Chapter 136: SIDE STORY – On the Inside

 

Outside the manga bookstore, I waited patiently for the new release of A Howl in the Dark Night Special Edition. It took everything I had to get up this morning, let alone get dressed and wait excitedly like this. If mom had said something to me at breakfast time I might have gone off on her again and lost all will to come all the way down here.

“Come on, Mae…”

Now with the sudden mountain of guilt creeping up my stomach, I curled my eyebrows and tried to forget about the bad. I did my best to focus only on the good. But sadly, this enclosed feeling assaulted me again. Like I’m trapped in a body that won’t move. As if I was turned to stone the moment I ruined my chances, everyone around me is growing…but me.

Now I’m in line…about to waste my pocket money on a dumb book that won’t merit anything in my life. Madoka-san got a job; she’s moving on with her life, but me, I’m just acting like a kid…

“Should I spend my money on this?”

Now, that needless guilt is crawling at my mind, poisoning me with regrets and unworthy sorrows. My mind keeps telling me that I’m not worth getting something that will make me happy…

And slowly…

I’m starting to believe it.

“Next!”

A man shouted, causing me to jolt. However, I was so far back that it shouldn’t have alerted me. I’m around thirty or so minutes from the front, so I have quite a lot of time…

Yeah…here I am wasting thirty minutes buying a dumb book. Other people would be with friends on a weekend. That or studying to make their future a better place to live in. Yet here I am…wasting the allowance money that my hardworking parents gave me…

 

I really am…

Worthless sometimes, aren’t I?

 

“Watanabe-san?”

From the corner of my eye, a woman with deep black hair walked up to me. With a cunning smile and leafy green eyes, her beauty threw me for a loop before I knew who it was.

“Oh…Koda Mari-san?”

“Fancy meeting you here. Are you here to pick up a book?”

 

 

 

“Yeah…a new manga I’ve wanted is coming out…”

Saying that aloud made my stomach turn with disgust. I could be spending this on something more productive, but here I am…telling an adult that I’m childishly buying a dumb manga.

“Hm, it might be the same one Hana wanted. What’s the name of it?”

“Oh…Ah? A Howl in the Dark Night.”

She closed her eyes and nodded a tad slowly.

“That sounds correct. Hana has been wanting this for a while now, and…I can’t remember which one she wanted for the life of me, to be honest, Watanabe-san."

Koda-san slumped her shoulders.

“She’ll be disappointed again if I don’t bring home the right one.”

She looked defeated. Like she wanted to roll into a ball and give up on society altogether. Not only that, but she also began pulling her hair like a fanatic as she twirled around. All this wildness made me hold my stomach and start laughing out loud.

“Hey, what’s so funny?! Can’t you see I’m suffering here, Watanabe-san?”

She smirked as she calmed down and turned back to me.

“You’re hilarious, Koda-san!”

“I’m just stressed. You kids nowadays want all kinds of things. I can’t keep up. All I want to do is lie on my couch and watch a drama.”

Rubbing the back of her head, she smiled like a child. Despite the mature air she holds…Koda-san definitely has a playful side, and I like it a lot!

 

To think…that this is the woman my best friend…fell in love with.

But why her? What made Madoka-san fall in love with her? Was it her beauty? Or her mysterious air? I…never asked Madoka-san what truly made her fall for Mari-san.

“Am I in the right line, Watanabe?”

“Oh, yeah! I’m sure this is the book Hana-chan wants for sure, Koda-san.”

“Good! I’m no good at manga and games. Ask me about normal books and dramas, and I’m way better.”

She crossed her arms and put her nose to the air. It was super funny how she was proud of that fact.

“What kind of dramas do you like, Koda-san?”

“I’m a geek for mystery and romance, I guess.”

With a finger in the air, she professed.

“I’ve watched so many of them lately; I can solve any mystery!”

“That must mean you’re a mastermind of the heart too, right, right?!”

“Eh? Hehe…I’m pretty terrible at relationships. I can’t lie…”

She scratched her head in seeming embarrassment. That was a surprise to me as she turned back to me with a cheap grin.

“I guess we’re the same there.”

Koda-san put her arms behind her back and lowered her gaze.

“It’s just…complicated, you know?”

As if she was deep in thought she zoned out. Her gaze became intense, and before I knew it, she put a smile back on her face in an instant. It was a little unnatural how her switch flipped so suddenly.

