Chapter 198: 198

Amethyst, even amidst her sobbing, continued. “That dream felt real so I couldn’t ignore those children. But even then, I loved him… even though I knew I shouldn’t, but I kept getting greedy…”

She had tried to ignore it but the more she did, the harder it became. She felt guiltier as she conveniently tried to ignore everything. She had thought that the feeling might disappear if she kept ignoring it, but it wouldn’t go away. It always lingered in her mind and came back stronger. She knew it. She realized what she feared, and, in the end, she faced the truth that she had hidden for so long.

“It isn’t just a dream. It is a reality. Every night I prayed for it to be a dream, and him to be my only reality. It was my most ardent wish. I wish it so that I could face him with confidence. I prayed that I could somehow ignore everything. But… it doesn’t work that way. My children are my reality, and he is the sweetest dream. But this world keeps sending me signs and warnings that I have to wake up. What should I do? I can’t get too close to Alec, but I can’t live far away from him. I want to be with him, desperately but he is someone I can’t have.”

Amethyst kept rambling and crying. Belice looked at her with sympathy. She was so sad watching her fall apart in so much pain. She looked at her.

“Amethyst, the only thing I can say to you is this: a person has one soul. At birth, to make at one soul, you put so many pieces of yourself. That one soul was made by being intertwined with him and many other fates. Those small pieces are also called human’s ego. Amethyst, can’t you believe that this right here is the reality and that the guilt is simply dream?”

Amethyst had no idea what Belice was saying but it somehow made her feel like she knew everything about her, at that moment. There was no way she would know… Amethyst shook her head. She wouldn’t know.

“There is no way,” said Amethyst, “If that was a dream, how could it have felt so real?”

“What feels so real about it?” asked Belice, “Do you remember the appearance of your children hat you feel so guilty about? If you met them now, would you recognize them?”

“O-of course,” she said, haltingly, “Of course I can! I am their mother….” Amethyst was in tears as she tried digging through her memory. What did my children look like? Thick, double eyelids… wait… did they have double eyelids? What color were their eyes? Black? Dimples? No, they don’t have dimples! Boy or girl? She couldn’t remember. She couldn’t remember them. But how is that possible?

No matter how hard she tried, Amethyst couldn’t remember the faces of her children. Even when she thought about them, they were vague and blurred. It was like an abstract image she tried hard to put into perspective. She distantly remembered feeling happy when her children were laughing. Why? Why can’t I remember them at all?

Everything was confusing now. Amethyst slowly raised her lowered head and looked at Belice. “Belice?” she called.

Belice smiled at her sadly which confused Amethyst even more. But there was no more conversation. Amethyst couldn’t move from the spot for a long while even after the emperor left the room. She sat there and didn’t move.  Amethyst didn’t understand Belice completely, but she realized something. She had to leave him. She could no longer lie to him. She could no longer face him. She couldn’t just ignore her children like this, just to be with him.

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She didn’t have the acceptance of helping him find someone else while hiding her own feelings. But she couldn’t seem him hurt. She couldn’t see him in any more danger because of her. She couldn’t take it anymore. So, the best thing she could do would be to leave him, for all their sakes.

***

After Belice’s visit, Alexcent opened his eyes the next morning. Amethyst was asleep with her head on the side of the bed. It seemed that she had stayed up all night taking care of him. Looking at her asleep, he felt touched. He stretched his hands and stroked her hair and kissed it. He was careful not to wake her. Amethyst, however, opened her eyes.

“Hi, Ash,” said Alexcent gently. Amethyst was obviously happy and relieved that he felt better but she couldn’t respond. The morning sun fell on him and his eyes shone. He looked at her with the same tenderness with which she looked at him. She hoped that was enough.

“I love you,” he said. Her heart was full. She was happy with his confession, but she instinctively knew she couldn’t accept it.

You shouldn’t love me. I am full of lies. You should meet your destined lover and love her instead. You will be safe and happy. Amethyst thought that this was all a mistake. Yes, he is just mistaken.

She didn’t have the heart to tell him that he should wait for his destined lover. That she ignored her own children and tried to keep him for herself. She hoped he could know everything from just looking at her. Now, she was trying to run away because he loved her, and she loved him back.

I am a bad mother, a bad woman and a very selfish human being. Amethyst was elated by his confession, but she pushed down and buried her own feelings. “Do you even know how long you have been sick?” she said, “I was so worried! Gen is working overtime! I am going to call Gen. You stay right here and don’t you dare move.”

Amethyst left the room in a hurry. She is evading me. He looked at her flustered and bewildered person leaving the room with a smile.

“Well, even if she doesn’t love me, it doesn’t feel too bad.”

There was plenty of time. He just needs to do better so she can love him back. He shouldn’t hurry and force it on her. He had no intention of letting her go. She would eventually come to love him. Alexcent got up from bed, feeling lighter and better.

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