Chapter 41: 40

40.

The Duke’s funeral, which had been postponed indefinitely, was finally held. Ercella, wearing a black robe and covering her face with an opaque veil, watched the process in silence.

Harsen was holding the funeral, maintaining a straight face all the time. Ercella found it a little strange because he was too serene for a man who just lost his father.

Certainly, the Duke was a difficult man to like, but he is still his father, so how could he not show any sadness at all? As if all this was to be expected, Harsen gradually carried out his duties as the successor.

Succeeding the title at a young age must be taxing, but despite the difficulties, Harsen gained the loyalties of all his vassals and succeeded to the position.

Winter passed—the succession process was so rapid that Harsen became Duke at the age of nineteen and Ercella became Duchess at sixteen. No one objected to it.

She felt a chill as she entered the empty room. Regardless, she took a step forward.

Thump-

Strangely, even the sound of her footsteps felt hollow. Ercella slowly swept the half-open book on the table with her eyes. It was a book about Lenart’s language that she wanted to learn this time.

Suddenly, she wondered why she should learn it at all. The vassals who acknowledged her as the representative of the family treated her like an outsider. No matter how hard she tried to persuade or refute them, Harsen’s blood always ignored her opinions.

But as soon as Harsen came, they knelt on their knees. When Harsen took over the title, they readily recognized Ercella as the Duchess. An indescribable sense of despair overtook her.

What am I to them? Am I a person or a possession of Harsen?

In accordance with her family’s values, she gained knowledge to increase her worth, but Ercella unconsciously knew. Her value here was set by Harsen.

Without Harsen’s approval, no matter what she did, her efforts would be in vain. Then what happens if Harsen doesn’t seek her? If he brought a mistress or if she doesn’t have a son, would she lose her worth?

Ercella closed the half-open book. She couldn’t get over her stupid thoughts and decided to quit.

After all, she could do nothing here. Nothing at all.

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The year changed.

It took me the whole night to give birth.

Vicente.

That’s the name Harsen gave our child.

* * *

A few days later, the Marquis died and Caron succeeded him.

* * *

Naturally, the person who succeeded to the title shortly after the death of his predecessor would be busy with public affairs. Harsen, who became the owner of the vast duchy, was hunted down by his relatives who sought after the position, so he executed them all.

Among them were his father’s brothers, his blood relatives, and, as if Harsen had planned it beforehand, they were convicted with all sorts of offenses and hanged for their crimes.

Since everything was done legally, he avoided the stigma of killing his kin.

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That day, he slaughtered his own flesh. It was cruel but in retrospect, it was not something incomprehensible, so Ercella closed her eyes and covered her ears.

Despite his busy schedule, he sought the child and her and spent his spare time with them. Ercella decided to be content with that.

It was a spring day filled with warm sunlight after a cold winter had passed. The day had come when Harsen had to visit all over the fief and gain recognition from the vassals.

It was a very ceremonial custom, but it was necessary to hold as their lord. Ercella wanted to go with him, but Harsen dissuaded her, “Stay with the child.”

Vicente was still young and her body had not recovered, so it would be difficult for her to partake in a long journey.

There was nothing wrong with what Harsen said, so Ercella reluctantly agreed. He then departed to the fief and only Ercella remained in the large mansion.

“The young master is currently sleeping,” The nanny smiled. Ercella glanced at her and at the child in her own arms. Now only a few months old, the child was small and fragile.

He kept on crying until a while ago, but now he’s sleeping very calmly. As she watched, Ercella was subtly seized by a strange feeling. The hollow sound of her words reverberated through the gap between her lips.

“Why is he like this…”

…he doesn’t look like he’s my child.

When the nanny asked what’s wrong, she hurriedly swallowed her words. For a moment there, Ercella was surprised at herself for thinking such a thing. She inwardly rebuked herself once and forcibly pulled the child into her arms.

In the beginning, she was relieved that it was a son. She was happy to give Harsen a successor. She was really happy when she felt his little weight in her arms.

But why does the child in my arms feel so unfamiliar now? I’m his mother. I gave birth to this child after ten months of discomfort. So then, why?

Why…?

Why can’t I love him? My heart feels empty as if something’s amiss.

No matter what the child did, she felt nothing. Whether he cried, laughed, babbled, fell asleep, or stayed still. Happiness, joy, amazement— nothing permeated Ercella’s heart.

Ercella couldn’t recognize herself.

Was I such a heartless and emotionless person? Even animals love their babies, but how can I be like this as a human? I’m his mother. This is my baby. My own baby who inherited my clear blue eyes. But why can’t I love him?

A sense of guilt overtook her. Ercella was distressed, so she stroked the child’s head, hoping that everything would change once she felt his warmth. But her hand paused as she was caressing his black hair.

He looks like Harsen. The man that resembled the dark dawn sky. He would easily swallow any light in her. Engulfed, swallowed and erased— eventually she became his possession.

Does he think that too? Ercella still couldn’t read Harsen. When she thinks of him, she’s sad, numb, lonely, and vain, yet strangely she couldn’t let him go. The dazzling white flowers kept fluttering in her sight.

‘…Ercella.’

The voice calling her in her sleep was sweet. It’s unbelievable that it belonged to him. His face was often contorted from occasional nightmares. She didn’t know what to do, so she would simply hug him.

Then, Harsen would open his eyes and look at her quietly. She also would look at him. Their eyes entangled in the darkness and he would embrace Ercella softly.

Then who was that man? The man with steel for blood. For the sake of every flower, every sweet voice, every gentle gesture, Ercella didn’t want to believe that it was the same man.

But when she saw a son’s corpse savagely thrown before the father, Ercella for the first time realized just how ruthless and cruel that man was.

