Chapter 69: 70. Chapter

Life and love,

Two different words, two different meanings, yet both entirely dependent on one another to their very roots. Even the form of the words, in this particular tongue are very similar in their nature. This might not be the case in most languages, but I felt it necessary to point out the obvious similarity appearing here. 

At a time in the midst of my boldness, I have thought to step into the long line of souls, who have, with such certainty, been driven by arrogance, curiosity or other type of human emotion. They evidently joined to the line of people, who have stated that they figured the reasons, and goals of life, thought that they deciphered the workings of the burning all-consuming flame that we call love. 

Now, with a few more years behind my back, I think I was lucky to miss that chance.

As everything eventually breaks down around us with tides of unstoppable waves. At those times we will find it hard to search for a reason to stand up, as we are surrounded by our own loneliness and darkness. At those times we have to remind ourselves to the reasons to push through, ever forward. Another step on the road, another step forward, one more footprint left behind, eventually all forgotten.

 Was there a reason in the first place to begin this life?

And if there was, was it truly love?

Or was it just a misunderstood desire to share that solitude one carries in their chest?

But if that is the cause, isn't love something necessarily born from the eternal loneliness of oneself? A hole that we try, and try to fill with something, anything to find a momentary relief from... from our own mind... 

A little door in a dark corner of the soul, one so obvious, but almost always forgotten. 

A door that we fear. 

There will be a time when most of us, will have to open this door. 

And we will have to give account of our sins.

But then...

We will be forgiven.

Even if that is true... I wonder, will we ever forgive ourselves?

...

In the end of all things, life is an opportunity, and love? It is the result of that opportunity.

Saying anything more is unnecessary, it would be the workings of a narcissistic ego, trying to reconstruct the machinations from a singular perspective, that is poisoned by one's personality and sense of self. Each being is different, each life is different, just as every love. There are similarities, but who is to tell, what will happen the same, and what will differ? 

The force however powerful it might be, cannot answer every question. And so, we struggle onwards, bearing many wounds and grudges. Both visible and hidden from the eyes.

 

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A pair of haunted eyes shot open in the dimly lighted room. The eyes belonged to a young man, they belonged to Anakin Skywalker. His face was covered in perspiration, his chest was raising and falling quickly, it was the result of the nightmare he just experienced. No, no... he didn't believe it to be a nightmare, oh no... it was too similar to those... he saw, the ones of his mother... Suddenly his throat felt painfully dry... He needed to drink some water, yes that should help.

On that decision he immediately sat up on the bed and was just about to stand up with the same momentum to pour some water. When he pushed his leg off the bed however, he heard a feminine groan coming from the other side of the bed. 

For a moment he felt incredibly confused... It might be the reason of his nightmare, his tiredness, or the unfamiliar room, maybe the completely ridiculous things that he experienced in the last few days, probably all of them played a factor, but he suddenly couldn't figure out what was his dream or what wasn't. Is he still on Coruscant with Padmé?

He looked around the place once more... Hmmm, that is unlikely... than who is that... 

His question was silently answered by the orange skinned girl turning over the bed. It was Ahsoka... seeing her prompted his memories, and they began to flow back. He remembered that they spoke of their visions with one another, sharing those awkward thoughts, and ominous details in those force premonitions... No, they weren't really force premonitions... they were more than that, illusions maybe? He was the one supposed to be the master, but he found himself just as confused by those as Ahsoka was. 

There was simply nothing he could say with certainty, and in the end, after they both eat the food they ordered from the droids, Ahsoka has fallen asleep accidentally. The bed was of a generous size, more than enough for two people and he didn't have the heart to wake her up, just to tell her to go and sleep in her own room... 

No... he frowned as something felt wrong with that statement... It wasn't entirely true... He simply didn't want to, didn't dared to remain alone in this cursed room in the middle of the night. The memories of that dark thing... were too fresh in his mind, the red blade... his red blade... The eery familiarity in the way he held his blade... The message was clear... it was too clear to miss it, but he tried to miss the signs with all of his mind and heart, even so he could not.

He wasn't, still isn't willing to believe that that, thing was himself... yet there were too many signs to miss, to explain and eventually calm his mind, to sway himself into a warm delusion. It didn't work this time; the wound was ripped open too deeply.

The cold words echoed in his mind, while he looked at the peacefully sleeping face of Ahsoka, as if a terrible confirmation of his own thoughts and suspicions. 

