Chapter 19: 19 – Heros and Villains

The first simulation featured familiar-looking monsters similar to animals I could've found on Earth. That made it easier for me to adjust to the idea of monsters by lending a sense of familiarity to these otherwise alien creatures. For that reason, it had been a good choice of starting point for me, and I strongly suspected Gilda had set it up that way on purpose.

On the other hand, the new simulation I got from Gilda was all undead monsters. It was like being stuck inside a horror movie. And I was never big on horror, so I didn't enjoy the experience much. However, there were some positive changes. One good thing was that most of the enemies were humanoid and often used weapons. That meant I could loot their weapons and armor for my own use. It also meant that my martial arts combat skills became much more relevant.

I fought monsters ranging from primitive skeleton warriors at the low end all the way up to a Psychic Lich as the final boss. These monsters gave me more to think about than fighting the woodland monsters in the first simulation. Most of them were intelligent. Several of them could even communicate with me, which led to me falling down all sorts of psychological rabbit holes about killing people, even if those people were undead.

Honestly, it was mentally and emotionally exhausting.

But the Psychic Lich was by far the worst. She read my mind and attacked me with hallucinations, tapping into my greatest fears and deepest unresolved emotions. I went to some therapists after my parents died, and fighting the lich felt emotionally draining, like going through intensive therapy, except with a psychotic shrink that wanted to kill me. And she did succeed in killing me. Many times.

One time the lich used illusions of my dead parents to get me to let my guard down. Which I'm sad to say worked like a charm. That was a particularly gruesome death. She had ripped my throat out with her teeth while wearing my mother's face.

It took me some time to get back on my feet after that one.

Another time she used the illusion of Gilda in my arms sobbing for my forgiveness as a way to distract me from a blind-side attack.

That lich had a real mean streak, and her illusions were beyond real. I couldn't resist believing those other people were there with me in the various scenarios she created. Sometimes she's let me spend hours in a delusion, living out some horror or paradise, only to quietly slit my throat once she got bored.

It was ridiculously hard, but eventually, I found a way to win.

I had to discipline my mind as carefully as I trained my body and magic. To beat the lich, I was forced to cut off all my emotions, discarding everything but cold, hard logic, making her destruction my sole focus. Since my only priority was winning, any collateral damage was deemed permissible if it led to defeating the enemy.

Even killing my illusory parents with my own hands was acceptable.

That level of detached coldness wasn't something I ever thought I was capable of. But as it turned out, I was far more capable of callous ruthlessness than I'd ever thought possible.

An unexpected consequence of finally destroying that monster was I had seen a part of myself that was similar to Gilda. If I didn't find fault with myself for making similar choices to win a stupid game, I couldn't simply think of her as a villain who had ruthlessly used me to reach her goals.

Going by my new standards of acceptable behavior, I saw how Gilda did what she felt was necessary to win at something where the stakes were infinitely higher. I understood her better, in some twisted way, and could even envision myself making similar choices if I were in her place.

That old saw my mom loved, "Never judge another man until you have walked a mile in his moccasins." rang in my head.

My ruthless side, a previously unrecognized aspect of my personality, might've even been a part of why Gilda chose me in the first place.

After going through these simulations, I was positive that she had specially cooked up both of them to teach me the lessons she wanted me to learn. There wasn't any way all of this was accidental.

She'd been pulling my strings, even as I thought I was escaping from reality in a game world, allowing me to see what she wanted me to see and setting me on the path she hoped I would walk. But there wasn't any way she could know what I would take from all of this unless she had a firm grasp on who I was and how I would react to any given situation. Which meant I was at a disadvantage from the beginning. She knew me well, but I still didn't really know her.

From my new perspective, I could see she walked a lonely path, risking the alienation of everyone around her. But she didn't shy away from getting her hands dirty.

Some part of me wanted to tell her she didn't have to play the villain, that somebody would've helped her.

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But that was actually wrong. Gilda had been ignored and eventually discarded by her own people, then shot down by me the first time she asked for my help. If she wanted to achieve her goals, her last viable choice was to ignore everybody else and make it happen with her own hands. Anything else would have just been giving up.

Even so, I couldn't forgive her just like that, but I was beginning to see how a cold, hard calculation would lead her to think the ends justifying the means. Victory at all costs, even if that meant destroying both our lives.

After my battle with the Psychic Lich, I was emotionally exhausted. And how I truly felt about the situation was still hard for me to figure out, but I'd never get any answers if I didn't talk to her first.

Picking myself up from lying in the rubble left over from my victory over the lich, I left the simulation. When I opened my eyes, I found myself lying on my bed back in my room and was surprised to find Gilda waiting, silently standing in my doorway. Who knows how long she had been there, but I wasn't going to let her unnerve me, so I sat up to regard her evenly.

"Did you come to any conclusions, Willie?"

"Yeah... But I don't want to talk about it now. I'm bone tired and need some real shuteye... We'll talk later."

"Okay. Rest well..."

She quietly turned and left.

I watched as the door closed behind her.

I could see the underlying fragility of her strength more clearly now.

She wouldn't apologize, no matter what.

She did what she thought she needed to do. But that didn't mean she didn't feel anything about it. It was messy and complicated... and surprisingly human for an alien.

It was true that she was a villain who had robbed me of my freedom while at the same time using me as a guinea pig. But she also might be seen as a hero whose unbreakable will could very well turn the tide in a galaxy-spanning war.

History could be the only adequate judge of big things like that. But history was written by the winners and shaped by what they wanted to believe about themselves. So, to be remembered as a hero, you had to be a winner first.

The big picture was almost too much for somebody like me to grasp fully. I was just a piece on the chessboard while Gilda had made herself a player. However, my role needed to change. If I wanted to control my destiny, I needed to graduate from being a piece to being a player.

I still didn't know enough about anything, but I would learn. Maybe Gilda and I would only end up pitted against one another, or perhaps, with some effort, we could learn to play on the same side.

Only time would tell.

Many similarly complicated thoughts swam through my worn-down head as I lay back down, falling asleep within moments.

I hadn't slept this well in weeks.

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