Chapter 42: This marks the end of our long-winded flashback. The next will resume from the office scene in the present timeline.

41.

Another year passed.

King Bauress’s Royal Consort, Bethel Damonshire¹, was accused of having an affair with another man. It began when her lady-in-waiting, Dalloy Vanessa, confessed out of guilty conscience and revealed the relationship between Bethel Damonshire and Laden Schneit.

The handwriting on the letters found in Bethel Palace and Laden’s mansion matched their handwriting, respectively, and the dates Bethel left the palace coincided with the days Laden went out.

The suspicions grew stronger when it was revealed that Bethel met Laden briefly before becoming a royal consort. Bethel appealed for injustice, and because the King was deeply in love with her, he acquitted her.

However, rumors began to circulate that Princess Arlea might not be the king’s child, but that man, Laden’s. The timing of the rumors was cleverly matched and eventually, the king was furious.

He executed Bethel and Arlea on the spot along with Laden Schneit. Thus, the second prince, Royal Consort Bethel Bin’s son, lost his right to succession, and it was implicitly established that the First Prince was to be the next successor to the throne.

Soon, the king passed away. The Visaride’s Eshahilde became the queen. The Robert’s Second Princess Consort, who failed to become the First Princess Consort and, eventually, the queen after being pushed out by Eshahilde, committed suicide the following year. Marquess Robert, who could not overcome the grief of losing her daughter, also hung herself.

The Damonshires completely lost their influence in the capital while Marquis Robert retired and confined himself to his mansion.

For the first time, Ercella wondered. If I had chosen Casaro, would that have prevented so much bloodshed? But soon she brushed her thoughts off. Her sister was crowned queen just as she had wanted. Caron’s path ahead will be much more comfortable as she hoped. This man holding me is the best for me. She can’t regret it. As she buried herself in his arms, a chill spread from Harsen to her.

Ah, is it winter right now?

* * *

Something changed.

I’m sure I was happy.

I said I’d be happy…

Something is eating away at me, and I can’t figure out what it is.

What is it?

Where did it go wrong?

I’m sure until I gave birth…

…I think I was happy.

* * *

It was such a day. A day when everything suddenly bothered her. A day when she didn’t want to think about anything: parties, family, friends, or herself.

Yes, maybe because I saw the child’s eyes. At some point, she began to turn away from Vicente. Is that why? Every time the child looked at me, I was afraid and scared of rebuking or berating him.

It was just a matter of course. She deserved to be blamed. Yes, she deserves it. That’s right. A cold wind blew in her mind. It was really cold. Sinking in further, Ercella fell asleep. I’ll feel better after a good night’s sleep. Her eyelids began to close.

As she was about to be lost in tranquility, she heard the door slammed open. A merciless, ice-cold voice said, “What on earth is wrong with you?”

The man who entered the room shook Ercella’s body, lying dead. Harsen was looking down at her with an irascible look, “You can go back to parties, but is it so hard to have one meal with the child?”

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I was supposed to eat with the child at his suggestion, but I guess he knew I couldn’t. It’s hard. But it isn’t. It’s just one meal.

But strangely, she couldn’t look into the boy’s eyes. So she left the child and ran away. Why did I do that? Why was I so scared? I’m his mother.

“You’re a mother.”

I know.

“He’s your child.”

That’s right, he’s my child.

“Why don’t you love him?”

Mother, why don’t I love the child?

“Why?”

My mother loved me so much.

I must be a really bad child².

He doesn’t look like my child.

He doesn’t look like my child.

Harsen, Harsen, Harsen.

I… I’m so afraid of his eyes…

She looked at Harsen. Curiously, she could read his eyes for the first time ever. There’s resentment in them. He’s reached his limit, Ercella realized.

She thought about making excuses, but couldn’t think of a single excuse, so Ercella closed her mouth. She looked at Harsen with empty eyes. Somehow he looked a bit angry.

Ercella was amazed by that, too. He gets angry too. I thought he didn’t have such emotions because he’s always expressionless.

“Tell me what you want.”

“Nothing.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“I don’t want anything.”

Harsen grabbed her shoulder a little harder but it didn’t hurt.