"You know, who I am."

Yes... he knew. In that moment, he felt that he truly knew it. He reached out, and grabbed onto the nearby table to support himself, as a wave of faintness came over him. The room seemed to slowly move around him, in a slow chaotic dance. He heard terrified screams, faraway shouts and painful curses fill his ears and mind. Screams belonging to men, women, and children, all filled with terror asking him for mercy, some pleading for a quick death. All morphing into a terrifying cacophony of voices. 

Then... silence? 

He felt a strong resonation, as if the very air vibrated around him, his mind began working in overdrive... He recognized this sensation, he learned about it in the temple... it felt just like a shatter point. Then those screams were...

-Did I truly... cause those?

The strength in his legs seemed to leave him as he collapsed onto the nearby chair. 

-And if I did... What would happen now? Has it changed?

His dream, Padmé... She was in danger; he could feel it... He needs to go back. 

-What you do now, remains to be seen, favored child of the force.

A familiar voice, still holding onto a modicum of childishness spoke up in the dim room. The voice was filled with a deep calmness, yet it sounded lively, almost innocent at the same time. His eyes looked up as goosebumps appeared all over his skin, seeing the not simply strange but abnormal whirlpool like gray eyes of the twi'lek child he first met a few years ago in the practice hall of the temple. She was always weird, but now, as he saw those eyes... he finally realized how different this being truly was. 

-The future has been changed, but is it truly for the better? That I cannot say... There is no such thing, as seeing the future. The past, the present and the future... They are nothing more than mere opportunities. To do good, or to do evil, or maybe to do neither.

As she spoke, she had an easy-going smile on her face, as if all that she spoke didn't matter in the least. 

As I thought of those words, I saw her face lean to the side playfully as she searched my eyes with those haunting new eyes of hers. She smiled sweetly at last and spoke.

-Because it does not, dummy. 

She smiled brightly in my direction. And... wait? Did I speak those thoughts out loud?

-Life, death. The cycle continues. 

She watched my confused expression and smirked a little. Then she lifted both her hands slightly as she was sitting on the floor with crossed legs in a standard meditative position. She lifted her hands opened her palms and crossed them in front of her forming a pair of bird like wings. Then she moved her palms reminiscent of the wing-strokes of a butterfly. 

-When you look at life, you see a line. That begins with the birth of you and ends with your death. It is only true from your point of view, yet it falls flat from mine. From the memories left in my care, I can see farther. As I see it, life is like a butterfly. Every beat of the wings pushes it forward, every beat lifts it higher drives it towards a new goal, a goal that might change in the very next second. In my eyes, every beat represents the life of a new generation, which always builds upon the shoulders of the ones they follow. It is a beautiful yet chaotic dance, isn't it? 

She smiled at me warmly, and I nodded seeing the truth in her words.

-Yet now I have remembered that there must be another, even bigger perspective, and one that is even bigger than that... and again. 

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I gulped and nodded once more. She smiled and a glass of water floated in front of me out of nowhere. 

-Sate your thirst. There is happiness to be found in such small things. 

I accepted the offer and drunk some of the water after I picked out the glass from the air. It was held by the force.

-Now then. Do you understand that what you do doesn't truly matter? 

Asked the twi'lek with a playful yet confident smile. 

I thought about that for a while, then answered with a bit of annoyance. 

-I see, what you mean... However, I think it still very much matters to me. 

Her face lighted up with a warmth, and she nodded happily. Her behavior reminded me of Grandmaster Yoda a little... I listened to what she had to say, as I saw her take in a deep breath likely preparing for another round of banter. 

-Yes, exactly. It matters to you, but what matters to you is an entirely different question, my friend. Greed is a vile poison, one that has consumed so many over the history of races. You have to choose what you hold dear and stand by it, however you cannot have everything, or it will consume you just the same.

-I have to choose between what? 

-In your case, there are only two worthy options. 

Anakin turned silent as he stared at a random spot on the floor. Then after a few minutes of silence he asked.

-Who are you, really. I mean this whole place? It's different, almost unbelievable.

This time, it was Nizzal's turn to become silent, but eventually she also chose to speak. 

-To answer your question, I will have to state who I was, once. But it is a story I cannot dare to share, not in detail. 

She grinned innocently at her own words as she added.

-It would take a few lifetimes, to tell by normal means, and I knew that you were at least partly familiar with my story already. 

