Chapter 40: 39

39.

As the summer season ripened, her belly gradually got bigger and fuller. Slowly, her body also changed. As this was her first child, there was always a fine tightening within her swollen chest, but she felt the pressure gradually started getting worse.

Ercella took a deep breath and exhaled. However, when her stuffiness didn’t disappear, she became irritated and frowned.

“It’s time to eat, Young Madam.”

Ercella nodded, telling the servant that she knew. Ercella went down to the dining hall and sat in her seat. But she couldn’t find it in her to lift the cutlery. It was strange. She was clearly hungry, but she felt disgust creeping up and retched on the spot as soon as she saw the food in front of her.

Although it occasionally happened, it was so bad today that she felt embarrassed by her rudeness and rushed out of her seat. Nevertheless, when nausea did not disappear, Ercella sat down on a chair.

Harsen, who followed after her, patted Ercella on the back and asked her if she was okay, but she couldn’t answer. After that day, meals were served separately to her room. The servants explained that it was the consideration of the Duke. Feeling comfortable with it, Ercella was relieved and accepted the offer.

Then one night, she suddenly got scared and anxious. She kept on fretting. Even though she was an adult, she didn’t forget that she was still young and a vague fear of whether she could be a good mother rose within Ercella.

That night, she cried out of distress. As her sobs gradually increased, Harsen woke up. He asked her what happened, but Ercella could only cry. Instead of pressing for answers, he only comforted her.

As the days went by, her insides felt worse and she got more nauseous. The doctor attributed it to her fragile heart and encouraged Ercella to relax and take light walks. Ercella followed his advice, yet, her nerves got more and more sensitive. She was often frustrated with Harsen but then got embarrassed and apologized. He didn’t mind, but Ercella still felt guilty.

“You’re getting thinner. You should eat something.”

“I have no appetite.”

Harsen sighed as Ercella curled up under the blanket, pointing to the baby in her belly while refusing. She wanted to eat whatever he suggested, but she really couldn’t eat anything. Her stomach churned just looking at her favorite food.

Whenever Ercella told Harsen or her servants what she wanted to eat, they’d deliver the food right away, but she couldn’t have much of it.

“You heard the doctor. He said you should try to eat more…”

“Hmm.”

Knowing that his words went in one ear and out the other, Harsen gave up and didn’t remind her anymore. Suddenly, Ercella wondered if she was making too much of a fuss.

Other women go through this too, but I feel like I’m the only one having a hard time and bothering everyone around me. At this rate, she got worried that people might turn their backs on her. Ercella never had to worry about things like this. Everyone liked her. Why am I suddenly acting like this?

In her anxiety, Ercella clung to Harsen’s arms. She increased the frequency of her walks. It didn’t have much effect, but it helped calm her mind somewhat. Nevertheless, her mood swings became worse, her nerves were on edge, and she wasn’t excited to see Harsen anymore.

She kept feeling sorry for him, but couldn’t shake the feeling of being alone even when he was by her side. Harsen was frustrated in his own way because he didn’t know what the problem was. When asked why, she would only say, “I don’t know.”

Ercella truly didn’t know. Why am I being like this? Her mood fluctuated often, and she became short-tempered. Harsen was worried, so he called in a doctor to see her every chance he got.

“You should relax a little.”

The doctor said that some women do feel like this and that Ercella should correct her mindset while thinking only about her child. When she showed signs of depression, the doctor urged her to only think about good things because depression wasn’t good for the baby.

Ercella recalled only good things like he advised: talking all night with her sister when they were younger, dancing in the ballroom with her brother and the Marquis, hanging out with her friends, thinking about her loving parents.

When she thought about those memories piece by piece, a smile rose to her lips, but Ercella also felt sad because she missed her family dearly. Ercella began writing to them.

The Marquess got worried when she received the letter, and soon visited the duchy. Although it was a sudden visit, the Duke politely brought the Marquess in, perhaps because he could not disrespect her by sending her back.

Ercella burst into tears at the sight of her mother, who she hadn’t seen in a long time, and sobbed in her arms. The Marquess reassured her that this would soon pass. Ercella asked the Marquess earnestly if she could come to Bernhardt every day, but her mother looked slightly troubled, “Your father… he has collapsed.”

She added: “It’s been two days since then and he’s still bedridden.”