“Should I kill him?”

“What are you-”

“Will you feel better if I kill him?” He uttered cruel words so casually in a suppressed voice.

“…….”

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Ercella was unable to answer. Why can’t I say no? She thought she was too heartless. The pain returned.

He murmured despondently, “…You’re not telling me not to kill him.”

“…….”

“Nevermind. Take your hands off. Don’t bother about the child’s matters anymore.”

It’s freezing cold. His eyes, voice, and attitude toward me. All of a sudden, she got furious. She barely caught him as he was getting up and wrapped her arms around his neck. When she almost fell out of bed from the sudden jerk, Harsen supported her back. He stood still without yanking her arms away. Even in this situation, he is being kind. Why? A sense of dejection flooded in, and she burst into laughter, “Why are you stuck with me?”

“Ercella.”

His tone was still angry. As she poured her emotions, Ercella uttered in a desperate, wretched voice, “Do you know that you did something wrong to me?”

“…….”

“Why did you propose to me? Why did you leave me and go to war? Why don’t you hold me—why! Why!”

Silence as usual. She burst into tears.

“I hate you.”

“…….”

“I hate you.”

She sobbed.

A pat on the back. Her trembling body. Only her crying could be heard in the quiet room.

I know the truth. It wasn’t his fault. He’s young, busy, and trying his best.

Sadness, resentment, hatred. These may not be the only feelings she had for him. Harsen probably was the same way. A little bit of worry crept in. What if he leaves me? I have to speak, speak again. No, I don’t. I don’t really hate him.

So she clasped his neck tighter and stuttered, “No… no, Harsen. Actually, I don’t hate you. I’m sorry… Oh, what’s wrong with me..?”

“…….”

“You know, right. You know how much I like you. Ah, yes… That’s right. Like. I like you. Yes, that must be it.”

It was a random blabber in fear of him leaving me, getting sick of me, and abandoning me. Perhaps he’s also aware of that. He asked in a slightly hoarse voice than usual, “This marriage… Do you regret it?”

She wondered what the question really meant. Her thoughts were lost and broken into fragments. She stopped crying and answered, “No.”

“…….”

“Even if it wasn’t you, I’d still be married; I’d still have a child, and still be crying like now.”

Yes, even if it wasn’t you.

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“You know, Harsen. You’re my best choice.”

She could no longer hear his voice. The pat on the back stopped. What kind of expression was he wearing at the time? Of course, she didn’t know.

* * * ???????????????????????????? ???????????? ???????????????????????????????????????? — ???????????????? ???????? ????????????????????????????????????.????????????

At the physician’s advice for her mental and physical stability, Harsen sent Ercella down to Villene in southern Bernhardt. He resigned from the Knights Order and went back and forth between the capital and Villene.

Ercella sat on the swing and peaked at the sunlight. It was so warm that she smiled softly. Ercella swung her feet in the air. Slowly, the swing began to rock back and forth.

Then she stopped, sensing someone approaching. The swing, which had been moving, also stopped at its place. Ercella smiled brighter than before and welcomed the man in front of her.

“Sierra and Janet visited today. Lenia, too.”

Harsen grinned at her voice as she chattered about her daily routine.

“And?”

“We had tea time together. The tea Lenia brought from Vinesh was very delicious.”

“And?”

“The girls were jealous because it’s warm in the south.”

“And?”

“We talked about the party I went to yesterday at Baron Mondro’s. It wasn’t as grand as in the capital, but it was colorful and fun.”

“And?”

“I told them about a new friend I made there. Baron Mondro’s wife was the same age as me so we got along well.”

“And?”

“I saw you.”

Harsen smiled faintly.

“That’s why it’s nice.” Ercella’s face was as bright as the sun.

They looked at each other, shared breaths, and overlapped as usual.

As if nothing had happened.

As if time had stopped, the flowers had stopped fluttering and no wind blew.

A moment in which imperfect happiness settled between them.

This marks the end of our long-winded flashback. The will resume from the office scene in the present timeline.

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Footnotes

1. Whoops, so Bethel Bin was a consort, not the 2nd prince. I fixed that in the s.
2. A bad child towards her mother, so this is her karma.

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