Chapter 46: 46. Chapter

I woke up in the morning at the usual time around six AM. Ahsoka was still asleep next to me and I saw no reason to distract her just yet. I crawled out of bed, and sat down on the carpeted floor. It was time for my morning meditation. It is much easier for me to enter into a meditative state after I have just woken. Because my body is still partially asleep, in other words, very relaxed.

I spent about fifteen minutes trying to silence my mind. Before I managed to enter deep meditation. My senses slowly numbed into a constant background murmuring; the sound of Ahsoka's peaceful breathing also disappeared.

When there were no more sounds to hear, except a low humming, I knew that I had made the connection to this world, to Zyggeria's presence in the living force. I opened my eyes. 

I was sitting on the top of a gloomy mountain. Surrounding me in every direction was a seemingly endless landscape of rocky plains and highlands. The world was cloaked in shallow darkside energies. This was no surprise to me. Understanding the nature of the Zygerrian civilization, which thrived on the suffering of others, this was the only logical outcome. I shivered as I felt the dark energies crawl over the surface of the planet, I sensed the darkness, it's cold touch on the planet's plains as if it was my own skin. The darkness was whispering sweet lies and deceptions into my mind. It never ceased to amuse me how far it was willing to go to try and make me lend it more control, more power. Always, just a little bit more, but it was never enough. 

You would think, that taming the darkside, was a simple matter. You manage to do it once and then you can use it however you like. Unfortunately, you would be disappointed. The darkside was nothing less than a corruption, a plague, if you like. Only there was no complete cure for it, if you had drawn on it just a single time. It will be a constant companion until the moment you exhale your last breath. Morbid, I know, but that was the truth. The only thing that can control it is an iron will, and the knowledge that whatever it offers to you, is a lie. You should never forget, this one absolute truth. You have to be the one who controls it, not the other way around. 

The lightside was not much better in this regard. It offered something, something that was just as enticing to many people. It offered the promise of a meaningful life, and a meaningful death. In my eyes, dying, while being a slave to the will of the light side of the force, is not much better than being enslaved to the darkside.

The jedi even now try to hunt down darkside users just like me, because they are blind to the true nature of the force. They think that there is a light side and a dark side, which are fundamentally different, and they have battled for control since the beginning of the universe. It's a romantic thought, but in reality there is no such distinction. There is only the force. It's nature, the true nature, of the force, is nothing more than an incredibly large scale puppet-play. Where darkside and lightside clashes with each other, again and again and again until the end of everything, and possibly even after that. 

Understanding this, is the first step to realizing the fact that there is no meaning in dying for the seemingly benevolent wishes of the light side of the force. If you succeed in doing so, there will be another darkside user in time, if you fail, there will be another light side practicer to take your place eventually. The reason for my order's creation, its true purpose is to shake off the influence of the force as much as possible. Obviously, it is impossible to completely get rid of its influence, but seeing into the darkside and the lightside at the same time lets you see the complete picture of the events. From then, you can choose to interfere or not, this way creating true freedom of choice for yourself.

Also, seeing a clearer picture of the future than either the Sith or the Jedi could possibly ever achieve, while only utilizing one aspect of the force can come in handy in many situations. This foresight is the greatest weapon of my order, but of course, if you don't meditate often and long enough, it is useless... If you just casually meditate like I used to, then it will show you possibly important things in a chaotic disorder from anywhere around the galaxy, and since you can't exactly meditate all the time, especially if you are a slave like me, there is a high possibility to miss things, things like Ahsoka and the others arriving at my doorstep. This technique is much more powerful, if you expect something to happen and focus on an exact situation or place. That is the time when it truly shines. 

But for now, I only want to relax I will have a long day in front of me.

Back to my original thoughts, you can't have a truly meaningful death defending the light side of the force. However much it baits you with the promise of committing a meaningful sacrifice. Well, at least not in the way it makes you believe, you can still save the galaxy for years, until another Darth appears or something equally dark with a different title or name. It is the best bait for any intelligent race. Because people, first and foremost, are enslaved to their own desires, and their own minds, searching for meaning often in places where there is none. Our brain is made to solve problems, but to solve a problem first of all you must have a problem, you see? If you don't have one, then your mind will create one for you! I can prove this fact easily. Answer to yourself, honestly. When was the last time, that you found yourself not having any problem?

I thought so. Your mind just like mine, is constantly making up problems, if there is nothing serious than it will start to make small problems into big problems only to have something to solve, to work on. It is the same with desire. Where was the last time, you didn't have any desire? Can you even imagine a state of being when you don't have any further desire? Let me help by explaining my own thoughts on this matter.

I for my part, can't imagine such a state, and I am pretty old, not to brag about it, just saying. This is the reason why: every action we take, even the smallest and stupidest one, is driven by desire. When you feel an itch on your back, you reach to scratch it because of the desire to stop the itching. When you solve a problem it is because of the desire to find a solution. When you go to the pub it is because of the desire to speak with other people and likely drink something cold. When you open your eyes at morning it is because of the desire to see. When you take in a breath of air, it is because of the desire to live and not suffocate.

That was the moment when a new yet familiar voice appeared behind me. 

