked.”

As if I dropped a bomb, she exploded with excitement.

“Eeehh?! That’s so romantic! I hope they love the gift you gave them, Nakagawa-san!”

“No, I haven’t given it to them yet. I’ve been trying to think of a gift, but I haven’t thought about it yet.”

“What do they like?”

I thought about Mari-san. Regrettably, the first image that came to mind was her on her couch. But I knew she liked fashion like me. Dramas like me and books and the like…

She's an amazing cook, and she bathes with lemon-scented shampoo…but I don't know what I could give her that would make her happy.

“I want to give her something she’d wear every day, I think. Or think about daily... You know the purple necklace I wear all the time…she gave it to me.”

 

 

“Awww…that really is sweet.”

“Yeah… but she’s with someone else now. It…didn’t work out between us.”

“That’s too bad. I didn’t know…but hey, do you still love them?”

My heart began to pound terribly as I nodded.

“Yeah…I do. But I told myself that I don’t want to go after them romantically anymore.”

"That's a lot harder than you think. Hopefully, you started to separate yourself from them, Nakagawa-san?”

“Huh?”

I didn’t realize it but my mouth fell open. My mind started to slowly turn as she questioned further.

 

“Listen, it’s a nice gesture to say, “let’s just be friends.” But in reality… if you love someone, you love them, Nakagawa-san.”

 

 

“Takade-san…”

 

She was right. Lately, I noticed that a lot of things went back to Mari-san. It didn’t help that she was right downstairs when I did my best not to look at her romantically. But how would I ever think about separating myself from her? Just the thought of doing something so extreme caused me a bit of anxiety.

“I don’t think I’m…ready for that, Takade-san.”

“Hence, the gift?”

“Huh?”

“You want to give a gift to someone who you don’t want to be romantically involved with…so she can think about you daily?”

My heart began to sink down into my stomach. She was right…and it hurt.

“…Y-Yes.”

“You’re obviously still in love girl, but you also know it won’t work. So, you’re trying to hold onto her by doing that.”

Am I…really holding onto Mari-san by trying to get her this gift?

“…Yeah. T-That sounds right, Takade-san.”

She was right…there was nothing I could say about that either. Takade-san wasn't just someone my age, but someone who has made her way through feelings of love. She, in a way, was my senpai for this kind of thing.

“…What should I do then, Takade-san?”

"I say if she's in a relationship and you still feel strongly for her… you should wait for her or move on. The longer you play in that game…the harder it will hurt when reality sets in.”

Like an expert, she cut it clearly for me…and it was painful as she did. She sliced down my walls of comfort in less than a second, exposing what my true intentions were. Perhaps I’ve always known what I was doing…but it took Takade-san to put it into perspective.

“I see…”

“Hey, what’s her name?”

“Hm?”

“Come on, I’ll keep it a secret. Does she go to our school? Can you point her out tomorrow?”

“No…she’s older. Ah…”

It’s not as if they’d meet any time soon. So, I closed my eyes and confessed. That tender name was still soaring in my heart as it escaped my lips.

“Her name is…Mari. I’m still in love with Mari…but I want to move on. But it’s hard, you know?”

“Mari? What a lovely name. I suggest that you do your best to remove yourself from her…that way you can actually begin to move on. How it sounds to me, you haven’t even started to move on. You only told yourself that you will.”

“I see.”

Takade Saki-san brought it to me like no one else. From how I’ve been acting, despite what I said…I’ve only been thinking about Mari-san still. Saitou Risa-san took me on an amazing date the other day, and here I was, thinking about Mari-san still. Hana-chan told me to put my heart into that person…and I didn’t. I…think I need to apologize to her when I get the chance.

“…That’s going to be hard, Takade-san.”

“Yeah, I know. But for the sake of both of you, maybe it’ll be best. Who knows though, maybe she’ll break up with that person, and you can be together.”

If Mari-san…broke up with my mom, it wouldn’t just ruin my mom…but the family we have. Just the idea of that made my stomach churn. I don’t want Hana and mom to be hurt by all of this…but as I could see, they were being hurt already. I don’t think I could ever find the heart to be with Mari-san if she was apart from mom though.

 

 

“I don’t think…

It would ever work.”

 

“Aw, sorry that it’s like this, Nakagawa-san. But if you think about it, I’m sure a lot of girls already like you.”

“…Y-Yeah.”

"I'm serious! As I said, Yuko-chan loves you for sure! And Mae-chan is so tomboyish, but she's super sweet. She talks about you all the time too! You stay away from senpai, and we're all good though!”

Takade-san was right. Like Taylor-sensei mentioned before, there’s plenty of fish in the sea…So, I have to temper my heart and start taking her word of advice...

“Yeah, I’m going to start living by how I said I would. I still want to give her a gift though...What do I do, Takade-san?”

“…Maybe that gift is your closure?”

She pondered before coming back at me with the same beaming personality.

“Hey…why don’t you give her a gift for her and her lover instead?”

A gift for not only Mari-san…but for mom too? Could that be what I need to do to officially put my feelings away from Mari-san? The thought of it hurt beyond words… It was as if someone was taking a knife to my stomach and pulling out my insides bit by bit…But it might be what I needed to do to let her go. To let the first love of my life…go.

“That might be a great idea, Takade-san.”

“Hey, I’m here for you whenever you need, alright?”

“...Thanks.”

We hung up but her words lingered in me. It’s obvious, isn't it? I’ve been saying what I wanted to do but haven’t been doing it. I closed my eyes and thought about that night...where Mari-san touched my head and asked me to tell her...when I fell in love. The realization of how hard that would be started assaulting me fiercely. It wasn't going to be as easy as telling myself that I need to move on...

 

 

“…I need to let Mari-san go...I...can't keep having feelings for her if I want our family to be okay...”

 

It hurt as much as it did that night when I came back home from the onsen. The night that I cried myself to sleep. My actions haven’t been representing my words for a while now, and that was apparent.

“A gift for both of them…”

That might be what I needed to do. So, I brushed that aside and looked back at my phone. When I found the name of a certain nurse…But before I clicked the name, my stomach began to hurt...a lot. When I tried to ignore it the corner of my eyes began to water. 

 

“…I’m not in the mood right now. I’ll…call her tomorrow instead.”

For the rest of the night, I lied in bed…unable to focus on anything else...

 

Thinking about how I’ll separate myself from Mari-san.

 

 

 

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