“Anyway, how’s school. I can’t believe you’re a 2nd-year student and almost taller than me already. You’re growing fast, Watanabe-san.”

I rubbed the back of my head a bit shyly.

“It’s going pretty good! I joined a new club, and I’m loving my club members.”

“That’s always a good thing. You know, sometimes it feels like you’re not doing much while you’re in school…but in actuality, just the idea of joining a club gives you a sense of responsibility.”

“Huh?”

Taken aback by her sudden words, I leaned in closer.

“Right now, you’re young, so you should be enjoying your time with friends. You shouldn’t feel guilty for doing something like…I don’t know, buying a fun manga or hanging out with friends on a day off.”

Strangely, Koda-san was picking up on all my insecurities. Was she…psychic or something? I put my hand on my hips and probed.

“…Okay, I’ll bite, Koda-san. How…did you know what I was thinking about?”

She lowered her gaze again and brought a sly smile to her face.

“Fine, I’ll tell you…”

The devil pointed at my hand that was neatly tucked away in my pocket.

“You’ve been holding onto that pocket for a while now, likely the one with your wallet in it. Even before I approached you…you seemed a bit distracted, lost maybe.”

She shrugged.

“No…that’s not the right word. You…seemed like you might be feeling guilty with how you were behaving.”

With a nod of her head, she turned back to me.

“And I…am aware that you’re having a hard time in your life right now. I think I felt like how you might be feeling right now. That…you shouldn’t be spending money on yourself like this.”

With a cross of her arms, she concluded.

“You reminded me of…my younger self after I just had Hana, Watanabe-san. Someone who desperately wanted to live her life…but felt like she wasn't deserving of it. In a way…you remind me of me.”

Now I was literally blown away. I hadn’t expected her to even go that deeply into my behavior. It made me wonder…just how observant is she at times?

“Hm? Is everything alright, Watanabe-san? It’s actually the reason why I originally approached you.”

Scratching her cheek, she turned away slightly.

“I’m pretty bad at going right to the heart of things. I tend to…beat around the bush more than I should. I figured I’d approach you with a question about a manga or something.”

The line moved a bit more, but we stood in place. I nodded slowly as I began to feel that overwhelming tiredness again. With a shrug of my shoulders, I decided that being more open might be the best way to relieve my feelings.

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“Sorry…I just woke up a bit on the downside today.”

“Did you chat with Madoka-san about it, Watanabe-san?”

Shaking my head from side to side, I admitted a bit shamefully.

“No, I don’t want to keep bothering her, you know? She has her own life now and a lot of other things to worry about…”

When I turned back to her, I was met with a rather scary look. Koda-san put her hands on her slim hips and pushed her body forwards.

“Hey, you don’t know how much that girl talks about you when you’re not around, do you?!”

My eyes popped open. I was getting some interesting insight into Madoka-chan suddenly, and it piqued my interest.

“W-What do you mean?”

I tried to tone down my excitement as I listened to her intently.

“Madoka-san is always, Mae-chan this, Ma-chan that, it’s…kind of hilarious how often talks about you. Even before her coma, she was just like that when I met her.”

Now her eyes were soft, tender.

“So, if you feel like you’re not worth her time, think again. Madoka-san loves you to death, and she’d do anything in her power to make sure you know that.”

Suddenly, her finger hit my forehead. With a push, I nearly toppled over as she twirled her finger into my skull.

“Geez, don’t even realize how good you have it, dummy. All you have to do is cry to Madoka-san, and she’d pamper you like a baby. It’s…so unfair!”

“Ouuuuch! Wait, Koda-san! That hurts!”

“Next!”

That’s when the man at the front of the manga stalls finally called for me. I was a bit disoriented as I made my way to the front. I wasn’t expecting Koda-san to get so aggressive all of a sudden. When I turned around, I could feel the fire just barely burning from her. She kept it down with a beam, but something told me that she…might have been a little jealous.

“Ah…one special edition…”

I saw the price was nearly 1000yen higher than the original. Unwantedly, my mind started to regret my choice.

If I got the regular version, I’d at least have some money left over. With the remaining bit of money, I can actually do something productive with it. I wouldn’t be selfishly spending my unearned money on something like this-

“We’d like to purchase two of the special edition versions, please?”