Ercella trembled and carried her heavy body to visit her father immediately. After hearing that the Marquis had collapsed, the Duke allowed Ercella to leave. She was miserable when she saw her father lying prone and groaning in pain.

“He has a few months at the most,” the doctor said.

That’s when her father’s impending death really struck her. He really did not have much time left. Tears of grief welled up in Ercella’s eyes.

Ercella begged her mother to let her stay at the marquisate until her father’s passing, but the Marquess sent her back with a bitter smile.

* * *

Time trickled on and Ercella was used to her heavy body by now. She suddenly woke up from her slumber and Harsen wasn’t there. Anxiety rushed in; she left their room and frantically searched for him. Her steps got faster as she wandered the dark hallway in tears.

Then, suddenly, someone carefully grabbed her shoulder from behind. When she confirmed his identity, Ercella immediately approached Harsen and hugged him, “Where did you go?”

“Out for a minute to get some fresh air.”

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Ercella glanced up at him. Harsen was looking at her with a rather complicated look. Suddenly, a faint stream of light emanating from behind him caught her eye. It was leaking through the cracks of a door. Anxiety rose to her spine when she realized that it was the Duke’s office.

She rubbed her face in Harsen’s arms, trying to erase her unknown fears. He patted her back, “I’m sorry. I’ll be right back.”

His voice was a bit hoarse, which was uncharacteristic of him. Her body slowly began to stiffen.

“Wh-what do you mean?”

Harsen couldn’t respond readily and stayed put for a while. When Ercella urged him, he finally answered.

There was a war in Linus, south of Lenart. Harsen was informed that he will partake in the war. Ercella did not stop him. No— more like she could not stop him even if she wanted to. Harsen was the heir to a family of soldiers and a knight of this country. In the event of a war, it was only natural for him to go.

He will succeed the family in the future, so Harsen had to raise his position to match Bernhardt’s status. There was no other way to do that other than through merit. The Bernhardt pride would not allow Harsen to hold a key position with his family’s influence alone.

Ercella understood. She knew that even before she married him. A small-scale war was still going on. It wasn’t unexpected that Harsen would be deployed someday. Despite all that, she chose Harsen. So it would be contradictory to feel ‘regret’. At the time, Ercella was unaware: there was a world of difference between what she believed she would feel and what she experienced in person.

Months had passed since Harsen left.

“I gained weight.”

“No, you’re still slim.”

When Ercella grumbled while standing in front of the mirror, Marien comforted her. Despite Marien’s words, Ercella did not like her reflection in the mirror. At some point, her weak appetite got better and her body began to gain a little weight. The doctor was pleased and proclaimed that it was better than being scrawny, but Ercella could hardly agree.

“I look ugly.”

“You’re beautiful.”

Ercella found her changed appearance unfamiliar. People around her reassured Ercella that it was okay to gain more weight but Ercella didn’t want to.

“You’ll be back to your old self after you give birth, so don’t worry about it.”

Ercella nodded in understanding. However, she could not ignore something once she took notice of it. Above all, she was worried about Harsen who was still on the battlefield.

“What if he doesn’t like me?”

She was worried that he might not like her now that she was fat and ugly. In their early days, Ercella felt like Harsen liked her quite a bit. But she couldn’t tell if it was simply due to her appearance or for another reason. What if it’s the former? Her beauty had faded so would she be of worth to him?

‘Would he… embrace me?’

Her heart sank as if it were tied to a rock.

‘He’s a rotten bastard on the battlefield. Did you think he’s never played with a common whore there?’

Like Casaro said, maybe he is holding another woman there. Ercella burst into tears when she imagined that.

Maybe he isn’t. But even as she tried to think rationally, the words kept running through her mind. Even though it was a political marriage, the thought of her husband holding another woman made Ercella’s eyes well up with hot tears.

She was depressed again and decided to take a walk around the back garden. It was no good if she kept thinking bad thoughts and negatively influenced the child.

Ercella prayed Harsen would return as soon as possible. And, as she had wished, he returned within a few months of his expedition.

It was raining hard that day.

The Duke had died.

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The whole thing was surreal. To think that seemingly invincible man had been ailing for a while and had died. Turns out his wound was deeper than she had thought previously. Usually, when the father-in-law died, the family would hold a funeral and have a period of mourning, but the current situation was special.