-But there is one such state. It is called death. My dear Nizzal, but you know this too. You fear it's cold embrace, just as your master did. Oh, but he was weak and foolish. I offered him ways to live on, forever, yet he refused, time and time again. Maybe, you will know better? 

I ignored the new addition and continued with my own line of thought. 

Therefore, I can proudly say, that trying to suppress your own desires is not the right way. This is why the jedi never really achieved any meaningful control over the darkside, letting it control them instead. They only treated the symptoms of the sickness which was the dark side itself, and not the source of it. They tried to suppress their desires instead of understanding them. The Jedi Code in many ways teaches you to suppress your own sinful desires as much as possible. They acknowledge those who have crippled themselves so much, to not even feel grief when they saw their own brothers and sisters die next to them. They condemn those who feel it, those who still sense sorrow and pain. Poor misguided people, they are.

The dark presence was now sitting next to me, on the edge of the mountain, looking down towards the slowly awakening city.

You are reading story Star Wars: The Way of the Grey at novel35.com

-Yes, and they were the ones who would dare to judge us, when they didn't even reach up to our knees. Just look at yourself, what do you see? Oh, wait. Hahaha... I kind of forgot, that you are a slave now. Collared as a pet, a toy to every desire of a foolish queen. Tell me what will happen if she gets bored with you? Oh, I can already see, she will give you to one of her slave lords. You will spend the rest of your days as a sex slave, as a simple toy of desire, yourself. At least you may find meaning in quenching the thirst of others, in a certain way.

I still continued to mostly ignore it, but in my mind I felt the need to correct its attempts at creating confusion.

The state, of death, is truly a state of no desire, but imagining death is just as impossible as imagining a state without desire. Therefore, it is practically the same thing. Naturally, any living being that is able to realize the inevitable, will also fear it, exactly because of the unknown factor. You can't familiarize yourself with death, not in a way you can do it with almost anything else. Also, as a living being you can't understand how it would feel to be a rock, which is clearly a non-living being. Neither can a rock imagine how it would feel to be a living being. Because a rock is just a rock, and it doesn't have an imagination. Jokes on you! 

What I want to say, is that if you die you won't really care anymore about anything. The living force inside you will simply disperse, and go back to the force stream that engulfs the whole universe until it materializes in another form, except if you manage to reconstruct your own self after death, to be like Revan... What a fate would that be, we could eternally annoy each other to death, sigh... Can you even die if you are already a force spirit? If not, then isn't that actually worse than death itself? I mean, you can't really do anything and you are even aware of this fact... Can you even touch another force spirit if you are a force spirit too? So many questions...  

The shadowy presence was listening to my thoughts, and the moment I stopped thinking, it immediately interjected. 

-Fascinating story, truly, yet it didn't change the fact that you are afraid of death just the same as anyone else. Poor kid, you were trying so hard to make a logical explanation for yourself. For what end though? You can understand now why you are afraid, but what then? It changes nothing. You already have the necessary knowledge to defeat death itself? If you lend me your power, I will break your chains girl, and you will have nothing to fear ever again. We can be so much more, just lend me your hand, this once! 

I turned away from the horizon.

The sun was already raised above the landscape. I looked to my left and locked eyes with, myself. It was my constant companion, the manifestation of darkness within me. Her form was the same as mine. Those radiant golden eyes, much like the sun, as the queen called them. Ironically, it was the avatar of darkness itself. It had the look of a true Darth. It was hard to not flinch every time I looked at it. Seeing myself as a complete slave to the darkside was always a sickening experience.

It presented this form, as an image of power to me, trying to tempt me. It was unable to understand that I only felt sadness from seeing this "powerful" version of myself. One of the greatest weaknesses of the darkside was its blind arrogance. It couldn't even realize that someone other than a lightside user, couldn't find beauty in its power. I looked at it's frenzied expression, burned by desire, always shifting to mirror my thoughts and emotions, trying to gain control over me.

I did not hate it, just pitied it sometimes. It was part of me. I have long accepted its necessity; it also knew this. I will use its power, and it will try to tempt me in the meantime ever more. It was never a fair game, since it had nothing to lose. Not like me, I could lose everything from a momentary weakness, a simple slip-up. It's kind of a shitty thing to know and understand the fact that with a single mistake you can turn into a completely fucked up version of yourself. Luckily it was only this annoying when I was on planets that were rich with the darkside. Otherwise, it was more like a periodically whispering voice, and not a completely manifested personality. Then again, I have the perfect weapon against it. I don't even have to lift a finger... 

-Why are you hesitating, if you let me, I will free you from that collar in a second. There is nothing that can withstand the full force of the darkside! 

Another voice appeared suddenly, it was a warm and calm voice, the complete opposite of the darkside manifestation I felt the coldness weaken and disperse around me to a degree. 

- Ah, give her a break already, sis...

I turned around to see another version of myself joining the party. It was the lightside manifestation.

Oh, boy, it's about to get wild here...

 

 

You can find story with these keywords: Star Wars: The Way of the Grey, Read Star Wars: The Way of the Grey, Star Wars: The Way of the Grey novel, Star Wars: The Way of the Grey book, Star Wars: The Way of the Grey story, Star Wars: The Way of the Grey full, Star Wars: The Way of the Grey Latest Chapter