Chapter 18: 18 – Winning and Losing

I was full of self-loathing to the point of choking.

If I had a shred of dignity left, I should've demanded to have the alien hardware removed from my body and returned to Earth. I could have even pushed Gilda for all memories of my time on this damned spaceship to be erased. Then, I could've resumed my life as if none of this had ever happened. Going through life blissfully ignorant of the bullshit I'd been subjected to.

However, as intensely as part of me wanted to storm out there and make those demands, I couldn't actually bring myself to do it.

I wasn't sure why, though.

I could think of some possible reasons why, but they all pointed to mental weaknesses on my part. It could have been that I was still being manipulated on some subconscious level and wasn't able to break away from that.

It could also have been that I liked my new capabilities and didn't really want to give them up. As pathetic as that was.

There was also the distinct possibility that despite all her insane bullshit, I was still into Gilda. So, I didn't really want to kick her out of my life. I wondered if that made me some kind of masochist.

I could have dressed it up as some kind of heroic self-sacrifice. You know, 'I'll suffer for the sake of the galaxy,' or something like that. But honestly, I didn't know anybody else out there besides Gilda. I'd obviously never even been to another world, or for that matter, seen any demon lords. So, the whole thing was kind of imaginary to me. I didn't really care because it wasn't real to me yet. Maybe, once I saw it all for myself, I could honestly make those types of heroic statements, but right now, it would have been nothing more than me hiding from the truth.

Lying to myself would've only made me feel even more pathetic, so I wouldn't.

Don't get me wrong, I was pissed off at Gilda. Yeah, some part of me felt bad for her situation, but I mostly thought she deserved to be locked up for kidnapping me and using me as a Guinea pig against my will. The fact that what she did might help save lives or that I actually might like the person I had become wasn't all that relevant.

Deep down, I knew it was at least partially my own fault for allowing myself to be manipulated. If I had resisted more, would things have turned out differently?

I wasn't getting any answers thinking over and over about this in my head. In the end, nothing was going to change because I didn't honestly want anything to change. Not really.

Being stuck in the room sucked, but there was really no place else for me to go. I didn't want to run into Gilda, but this ship was too small to avoid seeing her for long if I left my room. So, I stayed put.

The only thing I could think to do while stuck here was to train some more. But I also knew that was most likely what Gilda wanted me to do, so my bitterness kept me from doing it.

Eventually, I decided to go into the simulation to distract myself from my crappy reality.

Treating it like a video game, I used it to blow off steam. I killed some rabbits.

Then killed even more rabbits.

Then, even more rabbits.

Hundreds of rabbits. Entire armies of rabbits.

The little bastards sure could breed.

I tried ever more creative ways to kill them, just to distract myself from the boredom. I did it until I couldn't stand the thought of killing horned rabbits anymore.

And, since I still couldn't handle dealing with the crappy reality waiting for me, I decided to try my luck with a Thunder Head again.

I died on the first attempt, but boredom and frustration kept me trying again and again. Eventually, I could take out a Thunder Head just as efficiently as I could a Horned Rabbit.

Then I could smoothly kill two at a time.

Then I moved on to the next monster.

Days passed inside the simulation. And day after day, I refined my combat and magical skills, both inside the simulation and outside. It was all I did, all I cared about. I wasn't doing it for any meaningful reason. All I wanted to do was win at something, hoping it would make me feel better about myself. Maybe prove to myself that I wasn't such a loser. It didn't even matter if it was real or not. All that mattered was winning.

It went on like this for maybe a week. I hadn't left my quarters and spent most of my time inside the simulation, so my sense of time was probably skewed. It could have been longer or shorter, but in the end, the time didn't really matter to me.

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I didn't care about much.

All that mattered was winning.

Eventually, I'd killed every monster there was in the simulation.

I won.

I wanted somebody to acknowledge my feat, but there wasn't anybody there. Which made me feel even more hollow. It was like that old saying about if a tree falls in the woods and nobody was there to hear it... except I was the unheard tree.

I felt a strong temptation to go brag to Gilda. But I still didn't want to see her, and besides, I couldn't face her after all this time with only a 'check out how cool I am' to say.

There were serious problems between us that couldn't just be swept under the rug. I knew I needed to deal with the issues between us. But I'd never really faced them myself. Instead, I just ran away and lost myself in the simulation, killing stuff endlessly to make myself feel better.

Don't get me wrong, I became much stronger through those virtual combat experiences. So, it wasn't just wasted time. At least this way, I had a good idea of how to handle myself if I needed to fight.

But that wasn't enough to get me out of my funk.

I tried meditation, but the boredom got to me after a little while. I desperately needed something to keep my mind occupied.

I had gotten addicted to fighting after losing myself in the simulation for so long. The thought of studying the information from the computer about otherworldly forms of magic briefly entered my head. But I had got to the point where the process of figuring out my own strategy and using it to win was too satisfying to set aside. The last thing I wanted to do now was to get the wins just because I started using tricks that somebody else had come up with. That felt like cheating to me.

Maybe I'd become really twisted, but I didn't care. All that mattered was winning on my terms.

Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore and left my room to find Gilda. Once I did, I said the only thing I had to say.

"Hey Gilda, I beat everything in that simulation. Do you have any more?"

Humble bragging about beating the simulation made me feel a bit better, and her surprised expression was gratifying.

However, I felt pretty scummy for ignoring how miserable she looked. But I had already decided I was here for the next simulation, and that alone. As soon as I could get back to my room, I would. But she wasn't going to make it easy for me.

"That is amazing, Willie. You went through it so fast. You must have improved your skills quite a bit."

My thoughts were smothered in bitterness. Something like, 'Flattery will get you nowhere, bitch. I ain't falling for that shit twice.'

"Uh huh... so, about another simulation, you got anything else?"

I could see her hurt expression easily, but she didn't try to change the subject.

"Yes. Let me set it up for you... There. You should be able to enter simulation 002 now."

As soon as she said that I immediately turned on my heel and went straight back to my room. I almost accidentally thanked her, just by reflex, but I felt like that was more ground than I was willing to give at that moment.

The feeling of frustration deep in my chest wasn't going away. I needed to get back to winning.

Winning would make me feel better.

I continued to distract myself from my problems in the real world like this for a long while. Each day that passed made it that much harder for me to force myself to face talking to Gilda again.

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