Chapter 38: -06- What Goes Unsaid

~~**  Watanabe Chigusa’s Point of View **~~

I walked with Shota to the nearby park, and we both sat down on some swings.  There was a girl with long black hair and a huge chest who looked to be my age playing with a cute girl about four or five years old and another girl with silvery-blue hair.

They were riding on a see-saw, the little girl sitting in the lap of the girl with the ostentatious hair and continuously saying ‘watch me mama!’ as she went up each time.  I wondered for a moment if that could be Shota and I with our daughter.

“Did you talk with her about what you needed to?”

“I did.”

“Did it help?”

“Not really.  She didn’t tell me anything I wasn’t already aware of.  I just needed to hear her say it.”

“You don’t look all that happy.”

Shota just swung a little in silence.  I joined him, and our gazes swept past each other as we rocked back and forth on the swings.  I had no idea what was going through his mind, and I wasn’t sure what to ask, but then, I didn’t need to…

“It’s going to be incredibly difficult for you to have this baby, Chigusa.”

“I know.  Believe me… I know.”

“All kinds of doctors appointments… whispers at school behind your back… it could affect your friendship with your friends… and then there’s the obvious… problem with our relationship.”

Shota had been considering a lot of things on my behalf.  Things I myself didn’t want to think too deeply on… things I didn’t allow myself to, for obvious reasons.  I had told him that I wished to remain popular, so, when news of my pregnancy became impossible to deny… I’ll go from popular to infamous.

Notorious… Scandalous even!

“Are you telling me to… get rid of it?”

Shota immediately stopped swinging.  His face was tight and I felt a chill in my spine when he faced me.

“That… would be the thing to do… in this situation… wouldn’t it?”

At that moment, my heart broke.

“Chigusa?   Chigusa!?”

--~~**~~--

Faintly hearing Shota calling my name in a panic, I found I wasn’t on the swings anymore, but lying down on a hard bench and looking up at the leaves of a tall tree which were slowly thinning.

I felt my body being scooped up and into a gentle hug.  It was a hug that was gentle and warm, warmer than the air around me.  For some reason the waterworks were on, my eyes issuing forth a deluge of tears.

“There, there… You suddenly collapsed.  Your name is Chigusa, right?”

“Yes.  What do you mean… collapsed?”

I had no recollection of doing anything of the sort.  I’m a healthy girl… was it a sudden bout of anemia or something?

“Maybe I need to eat something.” I lied.

I really just wanted a moment alone, but the woman who gently held me reached into a pocket and pulled out a brown ball of what looked like candy.

“Have one… the sugar will do you good.  How far along are you?”

“Huh?”

“The young man said you were pregnant.  I told him I’d watch over you while he went to get something I suggested might make you feel better.”

“Oh…”  Shota felt comfortable enough to tell this woman?  No… this girl my own age about my pregnancy?  “I’m… um… Twenty weeks along.  I only recently found out a few days ago.”

“Is that so?  Congratulations.  He seems like a good man.”

I sighed.

“He is… I only wish… he was mine.”

She unwrapped a candy, this time for herself.

“Would you like to talk about it?  I don’t want to push any unneeded advice onto you, just lending an ear until he gets back.  You may not believe this, but I’ve… already been through it.”

She pointed over to the swings where the young child was being pushed by the other woman.

I sighed and she let me carefully back down onto the bench.

“It’s a complicated story, but… we used to be lovers.  Due to my own idiocy, I dumped him without realizing how great a person he is.  In the short time he slipped away from me, another woman scooped him up and they got married.”

She nodded, her hand gently taking my own and rubbing the back of my hand with her own, keeping it warm.

“The thing is, before we broke up… we did it and I got pregnant unknowingly.   The person who scooped him up… he got married to her so suddenly, and that person… is none other than my own mother.”

I couldn’t believe I was just telling a stranger everything.  But for some reason it felt alright to tell her.  It was like she exuded an aura that said completely that she understood.

“So… I’m only a couple days away from deciding if… I should terminate my pregnancy, or not.  I don’t want to, not by any means… but he mentioned to me how difficult it would be to raise it in our situation…”

She had a gentle smile and somehow my worries felt less.

“Do you think he was telling you to do so?”

“It’s… how it felt, yes.”

She put her finger to her lips and barely giggled.

“I think you might be quite mistaken.”

“Huh?”

“Perhaps you should ask him again without fretting too much about it.  I don’t think that’s what he wants at all.  The way he was fussing over you… especially that one.”

She pointed to my stomach.

“It’s just a woman’s intuition though.”

A woman’s intuition?  I’m still a girl and don’t have it yet… not like mom does, and not like this young woman seems to have as well.  She’s quite a beautiful woman actually.

“I’m sorry to trouble you like this.”  I said apologetically.

“Huhuhu~  It’s no trouble at all.”

Loud clopping sounds echoed and my name was being called from afar.   A few moments later my Shota arrived holding a plastic bag.

