Chapter 17: [Chapter seventeen] If you were free

My crippling social anxiety aside, the fest of the lead-up to the caravan's departure goes by pretty smoothly. The carts and carriages are safely loaded where they're supposed to be loaded, all the passengers are accounted for, and nobody so much as utters a word to me or Yahanaseara the entire while.

Now I am fairly sure that that last part is only because Nils is wary of me leaving them to make their trip without any adventurer backing, but it's not like it matters either way.  Nope.

Instead of concerning myself with any of that stuff, I just sit back and torture myself with memories of my various recent social faux-pas.

This continues on well into the caravan's departure, and it isn't until the town is well out of sight that my thoughts finally drift into something less torturous.

Namely, watching Yahanaseara watching the scenery.

She directs her gaze forwards, which would be to the right of the cart considering the way our seating is set up... back at the rest of the caravan that's trailing closely behind us, peeking ahead at the direction we're headed to... up at the cloudless skies, completely devoid of any obstructions into the endless blue save the ever-present Great Ring...

...and finally she kneels on her cushioned seat and leans against the crates that form our makeshift backrests so she can see what's going on behind me.

"Having fun?" I ask, unable to help myself.

"Eh-" Yahanaseara freezes in place. "I- I apologize if I am bothering you-"

"Nah, it's fine," I shake my head. "Not like there's anything better to do, anyways."

"Eheh..."

Her lips curve into a melancholy smile.

"...it has been so long since I last saw the outside world like this."

"Oh."

And now I feel like an ass.

"Last night we were so high up, and it was also so dark outside... but now, being close to the ground and with the sun high in the sky..."

She heaves a long sigh.

"...it truly drives home the fact that I am free of that wretched prison."

"Yup, free to do whatever you want. To go wherever you want," I say, leaning against the crate-backrest and looking up into the sky. "It's a nice feeling."

"It definitely is."

This freedom is why I left home in the first place. As much as I love doing magic research with my old man in his study and not seeing the light of the sun for days on end, there's really something to be said about being out here in the wide open world.

Not as the assistant of the world's foremost expert on Script.

Not as my mother's disappointing successor.

Just as me.

"Brigitte."

"Mm?"

"What would you be doing right now if you were free?"

"I am free, though?"

Free to close my eyes like this and bask in the warm rays of the sun.

"Free of me, I mean."

"Eh-"

My eyes snap open.

"H- hey, you're not-"

"I did not mean it in a self-deprecating way," Yahanaseara says, still with that beautiful sad smile on her face, "just... I am curious about what path you would have taken were it not for my presence."

That's, uh... a question.

Huh.

Come to think of it, nobody's ever really asked me about myself.

My family never needed to because they know me, the people I was forced to interact with during certain social obligations never said anything more than the most superficial platitudes, and the few guys out there who were brave enough to try hitting on me...

...ugh.

That's enough thinking about that.

"I dunno," I say, returning to Yahanaseara's question. "I was researching ruins when I found you, so probably more of that?"

All I can really do is shrug.

"What led you to pursue such a subject to begin with?" the Elemental Spirit asks. "Your father's influence?"

"Nah," I shake my head. "It's probably because he isn't interested in this stuff that I took it up at all."

"Oh?"

Out the corner of my eyes, I see her eyebrows raising.

"Yeah..." I sigh. "He might insist that he's only the second-best magical researcher out there, but not even Uncle Niklaus can hold a candle to him when it comes to Script."

"I see."

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"And I mean... he's the best guy in the entire world," I say, unable to keep from smiling a little, "but I kinda want to see if I can find my own thing, I guess?"

"To escape his shadow?"

"Not so much that..." I shrug. "I just wanna see if there's something out there that really draws me in."

A long sigh escapes my lungs.

"Thanks to my old man, I've got at least some familiarity with just about every field of magical research there is... and all of it just kinda feels the same to me. Uniformly alright."

"Aaah, now I understand," Yahanaseara says with a knowing smile. "What you long for is the spark of interest. That irresistible pull on your very soul, filling you with the desire to know all there is about a specific subject."

...

......

".........huh."

I sit up and turn to her.

"That's... exactly it," I say to her.

And here I was worried that nothing I was saying made any sense.

Because that happens a lot.

"And since nothing I'm familiar with has that, uh... 'spark' for me..."

I don't fail to notice her eyes lighting up when I repeat her terminology.

"...I figured that I might find it in something that I'm not familiar with."

"But you said that you are familiar with all fields of magical research..."

Once again, I am treated to that adorable head tilt.

"...so that would mean that you are abandoning it outright?" she asks.

"Not at all," I shake my head. "You see, there's a lot of lost knowledge out there..."

"Ah!"

Little sparks fly out as she claps her hands together.

I have no idea if that was intentional on her part.

"And that is why you are seeking relics of the past- you believe that they may contain this lost knowledge!"

"Exactly."

In bygone eras, there existed certain genius wizards who were capable of wonders that modern-day mages can't even understand the underlying mechanics of, much less replicate.

The arcane techniques used by witches to bind Demons are nothing more than the fragmented remnants of half-remembered teachings of people who have long since left this mortal coil.

Entire classes of diseases were eradicated outright, to the point where certain transmission vectors are only still known of nowadays because of mentions in surviving historical records.

God knows what even the smallest page of research notes from those who achieved these wonders would-

"!!!!"

At pat to the shoulder damn near makes me jump out of my crate-seat.

Fortunately, I don't actually do so.

"Sorry, I got lost in thought again," I mumble.

"There is nothing to apologize for," Yahanaseara replies with a beaming smile. "Your hushed mutterings are endearing."

dammit dammit dammit dammit why

"Anyways," I clear my throat in a pathetic attempt to shoo away my ever-present embarrassment, "that's my deal."

"Thank you for the explanation," she nods. "It is nice to know more about you."

"...what about you?"

"Eh? Me?"

She points at herself.

"Yeah, you," I repeat myself. "You know more about me, but I still don't really know anything about you aside from the fact that you're frustratingly adorable."

"........."

What.

Why's she staring at me like th-

god damn it I said that last bit out loud didn't I