Chapter 177: 177 Open "Lid" ~ Diana side ~

...... The truth is, I knew. I've been aware of it for a long time.

It's not okay to be Kai. Kai is good. I'm happy with Kai.

I don't know what that feeling of wanting the warmth of just one person, just that one person, is.

"I don't think I want to get to know you personally, because I don't think I want to get to know someone who worries you so much just to see and talk to you!　If I wasn't the Red Rose, I would have refused to see you a long time ago!

If I wasn't the Red Rose, why was it that I was so deeply shaken by the words that I said to myself?

I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure what to make of it. You can't help but marvel at its clear beauty despite its horror.

I don't know why I was so afraid to confront Exiga's heart.

And...

"I'll stay by Dee's side as long as she wants me to.

"After more than a year of being so close to the heart of the country, staring at a girl who was running around for the good of the country and its people without a care for herself, and wondering what I could do to make her smile...

The only reason I care about Dee and think about her all the time is because I want to, and I'm doing it on my own.

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......The truth is, I knew it. The truth is, I knew I could explain it in just a few words.

--Once you fall in love. Once you fall in love with someone, you just want them so badly you can't stand it. There is no room for conscientious consideration of the other person's heart, and your body and mind are drowned in their presence, and the same time, smiles, and tears ...... do not enter your eyes, you just want that person.

The words of Exiga that I just heard go round and round and round in my head.

I don't want other people's warmth. --I only want one.

If it wasn't for the Red Rose, I'm sure I would have been unable to control my selfish emotions earlier and would have reached out with my feelings.

If you face straightforward and serious emotions - even if you don't want to, you will know the form of that "emotion" and you will be forced to realize that you have the same thing inside you.

--As long as that compassionate person stays by your side out of kindness and generosity, you will be able to share the same ...... time with them. We can stay together.

That's right. ...... I knew it, all of it.

--Let's go sometime. If you can't imagine it, go see it in person. If you can't imagine it, you might as well see it in person.

That day, under the stars, we made a promise. Before you know it, it's not just about wanting to go see Shouji, to see a world you don't know.

--Let's go, together.

It's because of that person and ...... Kai's vow to be together that it has become so special.

As long as we have that promise. Until I fulfill that promise...

Kai will stay by my side. ...... will stay with me.

This is...

I didn't want to find out.

I shouldn't have known.

That's why I closed the lid. --I closed the lid on this thought.

I put Kai on ......!

I knew that if I found out ...... what these feelings were, I would never be able to let Kai go. I knew that, so I ran away.

Kai has a life of his own. Before he met Deanna, he was a free spirit. ...... No, he's still free. He only stays by Deanna's side of his own free will.

He is a man who is not bound by anything. ...... One day, when he finds something more attractive than being by Deanna's side, Kai will have the freedom to leave her.

He had to keep his pining in check so that he wouldn't cry and cling to her at that time, so that he wouldn't back down from his kindness.

And yet--!

(I can't conscientiously consider the other person's heart...) I just want it so much. You can't control it. If you say it like that, ...... you can't escape it no matter how hard you try.

Is this what love is?

I'm not sure if this is love or if it's just selfish, arrogant, and violent love.

The desire for one person is pure and unadulterated, but .......

(Pure desire is no better than poisonous poison. ......)

I wish I was a rational person like my father. I wish I had been a rational person like my father. ...... Then I could have had a tender love that respected the feelings of the other person above all else.

I wish I was as strong-willed as my brother. ...... Then I would have been able to have a peaceful love, where I could control my arrogance and live for the happiness of my loved ones.

I'm sure you'll be able to figure out what you want from me. --Once she realizes it, she can't help but want it.

No, but...

The one who found a desire that she didn't even realize she had and put it in her hands.

The one who always gives Deanna the words she wants the most, without fail.

--I can't tell you how much Kai's presence and the things he has given me have helped me. I can't even begin to tell you how much you've helped me.

I'm not sure if I'm in love with her or not, but I owe her a lot. He's ...... important.

I'm not sure if you've ever heard of this, but I'm sure you have.

You can't stand in the way of his happiness. He is a free man and must not be tied down. ......

And yet...!

It's only been five days since I've seen you, and here we are. I'm so lonely, I can't stand it.

But if the lid had stayed closed, I could still have endured. I could keep running away from the true nature of my feelings.

--If it stayed closed.

(If this kind of feeling is love... I can't--!

I'm sure you'll be able to understand why I'm so excited about this.

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

--I don't remember the details of how I rode or when I got off my horse.

Rita!

"Master Diana!

I'm not sure if you've ever heard of this, but I'm sure you have.

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I'm sure you'll be happy to hear that.

"Rita ......

I'm sure you're not the only one.

You ...... Rita ......!

This is the first time I've ever been to the beach.