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“I… brought… these…”  He was panting heavily.  Shota wasn’t fantastically fit, so he really must have pushed himself to run to the nearby store, for me . “It was all… the convenience store… nearby… had…” 

The long black haired girl took the bottle of Pocari and the packet of what looked like a supplement and poured it into the water, tightening the lid and shaking it up.  Then she ordered Shota to help sit me up.

Shota was so delicate with me, holding me like I was a pane of fragile glass.  But he did exactly as he was told, and she handed the bottle to me, after taking the lid off.  The water had changed to a rusted orange color, but I drank it anyway.

She patted me on the leg, and slapped Shota on the shoulder.

“It’s a delicate time for her.  Don’t say things in an easy to misunderstand way!  It’s not good for her, or the baby.”

Shota bowed deeply to her, and she looked so strong to me.  She was quickly joined by her young daughter and the woman with Silvery-blue hair.  I did not fail to notice Shota and her swapping gazes.

She only smiled at him and patted her own stomach.

“Seems like congratulations are in order… for both of us, it seems.”

Shota only nodded, and then the trio of them then departed, with the littlest one calling me an onee-chan and telling me to get better.

“Shota… do you know them?”

Shota shrugged.

“I know the one looking after you is the daughter of the candy shop nearby.  The other one… I met with your mother when we went on our honeymoon.”

“What a small world…” I said, quite surprised.

“I know, right?”

Shota sat next to me on the bench, putting my head in his lap for a change.

“I’m… sorry, Chigusa.  She was right, I shouldn’t have tiptoed around such an important thing…”

I reached for his hand which he easily gave over to me and locked our fingers together.  He brushed the loose strands of hair from my face and traced his finger around my ear.

“Shota… will you be direct with me?  Tell me honestly, do you want me to have… an abortion?”

“NO.”

Shota’s voice was firm and shook me to the core.

“No… please… don’t do… that.”

Shota looked strong and ultimately weak at the same time.  I couldn’t understand what emotions were running through him, though he squeezed me tightly.  I felt like he wanted to protect me, but I didn’t only want to be protected.  I wanted to be loved by him.

“I… I know it will be a huge burden in your life to have her.  I also know I’ve done something irreparable to you… I can’t… be your husband… and I’d want to be the child’s father, certainly… but I’m also scared.”

“Scared?  Why?  It’s not like you have to carry this one to term.  I’m the scared one here!”

“Not that.  It’s not about having her that scares me… it’s what comes after.”

“Raising it?”

Shota shook his head again.

“I… can’t make you my wife, and I can’t betray Mayuri-san.  I can’t make you happy and you deserve to be happy.  There may come a time after you have it… have her… that you realize there can’t be an us… the way she deserves to have a proper family, so you’ll find someone else… and that person will become… her father.”

Oh my god.  Shota is worrying about that!?  It’s… jealousy, right!?  Shota’s worried I would leave him?  What a freaking moron he is!

I began to laugh.

I laughed and laughed and laughed.

I wasn’t wrong.

I wasn’t wrong in the slightest.

Shota loves me.

He’s never stopped loving me!

But how can I… use this to my advantage now that I know for sure?  Mom won’t give me leeway anymore, so I’m on my own when it comes to trying to seduce him again.

“Are you okay, Chigusa?”

I reached up and caressed his face with my hand.

“Shota, the only father this child will ever have, is you.”

He stared down at me, perplexed.

“Do you love me, Shota?”

Shota closed his eyes.

“Chigusa, I…”

But I didn’t need to hear him say it.  I didn’t need to look him in the eyes.  Because I already knew.

“You don’t have to say it.  I’ll say it for you.  You love me, Shota.  You love me every bit as much as my mother, and you love me as the mother of your future child as well.”

Shota took a deep breath and didn’t exhale.

“Maybe you’re right.  Maybe I can’t… go on forever without receiving the love I need as a woman.  The love you only feel comfortable giving my mother.  Maybe I may need to seek it out somewhere else from time to time… and I hope you can overlook it when it happens.  But the only person this child will ever call papa… is you.”

And that was the moment I knew I had captured Shota’s heart once more.

I wasn’t the least bit sorry for what I had done to him, or my mother.

“Shall we go home?” I prompted him.

With a little bit of help, I rose from Shota’s lap, and though I was feeling perfectly fine, I let him coddle me all the way back to our home.  Shota didn’t speak a word to me, but he didn’t shy away either.  In fact, I was held even closer to him after this.

When we got home, we found two half-drunk women shouting at each other.  The smell of nabe permeated the house.

Shota was a good man, pushed into an unfortunate situation with two very needy women.  It’s unfortunate, but he’ll have to get stronger to deal with what the future holds.  After all, I don’t intend to have only one child.  

And I’m certainly not having children with different fathers.

I wonder if mom is interested in getting pregnant with me, when it’s time for the next one?

I’d like to have one girl and one boy.  After all, a young boy should always have an older sister to look after him.

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