That’s when the black-haired raven swooped in and tossed money out on the table in front of me.

“W-What?! You don’t have to do that, Koda-san!”

“Nah, it’s all good. I think you deserve this one, Watanabe-san.”

Now I felt even more useless. I couldn’t even buy myself a dumb book without someone else having to do it for me... With our bags in hand, we walked out of the store.

I…felt as though I wanted to run away, hide from her in embarrassment and overwhelming shame…but all I did was show this crude smile that I’ve grown to hate.

“Hey…”

I turned back to Koda-san who seemed to be pondering something…

“…I don’t think I did the right thing back there, did I Watanabe-san?”

“Huh?”

“You don’t look happy. Maybe I jumped the gun and did something you didn’t like. Sorry, Watanabe-san.”

Koda-san scratched the back of her head as she sighed deeply.

“O-Oh no! It’s not that…I just…”

Now my internal feelings were showing outwardly. Koda-san did something kind for me…and I’m ruining her gift by acting ungrateful…

I’m…really feeling all the more useless now…so, I mustered the best of my feelings and opened up to her…

“Watanabe-san…”

“I-I didn’t mean to look ungrateful! I’m super happy!”

“No, it’s okay. I’m starting to see that we might be a lot more alike than I initially thought.”

Confused, I tilted my head.

“You know, Watanabe-san…I have a very hard time expressing my true feelings. It’s to the point that…Madoka-san has to pull it out of me most of the time.”

She held her hands together in a ball.

“Bear with me…I’m going to try and explain…how I feel when that happens to me…"

She took a deep breath as if calming her mind before she looked back at me.

“When someone asks me to explain my feelings…this ball gets smaller and smaller to the point that my chest begins to hurt. And no matter how much I try to expand it, open up, and show everyone my true feelings…it just stays that way. It’s…hard to make that ball bigger. I…can’t no matter how much I want to…show everyone how I feel.”

This ball analogy was odd but…strangely connected with me. I told myself when others ask, stay happy. That was my ball in her case. And no matter what would happen…that ball wouldn’t expand or grow…it’d get smaller as the smile on my face became less of an emotion and one of a hard, cold exterior that I grew to live with.

I…wasn’t able to show people the true side to my feelings anymore.

“But recently, Watanabe-san…Madoka-san did something to me…and now that small ball won’t fit in my hand. Sometimes it jumps, and I erupt with emotions that I used to be able to hold down.”

She sighed.

“What I’m trying to say is…I think we both could work on expressing how we feel better. I think…if we do that, we wouldn’t find ourselves in a position like this, you know?”

I nodded…but then a smile came to my face. Not a forced one either…a genuine one that I could feel.

“Yeah…Yeah, I understand that, Koda-san.”

“Good. And here I thought I was rambling, and you wouldn’t understand...It’s kind of hard for me to explain…as you can tell.”

“…Koda-san.”

 

I held the manga tight in my hands as I confessed.

“This made me really happy. I…I felt guilty at first, but then…after what you said, I realized that I was letting my own negative feelings cloud my judgment. I'm…actually really happy about this.”

 

With all the bundled-up energy I could muster, I shouted at the top of my lungs.

“I AM SUPER HAPPY YOU BOUGHT THIS FOR ME!”

 

 

Her smile became genuine as she tilted her head.

“Oh, nice. I scored then!”

She turned around and waved me to come with her, to my surprise.

“Come on, I’ll take you home. We can pick up some ice cream on the way too.”

“Wow! Thank you so much, Koda-san! I’ll have to repay you somehow, though!”

I hopped like a bunny around her. With a crafty smirk, she put one finger in the air.

 

“Ohhh, alright! Tell me some juicy childhood stories that are super embarrassing about Madoka-san!”

“Hehe! I can do that! Did she tell you about the first time we met?~”

 

Today I had my first personal chat with the one named Koda Mari-san…

And I realized something…That she seems to have a hard time expressing her true emotions too…but just in a different way than me.

But it seems that she wants to change too. And I guess that’s all because of Madoka-san also.

 

In a way…I want to support her too because of that. So, because she was being so kind to me today, I won’t let that side of me out right now. I’ll do my best to hold it down.

It’s okay…someone just wants to see me smile. It’s alright that you aren’t good enough for this kindness. At least…for today it’s fine.

I just have to believe that.

 

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