Anakin's eyebrows were raised up in surprise. His expression clearly suggested that he wasn't thinking so, yet wasn't willing to raise a voiced objection either. 

-Do you know the tale, of Darth Revan? 

This question took Anakin by surprise, as he indeed knew the still very famous story especially among the jedi younglings. He was also an apprentice when he first heard the mysterious and grand story of the betrayer. 

-I do know it, yes. 

-He is the creator of what we call The Grey Order today. He was the first grandmaster, and today I have managed to rise to the rank of the next Grandmaster of our order. Also, in a sense, Darth Revan was one of my masters to help me succeed in this quest. 

Anakin's eyes widened as he looked at the small twi'lek sitting not far from him. There was without a doubt something strange around her beyond those new set of eyes, was that the reason for such a change, but it felt too deep, too sudden. And what is this nonsense that he was trained by Darth Revan, that man should have been dead long ago... No, he is definitely dead, right? But wait, she stated not long ago, that she is over four thousand years old... could that be really true... There are races that live that long in the universe, but to stretch out one's life to such a length even through the help of the force... isn't this basically immortality? 

Nizzal watched the wide variety of expressions appear on the face of Anakin, there was disbelief, suspicion, surprise, shock and disbelief once more. She couldn't stand it any longer and laughed at his stupid expressions. 

-Haha... no, don't misunderstood it... by no means am I immortal, I would not wish such punishment on my worst enemies. Immortality is meaningless, if you cannot share it with others, and even then... It will eventually rot you from the inside. We are not meant to be immortals Anakin; such a burden would prove too much to bear for our small shoulders. I am afraid, I cannot share my entire story with you, but you may freely look into the public library in the city. You will find more than enough, to understand our positions on this matter. Even so most of what the jedi order told you, about Darth Revan is true, but reading a few scripts will show you, that the story is much more colorful than you were led to believe. 

She stayed silent for a few short seconds, the light of the warming up mechanical sun began to shine through the windows into the room bringing comfort and warmth. 

-Today, both my Jedi training and Sith training came to an end. I finished my exams, and I was accepted as the new Grandmaster. Things will change now; the time is ripe to reveal our presence to the world. The Order of the Grey shall rise from the shadows of darkness. If for nothing else, but to provide an alternative, a new way for those who seek the truth among lies, a risky, but necessary decision. 

Anakin felt clearly conflicted by this sudden turn of events. Therefore, he asked. 

-I don't understand, you guys spent so much effort in hiding, why would you throw that away so easily. 

-I am happy that you asked that. 

The gray skinned girl's expression turned serious as she answered. 

-It is to offer, a helping hand to those who have been swept aside by the strict orders of the jedi, and the all-consuming selfishness of the sith. In other words, for those who wish to live their lives in relative peace and are willing to do for it, not just expecting for others to create it for them, because such behavior leads to nothing more than voluntary slavery and the illusion of freedom. We will be there for those, who have stood in the face of danger, for those who have suffered the whip of fate, like I did.

-This is what I declare as the new era of the Grey Order. This is my wish, as the grandmaster who has received the name of Darth Waif.

A comfortable silence filled the room, in the wake of those words. The air was calm, and peaceful. 

Nizzal turned towards the bed and said with finality. 

-Also, you can stop playing dead now. 

-Ugh... busted... 

Came a meek voice girlish voice from that direction as Ahsoka sat up on the bed, awkwardly scratching her lekku. 

Anakin was looking at his padawan with a shocked expression, as if he completely forgot the fact that she was ever in the room. Which was exactly the case. 

-... 

He felt speechless in the sudden awkward situation. 

Ahsoka scratched her lekku once more with an awkward smile as she finally stated.

-You should really practice this "secret" night heart to heart speeches, I mean it's not like I want to eavesdrop... it's your fault to be that obvious... I... I mean...

-Ahsoka...

She rolled her eyes and added. 

-Okay... sorry... it won't happen again master...

Anakin seemed surprised by that reaction, but he eventually added with a thoughtful expression. 

-No... I wanted to say that... you are right.

Ahsoka blinked with wonder in her eyes, as she searched the face of his master. Then with an explicitly rude yet also innocent gesture she asked with uncalled seriousness. 

-Am I still dreaming? 

The question elicited a good-natured smirk from Nizzal, and a pair of raised brows from Anakin. 

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