How many people fell by his sword? She questioned things she never did before. He was a knight, the heir to the family, a man who always had to be hard-nosed and dignified in front of his subordinates.

He was raised like that, so he must be used to it. Ercella could not blame Harsen. But, then will this child also grow up to be like that?

A frozen heart like his father’s, putting reason ahead, not showing a hint of human compassion. Just like his father… will he grow up to be the perfect successor?

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Ercella smiled bitterly. She also stopped holding the child.

* * *

While Harsen was out visiting the fief, she attended several banquets and tea parties. Her friends welcomed her and asked about her child. Her family and friends used to visit the mansion to see Vicente.

She took the child and visited the marquisate several times. Caron had just succeeded to the title, so he was busy and couldn’t see her often, but instead, her mother and Eirene welcomed her and spent a pleasant time with her.

Eshahilde blessed Ercella’s child with a letter as she couldn’t leave the palace in such uncertain times. She felt like she returned to her old self after a long time. But unlike before, she felt a strangely twisted crack within her. She was anxious because she couldn’t tell the cause.

Ercella looked at her arms. There was quite a bit of flesh left after giving birth to her child. She tried to control her diet to lose weight, but her figure was still far from what it used to be.

People told her that she’s slim, but she’s not satisfied with her appearance. The doctor advised her against starving and to eat more. He said that she might experience more side effects since she gave birth with a relatively thinner body. Harsen thought similarly. However, she was frustrated because she couldn’t tell if Harsen was being sincere. If he means it, why didn’t he hold me even once after giving birth? Am I not beautiful anymore? Feeling miserable, Ercella decided to bring a halt to her train of thoughts.

When Harsen returned from the fief. Ercella was afraid of facing him. While he was on the fief, I went out frequently. He must’ve heard from his vassals.

Fortunately, he didn’t bring up the topic. Ercella was anxious because she couldn’t tell whether he was pretending to not know.

It was a week before the party she had been waiting for; however, Harsen wanted her to stay with the baby. She was disappointed, but Ercella complied. It wasn’t a difficult demand. There was practically nothing she had to do. Since the nanny mostly looked after the child, Ercella only had to take care of the child for a few hours and act as a mother.

But Ercella felt suffocated by even that much. When she held the baby in her arms, her whole body felt as if bound by chains.

I’m his mother. So why? She asked herself over and over again, but an answer never came back and the questions disappeared into thin air. Day after day, her guilt got stronger.

Now, if I see my baby smiling, or crying, I don’t do anything, no, I hate even his existence… hah.

She cut off her thoughts.

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Harsen had finished his inspection of the fief, yet he was busier than before. Although it was temporary, she heard that he would be promoted due to his military services in the Linus expedition and succeeding the title of the duke. Even though she lived under the same roof, she rarely saw him.

“Has Harsen arrived by now?”

Lianne, who was still young but had been serving her under Ercella, answered with her head bowed, “Well… Today, the butler sent a message prohibiting the servants from leaving their rooms after sunset. So I don’t really know any news about Master.”

“Is that so?”

Clifton’s message was likely to have been ordered by Harsen beforehand. In that case, she had no choice but to go to his office herself. Ercella decided to get up and go there.

“His Excellency hasn’t arrived yet.”

At the guard’s words, Ercella could only turn back. As she walked through the empty, desolate corridor, she heard a commotion nearby.

“My Lord! Things went awry. The First Princess Consort has miscarried.”

Ercella paused at the corner of the corridor. Did I hear right? Sister had a miscarriage… Just two months ago I heard the news of her pregnancy.

“We’re in trouble.”

Ercella blinked her eyes slowly at the voice that followed. Harsen’s voice, calling it trouble, was a little strange. To him, it’s more like it was a pain in the ass…

“How about the woman from the Roberts, the Second Princess Consort?”

“She gave birth to a boy.”

“Put someone on Bethel Damonshire.”

“I have put a lady-in-waiting, Dalloy Vanessa.”

“We need more witnesses. Add a few more reliable people.”

“Yes, my Lord. And I’ve already prepared that as per your command.”

The sound of footsteps began to grow closer. She should leave but her feet were frozen. Their voices continued.

“How about the Damonshire’s spies?”

“All killed. Oh, I locked one up for interrogation. What should I do with him? He’s a nobody but a noble, nonetheless. Albeit, without a title.”

“Kill him. And is the Marquis’s messenger still here?”

“I think he’s reassessing the situation. He’s a very careful man…”

“Oh, now he is? How cumbersome. Tell him to hurry up.”

Their voices are getting closer. I have to go…

“Your Excellency. He’s right. Why the haste…”

As the two men turned the corner, their voices stopped.

“… You can go first,” Harsen ordered the vassal who was next to him. The vassal glanced at Ercella once, bowed his head, and walked past her to his own office.

Harsen gradually narrowed the distance. Ercella took a step back without realizing it. Perhaps because of that, Harsen’s eyes trembled slightly.

“…Did you hear that?”

“My sister… She had a miscarriage?”

Harsen nodded to the small trembling voice. He seemed a little embarrassed about this situation. But Ercella had no time to care about it. Eshahilde had a miscarriage. I feel like it was only a few days ago that she was happy to have a baby. What do you mean by miscarriage?

Ercella saw Harsen. He didn’t show a hint of sadness. Only then did she realize it. This man would hide it even if he were bleeding.

“Soon.”

“…….”

“It’ll be over soon.”

So wait a little bit.

After saying that, Harsen briefly kissed her forehead. What’s the end of it all? Once again, Ercella closed her eyes and ears. Ignorance was bliss.

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