The death of Duke Berhardt, who was the family head while his successor was on the battlefield, was quite dangerous. Unsurprisingly, after hearing the news, Count Pasen, Harsen’s uncle, came to the manor for a visit.

“That child, Harsen, he’s only nineteen. It’s too early for him to assume the position as family head.”

The count insisted on acting as the proxy head until Harsen matured, claiming that Harsen was too young to succeed to the title. Though too young to head the family, Harsen was still an adult. Although the count’s argument was somewhat absurd, there was one reason why he could not be deterred.

Harsen was not here.

The Duke’s loyal vassals stopped the count by making Ercella the proxy head. Had it not been an emergency, they would never have accepted her as a member of the family, but they had no better alternative than Ercella.

“Oh dear, you’re still young. Besides, you’re pregnant. The Duchess’s work is just too much for you in this situation. All you have to do is agree to it since you’re the proxy now-”

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“Count.”

The count’s face contorted instantly when she deliberately called him by his formal title to draw a line, but Ercella didn’t care. Under normal circumstances, she would’ve deliberated on how to deal with the count, but right now she was exhausted and a nervous wreck, so she couldn’t afford to even look into the count’s eyes.

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“If you want to be officially recognized as the proxy head, get my husband’s approval after he returns. It’s no use trying to convince me.”

“You foolish thing! Think about whose hands you must hold! Do you think a man who was driven to the battlefield by the King’s order will survive?!”

“…King’s order..?”

Ercella’s pupils shook noticeably at the news. He didn’t go voluntarily but upon the King’s order. When Ercella showed signs of agitation, Count Pasen sneered cynically, “Did you he would go unharmed after refusing the proposal of the King’s beloved princess? Your family could’ve avoided any serious retaliation, but in the end, this is how you will die. That child’s decision to choose you was foolish!”

Ercella looked at Wendelman Contar standing behind the count. He nodded quietly, confirming that it was true. So all of this was the King’s will.

Harsen was a knight of the King, so he had no justification to reject a royal command. Ercella felt dejected that she did not know something that the uncle who had never visited them and even one of the vassals knew. Her head was throbbing, and her stomach began aching. Now that Ercella caught the bait, the count clicked his tongue and looked at her pitifully, “See? It’s hard for you, too. Just hand over the position to me and-”

“Harsen will return.”

“That child will die. How long are you going to last? You can’t even hold your father-in-law’s funeral!”

Harsen wasn’t there so naturally the Duke’s funeral would be postponed. Ercella faced the count who gave her a venomous glare. The count spat out every word, “That child is still young.”

“He’s an adult. If I’m incapable of managing the family, then I can receive assistance from my parents, so don’t worry.”

“Will people be happy about Visaride’s influence over Bernhardt?”

“That’s…”

Certainly, the Bernhardts would vehemently refuse the Visarides’ help since the Bernhardts insisted on their political neutrality. They had never cast aside their suspicions of Lianne and Beth being Visaride spies.

There was no knowing what repercussions may arise from the Visarides’ reckless intervention in other families’ affairs; there was no choice but to watch over the situation. Once her father was ill, the situation had gotten beyond Caron.

Ercella resented her situation. The count even brought soldiers to the capital and surrounded the mansion. Thanks to this, the count and duchy’s knights were having a serious confrontation.

He said it was the King’s order.

It was indeed strange that things in the duchy had gotten this bad, but the Royal family did not intervene. The King never intended to help the knight who fell from his grace.

Ercella was worried whether Harsen would return safely. A messenger from him was yet to arrive. Count Pasen left the room telling her to think carefully about it. As soon as the tension eased, his son, Jerome Pasen, came by.

“You must be the Visaride.”

Ercella’s brows furrowed at his disrespectful words and actions. He smirked regardless.

“Did you say his name was Harsen? He’s such an esteemed person that I never got to see his face. My father said that even he had only seen Harsen once or twice. But my father told me there’s nothing special about him. I heard he’s spoiled, rude, and arrogant.”

“Your point?”

“Aren’t I better than him?”

Ercella read the insidious lust on the man’s face. He grinned, displaying it without filtration as if he never meant to hide it.

“What if he dies? You’ll end up as a widow with a child. Even if your family retrieves you, you will remain labeled. A woman who chose the wrong man and ruined her own life.”