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"Calm down. It's okay. --Diana

"Rita, ......, honey.

No matter what happens to you, I'm here. I'm definitely on your side, no matter what.

Master ......

If you can't forgive me for you, I'll forgive you. ...... Even if you are so desperate that you can't stand up, I will be there for you. So it's okay.

...... Rita's words, as if she had read Deanna's mind, easily overflowed what she had been trying to hold back. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing.

I knew. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.

"Deanna ......

I'm so selfish. I knew if I found out, I wouldn't be able to hold back.

...... What would you lose your patience with?

"...... what I want.

I said the words and finally couldn't stand. My knees shattered and I sat down, and Rita supported me with just the right amount of pressure and lowered me to the floor without pain.

Still clinging to Rita, Deanna looked into her face.

I'm sure you'll be happy to hear that.　I'm sure you'll be happy to hear that.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure what to say. I'm sure you'll be happy to know that I'm not the only one.

Rita's eyes widened in astonishment.

I'm not sure if you've heard of it or not.

"Yes, yes ....... I thought you'd like it.

"Oh, yeah. It's .......

When you love ...... someone, you want to spend time with them. When you love someone, you want to spend time with them, and when you see them, you're happy, and when you don't see them, you're always lonely.

Tears welled up in my eyes as she affirmed me. Shaking her head, Deanna appealed to Rita.

No, no. No, no, no.

Why not?

"Because... You'll tie him up forever.

You don't want me to tie him up?

Of course not. It's selfish to own someone, to take away their freedom and tie them up. It's arrogance.

...... Is that right?

...... I knew this feeling would make her unhappy, and I didn't want to find out.

But you did, didn't you?

"Your Highness said ....... His Highness told me that love is when you don't have the time to think about the other person's heart, but you just want that person, drowning your body and soul in their presence.

I couldn't put it into words. She clung to Rita with her gushing emotions and told her in a tearful voice.

"I've wanted this for a long time. I don't remember when. I don't even remember when.

"Diana ......

When I realized that Kai's warmth was the only thing that made me feel special, the warmth of his touch made me happy, and I wanted ...... more, I knew I couldn't. I thought, "If I know any more, I'll never be able to leave you.

Is it wrong that I can't leave you?

No.

"...... Why?

"Because ...... is a very kind person.

"......

If Kai knew how I felt, that kind, compassionate person would not be able to abandon me. ...... In the future, even if you can do something you want to do instead of staying by my side, you might not be able to go down the path you want because you're worried about me.

Oh. ......

In such a case, my role is to know what he wants and push him back. ...... If I can't get away from him, I'll end up taking advantage of his kindness, clinging to him, and taking away his freedom. The more you say, the better.

...... The more I put it into words, the scarier it gets. It's just an imagination, but it's a surprisingly real future.

It's because I'm more aware of my selfishness than anyone else. I can see a future where this vicious "love" will bind him, and I despair.

...... I didn't want to know.

"...... Diana

I want you to live your life the way you want to live it and have the happiness and future that you want to have. You're the one I care about, the one I love.

Yeah, ...... that's true.

And yet, ...... the day may come when Kai chooses to leave me for his own happiness, I can't bear the thought of it. I'm going to miss him so much.

"............

If it's love that makes you want so viciously that you can't wish the happiness of the person you love the best, then ...... I didn't want to know. I wanted to live my whole life without knowing...!

I'm sure you'll be able to understand that I'm not the only one who has a problem with this.

One day, I want to hand over the role of the Red Rose to Shayla and fulfill the promise I made to Kai by becoming nothing more than "Diana". I've always wanted to be "Deanna" and fulfill the promise I made to Kai, but now that it's "the end" for him, I feel inexplicably lonely.

I longed for a tender love, like my parents'. I wanted a gentle love, like my brother and Chris.

But - in order for love to be kind and gentle, you have to be more human. Deanna was lacking in every way.

I'm sure you'll be able to find something that works for you.

It is true that ...... love has a selfish and violent side, as you say, Diana. I'm sure you'll agree that it's a great idea.

Yes, of course. ......

But...

I'm not sure what to say. I'm not sure what to say, but I'm going to say it.

I'm not sure what to make of this, but it's my theory. --"This is just my theory, but if our selfishness is a miracle match. I'm sure there's nothing wrong with that idea.

Rita, ......?

I'm sure you'll be able to figure out what you need to do to make your life easier. You have to ask the other person to find out if your feelings are really selfish or not.

While talking to Deanna, Rita's gaze goes further than Deanna to the balcony.

With a brain that is still not working, Deanna follows Rita's gaze, looks back, and--!

."!

The moment she sees Kai cowering in a stupor, all of her thoughts fly out of her head.

With a blank mind, Deanna just stood there rigidly.

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