“…….”

“At any rate, you’ll roll in the mud, so why not stick to me?”

Ercella looked at Baron Wendelman Contar. He just stood there bearing no intentions of getting involved in this.

Both Count Pasen and Jerome Pasen were of Bernhardt descent anyway. She found it all futile. Here, Ercella was still a stranger.

“Why aren’t you saying anything?”

“Not worth the hassle,” Ercella replied.

“What?”

“You are just so arrogant and rude. It’s funny that you’d dare be so greedy as to covet me.”

“You dare, wench-”

“Someone who can’t even voice their complaints to my husband or my brother dares to act this way towards me.”

She was seemingly addressing Jerome but understanding the meaning behind her words, Wendelman sent the infuriated Jerome out. The baron bowed his head as if apologizing for just sitting on the fence. However, Ercella was not relieved.

Ercella realized that she was exhausted. Her belly grew day by day and so did her worries. As she was, she could not delay Duke’s funeral indefinitely.

However, to avoid future gossip, it was necessary for Harsen, the successor, to hold the funeral himself. If Harsen dies, or if the family is taken over by the Count, what will happen to me? Her eyes darkened.

“He will come,” She said to herself in a gloomy mood. Time went by and it became difficult to ignore the count’s demands.

“Why don’t we hold the funeral now? I think my brother is already rotting away in his coffin.”

Even the vassals who previously were strongly opposed to Count Pasen expressed their discomfiture. They all looked at Ercella.

Ercella bit her inner lip. It was getting harder and harder to hold on. The count smiled amusedly, noticing her pale complexion.

The creepy, screeching sound of old hinges rang through the stillness. The door opened and the sound of heavy footsteps made everyone around her gasp in unison.

“It’s been a while, Uncle.”

The air froze at the sound of his low voice. An apathetic pair of eyes turned to Count Pasen. The count, who demanded to be the family’s proxy, shut his mouth as if it never happened when the true heir returned. The count’s countenance was stained with dismay.

“… Harsen.”

But the count could not remain silent for long when he saw the figure dragged by Harsen. It was Jerome Pasen.

No… To be exact, it was the cold, lifeless body of Jerome Pasen. Harsen dragged it like an inanimate object and threw it in front of the count. As the body fell with a thud, the count looked at his son in horror.

“I think you enjoyed yourself too much in my absence.”

“…….”

“Kindly leave.” Harsen’s voice was the dullest she’s ever heard. There was nothing in it. No anger, no hatred, no betrayal— he just spoke casually.

The count eventually lost his temper.

“Harsen, this child is your flesh and blood. Even if you’re not close… Why! Why!”

“Ah.” Harsen let out a dry exclamation like someone who just had an epiphany. “Are you saying this beast or bastard, whom I’ve never met before, was my flesh and blood?”

“…….”

“I only view people like him as filthy swine, greedy for others’ possessions.”

“Harsen!”

The count trembled and clenched his teeth. The veins on the whites of his eyes showed how angry he was.

“My eyes must be deceiving me then. A child of a human is a human being, and a child of a beast is a beast. To me, uncle looks like a beast.”

“…How could you? He was your brother.”

“So?”

The count was dumbfounded at Harsen’s nonchalance.

“That’s why he’s dangerous¹,” said Harsen with a chilling smile.

“I will turn a blind eye this time, Uncle.”

The count’s gaze stayed on the man’s expressionless face but slowly lowered. A well-forged blade gleamed eerily in Harsen’s hand. Upon seeing it, the Count, who was holding Jerome’s body, slowly fell to his knees, “I was wrong.”

“…….”

“I… I brazenly got greedy for a moment. Forgive me.”

Harsen answered briefly, “Go back and wait for your dismissal.”

Unwittingly, the situation was resolved. Ercella looked at the dead body lying in front of the count. As she traced his spilled blood, her eyes stopped at the tip of the sword Harsen was holding. Red blood was trickling down the blade.

A person was killed. In front of her. It was so surreal that Ercella felt as if she were dreaming. She felt like everything was really a dream. Even Harsen. That’s probably why she didn’t faint even after losing consciousness ².

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* * *

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Footnotes

1. Jerome is a potential threat to Harsen because he’s his brother/cousin.
2. From what I understood, losing her consciousness here means being in a dreamlike state.

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